My (Success) Story - Wife Had Affair

[PromiseKeeper]

This is my story. It may be a little messy and unorganized, but I wanted to share it. I’m still going through it, but things seem to be going well and I have learned a lot through the experience so far.

 

I am 25 years old, my wife and I got married almost 4 years ago and had been friends for about 2 years before getting married. About 3 months into our marriage we got pregnant, which wasn’t part of the plan. We are both Christians, which I think has been an important factor in our recovery.

 

D-Day was October 29th. I found out because a brother-in-law had heard through the grapevine that my wife was seen alone with a guy at an ice skating rink. When he told me this, I asked my wife about it later that night, expecting that there was some sort of misunderstanding or some explanation. What followed was like getting punched in the stomach.

 

She explained that the ice skating was suppose to be a group thing but when she got there it was just the guy, etc. The troubling part was that I could tell she wasn’t telling me everything. I began asking her more questions like “Should I be concerned about other guys?” when her response was silence and no eye-contact I felt myself beginning to get sick. After a few moments, I popped the big question “Are you sleeping with someone else?”, I felt stupid for even asking. Again, silence… I began grieving in an intense way that was more like shrieking the crying. After several minutes I began asking her more questions, I really wanted to know how long / how many times / with whom. At first she wouldn’t answer any of my questions, she sat there in almost complete, cold silence. Then she began telling me that she didn’t love me, in fact, she never did, and further that I never loved her; perhaps the worst part, she told me she loved the OM. I honestly can’t remember all the details of that night, but that was the general tone. I said several expletives, but never called her any names. I told her I needed space and left.

 

As soon as I went outside I began to worry she would hurt herself and didn’t feel good about leaving her like that. I decided to go back inside and tell her how I felt. When I went back inside, I told her that I was really hurt, but that I still loved her and wanted to make it work. I tried to give her a hug which sent her into a crying fit. She pushed me away telling me “Stop loving me!”. We sat mostly silent for a few moments and I told her again that I wanted to work it out, but I needed some space for the night. With that, I left.

 

I stayed with my parents that night and hardly slept at all. My parents also watched my son for the next two weeks while we started working on things. The next morning I went back home early to find that my wife wasn’t home. I wasn’t entirely surprised, she needed to be comforted, so she stayed with the only person that would comfort her, the OM. I called her, she didn’t answer, but called me back very quickly. I told her I wanted to talk and asked if she would come home, which she did. As I sat there waiting for her, I did a few household projects I had been meaning to do, I couldn’t take the stillness of doing nothing. I thought about what I would say when she got back, I had it planned.

 

I heard her car pull into the driveway and went outside to greet her. When I saw her, an overwhelming compassion for her came over me. Everything I had planned on saying, everything I had been feeling melted away and all I could do was embrace her. I felt like the father in the parable of the prodigal son (with some obvious differences). We went out for coffee and started discussing what had happened. Her attitude was a lot different than it had been the previous night, she was a lot more open about everything.

 

Now, its been a little over 5 weeks since I found out at the time of writing this. I don’t remember every detail of what happened and it seems like it been a lot longer. Every day has felt like a week. I will try to condense everything into the most important parts.

 

The first week was the hardest on me. I literally lost nearly 10 pounds and over an inch in my waistline in that first week. I spent every possible moment with her when I wasn’t at work and spent every waking moment thinking about everything and planning how I should feel and what I should do. We started by discussing what had happened and how she felt. She basically felt like she never loved me, married me out of infatuation, and was unhappy because of our marriage. She felt like I didn’t care about her and she felt like she wasn’t attracted to me. She wanted adventure and to do something great with her life. Notice I say felt, because these feelings would soon start changing and she would realize that her feelings were clouded.

