Why did you stay?

[LostConfused123]

I put this on the other thread but wanted to put it here too.

 

Message me so I can give you my number. I don't know how to do that yet and have to head out to a job for just a couple hours.

 

I have the entire afternoon off and no plans tonight so we can talk as long as you need.

 

I really have to run now but we'll figure something out.

 

Hang in there!!!

((hugs!!))

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I put this on the other thread but wanted to put it here too.

 

Message me so I can give you my number. I don't know how to do that yet and have to head out to a job for just a couple hours.

 

I have the entire afternoon off and no plans tonight so we can talk as long as you need.

 

I really have to run now but we'll figure something out.

 

Hang in there!!!

((hugs!!))

 

I can't PM on here yet, but my email is on the other thread. Thanks LC :-)

[LostConfused123]

I can't PM on here yet, but my email is on the other thread. Thanks LC :-)

Yep

got it. Hang in there. We'll talk soon.

 

((hugs))

[JDPT]

Embrace your feelings and accept your current situation. You are experiencing perfectly normal emotions that anyone in your current situation would experience. Proactively start taking charge, I know you may not have the strength or capacity to do much but that's just your emotional state telling you that you cannot when in reality you CAN. You will start by taking baby steps and before you know it you will be running marathons. This is recovery and you will come out of this a new and improved you.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Embrace your feelings and accept your current situation. You are experiencing perfectly normal emotions that anyone in your current situation would experience. Proactively start taking charge, I know you may not have the strength or capacity to do much but that's just your emotional state telling you that you cannot when in reality you CAN. You will start by taking baby steps and before you know it you will be running marathons. This is recovery and you will come out of this a new and improved you.

 

I keep thinking about him moving on and meeting other women. I know it's the inevitable, but how do I let that go?

 

How do I let him go?

 

Have any of your talked to therapists?

[JDPT]

I keep thinking about him moving on and meeting other women. I know it's the inevitable, but how do I let that go?

 

How do I let him go?

 

Have any of your talked to therapists?

 

The first few months the thoughts of your ex are inadvertent, anything after that it's a choice. Seeking professional assistance is imperative in getting you through this process. I can only suggest to see Simone qualified who will be able to walk you through these times of distress. You have the strength you need to propel yourself forward. You are the only one who can so this, no one else will buy you. Be strong we have all experienced the excruciating pain and insanity when our exes leave us stranded. Buy that's when survival instincts come into play and you will do whatever it is you need to do to truly and honestly move forward with your life.

[sambo77]

I keep thinking about him moving on and meeting other women. I know it's the inevitable, but how do I let that go?

 

How do I let him go?

 

Have any of your talked to therapists?

 

Sorry to hear you're hurting so badly BYCS. Going through it all with you...and I know what it's like to constantly speculate about the ex moving on and meeting other people.

 

How do you let that go?

 

Well...I understand the desire to "do something" to "quickly fix" such thoughts and feelings ASAP. However, I don't think there's a quick fix. The modern way of thinking about unpleasant thoughts and feelings (ones like you're having right now) is to sort of "medicalize" them.

 

What I mean by that is that we've started viewing our unwanted thoughts and feelings as something akin to diseases that we "want gone" and we therefore "look for the appropriate treatment" to rid ourselves of them. This is the reason the self-help section is the biggest growing section in most book stores...people are itching for the secret ingredient to eradicating negative thought and emotion and acquiring positive ones.

 

Sadly, I don't think it works like that. But I think we (a) WISH that it did, and (b) live in a society that has convinced us that psychological difficulties can be viewed the same way as physical ailments (diagnose, treat, cure).

 

What you're asking is whether or not there's a short cut to get around the powerful feelings of jealousy, love, regret, and loss that you're feeling in relation to your ex.

 

People might try to convince you that there is such a short cut...but I'd say it's BS...there isn't one. There isn't a shred of evidence that any sort of quick fix can shorten the natural course of events following a breakup...and anything that "works" works because it simply helps you to cope while good old "time" does its thing.

 

What does time do? Well, it slowly, slowly causes you to forget what you're missing and slowly, slowly provides you with evidence that you can and do survive without the thing you're missing. This will be your most helpful tool in your road to recovery and mother nature has already built it into you and the laws of the universe.

