Broke up with her ...killing me

[lostsoul4286]

Good evening,

 

So after about three weeks of eerie behavior(going out for almost 4 months), and visiting her for thanksgiving, I broke up with my girl this Monday. I feel horrible, but I didn't know what else to do. I tried to constantly get her to talk, she doesn't do good with confrontation, so I always tried to ease into the topic, but either got shutdown, avoided, or just didn't want to talk. I went down there for Thanksgiving and I took care of her, cooked while she was at work, cleaned the apartment, out the blue she started getting belligerent regarding cleaning after myself, so when I defended myself (pointing out the clean room), she started name calling, I walked out on her to cool off, came back, and then she was the one that was mad. There were other instances prior to this as well. After we had a talk about that, everything seemed ok, but there was this feeling like she's distant, can't explain it any better. The relationship was great up until the second week of November, then it was a roller coaster of hot and cold moments that I didn't understand. When I broke up with her, she finally revealed that she shutdown this past month and pushed everyone away. She recently moved to Miami from NY and is missing her family, work is stressing her out, and has stress in her apartment. The day I broke up with her, she had a huge blow out with her roommates which basically I made everything worse. I didn't know this happened. I always tried to help her out and be there for her basically that's what I told her. When I told her why I broke up, that I needed her attention because this couldn't go on like this, I need her to compromise, once again she got mad(understandable). No matter how much I tried to get her to understand, she wasn't having it, continued to stab and insult, when I confronted her about why would she let me let her get that close if she was going to shut me out, she hung up the phone on me after asking her to not do it. I wrote a text saying I'm done, but I really felt horrible and then called her after giving it a day. She still doesn't want to compromise and basically at this point I feel I lost her completely. I really don't know what to do at this point. I didn't ask her back, I want to talk and all I want is for her not to shut me out. The sudden change in personality affected me deeply because its the first time I've been in a real relationship and been in love. Any advice?

Edited December 7, 2013 by lostsoul4286

[emi]

When a woman is in stress, she can turn into different person. I know because i've been through the same, its not like im defending her. I said thing i didnt meant, and i withdrawn from my social life.

Well, if u truly love her and wish to get back together, i suggest you write her a msg. Dont call, she wont pick up. Write her a msg and say what on your mind, whether you want to try again and go NC immediately. Give her space and time to calm herself, solve her problem, and when she is ready again or want to get back with you, she will come to you

You let the door open ( if u want to ) and the rest is up to her

Edited December 7, 2013 by emi

[justwhoiam]

I tried to constantly get her to talk

About what? Do you mean in general she doesn't feel like talking?

 

she doesn't do good with confrontation

So find a different way to get your message through.

 

I always tried to ease into the topic, but either got shutdown, avoided, or just didn't want to talk.

There surely is a communication problem. If you don't learn from her reactions though, you're as bad at communicating as she is.

 

out the blue she started getting belligerent regarding cleaning after myself

Does that mean that you were not cleaning after yourself?

 

she started name calling

How bad were the words? I don't think two people should come to that, especially at the beginning of a relationship. It's a bad sign.

 

I walked out on her to cool off, came back, and then she was the one that was mad.

Just because you cooled off, it doesn't mean she did too. She was left alone while being p off. It doesn't go away on its own. I noticed that for many guys it works. It seldom works with women.

 

I am not sure about the nature of the argument. What was the problem exactly?

 

After we had a talk about that, everything seemed ok, but there was this feeling like she's distant

This means she was hurt.

 

I need her to compromise

What do you mean by that? How should she compromise? About what?

 

Any advice?

Name calling & insults show some serious incompatibility. Could you see her as your partner long term? Your wife? The mother of your children? These signs early on in a relationship should be like a warning, like a red flag.

As I said, I don't know the subject of your arguments, if it's always the same, or it's different every time. If you keep pushing her buttons or what.

