Will She Come Back Later? (yes this is long)

[Mr. Moving On]

Ok ya'll here is the situation. My girlfriend (37 y.o.) and I (31 y.o.) dated for 5 months. We started dating about a month after my mother passed away. Other than my kids that was all the family I had and the people I actually call my friends either live out of state or have passed away too; other than my buddy I call my brother. Around the 4th month she started getting stressed out about her oldest kid. We had never had any fights and neither of us raised our voices at any time (the loudest we ever got was talking between rooms) {unhealthy, I know}.

 

She eventually brought up the idea of marriage after a few months and I told her that I would love to marry her but needed time to get life a little more situated since the time since my mother had passed away I had finally started to heal from that. She told me she didnt wanna go the next day or nothing so that was okay with her. She just wanted to know how I would react I guess. Every night after work I would go to her house around 7pm to spend time with her and the kids. On the weekends I would spend majority of one of the days with them.

 

Well her oldest has a few mental health issues and started complaining about me making jokes about everything all the time. She told me that and I cutback the amount of joking. A week later we went to an amusement park for the day. We had a great time and that night his meds had started wearing off so while we were picking on each other (he picks on everyone but hates to have someone dish it back) he took it too seriously. My gf come to me and we talked it through. Normally, if I would try to talk to her about something, she would just shutdown & shutoff so I knew she had to be serious and because I loved her kids I wanted to do everything I could to personally work things out with him but she didnt want me to do that since she felt like he wouldnt trust her anymore. I agreed and the next night I went over, as usual, and he instantly asked if I would play with him to which I agreed. The same thing happened the next night.

 

Well the next day I went to see her on her break. I noticed she was just off mentally. I asked her what was wrong and she just ignored me. I could tell by her facial expression something was up so I told her I could tell something was bothering her. Finally it came out she was thinking we might need to break up. Since this was my mother's birthday I took it especially hard. So I became desperate acting. I got the cold shoulder. So I left her alone for 2 days and tried calling to talk to her.

 

She kept it very short but she agreed to meet me for 10 minutes in town (since it was the weekend her kids were with their dad I knew she was trying to stay busy with friends. We actually live right down the street from one another. Anytime she goes anywhere she HAS to pass my house; so unless I am going to BFE I dont have to pass hers for any reason, thank goodness). The day before was the first time, since we started seeing each other, we hadn't seen each other for even just a few minutes, so it was great to see her. Later that night she called saying she wanted to come over. I agreed because I knew she would want to talk and so did I. She came by and stayed until 3am before going home. The next morning she came by until it was time to go get her kids. During the visits there were a lot of things that came to light that bothered her, that she had never mentioned before, and I agreed to change the things I could change (my place of employment because of federal charges brought against the owner being one). She said she had issues with my own personal past (criminal) but since I cant change that, I assured her my past was indeed in my past and that she should know that by now. We also agreed that I wouldn't come over while the kids were up everyday but at least 3 times a week since they always had fun when I was there. She said she didnt want to cut me out of their lives.

 

Over the next month I was only around her kids 2 times but was able to apologize to her oldest for the joking around. I went over and seen her every night after the kids went to bed, still. During that month her kids were with their dad every weekend because of the way their schedule worked (as well as the fact that we had scheduled with him a month prior to take them one night). The weekend after our near breakup we had tickets to an event. Plus their dad was taking them out of state 2 weeks later and since he didnt want to lose the private time with his own girlfriend, when her kid was gone, he kept his regular schedule too. So we spent our weekends together but I could tell she just wasnt into things like the month before.

 

The last weekend of the month me and my brother went to an event. She had all day alone to herself after she left my house that morning. I told my brother things were off with her and that I felt like she wasnt giving me the chance she said she would so I was thinking of breaking things off for the time being until I could straighten some of it out. After I dropped him off I went to see her and she was just so happy to see me. I thought maybe I was overreacting to the convo from earlier and enjoyed my time with her.

 

The next day I lost my job. I didnt tell her immediately because I wasnt going to text her at her own job so I thought I would save it for that night. Well her oldest had gone on a new med and had a total meltdown that afternoon so I didnt tell her that night since I knew it would be unnecessary stress. The next day she came over before she had to go to work and that was when I told her. She literally leaned back. I told her I had already filled out over 25 applications since I was let go from the job. She was heavily concerned about my felony affecting my hiring chances. I told her that was indeed a concern to have but companies still hire felons for tax purposes. She also began saying what if her family found out I was a felon and about my past. I reassured her that they wouldnt.