 

Yeah...I see a therapist. She helps because she makes me feel like somebody gives a shlt about me life and my existence. She helps me to process my feelings. She helps me to cope. The relationship with her is a sort of scaffolding holding me up while I'm going through this.

[forgetmenot75]

Yes, there is someone here

Breath. you're probably having some sort of panic attack. Relax, it's not something serious, though it may feel like it is.

Search for videos on youtube on how to calm down. Google: how to stop a panic attack.

You'll be fine. In the meanwhile, control your breath, watch a comedy, call a friend and listen to their problems. Post here. There's a lot of people needing advice, and shifting from your problems to other's problems will make you feel better.

[underscore44]

Hey CottonSocks

 

Life and all of its situations aren't easy, many before you have come to it and many after you will do the same. Pain in many forms isn't easy to deal with but it is there and it is ok to embrace but pain is only temporary. Whether it be a day, a month, a year the pain will go away and you have to trust that it will.

Right now your problem is that you fear the future and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel but trust me it is. It is your choice to walk to it though. Don't let the emotional thoughts of your partner being with someone else or moving on without you run through your mind. That is no longer at this current time your path and you cannot let that define you !!!

Dig real deep and let yourself pick yourself up. That will to fight through anything is there you just have to believe it. You can choose to let something like this be the end of you or you can choose to let something like this define and inspire you.

 

Remember they lost you, you didn't lose them.

 

Everything will be ok i promise

[ponchsox]

I put this on the other thread but wanted to put it here too.

 

Message me so I can give you my number. I don't know how to do that yet and have to head out to a job for just a couple hours.

 

I have the entire afternoon off and no plans tonight so we can talk as long as you need.

 

I really have to run now but we'll figure something out.

 

Hang in there!!!

((hugs!!))

 

Wow, that's a true friend right there! So many good people on this forum. Or ex's don't deserve people like us.

[LadyM]

Sorry to hear you're hurting so badly BYCS. Going through it all with you...and I know what it's like to constantly speculate about the ex moving on and meeting other people.

 

How do you let that go?

 

Well...I understand the desire to "do something" to "quickly fix" such thoughts and feelings ASAP. However, I don't think there's a quick fix. The modern way of thinking about unpleasant thoughts and feelings (ones like you're having right now) is to sort of "medicalize" them.

 

What I mean by that is that we've started viewing our unwanted thoughts and feelings as something akin to diseases that we "want gone" and we therefore "look for the appropriate treatment" to rid ourselves of them. This is the reason the self-help section is the biggest growing section in most book stores...people are itching for the secret ingredient to eradicating negative thought and emotion and acquiring positive ones.

 

Sadly, I don't think it works like that. But I think we (a) WISH that it did, and (b) live in a society that has convinced us that psychological difficulties can be viewed the same way as physical ailments (diagnose, treat, cure).

 

What you're asking is whether or not there's a short cut to get around the powerful feelings of jealousy, love, regret, and loss that you're feeling in relation to your ex.

 

People might try to convince you that there is such a short cut...but I'd say it's BS...there isn't one. There isn't a shred of evidence that any sort of quick fix can shorten the natural course of events following a breakup...and anything that "works" works because it simply helps you to cope while good old "time" does its thing.

 

What does time do? Well, it slowly, slowly causes you to forget what you're missing and slowly, slowly provides you with evidence that you can and do survive without the thing you're missing. This will be your most helpful tool in your road to recovery and mother nature has already built it into you and the laws of the universe.

 

Yeah...I see a therapist. She helps because she makes me feel like somebody gives a shlt about me life and my existence. She helps me to process my feelings. She helps me to cope. The relationship with her is a sort of scaffolding holding me up while I'm going through this.

 

FANTASTIC post.

 

Wise words we should all take heed to.

 

Thanks, Sambo.

[Mariposa10]

Whenever I felt like this I would FORCE myself to get together with one of my closest friends and go for a walk, grab some lunch or coffee.

 

I remember one time I was feeling so bad I kept crying while I was on my way to meet my friend, it was so last minute and she was able to meet me. I didn't tell her how I felt because I wanted to forget how bad I was feeling for a couple of hrs. She doesn't know this, but she's helped me so much by just being there whenever I've needed to get out of my house with my face all covered in tears.

 

All of this, will be over. I promise you that.