The fact is you broke up with her and I don't see how you can fix anything, unless you tell her you didn't mean it.

[lostsoul4286]

About what? Do you mean in general she doesn't feel like talking?

 

So find a different way to get your message through.

 

There surely is a communication problem. If you don't learn from her reactions though, you're as bad at communicating as she is.

 

Does that mean that you were not cleaning after yourself?

 

How bad were the words? I don't think two people should come to that, especially at the beginning of a relationship. It's a bad sign.

 

Just because you cooled off, it doesn't mean she did too. She was left alone while being p off. It doesn't go away on its own. I noticed that for many guys it works. It seldom works with women.

 

I am not sure about the nature of the argument. What was the problem exactly?

 

This means she was hurt.

 

What do you mean by that? How should she compromise? About what?

 

Name calling & insults show some serious incompatibility. Could you see her as your partner long term? Your wife? The mother of your children? These signs early on in a relationship should be like a warning, like a red flag.

As I said, I don't know the subject of your arguments, if it's always the same, or it's different every time. If you keep pushing her buttons or what.

The fact is you broke up with her and I don't see how you can fix anything, unless you tell her you didn't mean it.

 

I didn't see this side of her until she moved down there. Once I broke it off, she revealed that she had indeed shut down and pushed everyone away. Something she promised she would never do to me. She went from this affectionate person to asking me "even though I'm a bitch?" when I told her how special she was to me. Like I said it was random after that second week in November. Compromise as in at least letting me know what's going on. We're so far away, I can't read her and its hard to tell her motives behind some of her words or actions. If she needed space because of the stress, I could of given it to her. The change in her personality definitely affected me a lot and I tried to bring that up to her. She revealed at times when she was sad, but other times she sounded great, but still distant. The last argument she basically flat out said "you don't have to be a bitch about it" when I pointed out to her how I cleaned the whole apartment up in defense to her "picking up after yourself" comment. I tried all different angles to talk to her since she says she closes up when confrontation arises. The last night I was there is when I made one last attempt and asked her if she wanted to talk, she said no and just continued on watching her show. The decision I made was after I came back and I saw we were going back to the same cycle again that Monday. I didn't understand and I was tired of being confused and frustrated.

[justwhoiam]

Have 2 rules:

1) whenever you do something nice for her, don't rub it in her face, because that ruins whatever you've done and totally loses its value

2) whenever you need to talk, don't ask her if she would like to talk, be assertive, tell her you need to have a talk. Period.

 

I'm going to restate my last statement:

The fact is you broke up with her and I don't see how you can fix anything, unless you tell her you didn't mean it.

[lostsoul4286]

Hey there! My advice would be to make up your mind. Do you want this girl back? Are you willing to put up with her tantrums and periods of shutting others out? It won't be like that forever. She seems to be really having a hard time. Maybe this is the first time she has felt really out of control and she just turned into this ugly person. It really doesn't have anything to do with you, as you mentioned, so don't put more pressure on her. Give her space.

 

That ugly person is not who she is, and if you're willing to support her while she works it out, you guys could be happy again. Sometimes when a girl is going through a hard time, all she wants is for her boyfriend to hug her and be with her and not say anything, not do anything. Not ask her to talk constantly. Not to make her feel guilty for being in a bad place.

 

The fact is that you broke up with her. That adds a whole new layer of hurt to her already ****ty life. Just because she was being bitchy and going through a hard time, that doesn't mean she wasn't devastated with you breaking up with her. Basically you kicked her while she was down.

 

I would take the suggestion of one of the earlier posters and write her an email. Tell her if you really still love her and want to be with her, and explain that you broke up with her because you didn't know what else to do. I am telling you she will NOT take this well and you'll probably get some lip from her in return. Because... you broke up with her, and now you're turning around and saying you didn't really mean it. If that's your stance. I wouldn't expect her to take you back right away, but...

