Why did you stay?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Looking back at my relationship, this a reoccurring question that I can't find the answer too...Why did I stay?

 

Attraction? Sex?

 

That's all I can think of. Is that enough to carry the weight of relationship? Nope. Not at all. So why did I stay?

 

Codependency? Fear? Addiction? Loneliness?

 

What is it? Why is it so hard to let go of? Why does it hurt to leave when your needs weren't met?

 

So, why did you stay? And if they left you and you wanted them back, why did you want them back? Why did you want to be with someone who doesn't love you anymore? Or if they hurt you or cheated on you, or took you for granted? Why are we the ones that hurt when we did everything right?

[Salvatore85]

The idea of being alone was far more embarrassing at 28 years old than being treated like crap in a bad relationship...pretty pathetic in all honesty.

[me85]

I stayed because I loved him.

 

 

I stayed because I thought things would get better.

 

 

I stayed because I foolishly thought he would change and wanted us to work just as much as I did.

 

 

(and yes because we were intensely into one another - sex was never the problem - very much attracted to one another)

Edited December 7, 2013 by me85

[Zoe Lilith]

I stayed because I loved him.

 

 

I stayed because I thought things would get better.

 

 

I stayed because I foolishly thought he would change and wanted us to work just as much as I did.

 

The words: "no one will ever love you like I do, I never felt this way before" or "I am not giving up on us" - is something I thought was worth my 100% of attention and emotional investment. ..I keep remembering all the good things (probably the reason why I am not able to let go). I keep forgeting the fact that the same person dumped me, and the way he dumped me..

[me85]

I'm sorry Zoe. I do know how you feel though.

 

 

We do start remembering more of the good than the bad, why we do that to ourselves...I have no idea.

 

 

I got an official "it's over" through a private message on facebook. We are both 28 and were together nearly 3 years (lived together for 2.)

 

 

If that picture by your name is you (I'm guessing it is) you're a beautiful lady and I believe there's someone out there for everyone so hang in there.

 

 

HUGS!

[BOREDouttaMymind]

I stayed because I gave so much of my friggen time and energy, I didn't want some other dude benefiting from all the years I put in to make her who she is today.

 

when we first dated she was a OCD mess, drug user, yada yada, now shes well...still a loser, but well... she still has ocd and is still using meds. hm.

 

funny. looking back, I honestly don't know why I did stay with her!

 

more than likely its because I didn't want to be alone. I mean come on man!.. Friday night..at home.. alone. sucks. masturbating to some video named "huge boob teen" doesn't quite make the night so awesome.

[Mariposa10]

I stayed in my relationship because I ALWAYS thought things would get better. Even though, I (we?) knew we were not meant to be together because we both had "different lifestyles," we loved each other deeply...

 

I guess I've learned to things: do not expect people to change and sometimes love is not enough...

[Zoe Lilith]

I'm sorry Zoe. I do know how you feel though.

 

 

We do start remembering more of the good than the bad, why we do that to ourselves...I have no idea.

 

 

I got an official "it's over" through a private message on facebook. We are both 28 and were together nearly 3 years (lived together for 2.)

 

 

If that picture by your name is you (I'm guessing it is) you're a beautiful lady and I believe there's someone out there for everyone so hang in there.

 

 

 

 

 

HUGS!

 

 

Thank you, me85 ...If it's any comfort for you (as stupid as it sounds), at least you got a "it's over" message..I didn't have that "pleasure" )

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Awww all these responses are rather sad.

 

I think I stayed because of comfort and the fear of the unknown. I know he would stay with me if I settled for less than I deserve. He is happy with the bare minimum. I tried to change and be happy with that too, but I realized it's not who I am.

 

He will never be that man I want and I don't know how to understand that since I didn't ask for much...

 

And leaving, breaking up, it's hard. I saw my future with him in it and now I have to reprogram everything. It's uncomfortable and morbid.

[Simon Phoenix]

He will never be that man I want and I don't know how to understand that since I didn't ask for much...