 

Another thing I don't know how long you two have been broken up, but if it's been recently cry and scream all you want, don't try to hold it inside. Just let it out.

[ponchsox]

I don't know what your religious beliefs are but I met with my pastor and he gave me the biblical guidance I needed to move forward. He's also my age and I trust him enough to share any details with him without feeling ashamed or embarrassed.

[me85]

Thanks

And very happy to see you have had a better couple of weeks!

 

 

What are you going to do (ex wants you back?)

 

 

 

You're welcome. Thank you so much Lost.

 

 

I honestly do not know. I'm thinking. & praying. A LOT.

 

 

He bought the ring and wants to marry me. ??? (not right away of course-crazy)

 

 

I've never been cheated on or put in this situation so I'm extremely confused and cautious.

 

 

I was getting over him and feeling GREAT. Really great for 2 weeks. I mean, really happy and excited about my future and my freedom.

 

 

Now, the tables have turned. He says he knows I'm the one and he wants us to start over and he really is attempts and trying (so far) to prove himself to me and earn my trust back. I don't know though. Now I'm the one who is confused and don't know what I want. I've been through so much with this guy... I refuse to be hurt by him again.

 

 

I'm digging down deep in my heart for the answer.

[Simon Phoenix]

You're welcome. Thank you so much Lost.

 

 

I honestly do not know. I'm thinking. & praying. A LOT.

 

 

He bought the ring and wants to marry me. ??? (not right away of course-crazy)

 

 

I've never been cheated on or put in this situation so I'm extremely confused and cautious.

 

 

I was getting over him and feeling GREAT. Really great for 2 weeks. I mean, really happy and excited about my future and my freedom.

 

 

Now, the tables have turned. He says he knows I'm the one and he wants us to start over and he really is attempts and trying (so far) to prove himself to me and earn my trust back. I don't know though. Now I'm the one who is confused and don't know what I want. I've been through so much with this guy... I refuse to be hurt by him again.

 

 

I'm digging down deep in my heart for the answer.

 

I know what you are going to do, and what you are going to do probably is going to cause you a lot more pain than you've gone through right now, so best of luck.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Looking back at my relationship, this a reoccurring question that I can't find the answer too...Why did I stay?

 

Attraction? Sex?

 

That's all I can think of. Is that enough to carry the weight of relationship? Nope. Not at all. So why did I stay?

 

Codependency? Fear? Addiction? Loneliness?

 

What is it? Why is it so hard to let go of? Why does it hurt to leave when your needs weren't met?

 

 

 

What in the world... ???

 

 

YOU STAYED because you recognized and valued your own investment IN him.

 

It doesn't matter if he was the Green River Killer (who, to no grand surprise, had a wife who didn't have a clue about it)...

 

As with anybody, she at the end had to recognize: this guy is simply the lowest of the low - he clearly killed 80+ women, and I'm married to him.

 

HOWEVER, and entirely separate from that... this was a person in whom this woman had invested a good deal of herself!!!!... and while she doesn't need help from any of us to ascertain that her husband is a horrible person... it is still very 'fair' that sheeeeeeeee behaved like a well-versed human soul in making things important because they were important to (any partner she'd have been with).

 

So, at the end, she still had all of these 'important' new things, into which she was invested, and the only way she saw to salvage any of it was to stay (in the relationship).

 

At that last stage, nobody wants to admit that their investments lost 80% of their value, and then do the logical thing in taking that 20% of very good emotional investment capital and investing in a healthy/thriving relationship which could pay-off wonderfully. (cuz that, at the time, feels like admitting defeat)

[BC1980]

What in the world... ???

 

 

YOU STAYED because you recognized and valued your own investment IN him.

 

It doesn't matter if he was the Green River Killer (who, to no grand surprise, had a wife who didn't have a clue about it)...

 

As with anybody, she at the end had to recognize: this guy is simply the lowest of the low - he clearly killed 80+ women, and I'm married to him.

 

HOWEVER, and entirely separate from that... this was a person in whom this woman had invested a good deal of herself!!!!... and while she doesn't need help from any of us to ascertain that her husband is a horrible person... it is still very 'fair' that sheeeeeeeee behaved like a well-versed human soul in making things important because they were important to (any partner she'd have been with).