 

Give her some space. Let the break up stand. Don't ask to get back together. Let her figure out **** in her life, and get to be in a better place. Go no contact, and hopefully she'll call you when she comes out the other side and realizes how miserable it must have been for you to stick by her while she was feeling so bad. She is going to have to be the one to contact you and tell you she wants you back. Hopefully it will come with an apology.

 

Best of luck to you guys,

Caitlin

 

 

Thanks Caitlin, this has all been great advice. I wish I would of came here before breaking up with her. I'm a professional career wise, but a novice in emotions/relationships.

[soccerrprp]

Thanks Caitlin, this has all been great advice. I wish I would of came here before breaking up with her. I'm a professional career wise, but a novice in emotions/relationships.

 

Caitlin is solid. OP, you really need to come to grips with your own emotions and not panic when things go wrong. As a professional, you would have means, know how how to resolve certain issues, but that compares to intra- and inter-personal relationship dynamics and understanding. Men have a hard time just listening and being there. Men have this tendency to rush to know things and then try to fix them, but most of the time, our SOs want us to be there, be supportive, just listen.

 

She is pissed and dejected. You've shown when things get tough, you fold, you are not supportive. If you really care, you should let her know, again and again how sorry you are and that you are there for her.

[lostsoul4286]

Caitlin is solid. OP, you really need to come to grips with your own emotions and not panic when things go wrong. As a professional, you would have means, know how how to resolve certain issues, but that compares to intra- and inter-personal relationship dynamics and understanding. Men have a hard time just listening and being there. Men have this tendency to rush to know things and then try to fix them, but most of the time, our SOs want us to be there, be supportive, just listen.

 

She is pissed and dejected. You've shown when things get tough, you fold, you are not supportive. If you really care, you should let her know, again and again how sorry you are and that you are there for her.

 

 

I've tried that as well. Believe me, I approached this from different angles before deciding to break it off so I can get piece of mind. I want to be there during the hard times, not only the good. But she never gave me a chance, I honestly couldn't read her on why she had these hot and cold days when sometimes she'd be distant and belligerent, and other's she'd be loving and caring.

[justwhoiam]

lostsoul, the problem is not having hard times. It's not being cold or shut down either. Because that's just temporary and it will go away. And with time a person can open up more, developing trust.

 

The problem - as I expressed in my previous posts - is badmouthing, insulting the one you love with ease, that's a very bad trait to me. It shows lack of respect, hardly controllable anger, and whatnot.

 

If for any small quarrel, you have to expect being called this and that or constantly sent to f off, I think it's unacceptable. You need to demand respect or it can only get worse.

[John-Dough]

The problem - as I expressed in my previous posts - is badmouthing, insulting the one you love with ease, that's a very bad trait to me. It shows lack of respect, hardly controllable anger, and whatnot.

 

I missed those red flags and paid for it over the next 20 some years, still trying to figure out what to do. Proceed with caution. A little pain now is better than the alternative.

[soccerrprp]

sorry, missed the name calling stuff. that is never acceptable in my book. if my gf did that, I would be shocked and i would then immediately inform her that that form of response is not going to be tolerated.

 

any progress?

[lostsoul4286]

sorry, missed the name calling stuff. that is never acceptable in my book. if my gf did that, I would be shocked and i would then immediately inform her that that form of response is not going to be tolerated.

 

any progress?

 

Well I spoke to her last Thursday and asked her to give this a second chance and let me in, she her response was that I made her hit rock bottom when she needed my support (How was I suppose to know, between Sunday to Monday all this happened, aside from two texts that night and dead silence the next day, nothing came up) Only time i heard from her the next day was when she got my breakup e-mail. She continued on explaining that she's shut everyone out and that she's not letting anyone in, even me. After she admitted that she shut me out last Monday, I asked her, "So you shut me out when I'm on the inside, and now on the outside?" and her response was "Yes". I continued to ask if she could at least think about it, and she responded "I can say yes, but I'm not gonna". So I told her I loved her and if she wanted to reach out to me if she wanted space, she agreed.