 

The affair itself lasted for a couple months. She had dated the OM briefly before dating me and they had remained in occasional contact throughout our marriage. They were only “together” twice, but had been spending lots of time together in their mutually shared activities. From what I understand, they went on a couple of dates during that time span. My wife didn’t really work a job though she did have several sources of side work. Most week nights she would either be taking/teaching dance classes, gymnastics, or doing an activity like rock climbing. I work full-time, take some side jobs, and go to school full-time (I was taking 18hrs). This was obviously not an ideal scenario. The OM would see her regularly at some of these activities, which I did not know at the time, and eventually during the day while I was at work.

 

In the first two weeks of our recovery, we started seeing a marriage counselor and she voluntarily saw an individual counselor. We didn’t tell any of her family and only one couple of our close friends. Also, her sister was getting married the week after I found out, so we were trying to keep it quiet for her family’s sake. We spent lots of time together over this time and she made vague commitments to “try” to make our marriage work and not to contact the OM. She did contact the OM and even saw him in person once or twice and somewhat tried to hide this from me. Things came to a head one day at lunch when she told me she needed separation. This really upset me because we had agreed to stay together and work it out. I told her if she needed space I would give it to her, but we were going to talk to her parents first. Which we did, right then. Talking to her parents helped. She decided that she was going to stay in the marriage, though she didn’t really want to, or want me.

 

The next day, when she got home from work, the OM was waiting at my house for her. I found out because I saw she was sitting at a park close to my house (through GPS tracking) for a long time. I called her and she didn’t answer. When she called back, I played it cool, and she didn’t say anything. I asked her directly “So you were at the park by yourself?” She broke down, started crying saying she didn’t know what to do, etc. I told her I was very angry and when I got home I was the most angry with her that I was in the whole process. I told her I couldn’t believe she lied to me again, a day after making the decision to stay with me. I felt stupid for trusting her and felt like I should kick her out. But, I put the ball in her court, I told her to make a decision, “Me forever, or not”. She cried and told me she wanted another chance. I decided to give her another chance, though I knew it was illogical and foolish (but that’s love, right?). She asked me if I wanted her to call the OM and breakup with him right then, and I told her to do so if she felt it. She called and prefaced the conversation by saying “My name is here…” which of course made the rest of what she said useless. I may have also lost my temper and grabbed the phone and threatened the OM on the condition of him coming to my house again.

 

The next day she called me while I was at work to ask if she could call the OM and explain what was going on. I obliged, because in reality I didn’t have a choice. It is much better to come off confident than to try to control, especially because controlling doesn’t actually work. I don’t know exactly what was said, but it was a long conversation, 80 minutes. According to my wife, she basically told the OM how she felt (which I’m sure included that she still loved him) and that she had made a decision to work on our marriage. Later than day, I got a text message from the OM telling me we needed to meet. I obliged, because, again, I didn’t really have a choice. This guy knows where I live, so if he wanted to hurt me, he could do so. He also told me that he wanted my wife to be there. I let her decide if she wanted to come or not; she decided to come.

 

We met outside a Starbucks. I got there first, picked a table outside, and arranged the seating so that my wife would have to sit next to me and the OM would have to sit on the other side of the table. I also had my friend come and watch the conversation from his car (because I wasn’t sure exactly what was going to happen). I went straight from work, so my wife had to meet us there. The OM showed up, and a little later my wife showed up. The OM told me he “didn’t want to fight me” and that “trying anything would be stupid”. He waited to really get into the discussion until my wife showed up. Once she did, he started with a good 5+ min prepared, written speech on our marriage and relationship. When he was done, I said “You’ve just read us a very carefully crafted lie. Like any good lie, there is some truth in what you said, but it is still a lie.” We then preceded to talk about some of the things he had brought up. My attitude throughout the discussion was mostly to force my wife to make the decisions. I told her several times that I wasn’t holding her to our marriage and that she could leave if she wanted. I could talk a lot about this meeting because it was really upsetting, but the important part is that my wife left with me.