 

Later that night we were watching tv at her house. She raised her voice because I had looked at her to say something about the show and she happened to wake up. I was shocked. I left so she could go to bed. The next day I met her on her break, as usual, while I was out putting in applications at small businesses. Things were normal. The next 2 days she had off and with them being the end of the week I knew looking for work would be fruitless so I spent them with her.

 

During those 2 days she started BS debates over ideological things. I stayed calm the whole time. She didnt and on that Friday she decided she would push my buttons by telling me that I didnt love her kids. She claimed I liked her youngest but only tolerated her oldest because of her. She didnt want to hear the facts of how I played with both, helped both with chores, homework, or even bought them small gifts, etc. Yet, she acted fine even though I could tell she wasnt satisfied.

 

That night her oldest had a friend sleep over. So we decided to just talk on the phone. Things were normal except I could tell they were getting on her nerves. Her youngest had gone to her grandma's house for the night. The next night the youngest would have a friend over and her oldest would go to the grandma's.

 

The next morning I seen my kids and on my way to pick them up my gf and me talked on the phone. She told me to call her after my visit and I did. Unfortunately my kids were hurtful to me so I needed some support. When I called she acted as if it was no big deal. Well I went about my day and she did hers. Later that night after the kids were supposed to be sleep I asked if I could slip by to sneak a kiss, smoke a cigarette, and then leave. She got pissy and told me she didnt feel like smoking. I was like okay then and finished our convo. That night I started looking at the signs and thought me and her really needed to talk about things but I was afraid she would shutdown & shutoff but I figured we could talk things out the next day sometime.

 

I texted her when I woke up as I usually did. Everything was fine. When I tried calling her mid-afternoon her phone was off. I thought, "ok well she'll call me when she is ready". I didnt hear anything out of her that night. The next morning I got woke up by a phone call about a job interview. I instantly called her but she rejected the call. At that point I hadnt seen her in 3 days, talked to her in 2, or heard from her in 1. I was pissed but still excited so I started drinking and before I knew it I was waking up from being passed out (I rarely drink so it didnt take much). I seen she had sent me a message on facebook. I looked at it and we had, had an entire conversation I didnt remember. The whole convo I had said what I felt but said it (without cussing her or calling her names) in a standoffish way. I called her to apologize. I had to leave a voicemail. A few minutes later she sent a text saying to leave her alone that she wanted to be by herself. I ignored that and a few hours later sent a message on facebook. She read it but didnt reply. The next night I sent another message saying to call me so we could be peaceful. She said she was going to bed but would call the next day. I was satisfied with that.

 

I didnt expect her to call until that night so about noon I got a long breakup text. I sent one back and told her that the way she is handling it was childish & immature. Well the rest of the week passed and after 5 days of NC I decided to text her to let her know I was dropping her key in her mailbox. A few hours later she replied politely saying TY and that she would do the same with mine. I told her I would like the rest of my things too and she agreed to leave everything in the carport. I told her I was saddened that this was how she broke up with me but I still loved her and wished her the best. She replied, "same here". It pissed me off so I told her she shouldnt of said anything because she couldnt say it.

 

The next morning I woke up and wrote a letter to drop off in her door. I basically said I seen the relationship deteriorating for the past several months because she quit putting forth the same little efforts & gestures along with her lack of communication while I still treated her the same the last week of it as I did when we started dating. I did call her a gold digger as well as childish & immature. I went to get my stuff and only half of it was out there and even my key wasnt. I texted her about it and she acted like I was lying so for the first time I got pissy and direct with her. Finally she told me her dad had gone by and seen the stuff and took it in but left the other half out but she would bring my things later that afternoon. When she did I stopped myself from going out the door since her kids were with her because I knew I would yell and hug her at the same time. I could tell she was pissed so I assumed she had read the letter by then.

 

The next day an old female friend seen me for the first time in years. She asked if she could call me so I gave her my number but explained I was dealing with a recent breakup so I might need a few days. When she did call we caught up on the past 10 years. She told me about her marriage ending and her kid. Since we had been such good friends in the past I instantly told her about the criminal charges and everything. She didnt seem to be bothered since most of our friends had some sort of conviction growing up.

