Will she come back?

[confusedandhurt2002]

The woman my husband had an affair with moved several states away. He and i have no contact with her. She whines and moans on her social media pages (the ones I can see...I blocked her on Facebook) about missing my husband, who she had mainly an emotional affair with. she's been mostly quiet so far as she lives with her husband and three kids...the oldest of which is 16 and just go pregnant (she also has a 16 year old livign with her that the state is investigating because she had a baby and it's believed her husband fathered that baby) and hopefully is busy fixing her own sh.it.

 

WH did not end the affair with her well, that I know of. He said he stopped talking to her and taking her calls, period. His counselor said no contact if he wanted to save his marriage and that's what he did. THe onlything is, I've asked if he told her it's all over and said he can't remember. He had an emotional breakdown after i discovered everything and almost killed himself. It was like he woke up from some spell...it was very odd. I had kicked him out and he lived away from our family for about a month and he threatened to kill himself more than once during that time..and not because he wanted to come home but because he hated himself.

 

Anyhow, I have this feeling that some day this woman will come back into our lives. I have a feeling she's going to snap in anger one day at him and try to get to me and tell me a bunch of stuff about the affair and try to ruin him. Or a member of her family will ...there is a lot to why I think this, but the bottom line is...I am wondering how I prepare myself for this and how we handle it. She lives several thousand miles away now so I don't know how she'll try to contact us but I'm sure she'll be back to visit family at some point, so I would like to be prepared.

[Cinnimon]

Your husband can't remember if he told her it was over?? Okay.......

[oldshirt]

If she's biblically posting things about her feelings for a married man and he is threatening suicide all the time, it sounds like they are both a pair of nutballs.

 

Also if he is saying he doesn't remember if he broke it off with her or not he is lying to your face and it means he not not break up with her.

 

He remembers every single detail of her and there affair like it was this afternoon. Anytime a WS says they don't remember, they are lying. They remember every minute detail, they just don't want to tell you.

 

These two are lying, manipulative and unstable wackjobs, there's no telling what they'll do.

 

You need to decide if it is really worth all of this.

[painfullyobvious]

Your husband can't remember if he told her it was over?? Okay.......

 

Not only that what is mainly an emotional affair?

[confusedandhurt2002]

Yeah..so...I need to clarify a bit. I shouldn't have written he can't remember..he can't remember his exact words because he was very upset and said he only told her I knew everything and then never spoke to her again. What he can remember I am sure he is not telling me and I don't need to know what he said to her in exact words. He has already told me he did NOT tell her to get lost. I will be bringing this up again with him but we had an intense discussion yesterday and are taking a break before we start again.

 

By mainly, I mean that the majority of the affair was talking but sex was involved. I should not have typed all that out so fast because I left huge holes there. Grrr. Sorry and thanks for pointing that out.

 

Also, I do know he is not being honest but to call him a nut job for being suicidal is a bit shi.tty don't you think?

[confusedandhurt2002]

Some of your comments are why I swore off these boards two months ago. Think I'll do that again. Yikes.

 

But, you also have some good points that I will consider.

If she's biblically posting things about her feelings for a married man and he is threatening suicide all the time, it sounds like they are both a pair of nutballs.

 

Also if he is saying he doesn't remember if he broke it off with her or not he is lying to your face and it means he not not break up with her.

 

He remembers every single detail of her and there affair like it was this afternoon. Anytime a WS says they don't remember, they are lying. They remember every minute detail, they just don't want to tell you.

 

These two are lying, manipulative and unstable wackjobs, there's no telling what they'll do.

 

You need to decide if it is really worth all of this.

[oldshirt]

Some of your comments are why I swore off these boards two months ago. Think I'll do that again. Yikes.

 

But, you also have some good points that I will consider.

 

I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful. Just calling it like I see it based on the info you have given us.

 

Affairs are very significant to all parties involved. If someone say they don't remember something they are lying and they don't want to tell you the details. Period.

 

If some gal is posting her woes with some married guy on social media for all to see that meets my standard of being a nutjob.

 

If some guy is always threatening suicide after he's gotten caught with his wick in the wrong inkwell and then tells his wife he doesn't remember the details of breaking it off with his AP, that meets my definition of a wackjob and a manipulative lier.

 

Your standards and definitions may differ, but regardless, you asked for people's opinions and what their thoughts on the matter are.

 

My thoughts are they are both a couple of crackpots and if you decide to stay, then you need to be prepared for anything.

[veritas lux mea]

If she's biblically posting things about her feelings for a married man and he is threatening suicide all the time, it sounds like they are both a pair of nutballs.