 

After that, things settled down a bit. If I remember correctly, for the next week she didn’t see or talk to the OM. They were still friends on Facebook and Instagram, but from what I could tell from spying and directly asking, she didn’t directly contact him at all. She even ignored several text messages from him. At the end of that week we had a trip to Miami planned for a small gig she had. We made it into a small vacation and genuinely had a good time together. At one point during our drive to Miami, she mentioned separation again. She said she felt like she needed separation to figure out what she wanted, find herself, etc. I told her I didn’t want her to feel that way anymore and didn’t want to have to talk about it again. I told her if she was determined to work on our marriage then that wasn’t appropriate. Separation allows individuals to work on themselves individually and we needed to work on ourselves in the context of being together. I told her as we went through this process that everything in our lives was flexible, everything could change except for our belief in God, our commitment to our child, and our commitment to each other. This seemed to go over decently, and she verbally agreed with me.

 

We got back late Saturday night from the trip and everything was going well. However, the next morning things hit another low. When we woke up, we were just laying in bed together and started talking about everything. She ended up telling me again that she felt like she needed separation. At this point, I had no choice, I simply told her “Okay”. This seemed to shock her. Over the next couple of hours we talked a little more about it and I basically told her that I believed the old adage “If you love something set it free…” I felt like it was time for me to let her go because I loved her. This was said amidst tears and long pauses, but that was the general message. I also told her that part of me letting go was moving on with my life, that when I let go of her I was also letting go of my commitment to her, letting go of that “marital” love that was keeping me going in this fight for her. We decided to go to church together that morning and postpone a final decision until we talked about it just a little more. Once at church, we both broke down, crying separately in different parts of the church. We didn’t talk to each other, didn’t sit next to each other, no contact. Incidentally, the message that morning was about the bond of a marriage covenant and its importance to God.

 

She had a photoshoot that afternoon and told me we would talk after she got back. So, I went to my brother-in-laws house and waited. Around 6pm her sister showed up at the house too, her sister was the photographer, so obviously the photoshoot was over (this sister also knew about the affair because my wife had told her). Her sister told me that my wife had gone to Starbucks to talk to her mom and that my wife was going to call one of us to come pick her up after she was done talking. Two hours past and no call from my wife. Her sister called, no answer. I texted and called, no answer. At this point I began to get both suspicious and worried. Her sister called Starbucks to see if she was still there and she wasn’t. So, being that she was in downtown and had no transportation, she either decided to walk home, or met the OM. I, being stupid, thought she tried to walk home and started driving through downtown to find her. I couldn’t find her so I went home to make sure she wasn’t there. Of course she wasn’t. I checked her phone records and discovered several calls to the OM from that night. At this point, I was furious, I let her parents know what had happened and that I fully planned on kicking her out, if she came home (which they agreed with). Hours passed as I waited for her to get home, both worried about her (as I wasn’t 100% sure she was with him) and furious (because I was pretty sure she was). It was actually kind of hilarious, sitting there, waiting to see her so I could kick her out.

 

She came home at around 11:30pm and seemed somber and sincere. She told me she was sorry for not coming home and told me she was sorry for everything. She told me she knew she didn’t deserve my love or another chance, but that was what she wanted. She told me she had taken that evening to just sort herself out (a little). She didn’t want to come home until she felt good about her decision to stay with me and felt like it was what she wanted. She told me she loved me and was going to do whatever it took to make our marriage work and earn my love. So, despite my anger, lack of trust, and obvious illogical nature of the evening, I accepted her back. There were some obvious flaws in her story, I know she spent a good bit of that night with the OM, but her attitude seemed genuinely different. I think that when I “let her go” she realized what she was losing, and didn’t want that. She had the opportunity to leave with the OM that night, and I’m sure he tried to convince her, but she chose to stay because that’s what she really wanted.

 

After that night, things were notably better. She still had moments of sadness, and things were/are still uncomfortable; but, the foundation, our commitment to each other seemed/seems strong.

 

Thanksgiving morning she received a text from the OM, sadly she deleted it and didn’t mention it to me. I confronted her and she gave me some lame reason, but I told her I was really upset about it. She said she was really sorry and blocked the OM from her phone, and her social media pages. The rest of Thanksgiving was really awkward, but also pretty fun.