 

After a few days of writing that letter I started getting ate up with guilt from calling her a gold digger since that was the first time since I was a teenager I called someone a name I didnt mean. I sent a message to her on facebook, not apologizing, just to say I shouldnt have said it because I know she aint one. When she replied I asked if she would call me and she agreed. At this point it was 2 weeks since the breakup.

 

I explained that I shouldnt have done that. She then read the letter she had wrote. At this point she had her version of the breakup and I had mine. By the time the convo ended it was 80% my version/20% hers. She never acknowledged why she wanted to breakup only that she had things she has to sort out in her life as well as mine. She isnt a liar but she wont tell everything either. So when she said she hadnt slept with anyone I believed her but she never confirmed or denied that she was talking to someone. I was okay with that since I understand people do that. I tried to end the convo many times but she found reasons to keep it going. Eventually she asked if I ever needed her if I would call and I told her no but if she needed me my door was always open because I wasnt the one who left the relationship. She then went on to say that she believes fate works both good and bad ways and that maybe one day in the future we would cross paths. I shut that down telling her that we had our opportunity and I was moving on with my life. I took it as a BS line of making things better but I also had to do it so I wouldnt sit around with some sort of false hope of her returning. However, I did make it clear that if she wanted to return I would be receptive to the idea but I was moving on with my life. So after nearly 4 hours I told her I was going to bed and that I would always love her. For nearly 5 more minutes she procrastinated before saying she loved me too and hanging up.

 

A couple of days after, the female friend came over because her ex-husband had hacked some of her accounts and she wanted help setting up new ones but she also had some food for me too. After an hour she left for work. She called that night and we talked for about an hour. The next day was Thanksgiving and since my family never celebrated it it was just another day to me. Well my friend said she would call to check on me but she didnt until Saturday.

 

When she did finally call she professed how she was scared she would fall in love with me and that she actually had the same issues with my past affecting her life just like my ex did in October. I was blown away at this so I told her that I understood and I was sorry we couldnt be friends. Late that night she called trying to explain how she knew she would fall in love with me but she has to worry about her own life blah, blah, blah and how my past could affect it. I told her not to worry about it, that I wasnt mad but thought it was messed up we couldnt be friends because of it, but if she thought she would have feelings for me then I couldnt deal with it properly at the time.

 

The next evening my friend called back apologizing for how unfair she had been to me and she didnt want to be like my ex. I told her she made her decision and it was okay. She then tells me she had sent my ex an email earlier in the week asking why she left me and that she even bought a background check of me online. I was appalled so like an idiot I called my ex immediately to ask her if this was true. I was angry and so I was glad I got voicemail. I know I sounded angry on it asking if she had received that email and for her just to confirm or deny in any method. About an hour after the call my friend sent the email she sent my ex. I couldnt believe what I read and in it she even told my ex that she had gone thru my phone when I wasnt looking to get her contact info. I told the girl not to ever contact me or my ex again because she was crazy.

 

After 2 hours I sent my ex a message on facebook apologizing for her privacy being violated and that I was bothered that she didnt tell me the girl sent the email but I guess I could understand why she wouldnt say something. I just know if someone sent me an email or called me about my ex I would alert the ex instantly but that is just me. The next morning my ex replied saying she didnt respond to the email. I replied saying I didnt care if she replied or not but I was pissed about our privacy being violated not to mention I was pissed that someone besides me would prevent her from coming back in the future. I had no intention of anything with that girl other than friendship and that I couldnt trust people anymore so I had to delete her (my ex) contact info to prevent something like that happening in the future and in the meantime I was going to study for my college placement tests and that would be the last time I would contact her. I even wrote "Bye" at the end. I dont tell people bye. That was a few days ago. I am back to NC for 4 days now. I wish I had been able to be at 12 days now but what do you do when you find out someone went crazy on you?! Oh well.

 

Since the near breakup in October I started exercising and looking for a job. Since the actual breakup at the beginning of November I have continued looking for a job and exercising, quit drinking caffeine, quit smoking cigarettes, lost nearly 30 pounds, got accepted into college, wrote/edited nearly 20 chapters of a book, wrote several articles for a political website, watched online vids on algebra, took almost 30 algebra tests online to prep, reorganized my house, and read every online forum possible about breakups.