 

Also if he is saying he doesn't remember if he broke it off with her or not he is lying to your face and it means he not not break up with her.

 

He remembers every single detail of her and there affair like it was this afternoon. Anytime a WS says they don't remember, they are lying. They remember every minute detail, they just don't want to tell you.

 

These two are lying, manipulative and unstable wackjobs, there's no telling what they'll do.

 

You need to decide if it is really worth all of this.

I agree that he remembered whether he talked to her or not and the OP clarified what she meant. But I don't agree with the rest of what you wrote. It is unrealistic to think that all people remember every single detail. And this is een harder the longer the affair lasts. Also, human memory is a tricky thing and we can have false memories as well.

this is me as the person that cheated! I can tell you frankly and honestly I don't remember every single detail.

Edited December 7, 2013 by veritas lux mea

[confusedandhurt2002]

Again. You have some really great points here that I can't help but agree with. Thank you for putting them so well! i appreciate your candidness. Really...no sarcasm here! I've read what you wrote again and really understand where you are coming from better now. a little dinner must have cleared my head. ;-)

 

I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful. Just calling it like I see it based on the info you have given us.

 

Affairs are very significant to all parties involved. If someone say they don't remember something they are lying and they don't want to tell you the details. Period.

 

If some gal is posting her woes with some married guy on social media for all to see that meets my standard of being a nutjob.

 

If some guy is always threatening suicide after he's gotten caught with his wick in the wrong inkwell and then tells his wife he doesn't remember the details of breaking it off with his AP, that meets my definition of a wackjob and a manipulative lier.

 

Your standards and definitions may differ, but regardless, you asked for people's opinions and what their thoughts on the matter are.

 

My thoughts are they are both a couple of crackpots and if you decide to stay, then you need to be prepared for anything.

[confusedandhurt2002]

I agree that he remembered whether he talked to her or not and the OP clarified what she meant. But I don't agree with the rest of what you wrote. It is unrealistic to think that all people remember every single detail. And this is een harder the longer the affair lasts. Also, human memory is a tricky thing and we can have false memories as well.

this is me as the person that cheated! I can tell you frankly and honestly I don't remember every single detail.

 

Honestly? I don't even remember what all I said that first week after DDay so I don't know if I think he is lying about it all. Yes he spoke to her, but he was completely out of it and had maybe a couple hours sleep in two days (he'd had to work an overnight shift Dday...didn't really care at that point about him and felt he deserved it) so he probably doesn't remember what he said to her exactly. I'm sure he remembers something but based on what I've been told by someone who knows her (not well, but knows her through family) whatever he did say was not a sign that the relationship was going to continue. She was upset and pissed off about it...whatever it was.

I'm doing a horrid job of explaining any of it tonight, I'm afraid. I don't know what is up today but I"m totally wiped out. I should have tried to ask this when I wasn't so exhausted. Live and learn.

[waterwoman]

I have to agree that's it's perfectly feasible to not remember everything clearly. Dday was one of the most traumatic periods of my life and at the time it was seared into my mind like a brand! But a few months later the details were uncertain. Ditto the Times when my babies were born, and our wedding day (not traumatic just exciting obviously!) Few memories stay pin sharp.

[harrybrown]

Your H did some rotten things, but is he showing remorse now? It does seem like he either does not like what he did, or is facing some reality of remorse or remorse for getting caught.

 

Has he given you his passwords to his cell and his computer? Is he willing to go to counseling with you? Has he told you the truth and stopped the lies? Has he stopped all contact with the OW?

 

Does he read any books about helping you with your pain and loss of trust?

 

He can not control what the crazy OW does, but he can work to help you get to a better place. What is he doing to help you have good days today?

[confusedandhurt2002]

Yes. He is showing true remorse..not just for being caught. He started counseling, something very hard for him because things he has kept buried for years are pouring out and it is really uncomfortabe for him. He has give me his cell to look at whenever I want. He has given me the password to every online account he has and invited me to look at his work email as wel (I haven't done that one yet because, while i do believe he is not in contact, IDon't want to see past messages from her and have it hurt me more if they are here..which I don't know if they are)

 

He does seem to be telling the truth. More than once he has had complete breakdowns and asked for my forgiveness and begged me not o leave.after one session with our counselor (we have individual ones as well) he stopped the car in the middle of the parking lot and starred ahead and said "I can't believe I did this. Oh God how did I fall this far" and started sobbing.It was unsettling for me because other times he had been defensive and blaming (and he has blamed again but I know he does that when I demand answers from him on why he did it..he panics.THis does NOT happen often anymore)

 

He has done so much to try to help me heal and sometimes I reject him because I'm so angry. It gets to a point he feels like nothing he does wil ever be good enough. It isn't true at all butI know he feels that way.I think I am afraid of her coming back because I don't want her to tel me anything that will take away what we've found after all this came out -- that we are each other's best friends and still really love each other.