 

The day after Thanksgiving we went to a rock climbing gym and I was pretty sure the OM was going to be there, he was. She stayed really close to me, hung on me, kissed me, and generally made a point to “be mine”. She told me how much she appreciated me going and really liked doing stuff like that with me.

 

This week (the next week) on Tuesday the OM called her from an unblocked line and they talked for about an hour. She told me about it on her own (though she knows I check the phone records) and said it was basically the same conversation they had before. He was checking in to see if she had changed her mind and told her that he still loved her etc. I told her that I was really upset she talked to him that long. We talked for a while and she gave me some self-pity type comments. It ended with her realizing she was being ungrateful for what she had and self-centered. Things were tense after that, but I think it was a healthy conversation. I’m sure the OM will call again, and we’ll see how she handles it.

 

That is pretty much it, we’re up-to-date now. Things are still really hard, but seem to be going in the right direction. I believe her when she says she is committed to me and tells me she loves me. I think she is beginning to understand what love is and figure herself out. I’ve learned a lot about myself in this process as well. I felt so helpless and powerless when I found out, but now I feel like I will be happy regardless of the outcome (though I really want to make it work).

 

I’ll be posting more and updating my story as it continues, perhaps I’ll even go through and clean it up a little. My hope is that this can provide someone with hope that is going through a similar situation. I know I am not out of the woods yet, but I really feel like things are going to work out.

[RightThere]

Glad to hear you're doing well, but I would totally remove "success" from anywhere on this thread at this point. You are way to soon after D-Day and she is still in communication with the other man. Once all communication stops, that is when real reconciliation can start to begin. Anything before that is still fake.

 

Best of luck to you.

[BetrayedH]

So, she's been dragging you thru the mud for 5 weeks and it's been like 3 days since she talked to the OM. But this is a success story?

 

The first stage of grief is denial; the last is acceptance.

 

You sound like a hell of a nice guy and I do hope it works out for you. But I think it starts with you taking your balls out of her purse. Nice violation of anything and her bags are on the porch.

[dichotomy]

I can't say I read every single word. But the gist of this to me appears that you have bent over backwards ….. for your cheating wife, showing her love and acceptance in the extreme....with little deep remorse on HER part, little anger on your part , nor her willingness to do whatever it took to get YOU back.

 

It seems like for a while.....she did not want you at all ... and need time to figure which man she wanted.

 

I get your a loving man. but how do you want to be loved and honored? What do you want or need to stay married to her?

 

I think your trying to convice yourself and us - this is a success. Too soon. Your emotions will change and be in flux ...

Edited December 6, 2013 by dichotomy

[ChooseTruth]

I appreciate your forgiving nature, but I have to agree with the others... this is really just the beginning. You have a long way to go. She has to go no contact, completely or you stand little chance of making it. Unfortunately your best chance is probably to kick her out the next time she does it. She doesn't get to checkin with OM anymore. He is out of the picture.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Your wife having numerous conversations with the OM this whole time, highlights the lack of success.

 

The most important thing for a BS to do, is to reel in all resources. Stop focusing on the other parties. Shut them down. On Dday, R should never be on the table. R should never be offered UNTIL the WS shows through actions that it is worth any type of investment.

 

The dynamic that now exists between you, are that she is free to act on each and every emotion she has, any time she wants....and you must maintain your empathy, control, doormat hats on, at all times.

 

 

She is not going to want to give up that dynamic...if you don't require it.

[michelangelo]

You're doing all the work, she isn't doing anything.

 

I would consider her to be in contact with the OM still.

 

A few days acting like she isn't doesn't prove a thing.

 

If I were you, I would consult with a lawyer about your options.

 

And file for divorce and custody of your kid.

 

Success is far off, IMHO.