 

There's nothing to understand. You shouldn't want to change a guy into something, you should want a guy who just fits. You can't "fix" guys, or girls for that matter, they can only fix themselves if they choose to. Maybe next time either a) go for someone more compatible to what you want or b) be more tolerant of who they are.

 

But yeah, all that time you spent trying to fix and mold this guy could have been used to find someone who you were more compatible with. I hate it when people try to "fix" their partner.

[Mariposa10]

There's nothing to understand. You shouldn't want to change a guy into something, you should want a guy who just fits. You can't "fix" guys, or girls for that matter, they can only fix themselves if they choose to. Maybe next time either a) go for someone more compatible to what you want or b) be more tolerant of who they are.

 

But yeah, all that time you spent trying to fix and mold this guy could have been used to find someone who you were more compatible with. I hate it when people try to "fix" their partner.

 

Or even if one's partner is like "I know I need to change x, I will do it especially for you." That person will not change. So yes, it's better to find someone more compatible...

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

There's nothing to understand. You shouldn't want to change a guy into something, you should want a guy who just fits. You can't "fix" guys, or girls for that matter, they can only fix themselves if they choose to. Maybe next time either a) go for someone more compatible to what you want or b) be more tolerant of who they are.

 

But yeah, all that time you spent trying to fix and mold this guy could have been used to find someone who you were more compatible with. I hate it when people try to "fix" their partner.

 

I understand that now, I just didn't before. I can't change my behavior, so why should I expect someone else to change theirs?

 

It's just a tough pill to swallow that I wasn't the one for him. Plus, I haven't quite mastered the art of letting go...and the emotional tug of heartbreak.

 

In other words, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Agreed. OP, you're expecting that someone who doesn't give a crap about you will one day just wake up and do it. It'll never happen. And it's because he KNOWS you'll always expect less. So he does the minimum effort to get you on the hook, and then goes back to giving you exactly what you have shown him you'll accept.

 

You can't change him, but you can change you.

 

I like that! Thanks.

 

 

Trust me, I understand this now. I'm just trying to get over it now. It's really difficult. I don't expect him to come back at all or change his mind. There is no hope. It's just getting through the depression part of it...losing someone you loved.

[Simon Phoenix]

Or even if one's partner is like "I know I need to change x, I will do it especially for you." That person will not change. So yes, it's better to find someone more compatible...

 

If they want to change on their own unprompted by you for you, that's awesome, more power to them. But if you are actively trying to elicit some sort of change, you might as well either a) accept them for what they are and drop the "changing" subject or b) break up with them if it's too much of a red flag/dealbreaker.

[Simon Phoenix]

I understand that now, I just didn't before. I can't change my behavior, so why should I expect someone else to change theirs?

 

It's just a tough pill to swallow that I wasn't the one for him. Plus, I haven't quite mastered the art of letting go...and the emotional tug of heartbreak.

 

In other words, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Have you moved out yet?

[Transplant]

It didn't feel like 'staying' with this one - I remember phoning my mom 8 years ago after I met this girl. She was not 'my first' in any sense of 'firsts' but after I met her, it felt like I never needed to have any more firsts, other than marriage. She was the last first I ever wanted.

 

I have no resentment towards her; she ended things for whatever reason(s) and it really doesn't matter, I suppose. I hope she finds someone to love like she loved me and someone that will love her the way I loved her; she figured it out once, she'll do it again. I was never a doormat to her, nor did she ever treat me like one. Although the pain that followed the break is/was terrifying, she's a fantastic woman and deserves a wonderful life.

 

There's an interesting little video called Eyelids that sort of brings up how we each felt about each other but, at some point, those feelings changed or disappeared but it was wonderful while it lasted

 

[JDPT]

I subconsciously became too comfortable in many aspects and neglected many fundamentals. I'm no longer beat myself over it but rather take it as a learning experience to help me grow into a better me.

[Mariposa10]

It didn't feel like 'staying' with this one - I remember phoning my mom 8 years ago after I met this girl. She was not 'my first' in any sense of 'firsts' but after I met her, it felt like I never needed to have any more firsts, other than marriage. She was the last first I ever wanted.