 

 

Lol and today I broke the cardinal rule, I sent her a simple text "Hey hun, wanted to know if you had a minute to talk today" and followed by saying "Nothing bad, just wanted to know if there's any chance you'd like to be interested in mending this relationship. I miss you dearly and don't want to let go of these feelings". I haven't heard from her in hours, so I'm assuming its a no, had to try.

[justwhoiam]

I think it's time for you to go NC for real. She's clearly not in love with you. Move on. And don't be tempted to call/text/message her again.

[OnlyHonesty]

Inviting this girl back into your life would be like inviting an enemy back into your home to allow them to finish you off.

 

This girl does not respect you as a man, she has disrespected you many times, verbally abused you and I wouldn't be surprised if that escalated (if it hasn't already).

 

She carried on with this behaviour because she knew you would always let her get away with it after you tell her how bad it felt or how wrong she was. What you need to realise is, as soon as you find yourself explaining and re explaining why you deserve respect or decent treatment, it's game over. The more you continue explaining why something she did was unacceptable, later this same behaviour will be repeated and then you find yourself slowly shifting your boundaries.

 

This all comes down to your self esteem and it is why you were not assertive about ending it with her, it is the same reason why she is able to treat you this way and you are still wishing to talk to her and try to get her to treat you like a human being.

 

I see a very common theme here 'in love' after only 4 months of dating as well. Think about it, you barely know her so how can you love her...

 

If you do anything other than go No Contact with this girl, you will regret it, you will damage your self esteem further, she will respect you even less and you may set a pattern for future relationships to continue in exactly this way. You cling on because you are afraid of losing this but you don't realise that what you will lose is 'disrespect, verbal abuse, emotional unavailability, stress, pain, sadness, uncertainty, desperation, depression and anger'

 

Do your self esteem a favour, go no contact, take a breather, live life and only allow people into your life who respect you. I have a rule of '3 strikes and then you're out'.

 

I have learned to give people the benefit of doubt because we all make mistakes but after that, it's goodbye. I know how hard it can be even to walk away from the devil but it has to be done.

Edited December 12, 2013 by OnlyHonesty

[lostsoul4286]

Inviting this girl back into your life would be like inviting an enemy back into your home to allow them to finish you off.

 

This girl does not respect you as a man, she has disrespected you many times, verbally abused you and I wouldn't be surprised if that escalated (if it hasn't already).

 

She carried on with this behavior because she knew you would always let her get away with it after you tell her how bad it felt or how wrong she was. What you need to realize is, as soon as you find yourself explaining and re explaining why you deserve respect or decent treatment, it's game over. The more you continue explaining why something she did was unacceptable, later this same behavior will be repeated and then you find yourself slowly shifting your boundaries.

 

This all comes down to your self esteem and it is why you were not assertive about ending it with her, it is the same reason why she is able to treat you this way and you are still wishing to talk to her and try to get her to treat you like a human being.

 

I see a very common theme here 'in love' after only 4 months of dating as well. Think about it, you barely know her so how can you love her...

 

If you do anything other than go No Contact with this girl, you will regret it, you will damage your self esteem further, she will respect you even less and you may set a pattern for future relationships to continue in exactly this way. You cling on because you are afraid of losing this but you don't realise that what you will lose is 'disrespect, verbal abuse, emotional unavailability, stress, pain, sadness, uncertainty, desperation, depression and anger'

 

Do your self esteem a favour, go no contact, take a breather, live life and only allow people into your life who respect you. I have a rule of '3 strikes and then you're out'.

 

I have learned to give people the benefit of doubt because we all make mistakes but after that, it's goodbye. I know how hard it can be even to walk away from the devil but it has to be done.