[Fluttershy]

I'm with everyone else. Too early to call it a success story. But do continue to post here as things develop. So far on her end things do not look good as to her being remorseful. And you can't make her remorseful. But you can enable her to be a cake eater. Don't mistake love for enabling. It is okay to forgive and take someone back who is truly sorry, regretful and examining why they did what they did without blaming everyone else. But takin someone back who isn't remorseful is asking for years of repeat behaviour, loss of self respect, and years of pain from repeat behaviour. People can say words that sound great but long term actions are what counts.

There is a fresh post about people who have recovered and how. None of those posters have footprints on their backs.

[drifter777]

Success? Right now you are about as far from success as possible short of her just moving in with the OM. And referring to her affair in the past tense - as in "my wife had an affair" or "the affair lasted a couple months" is pathetic. You are deluding yourself into thinking they are not still in constant communication. It's likely they are still having sex. And don't float that "they were only together twice" crap because only a desperate, heartbroken husband would believe this.

 

Your wife has face zero consequences so why should anything change? You are still supporting her while she has the relationship she wants with this other guy. In other words, she has her cake and is eating it too.

 

You need to make her take responsibility for the damage she is doing to you and your marriage. This can only come with consequences. Turn the tables on her and walk out the door yourself. Tell her you need some time to decide if you want to stay married to her, and then take the time to think about what is really happening here. Find your own individual counselor to work with. Be selfish and start taking care of yourself because your cheating wife is not going to do it.

 

You can't fix this by trying to "love her" back into the marriage. Whatever your reason for being so terrified of losing her is sick and has nothing to do with her. She is broken and you are too. No emotionally healthy man would go to the lengths that you have to stay with a committed cheater who won't even break off contact with the guy she's cheating with.

[anne1707]

OP

 

I am a fWS and I can tell you that you are absolutely nowhere near being a success story. Your wife is still very much in this affair and is treating you like dirt. She has seen no true consequences of her actions. You are basically letting her eat cake.

 

You need to stand up for yourself. Tell her to leave the marital home immediately - either it is the kick up the backside she needs or you are freeing yourself of someone who does not care about or respect you as a wife should.

[oldshirt]

Sorry man but you are getting played here. There is NOTHING good about this story. If you keep going down this road you are going to drive off the edge and plummet right into the Abyss of Pain and Torment.

 

You are making a mistake at every possible turn.

[AlwaysGrowing]

This is still gnawing at me.

 

That whole Starbucks fiasco. Why would you allow the OM to dissect your marriage, and THEN have a debate with him???

 

Not only does your wife blatantly disrespect you, OM is as bold as all get out.

 

Why do you feel you owe OM any explanation? He certainly felt you owed it to HIM...and you obliged. WHY?

[painfullyobvious]

I commend you for trying but this is not a success story yet. I agree with other posters that you are bending over backwards to appease your WW when it should be the exact opposite after D-Day. For reconciliation to occur effectively there must be remorse and the WS needs to be doing the bulk of the reconciliation work. This means transparency in all areas of her life. This is not happening and in fact she brazenly does not caring what you think about what she is doing. She is not even trying to be sneaky. She is giving you the finger as she goes about her life whether you like it or not.

 

 

Another thing, it is awfully early to be declaring victory in your situation or citing your situation as a success. Another poster described the stages of grief in your situation and I agree you have not even reached anger yet in my opinion. Also I would say that your wife has not even been away from her OM long enough to display her grief in the loss of her affair relationship (because it has yet to formally end). She has not experienced affair withdrawal, and may even still be in the affair fog syndrome.

 

 

Not to be a jerk here but you have so much to learn about affairs, the stages, the terminology and situations so I suggest you start reading the many stories in the infidelity section and even marriage life partnership section because you have not seen anything yet. Listen to the suggestions from the posters who have been through affairs. Read about no contact, transparency, consequences of affair, affair fog, the concept of 180, cutting off resources of the affair, how to bust a cheater, and how to locate evidence of the length of the affair, I wish you the best in recovery. Part of me thinks you might even be a troll. Success after five weeks, reconciled because your wife has not talked to OM in three days? You are very naïve or trying to get attention. The average affair reconciliation last between two to three years with a lot of work and many close calls of wondering if it is even worth it.