 

I have no resentment towards her; she ended things for whatever reason(s) and it really doesn't matter, I suppose. I hope she finds someone to love like she loved me and someone that will love her the way I loved her; she figured it out once, she'll do it again. I was never a doormat to her, nor did she ever treat me like one. Although the pain that followed the break is/was terrifying, she's a fantastic woman and deserves a wonderful life.

 

There's an interesting little video called Eyelids that sort of brings up how we each felt about each other but, at some point, those feelings changed or disappeared but it was wonderful while it lasted

 

 

 

Your post reminded me of my ex. As soon as we became a couple, all he did was talk about me with his friends and family, so much that at some point (I didn't tell him) it became a little bit uncomfortable because I have never liked to be on the spotlight. Every time I would meet a member of his family or his friends they would tell me how much and all the stuff he had told them about me. He was on cloud nine. He was always super serious about the relationship, talking about marriage, etc...

 

That's one of the things that hurts the most, knowing he doesn't love me like he used to, or love me at all...

 

But at the end of the day, I'm happy to have had experienced this kind of love, I don't regret the relationship. I don't see it as a waste of time, like I saw it at some point.

[BC1980]

I stayed because I thought he would eventually marry me. Even though I thought it would be a few years, I did trust him. Even though I was dissatisfied for the last year, I did trust that he would marry me.

 

I also stayed because:

 

I had invested a lot of time and emotions.

 

I was a primary caretaker for his son (his first wife died years ago). I think his son may have been one of the most important reasons for me because I did see myself as his mother in many ways. I still cannot bring myself to think of his son because it is just too painful. He simply does not exist for me at this point in time.

 

I genuinely liked hanging out with my ex, and we always had a great time together. We just clicked.

 

I was extremely frustrated during the last year or our relationship, but he did and said all the right things that led me to believe we would get married. I knew that if I broke up with him, we would never see each other again, so I could never muster up the courage to go through with it. I think one of the reasons he was able to go through with it is because he honestly believed we would remain best friends. He didn't realize how final our break would be.

[LostConfused123]

I believed every word he said and took those words to heart.

 

Stupid. It never occurred to me he would lie. . . again, stupid!

[KelC411]

I stayed because he told me he would love me forever and we were soul mates and made a great team. I stayed because he said he would always be honest with me and he said that we were ok, we were both just stressed. I stayed because I thought we were both committed to getting through anything, through thick and thin, and did not expect him to run just because we had had a couple of stressful, less than ideal months.

[me85]

Thank you, me85 ...If it's any comfort for you (as stupid as it sounds), at least you got a "it's over" message..I didn't have that "pleasure" )

 

 

You're very welcome!

 

& yes, I guess at least I got an end and I'm so sorry you did not.

 

Like I always say, time is on your side. I promise you that.

 

[LostConfused123]

You are not stupid. You were just in love, maybe you still are.

 

I promise that time is on your side.

 

The past 2 weeks or so I have been happier and looking forward to a better future. I've been "dating myself" lol and falling in love with ME. Best feeling I've had in a really long time.

 

And now my ex wants me back.

 

Decisions, decisions...

Thanks

And very happy to see you have had a better couple of weeks!

 

 

What are you going to do (ex wants you back?)

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

My mind is just everywhere this morning, my hands are shaking and I feel like I'm going insane. I have been looking for therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists and they all are either too far, don't accept my insurance or not available any time soon. I'm freaking out. I called my primary care physician and they don't have any appointments available till the end of the month and I just feel like everything is going against me.

 

I don't know how to cope right now and I need help. Please. I can't even hold back my tears while at work. I just don't know what to do. Is someone out there?

[LadyM]

I have an idea for what can help you. I find that when I am feeling low and have no one to speak with, there is a book that has been very helpful for getting me through the rough spots. It is called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J. Elliott. She writes in a way that I think will really speak to you. I think she even has a blog online you may want to check out.

 

It's the next best thing to having a therapist, or maybe even better, depending upon the therapist. It's only about $11 on Amazon and may do the trick for you during excruciating times like this.