 

Thank you. I needed those words. Ever since I broke up with her, my mind has been much clearer and I've been able to focus. The only thing that I can be thankful about this long distance relationship is that it accelerated and exposed things that would of taken months, possibly years to surface. We had great moments, and I'll cherish them, but that doesn't' mean I have to tolerate the change.

 

I'm not perfect either, I'm still learning. But one thing I can honestly say is when she truly needed help and came to me, I was there. Whether it was listening, an airline ticket to come up here for her pop's birthday, my presence, I did. Why did it change? Why did she shut me out after promising to never do this? I don't know, nor can I dwell on them. It stung when she said I left when it got hard, I didn't. I even asked if she needed space at one point during the turmoil and confusion back in Nov; She said "Your in NY, you're giving me all the space I need". Her random attitudes with no root truly baffled me towards the end. I tried to get her mind of it, offered anything, games, convo, blurted out random topics in an effort to make her smile ,anything, but got no feedback. I don't regret anything though, it was an awesome ride and a great learning experience. I've never been in a real relationship, lol 4 months is my record now. Thank you everyone for your feedback and comments. And for the record, I never insulted her nor put her down. I did send one text in the end that I explained it was out of anger after simply stating that I don't accept how she is(regarding shutting me out and not letting me in), it was after she continued to jab and stab verbally and hung up on me, that is one thing I truly regret. That may have put the nail in the coffin.

Edited December 12, 2013 by lostsoul4286

[lostsoul4286]

That's kind of what I figured would happen. If you ask her to get back together, she's gonna give you lip. If you want to get back together for another try, PLEASE take our advice and do not contact her. You told her how you feel, now let it go. She's obviously in the thick of whatever problem she is having.

 

Frankly, to be so blunt and tell you she's shutting you out when you are kind of clueless as to what the problem is... it's pretty crappy of her. That's not how you communicate with someone.

 

Although before you dumped her she might have let you in if you had a nice, honest, supportive conversation with her. But now that you've dumped her, like I said, you will get NOTHING from her.

 

So yeah, break it off and go NC.

 

If she misses you at all, you'll hear from her with an apology. She seems to know how bitchy she is, lol.

 

If you're not sure how to do NC.... there's plenty of helpful advice on that in this forum! Delete her number, delete her facebook, no texts, calls, visits, no thinking about her if at all possible. Call up your buddies and go out.

 

Good luck!

Caitlin

 

 

 

Can I send her clothes back, or is that ill advised? Just to hard to see her stuff in my room.

[justwhoiam]

Can I send her clothes back, or is that ill advised? Just to hard to see her stuff in my room.

You must give her her clothes, or she can sue you.........

Send everything she left by chance at your place through an express carrier like UPS, DHL or similar. You can track the shipment and she'll have to sign a receipt upon reception. After that, you have no other duty.

[lostsoul4286]

You must give her her clothes, or she can sue you.........

Send everything she left by chance at your place through an express carrier like UPS, DHL or similar. You can track the shipment and she'll have to sign a receipt upon reception. After that, you have no other duty.

 

 

Sent her clothes today. Just for the future, what other options did I have aside from walking away and trying to give her space? I didn't expect her to explain why she was doing what she was doing so quickly. She's very stubborn. Once she did it and contacted me the next day, I broke down and decided to talk to her then in hopes that maybe we can give it a second chance. Ultimately now she's probably moved on(she said she doesn't like being alone), but I really did love her and I tried everything through out those three weeks of hot/cold, attitudes, etc. All I wanted was communication, especially since we're this far. I got frustrated and stressed because of the confusion and change in frequency she'd call or text, tone in the way we talked(seemed distant), and feeble things like talks about us and the future(went from can't wait until you meet my parents when I come back, to, I don't think you can meet them because you said we can't be friends if it doesn't work out". I asked her if she wanted me to come down more, she was reluctant. Before she wanted me to completely move down there.