[oldshirt]

 

Not only does your wife blatantly disrespect you, OM is as bold as all get out.

 

Why do you feel you owe OM any explanation? He certainly felt you owed it to HIM...and you obliged. WHY?

 

This is why this game is pretty much over. It's the bottom of the 9th and Team Promise keeper is down by 27 points.

 

Let's review the facts. -

 

- She admitted the affair with very little prodding. She barely even tried to cover it up or hide it.

 

- She openly states doesn't love OP

 

- openly states love for OM.

 

- says it's over to OM but clearly nullifies that by saying OP is making her say it.

 

- She is continuing to see OM and isn't really even trying to hide it.

 

- She is continuing to contact him and allowing him to contact her at will.

 

- Goes to OM when OP says he needs to leave house to think.

 

-She stayed in the house at her parents request. Not because she chose to.

 

- OM stands up to OP and dominates him.

 

- OM was a prior love-interest and has never been out of her life.

 

-She has admitted affair has been ongoing over months. This is likely the very tip of the iceberg.

 

-OP has been unwilling or unable to establish or enforce any semblance of any kind of personal boundary.

 

-OP chooses to believe any lame story or excuse she pulls out of her a$$ without any shred of supporting evidence.

 

-OP has not made any due diligence effort to keep OM away.

 

-Her relatives appear to be at least passively supporting her affair even though they tell OP they understand why he is upset.

 

Add all that up are there is no logical reason to believe that the affair will end or that they can successfully reconcile this marriage.

 

This is like watching Atlanta burn in Gone With The Wind.

Edited December 6, 2013 by oldshirt

[leonine]

This is like watching Atlanta burn in Gone With The Wind.

 

Yes, except in this case Atlanta is declaring victory as it's burning to the ground.

[aliveagain]

Are you serious? Where is the success? Your the prize, get angry man, don't wait for them to decide what your relationship should be, you decide. When are you going to believe what she's showing you? Sorry man but I shouldn't be the one getting angry ready your post. You deserve so much more than what she's giving you. Have you talked to a lawyer, you need to based on what you've written, protect your child. Get tested for STD's.

[Jonah]

Oh my gosh if you are wrong about this it will be exponentially hard for you for you will forever see yourself as such a fool in front of your wife, the OM, your self and the world.

 

Read sofie's story... that's the way I wish I would have played it... instead of being all lovey-dovey.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/426582-he-knows-about-my-affair-but-hasn-t-said-anything-update-disclosed

 

Even if this plan of yours works and she lets go of this guy that she has been with longer than she has with you... You will suffer for years. Not uncommon at all to be suffering decades later. This is the gift your wife has graced you with.

 

And that's if everything goes ok. Everyone here that read your story thinks that you are getting greased man. I think so too...

[bubbaganoosh]

Friend. it doesn't matter how many forums you go to and write your story, your going to get the same results. Your being played big time and your wife and this guy have no respect at all for you and you keep playing right in to their hand.

 

I don't know what it will take for you to get it through your head that what your doing is making matters worse and it will get worse unless you take a stand and either get this guy or her out of your life.

 

The only people who will support how your handling thing are guys who think like you and brother I've seen a few but not many.

[oldshirt]

Yes, except in this case Atlanta is declaring victory as it's burning to the ground.

 

Good point

[HurtHalo79]

Whoa.

 

Mate, you seem like a really nice guy, but you are being far too quick to forgive her in order to minimise your own hurt. Don't worry, us males do this, it's a normal response.

 

My D-Day was 05 Nov, and I can tell you now, even with my wife completely maintaining NC with the OM and doing everything she can to save us, I am nowhere even near forgiving her or considering things a success. It's a bloody tragedy, and the deceit involved won't be forgiven for a long long time.