 

I now realize that it is possible my ex left since I dont have any credit, savings, income, no stability whatsoever whether it is emotional (still grieving from mother), financial, and at the time future stability. Honestly, I doubt I will ever know the true reason. She completely disrespected me as a person by the way she handled the breakup even though when we DID talk she said she felt if she seen me or talked to me she would cave to her feelings (I think that was just BS but whatever it takes for her to sleep better at night)

 

However, I am just continuing to work on me physically, emotionally, and mentally. If my ex ever comes back we will have things to discuss before I would ever consider thinking about the possibility of working things out. The things I do wonder is: why did she not reply to the email? Why anyone thinks she will try to contact me or because she has to see my house everyday if it is a reminder to her of why she left in the first place? (I am paid up on my rent for another 8 months so I am here that long at least). Everyday that passes it gets that little bit easier because I heal plus when I see her drive by it is no different than when any other car at this point even though I do think of her and wonder how her and the kids are doing. I dont hate her because if I was her I might step back too but handled it better. Any and all opinions are welcome.

 

Oh and yes I know the relationship was doomed by my constant availability, emotional duress, and my desperate actions during the near breakup in October and the actual breakup but keep in mind I was considering leaving the relationship too.

Edited December 7, 2013 by Mr. Moving On

[Mr. Moving On]

I thought I would update my progress for anyone that it may help. It has been 88 days NC between me and my ex. I have since began school and am averaging a 4.0, have a new gf who does everything that I could ever want, had a threesome with my gf and her best friend, and am out of the crippling days where my ex-gf consumed my every thought.

 

There are still days where I miss my ex but truthfully I miss her kids more than anything. She was not right for me but I still loved her and I probably always will because if it wasn't for her I doubt I would be working so hard to build my life again. It took for her to leave me for me to want to be a better man so this is a blessing in disguise.

 

I hope anyone that is reading this and has suffered a heartbreak knows that it seems impossible to get passed it all but it DOES HAPPEN! Time will definitely help but finding something to occupy your mind will help most of all. Don't give up and keep moving forward even if it is just an inch at a time.

[d0cholliday]

I thought I would update my progress for anyone that it may help. It has been 88 days NC between me and my ex. I have since began school and am averaging a 4.0, have a new gf who does everything that I could ever want, had a threesome with my gf and her best friend, and am out of the crippling days where my ex-gf consumed my every thought.

 

There are still days where I miss my ex but truthfully I miss her kids more than anything. She was not right for me but I still loved her and I probably always will because if it wasn't for her I doubt I would be working so hard to build my life again. It took for her to leave me for me to want to be a better man so this is a blessing in disguise.

 

I hope anyone that is reading this and has suffered a heartbreak knows that it seems impossible to get passed it all but it DOES HAPPEN! Time will definitely help but finding something to occupy your mind will help most of all. Don't give up and keep moving forward even if it is just an inch at a time.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. I agree time will help, and keeping yourself busy helps a lot.

 

It took for her to leave me for me to want to be a better man so this is a blessing in disguise.

 

I completly understand this point of view.

 

I'm happy things are working out for you.

 

Good luck.

[gothicrose]

Your original post was really long, I did area the majority of it but skipped over some parts.

 

I don't think it as the best idea to keep calling her childish, blame her for the breakup...she had her reasons for doing so and maybe she was slowly detaching herself over the last few weeks to make it easier for herself, or for you. Or even the kids.

I'm a mum, and I would be really annoyed if someone asked to pop over for a kiss and then leave when the kids had gone to bed,.,just a strange thing to say IMO.

 

I also think that instead of texting her to let her know you'd posted her key, you could've just posted it and let her find it herself.

 

But those are mistakes everyone makes I guess, and I've done a lot worse.

 

So to your questions. She might come back, but it might be an ego boost thing and not because she's realised she loves you.

 

Having to pass your house....well I don't think that'll make any difference. My ex works right by my house so has to drive past every morning and evening, and he still hates me because of how I treated him (stalking, begging, the works).

 

If youre moving on, I'd say stay there and don't look back.

 

If I'd followed advice on here, I'd be ten months nc by now and who knows if things could have worked out; instead I'm on less than a week and my ex has just told me to give him space for 3-4 weeks and he will come and see me, but now I want to get to the point where in those 3-4 weeks, I don't even want to contact him so I can keep moving on and let him do the same.