 

So, at the end, she still had all of these 'important' new things, into which she was invested, and the only way she saw to salvage any of it was to stay (in the relationship).

 

At that last stage, nobody wants to admit that their investments lost 80% of their value, and then do the logical thing in taking that 20% of very good emotional investment capital and investing in a healthy/thriving relationship which could pay-off wonderfully. (cuz that, at the time, feels like admitting defeat)

 

You keep thinking you have to stay in it to justify the investment. Even when it's over, you are a party of one, still in the relationship, because you'll be damned if you are going to nullify the investment. I finally jumped ship with what I had left, and it was about time.

[ponchsox]

I stayed because a breakup was inevitable and I wanted to delay the pain as much as possible.

[William]

I can't PM on here yet, but my email is on the other thread. Thanks LC :-)

A member reported a threadjack here so we'll get that processed but I wanted to address this issue. Publishing personally identifiable information like phone numbers and/or e-mails is a violation of our guidelines and is grounds for suspension. Access to the PM system comes with time spent here contributing or by subscribing (paying). Keep personal interactions off the public forum, as it is anonymous. Thanks!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

You keep thinking you have to stay in it to justify the investment. Even when it's over, you are a party of one, still in the relationship, because you'll be damned if you are going to nullify the investment. I finally jumped ship with what I had left, and it was about time.

 

 

 

Well, sorta that...

 

 

You're not justifying the investment made prior to this point... by staying... you are (typically, by now) recognizing that the oooooooonly way I'm gonna salvage this investment (I.E. 'break even') is to stay with/in it and (pray a lot).

 

(which is more logical, in the stock market, than it is in romance/emotional-investing... given that the stock market investor who bought at $100, and sold at $20 really did lose $80 per. The emotional investor is far less concerned with the real value OF his emotional investment (who cares if it could buy a loaf of bread, or a Maserati?)... as what matters most in emotional investing is starting at (any) point, and building-on what you have!!)

 

So, an emotional loss of 80% followed eventually by a 20% buy-in, and soon after by a thriving move to 28%, then 46%, and then 71%... feels a heck of a lot better than did a financial investor who just observed a 29% loss on his big picture investment.

 

 

Ultimately, most of our true satisfaction is produced deep within... and the best outcomes in life are more a function of optimism, progress and applying ourselves than they are of test scores and bank accounts.

 

In the same way that you save more money and spend more wisely once impacted by the building/snowballing of your investments, you tend to be on your best social behavior when you are most content with those emotional investments you've made.

[me85]

I know what you are going to do, and what you are going to do probably is going to cause you a lot more pain than you've gone through right now, so best of luck.

 

 

Oh you do??

[me85]

Then tell him to sod off.

Originally Posted by Simon Phoenix

I know what you are going to do, and what you are going to do probably is going to cause you a lot more pain than you've gone through right now, so best of luck.

 

 

 

Easier said than done we have a lot of history over the 3 years we've been together.

 

& to Mr. Phoenix...I'm not in pain right now. I still feel anger and I'm dealing with that the best way I can but no matter what people on here think or how I may be judged by others...I am in a much better place mentally, physically & emotionally...and ultimately this is MY decision to make.

 

I'm stronger than ever before...more confident and proud of myself because I didn't go ***** balls bananas and made it through the hurt and came out a better person. The blinders are off and I am being extremely smart about the situation.

 

Despite what some may think I have made so much progress in such a short amount of time. Just days after I found out about my ex's dirt, I was recruited for a MUCH BETTER job and I am moving into a MUCH BIGGER/NICER apartment very soon. & I've met new people and am going out and having a good time. Laughing and smiling more.

 

It has been hard but I'm finally where I deserve to be...happy... regardless of whether or not my ex and I work out.

 

I have so much going for me, I am NOT at all worried about my happiness right now.

Edited December 11, 2013 by me85

[Just smile]

I stayed because of the love I thought I had for him. The familiarity of him. Vulnerability and afraid of being alone at 45. I grew a sense of attachment to him. And every single time he came back and he came back EVERY time! I took him because of the overwhelming sadness I had to be in his arms again.

 

 

This time, I sense finality. It hurts I'm sure I can't go through with this again. And somehow his silence is a gift I guess, I think maybe this time he loves me enough to set me free for good