Your H did some rotten things, but is he showing remorse now? It does seem like he either does not like what he did, or is facing some reality of remorse or remorse for getting caught.

 

Has he given you his passwords to his cell and his computer? Is he willing to go to counseling with you? Has he told you the truth and stopped the lies? Has he stopped all contact with the OW?

 

Does he read any books about helping you with your pain and loss of trust?

 

He can not control what the crazy OW does, but he can work to help you get to a better place. What is he doing to help you have good days today?

[Cinnimon]

If this is the way he feels, then it shouldn't be a problem "if she comes back". Sounds to me as she has moved on,other than being left with some residual feelings.

[confusedandhurt2002]

If this is the way he feels, then it shouldn't be a problem "if she comes back". Sounds to me as she has moved on,other than being left with some residual feelings.

The more I think about this, the more I agree. He actually has gotten physically ill when talking about her and one night, after I was pretty verbally rough on him about all of this, he had a complete breakdown, to the point I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance. He was just crying and dizzy and almost hyperventilated. I know I have mentioned a couple break downs here but this has been over a period of five months -- it hasn't been every day. I'm saying that he truly seems remorseful and said one thing that snapped him back into reality is when a counselor, right after DDay asked, "who do you see yourself growing old with?" He said, "my wife..." and said he knew he had to do whatever he could to try to repair the damage. He wouldn't take her calls and when she did try to call him he asked me how to block her number on his cellphone..he honestly didn't know and I had only found out a year or two before after an incident with an old babysitter (no. no. not an affair. lol. A much different story with a misunderstanding involved...that's all.)

 

Anyhow, I think I'm doing that over worrying thing again...that and trying to control crap I can not control.

[lifelesson101]

I say this in all sincerity and I have some letters after my name and clinical experience to back it up. From what you have written here, your husband sounds mentally ill. More so than she does. Obviously pining for someone on via social media is a bit immature; however, you have not indicated she has made direct contact with your husband, you, or other members of you family.

 

I would ask:

 

#1: Why are YOU following her online activities?

#2: Has your husband had a full blown psychiatric evaluation after expression suicidal indeations and/or attempting suicide?

#3: Is your husband continuing with personal therapy?

#4: Are you seeking marriage counseling?

 

Since she is thousands of miles away, I don't think she is a huge source of concern for you. Your husband's demonstrated mental instability IS.

[confusedandhurt2002]

Thank you for your candid comment. To answer some of the questions you posed here:

 

He is in ongoing therapy and he shows me the receipts to prove he's been there as well as the cards he gets from there with his next appointment and I have the counselors name. And YES I am aware, as is he, that he is mentally ill.

 

We are in couples and each have an individual counselor. We HATE our marriage counselor and are discussing how to handle this.We are in a rural area and marriage counselors are difficult to find. I would like one who has dealt with affairs in the past and who doesn't treat us like we are four years old (she makes us feel like crap at every single session. Ugh.I mean..she's supposed to help us through the bad things we've bot done to the marriage but..well..it's a whole other post)

 

He has not had a full pysch eval and yes, he should.

 

As for why I follow her online activities: at first it was to try to understand why she was better than me (she isn't and I understand that more and more as each day passes...she's very messed up and I actually feel bad for her. ANd also, I get that a person usually "affairs down"); then it was to see if she'd give me more clues to what really happened (I felt my husband wasn't being fully truthful because he didn'twant to hurt me anymore than he had already) and now it is to make sure she stays where she is.

 

I am HIGHLY aware that this is very unhealthy and am taking steps to stop it and am working with my counselor to discontinue this paranoia and the apparent attempt to make sure I am never made a fool of again. I have actually been doing well with not "stalking her' online but this past week I failed.

 

I say this in all sincerity and I have some letters after my name and clinical experience to back it up. From what you have written here, your husband sounds mentally ill. More so than she does. Obviously pining for someone on via social media is a bit immature; however, you have not indicated she has made direct contact with your husband, you, or other members of you family.

 

I would ask:

 

#1: Why are YOU following her online activities?

#2: Has your husband had a full blown psychiatric evaluation after expression suicidal indeations and/or attempting suicide?