 

As dumb as it sounds I understand her now, and I asked her repeatedly to compromise, at least let me know what's going on and if she wants space, to give it a second chance, but of course she wasn't having it. Our conversations dwindled at one point to me waking her up in the morning and saying good night in the evening, and she would tell me everything was fine(if I was lucky). Even though she did reveal before she pushes people away, she told me she'd never do it to me, she was initially very sad about being homesick etc, but throughout those 3 weeks it seemed she got better, at times she'd tell me how she was having fun having lunch with her coworkers, hanging out with a friend after work. All seemed fine, but yet attitudes and distant demeanor was directed towards me. I just didn't get why she couldn't spare a minute to write a text throughout the day if she couldn't call when she's blatantly telling me she did have time to herself. I don't want to repeat the same mistake twice.

[justwhoiam]

Sent her clothes today.

As you sent her clothes right away, stop wondering about this and that. As soon as she gets them, she will realize it's really over. Chances are she's already over you. So the process might have started a while ago.

 

You could have had several options, but if all you did was trying to love her and being loved, and in turn she had nasty words for you (or being verbally abusive, as someone else mentioned), then your best option is to find a different girl, because that relationship was only going to be trouble.

 

Also, I'm not sure why you keep talking of compromise. What you asked had nothing to do with compromising.

[lostsoul4286]

As you sent her clothes right away, stop wondering about this and that. As soon as she gets them, she will realize it's really over. Chances are she's already over you. So the process might have started a while ago.

 

You could have had several options, but if all you did was trying to love her and being loved, and in turn she had nasty words for you (or being verbally abusive, as someone else mentioned), then your best option is to find a different girl, because that relationship was only going to be trouble.

 

Also, I'm not sure why you keep talking of compromise. What you asked had nothing to do with compromising.

 

If not compromising, then what?

[justwhoiam]

If not compromising, then what?

openness & understanding

[lostsoul4286]

openness & understanding

 

Thank you.

[IfiKnewThen]

this is my advise. seriously i promise you ..you wont be disappointed. go buy the book men are from mars and women are from venus. its a short simple read. it explains how men and women HEAR each other differently. and words are key and ...trust me you WILL get the help you need to either get her back (if shes mature and can now be open to your "new words of communicating with a female") or you will come to see how she NOT for you and likely doesnt understand men. to me it sounds like you both need the relationship skills to make it work and this book........trust me ....gives you insight. its a true eye opener. please buy it you wont regret it. it should be a staple in school so people can learn about the opposite sex and how each interprets things and how lots of fights can be avoided.

[OnlyHonesty]

this is my advise. seriously i promise you ..you wont be disappointed. go buy the book men are from mars and women are from venus.<--snip-->

 

A friend of mine who went through similar got that book on my recommendation as well, they found it very useful. To add to your suggestion, I would also recommend having a quick look at 'Mr unavailable and the fallback girl'. Although not its target audience, it is still useful and certainly worth a read on Google books or a kindle sample. I believe his ex was exactly that, emotionally unavailable.

[lostsoul4286]

Well I reached out to her just to ask whether I should stop waiting and she called me. She told me she misses me and loves me, but kept reminding me that I hurt her. She still took a couple of stabs at my job, but it doesn't matter. She said she has to think about giving it another go... but she couldn't answer last night and that she'll reach out to me when she's in NY. This is one thing I noticed about her, when she feels she's about to loose me for good, that's when she reacts. Never listens or wants to talk when everything is calm and serene. A lot of her old demeanor conjured as well, the reasons I initially went for the breakup. I don't mind though, i know this time is because I screwed up. Like I told her, whatever decision she makes is fine with me. It really is, i learned a lot from this experience, I just want to reach out and see if she's willing to give it another chance before I move on with my life. I seriously need to, lost focus of work before and after the breakup, skillset dwindled... scary stuff. I know there's a 10% chance she'll give it a go, odds are against me, I'm aware. But I had to try. I'll let everyone know the results!