Dating and Loneliness

[debshere]

So, I'm wondering where people here manage to meet other people other than OLD. I work 2 jobs so meeting guys is very hard and I find I'm so lonely. I approached a guy to be FWB but he seems to be playing with me and I keep approaching him because I am lonely. When I talk to him I try to make it sound like I have a very fulfilling life and I'm just looking for fun - which I am - I don't really want a relationship but I miss being physically with a man - it has been 3 years. So my question is how do people out here meet other people other than OLD and how do you deal with the loneliness when you don't.

[ToThinkIs]

I feel you. I have a life with a career track more demanding than most people on my time....it leaves little for dating. Ive often use online dating to try to meet people because it seems impossible sometimes otherwise. I feel like many people meet dates through work maybe, which was never an option for me (or wasnt when I was working, and my classmates arent really an option these days either). Others meet people through mutual friends...perhaps you could mention to close friends you are looking to meet new people for dating and see if they have ideas on someone to set you up with?

 

Other than that it's a bit up to chance I think. You have to put yourself out there. Meeting at bars is sort of lame....its a rare event to meet anyone of substance this way. Im not sure how old you are, but it gets harder as you get older this route as well.

 

The main avenues are: chance meetings (eg- someone just comes up to you when you're out and about....or vice versa you could always be ballsy and if you see a man you like outside somewhere offer him your phone number or something)....or bars, which as i said to me are poor options...or via work/school which can be tricky if its a small group....or finally just via friends, whether they make efforts to set you up, or you just go to friend's evenets and end up meeting people that way (i find this last option is the best).

 

Online dating is not a bad thing....it lets you peruse new people at your liesure and etc....ive done it a lot because of my lack of time, but it has its downsides for sure, and dating can seem like a full time job when youre constantly dissappointed by first dates/blind dates, like you're wasting valuable time, but it is what it is.

 

Ive wasted plenty time on men Ive dated who i should have given up on purely because of that lonely feeling so I know how you feel. I consider myself a successful, attractive, intelligent woman and it's still hard for me to date. Just because 100 men like you, doesnt men you'll like any of them back, right? Finding that right connection, even if for a FWB, is difficult. Chemistry is a difficult and inexact science.

 

Im not sure if that helped you at all but hope that it gave you a couple ideas....if you dont want online dating, try being more social or asking friends to invite you to mutual events where you can meet new people and/or see if they have anyone they want to set you up with. That's how i met my last boyfriend, through a random set-up by a friend, and we lasted two years.

 

good luck....its not easy, is it. But worth it, when it finally works out, i guess.

[debshere]

That is very helpful. I started setting up some OLD accounts yesterday but the matches were horrible. I would consider myself attractive, intelligent as well. I also live in a small town which doesn't help and I would never go to a bar alone to meet anyone. I work a night job and a day job and dating at my jobs are not an option at all - not even any likely options LOL. But in between all the work I am getting very very lonely.

[TB Rhine]

If you're reaching out for an FWB relationship, then in what sense is the guy "playing" you? Is he chillin' out watching the game with you on Sunday, then bailing before the sex can commence?

[deathandtaxes]

But in between all the work I am getting very very lonely.

 

 

So why try to fill that time with another person?

[d0nnivain]

You can meet new people anywhere: on your way to work, where you get your coffee, in the elevator, at the grocery store etc.

 

Some other methods include:

 

singles events they have them for all sorts of special interest groups: skiing, running, pet lovers, wine tasters, foodies, golfers etc.

 

speed dating

 

Meetup.com

 

industry networking events / chamber of commerce etc.

 

adult education classes

 

Church

 

through friends & family -- tell everybody you know you are open to being fixed up

 

alumni association events

volunteering

 

Being active in some of those things wards off lonliness because you aren't sitting home.

[debshere]

If you're reaching out for an FWB relationship, then in what sense is the guy "playing" you? Is he chillin' out watching the game with you on Sunday, then bailing before the sex can commence?

 

He keeps flirting and texting but never making a date to actually meet.

[debshere]

You can meet new people anywhere: on your way to work, where you get your coffee, in the elevator, at the grocery store etc.

 

Some other methods include:

 

singles events they have them for all sorts of special interest groups: skiing, running, pet lovers, wine tasters, foodies, golfers etc.

 

speed dating

 

Meetup.com

 

industry networking events / chamber of commerce etc.

 

adult education classes

 

Church

 

through friends & family -- tell everybody you know you are open to being fixed up

 

alumni association events

volunteering

 

Being active in some of those things wards off lonliness because you aren't sitting home.

My problem is that I work a night job, and a part time day job and I look after my dad who has cancer. This does not leave a lot of time for events, etc. Even though I work with a lot of men I don't want to mix office work with pleasure. I try to keep them both very separate.

[debshere]

So why try to fill that time with another person?

 

What should I fill in it with. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to have a physical relationship with a man. I have needs that sometimes my vibrator just is not fulfilling. Sometimes I want to feel the real thing.

[d0nnivain]

My problem is that I work a night job, and a part time day job and I look after my dad who has cancer. This does not leave a lot of time for events, etc. Even though I work with a lot of men I don't want to mix office work with pleasure. I try to keep them both very separate.

 

I'm sorry about your dad.

 

As gruesome as this sounds, have you looked around in the cafesteria of hospital or doctor's office where you take your dad for treatment?

[debshere]

I'm sorry about your dad.

 

As gruesome as this sounds, have you looked around in the cafesteria of hospital or doctor's office where you take your dad for treatment?