#3: Is your husband continuing with personal therapy?

#4: Are you seeking marriage counseling?

 

Since she is thousands of miles away, I don't think she is a huge source of concern for you. Your husband's demonstrated mental instability IS.

[lifelesson101]

"As for why I follow her online activities: at first it was to try to understand why she was better than me (she isn't and I understand that more and more as each day passes...she's very messed up and I actually feel bad for her. ANd also, I get that a person usually "affairs down"); then it was to see if she'd give me more clues to what really happened (I felt my husband wasn't being fully truthful because he didn't want to hurt me anymore than he had already) and now it is to make sure she stays where she is."

 

I understand every bit of this. She is not "better than you." People involved in affairs often find themselves turning the situation into some form of twisted competition. I think one's self esteme takes such a beating when we are betrayed that we grasp for any little less-than-perfect thing about the AP to feel better about ourselves. We hope the AP is unattractive, older, heavier, bushy eyebrows, uneducated, crooked teeth, overbite . . . whatever it is we can pick apart about them to help save our esteem and sanity.

 

You probably wont get any clues from her regarding what happened by following her on line. If you truly want to reconcile with your husband, those truths need to come from him. This is the first step toward healing your relationship.

 

If you go back and read my post you will find I have been on both side of the fence. My first husband had a lengthy extramarital affair and married his AP. Many years later, I had an affair. Yes, after the absolute grief I experienced with my husband - I did the same thing. Because I thought the love with MM was different, we were special, and we could beat the odds. Boy, was I wrong and we were nothing but another statistic!! I tell you this because no one is immune to affairs.

 

By the way, my AP did not "affair down." He "upped" quite a bit. I was a decade younger than his wife, prettier, highly educated, blah ... blah... but at the end of the day, he was home with his wife, where he still is. Those things mattered not.

[confusedandhurt2002]

By affair down, I mean they/we accept people who have no problem engaging in an affair with a married person/helping a person break their wedding vows. I do not mean this as an insult to you, but looking back I am sure you were in a dark place emotionally and mentally during the affair. That's what I mean by "affair down" not appearance or background.ANd I say "we" because I almost fell into this trap after my husband's affair came to light so, yes, I am aware none of us are immune. And I was in a dark, angry place when it almost happened so I am not saying you were, but I was. Please don't take any of this wrong...I am absolutely not judging you because I almost started an affair with a married man who started hitting on me heavily when my husband and I split in the beginning. And, yes, I have cut off all contact with him -- other than, unfortunately, family events because ... ick! he was a family member by marriage. (I feel like puking even remembering it now...ugh!).

 

I am so grateful I did not because even a taste of it made me realize how much I loved my husband and wanted to save this marriage, as long as he was willing to do so and he was. My husband knows all about this by the way, and it's put a strain on his family relationships, but that strain was already there and my husband seems actually grateful to have an excuse not to deal with that part of the family. I confessed it all to him very shortly after it happened.

 

"As for why I follow her online activities: at first it was to try to understand why she was better than me (she isn't and I understand that more and more as each day passes...she's very messed up and I actually feel bad for her. ANd also, I get that a person usually "affairs down"); then it was to see if she'd give me more clues to what really happened (I felt my husband wasn't being fully truthful because he didn't want to hurt me anymore than he had already) and now it is to make sure she stays where she is."

 

I understand every bit of this. She is not "better than you." People involved in affairs often find themselves turning the situation into some form of twisted competition. I think one's self esteme takes such a beating when we are betrayed that we grasp for any little less-than-perfect thing about the AP to feel better about ourselves. We hope the AP is unattractive, older, heavier, bushy eyebrows, uneducated, crooked teeth, overbite . . . whatever it is we can pick apart about them to help save our esteem and sanity.

 

You probably wont get any clues from her regarding what happened by following her on line. If you truly want to reconcile with your husband, those truths need to come from him. This is the first step toward healing your relationship.

 

If you go back and read my post you will find I have been on both side of the fence. My first husband had a lengthy extramarital affair and married his AP. Many years later, I had an affair. Yes, after the absolute grief I experienced with my husband - I did the same thing. Because I thought the love with MM was different, we were special, and we could beat the odds. Boy, was I wrong and we were nothing but another statistic!! I tell you this because no one is immune to affairs.

 

By the way, my AP did not "affair down." He "upped" quite a bit. I was a decade younger than his wife, prettier, highly educated, blah ... blah... but at the end of the day, he was home with his wife, where he still is. Those things mattered not.