 

She is still seeing this guy, and she is still pining for him. She's still in the affair fog mate. Hour long conversations post-D-Day are absolutely unacceptable (were they ever acceptable??), and I would hazard a guess they are trying to get their stories straight. The fact this arsehole thought he could regale you with his opinion of your marriage in person shows that he has no respect for any boundaries you might impose, he believes himself to be above them.

 

I have confronted the OM a few days ago, and he stood there, shut his mouth, and quivered with fear as I gave him a state of the union speech regarding his continued contact. You need to make your wife (and she needs to want to as well), write a letter demanding NC. If she breaks this, she needs to be aware of the consequences.

 

A hot tip; go and see a lawyer (tell her you are), and go and get your backup plan waiting. Most lawyers worth their salt will give you a free initial consult.

[BHsigh]

Wow, she did one of the worst things that she could possibly do to you, and yet you've bent over backwards to get her to stay with you. You may as well have run off and cried to your mom, because that is how she sees you now. I believe you when you say that you love her, but you are showing her that you are weak and have no self respect whatsoever.

 

After having an affair she asked for a separation multiple times? And you talked and cried her out of it? Wow, it looks like you are begging her to stay, and I guarantee that she thinks the same thing. No one likes a beggar, she's probably staying around just to keep you from crying and begging even more. At least she gets something to wipe her feet on so that she doesn't get OM's carpet dirty.

 

I know that I sound harsh, I don't intend to be mean to you, but you need to see reality, I only see a success story for her. You work full time along with side jobs so that she can do a few side jobs here and there and runs around and plays. She even kept OM as a facebook friend after dday. Brother, wake up before it's too late. File for a divorce and kick her out, you can always stop a divorce if she puts in the hard work. And she needs to stop going out without you period, this includes her rock climbing, since OM can show up there.

[Bryanp]

Her actions show a total lack of respect for you and your marriage. I hope you have been tested for STD's. IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

[Quiet Storm]

You are rationalizing because your mind isn't ready to handle the truth yet.

 

The truth is that your wife feels sexually attracted to and bonded to the other man.

 

If you want her to be attracted to you, you must take control. A woman will not be sexually attracted to a man she can manipulate and outsmart. Women need to see that you will stand up for yourself and what's right.

 

You think that by being accomodating and accepting that she will appreciate it and see what a great husband you are. The sad thing is that it does the opposite. She will not value you, because you are showing her that you don't value yourself.

 

I know your goal is to keep your family together, and I understand that. I just think that by being so accepting, you are reinforcing her idea that om is Mr. Dominant exciting alpha male that has the balls to set up a meeting with her husband, and you are Mr reliable & trusting.

 

You rationalize this meeting by saying " she came home with me", and gloss over that he called all the shots. He wanted her there? He is behaving as if she is HIS woman, and he's just allowing her to play wife to you. You don't realize the primal, sexual element at play here. He demonstrated ownership over her by doing that, and that is very validating to a woman with issues. You are feeding her dysfunction. She values bold, assertive, a5shole behavior. Your kindness, forgiveness and acceptance just looks unattractive to her.

 

Your wife was unfaithful to you. You should only offer forgiveness if she deserves it. Her loyalty should be with you, and the sneaky phone calls, disappearing for hours shows where her loyalty lies.

 

Your wife is not being a good wife or mother right now, and accepting that makes you look weak. I know you are just trying to keep your family together, but you will have a better chance for a genuine reconciliation if you value yourself and stand up for your values and beliefs. You must demand respect, you must be the strong, assertive man.

 

She has told you she loves om and does not love you. She is a cheater and a liar. She doesn't deserve your kindness right now. She needs to be held accountable. She needs to feel consequences.

[Debanked]

You let another man sit down with you and your wife at Starbucks and tell you about YOUR marriage. Wow.

[Try]

You let another man sit down with you and your wife at Starbucks and tell you about YOUR marriage. Wow.

When I read that, I said wow too. The other man ("OM") wanted to show the wife that he was the alpha male, and he accomplished that goal. The OM also showed that he had no respect for the marraige, and that the husband was not someone to be feared.