4 months and horrified at moving on

[brokenhearted1971]

2nd marriage. Wife and I have been together for a little over 10 years. Married 5 years in May. I've been selfish...she's a giver, and i'm generally a taker. I have a big heart and so does she. I cooked just about everyday since I get home from work sooner than she does. We have a 3 year old son. Since his birth everything was great!!! He is a blessing, but my wife hasn't been the same, weight issues, (post-pardon) i believe. Stress at work. She makes more than me, and money tends to be a lot of the issues. The little things that bothered her kept festering and eventually boiled over. She asked me for space, and i left, and the end of July. It's been months, we've been to therapy, and a few sessions she's done. She still wants to go alone, (appt. on 12/10), and I have had a session alone 2 weeks ago. She said does love me, but not IN-LOVE with me. I made positive changes in my life, and continue. It's a life-long journey. The only thing I ever wanted was a family, and now its all shattered. How can I have her see the grass isn't always greener on the other side? How can I show her I've changed if she won't let me back in her heart? Her friends are giving her bad advice (i believe), and undermining our relationship.

HELP!!!!!!

Edited December 6, 2013 by brokenhearted1971

[Eggplant]

You list some run-of-the-mill reasons, but I still really don't understand why she wants to divorce.

[Split open]

Sounds like we are in a similar boat.Here is a cross post from another thread. I have been surfing these forums...and the story plays out like a script.

 

My wife left me behind October 25th. So a month and a half ago. She actually forced me out of our home through abusive manipulation. I should have dug in my heels and insisted we go to counseling. But the way I saw it, was either she was gunna file for divorce if I didn't agree with the separation.

 

Last weekend I found out from my 4 year old daughter about the OM in her life. I confronted her about it and she admitted that she's been seeing someone since I left. In her eyes "I walked out." It's total bull****. I know she had feelings for this guy and pushed me out so she could be free to see him in our home.

 

Now we are moving into mediation cause she is way done. She has all the money so I am basically hoping for a handout and half custody at this point.

 

She blames me for everything. Yet she still says she loves me and misses me , but sees a future with this new guy. She says she hasn't been happy for a long time and doesn't think she will ever be with me. She's lost in the fantasy...

 

I have been cycling hard through the grief stages. Trying to move toward acceptance, but fall into denial, anger...depression frequently. I can't sleep well since finding out about OM.

 

This is the worst experience of my life, exacerbated by seeing my poor daughters 3+4 suffer through the loss of losing their daddy from their home.

 

Her parents know about the OM and are giving me sympathy, I am hoping they will help me financially...

 

I dunno if she will ever want me back. I like to hope so, but maybe someday I'll find something better for myself. Right now I am working on going No Contact with her unless it's for the kids. Which she contacts me a lot about something or other...

 

Here is an email she sent me in response to a letter I wrote dissaproving of her new boyfriend.

 

I know that you are in a tough place. Nothing that I say will be able to help you see the truth, and I simply have to accept that. I am not leaving you for someone else. I spent much of the summer being certain that our marriage was done and there was no way forward with you and that I was fully prepared to be on my own. I planned to live on my own for a long time and was comfortable with that space and the need for that to happen for myself. You spent that time running away from me and our family. We are and have been at different places in this for a long time as you have been satisfied with the way you were living your life, while I have been in a lot of pain and hurting from your choices which were always about you, not our family. I want to send lists of all the ways you've hurt me, but I know there is no point in that. You will have your beliefs and I will have mine about what happened. I will not waste anymore time and energy trying to get you to see the truth, there's no point. It will be easier for you to blame me or others.

 

We are simply going to disagree and see different realities. That's ok.

 

She can't take any accountability for her role in the destruction of the marriage. She blames me to ease the guilt she feels, and justify her new man. She's stuck in the fantasy right now. There's nothing for me to do but let it play out. Hurts so much.

[Floridapad2]

Have you really changed? How? You seem to focus more on how the grass is not greener (other people) rather than how you have truly grown. You say you are a taker but have a big heart. Aren't the two phrases contrary? She will not believe any of your words. Only actions.

[brokenhearted1971]

i don't either. I don't understand why she wants a divorce. She says i can't change, but I have. I have been less selfish, I put my family first now more than ever. I've read the 4 agreements twice in 2 days. I t's a life-long process, but now I catch myself, agreeing with myself with I get caught in the eft ups. I try not to lose my cool, and continue to strive to be a better person. Only time will tell if we can get on the path same path.

[brokenhearted1971]

Live your life the way your supposed to. Live for your kids and she'll she that. Live to show you're the better man. She'll want to come back, either not today then tomorrow.

[Jdl310]

It sounds like very painful and trying time. If I were you I'd go to therapy weekly to deal with this, outside of family/ marriage counseling. You may also want to look in to what you may be able to do regarding your financial situation. If she is frustrated that you are not contributing enough income would you be willing to do something about that like get a second job? I ask only because sometimes actions speak louder than words. This may be a way to show her that you are willing to sacrifice for her and for the health of the marriage. It's a good sign that she is in therapy and not filing for divorce. You still have a chance.

[Going4it]

It takes a long time for people to notice that you've changed. People often go to their default mode of thinking about others. If you have been a taker for many years, she is going to notice the things that confirm that perception of you more than she will notice you putting your family first now. Lasting changes take a long time. If you want a chance to keep your family together you are going to have to be patient. You can't force someone to be in love with you. I know it's hard. Just keep working on trying to improve yourself. That's really all you can do.

[brokenhearted1971]

I know...I got a photo gig that pays me in a day what I make in a week. I've really tried these last months to be more of a giver, she said she's proud of in therapy, and all, but she's still not into me coming home. Today she posted a pic of our son decorating the xmas tree....hurt to see that I wasn't there to participate. I can only hope that this is the last and only time it doesn't happen. I'm losing so many memories not being there at home. I need to be patient about this, and hope and pray she see's that we can work this out.