 

Thank you. No, I have not. I don't think people who are helping people through various stages of cancer would be reaching out to people in that setting. It is not a very pleasant atmosphere at all!!I know whenever I take my dad there I am so tense that I don't think anyone would approach me either :-)

[debshere]

Anyway, I think it's just a hopeless case until my situation changes. It took so much for me to actually approach this guy and he's just a douche I think. I just needed a release from all this stress - just one night with a man - I think sometimes humans really crave a physical touch from someone else. That's what I was after.

[oldshirt]

So, I'm wondering where people here manage to meet other people other than OLD. I work 2 jobs so meeting guys is very hard and I find I'm so lonely. I approached a guy to be FWB but he seems to be playing with me and I keep approaching him because I am lonely. When I talk to him I try to make it sound like I have a very fulfilling life and I'm just looking for fun - which I am - I don't really want a relationship but I miss being physically with a man - it has been 3 years. So my question is how do people out here meet other people other than OLD and how do you deal with the loneliness when you don't.

 

I met my wife at work 20 years ago when she was dissatisfied with her long term BF and was looking for a FWB.

 

True story!!!

[OptimistPrime]

To meet people you will have to be around them - get out and mingle. Go to places where lots of people are (doesn't have to be a bar or club); the grocery store is great. There are plenty of lonely people out and about that are doing the same thing - looking for a friend. Strike up small talk conversations with everyone . . . have a kind word for everyone and before long you'll see some of those same people again. When they smile or laugh you know you've made a positive impression . . . they may not remember what you said to them before but they will remember how you made them feel.

[Beast_117]

I've never been intimate with a woman or ever had a relationship..after awhile the loneliness just becomes part of who you are. It's not so bad after a few years.

[skela]

I've never been intimate with a woman or ever had a relationship..after awhile the loneliness just becomes part of who you are. It's not so bad after a few years.

 

That is really sad. I hope you do meet someone one day.

[Goomba]

I've never been intimate with a woman or ever had a relationship..after awhile the loneliness just becomes part of who you are. It's not so bad after a few years.

 

It's sort of true you don't miss what you haven't had. But once you do, you will never want to go back to how it was before.

[TintedChrome]

If you're feeling lonely in an emotional sense, an FWB isn't really what will help you. It will be fun for a while but not long term. If you're lonely for friendship and human contact, then social clubs and activity clubs are good things to pursue.

 

From my experience, I've had far better success meeting women and dating women I've met through my activity clubs and Meetup groups than from any activities specifically targeted for singles.

[jimloveslips]

I have needs that sometimes my vibrator just is not fulfilling

 

Just put that on your OLD profile, you'll get a million replies...

[TintedChrome]

Just put that on your OLD profile, you'll get a million replies...

 

Heh, yeah, probably, but that will get debs a pile of messages from dumb horny dudes, not a guy who'd be a good boyfriend.

[jimloveslips]

Heh, yeah, probably, but that will get debs a pile of messages from dumb horny dudes, not a guy who'd be a good boyfriend.

 

I quote her:

"I'm just looking for fun… I don't really want a relationship but I miss being physically with a man"

 

She didn't ask for a good boyfriend.

[NTRDR]

You really have to get out there and do what you love, there were good suggestions, hobby, church etc. It's easy to go out there and get distracted by settling for any old human contact... but it's not going to fill your void, it will be a temporary distraction. When he's done with you for the night, you'll go home, and the void will inch it's way back in.

 

You need to look inside yourself and search your soul, all we have are ourselves - be happy with yourself and you will emanate the joy and happiness. Then you won't have to worry about looking for joy, people will find and migrate towards you.

 

I really don't know what to tell you, I just smile at every woman I see, say hello, start by making a few comments, if they catch my interest start a conversation. That's pretty much it. Really doesn't matter where I'm at, I just smile, comment, talk. To everyone.

 

So just smile, even if you don't get the person's number, at least your smile will bring a smile to their day, how can you lose? Smile, you're beautiful... we all are

[Mrlonelyone]

Loneliness is a subjective emotional thing. Many people who are married with children feel lonely. Not that they are alone, but that some emotional need simply isn't being met by their spouse or children.

 

 

These pages are actually quite profound.

 

 

When Love Gets Lonely - Oprah.com

 

 

If you get over the disbelief and fear that being married is not the cure for being lonely and take in what it says, then you loose the idea that dating is all that important.

 

 

To be happy you have to find it within, then bring it out. That will attract a healthy mate.

 

 

I haven't been able to do this in my own life so I don't get a healthy relationship.

[Disillusioned]

The OP's hands are tied by living in a small town, but she should definitely try meetup dot com.

 

If she does the OLD thing, she'll just be stuck at home getting messages from tongue-lolling lechers who'll just want to have sex with her and throw her away like an empty beer can.

[salparadise]

I think you're mixing up a few things that need to be sorted out... first, loneliness and libido are not one in the same. If you find someone to give you a good hard thumping and he gets up and leaves, you'll still feel lonely, perhaps maybe even more so. Secondly, any attractive young woman can find a man for casual sex in less than fifteen minutes, but finding an appropriate relationship is somewhat more difficult. There is a good reason that women don't write their phone numbers on their car windows. Third, everyone needs to be included in some type of social group and have regular social interaction, but being deficit in that regard is not the same as our equally important need for physical or emotional intimacy.

 

My suggestion would be to do some reading on the basic human needs and focus on fulfilling the sociological aspects first, and take it slow on the physical/emotional intimacy and work on that with a mind toward truly fulfilling and sustainable.

 

I realize that there is a little bit of my own value system reflected in this advice, but I am not being judgmental. I've just been around long enough to have figured out a few things, and one of them is that random, casual sex is like scratching an itch... it may feel good momentarily, but it does not nourish the body or soul.

 

I think you should reconsider the notion of banging strangers as if that were a cure for what ails you and start investing in real, meaningful relationships as the foundation for a happy life.

Edited December 11, 2013 by salparadise