Husband admits he wants open marriage... Anyone been there?

[Ravensfeather]

So after all the stuff that's been going on this past year, my husband and I have been working on being more honest. One night he writes me a letter admitting he doesn't believe in exclusive marriage and that he believes in open marriages. I know being in my current state of mind I cannot be in an open relationship as I have severe depression and there is no way I wouldn't feel abandoned by this. I'm afraid he's not happy and not going to be happy just being with me. Has anyone tried open marriages? Did it work out?

[oldshirt]

My wife and I used to be very involved in swinging (different than open marriage) for several years and it worked for us and worked for many of the couples that we knew. In general I do believe that for some couples consensual nonmonogamy can work and be fine.

 

Unfortunately I do NOT think you are one of those couples. I have gone through your previous posts and read up on your backstory a little bit and believe that you entering into an open marriage would be like taking a gas truck to a forest fire.

 

The couples that have successful open marriages are couples that have a well established history of being genuinely happy and healthy together, already have a vigorous and satisfying sexlife, and have very open and transparent communication and have a high degree of honesty and trust.

 

You two have none of those things

 

You two have a very dysfunctional sexlife with a very low degree of satisfaction and connection with each other.

 

Your husband has a porn issue and his fantasies of open marriage amount to nothing more than visions of sugar plums dancing in his head. He wants to live a porn lifestyle but isn't even making an effort to be with or to please the flesh and blood woman he has living in his house.

 

You are chronically under-loved and frustrated and dissatisfied with your love life (for dang good reason) and are already trying to live on whatever bread crumbs and table scraps you manage to scrounge out of the garbage.

 

In this case, your husband suggesting open marriage is nothing more than simply another step in the downward spiral of him turning his sexual energies outside of the marriage. To put it simply, he is basically just wanting to be with other women sexually and doesn't want you trying to stop it or to whine and complain about it.

 

In another post you stated that he said that he would be OK if you were getting it elsewhere too. For happy, healthy, satisfied couples, that works because they each want the other to experience a zestfull sexlife to it's fullest. In the case of unhappy, unhealthy and dysfunctional couples, it simply means he doesn't care what you do.

 

I'm not trying to be hurtful or to rub salt in your wounds but this is just simply another step of a degenerative and progressive downward spiral of an unhappy marriage.

 

Your husband wants to be with other women but is just too lazy and too apathetic to bother with divorcing you first. There is something in the marriage that he wants to keep, whether it is you are a good cook or a good companion to chat with at the end of the day or you bring in some decent money into the house. He is simply wanting to keep you in the house and have sex with other woman and have you sign off on it. He is wanting to be a cake eater and have his cake and eat it to.

 

I am sorry you are going through this:(

[oldshirt]

I think instead of using the term open marriage you can better say divorce or dont marry.

 

Because there is a reason God made marriage and only for 2 people who love each other to be in it.

 

Open marriage is saying give me your blessing to cheat without you getting mad.

While there is no way someone will not get hurt if there partner cheat, with them knowing it or not.

 

You may need to have a serious talk with this men.

And see what he is really saying.

Is he unhappy in the marriage, is he not inlove anymore? does he want a divorce but he use the open marriage thing because he is afraid to say it loud, is he having a affair and trys 2 have it " peacefully" by saying lets have a open marriage.

Open marriage doesnt exist. If he do this he is cheating and doing adultery.

 

Because i cant imagine someone that love you tell you to go sleep with someone else.

Or 2 people that love each other finds it okay to see each other sleeping and dating other. i mean what is the meaning of staying married then'? to just

have someone secure to cook and clean at home for him to come home and relax after having is affairs???????

That is not why marriage is made for.

Its exactly create to stop people from sleeping around with multi partners also.

Its in the bible. Because God saw that is was getting a mess.

 

Our views on open marriage in general are complete, 180 degree, polar opposites.

 

but our view on whether the Ravenfeathers should do it or not are the same.

 

that should say something.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I am not into the open marriage thing, but to each their own.

 

However, I am also in agreement with the other two posters.

 

Don't do this OP. I would tell him that it is unacceptable and you will NOT tolerate it. That he can pack his **** and go, if he wants to whore around.

 

Go see an attorney fast OP. Make sure you know your rights.

 

NO MAN is worth this. Focus on you and your future.

 

I hope he sticks it in the wrong hole and it falls off.

[oldshirt]

Did it work out?

 

 

Ravensfeather, let me back up a second and ask you a question. We may all be looking at this the wrong way.

 

What is your definition of "working out"?

What does "working out" mean to you?

 

Do you mean working out as both of you being happy and content and well connected and bonded and having a happy and healthy marriage? (that is what we assumed you meant)

 

Or by 'working out' do you mean that each of you have license to remain in the marital home and under the umbrella of shared marital assets (house, bank accounts, cars, insurance policies etc etc) but each of you have the freedom and consent to go out and start meeting new people and each of you begin the process of finding new love interests and new partners without the baggage of being considered as adulterous and cheating by the other party.

 

In other words, do you mean "working out" as each of getting out to find someone else without all the baggage, chaos, pain and bitterness of sneaking around lying and cheating and all the trimmings of adultery?

 

Are you asking if open marriage could basically be used as an exit strategy with less angst and conflict rather than cheating??

[stillafool]

For me a spouse asking to be in an open marriage is telling me that I'm simply not enough. OP now that he has said this to you what do you plan to do?

[painfullyobvious]

I would take the advice of oldshirt as s/he has been involved in the situation your husband is curious about. You need to ask yourself if you could visualize if you are comfortable with this morally and emotionally. Could you be happy seeing or knowing your husband is sleeping with another person? Would you be able to have sex with another person? Your husband appears open to this idea but would he be able to handle his wife being happy in bed with another person? It all sounds great until the experience becomes real. Some are able to make it work others wished they had never did it. I agree with oldshirts comment that there already seems to be trouble in your relationship and if you are being pushed into this situation you will have a bad experience and most likely implode your marriage.

 

 

I have known a few people who are okay with open marriages and some who wanted open marriages because they already had their eyes (and other organs) set on someone before the open marriage discussion. Ask your husband if he has anyone in mind already for your open marriage and why the sudden belief in open marriage. I am guessing he may have someone in mind or ready to be lined up.

 

 

This seems very unfair to you and you seem reluctant here. Please do not allow yourself to be bullied or pressured into an uncomfortable situation. Be honest with yourself and husband even if it is not what he wants to hear it. Good luck and take care.

[crederer]

Nope, not for me.

 

And I believe it can work for some people, but as another poster pointed out, you do not seem to be these people. You can't let someone force you into this lifestyle and end up happy.

 

When I first read the thread title, I thought "what a jerk" but then after reading your post it made me think. You gotta give the guy credit, it probably wasn't easy for him to bring it up as a means of being more honest with you.

 

Now how he reacts to your answer will be a bigger indication of whether he's a jerk or not.

[Ravensfeather]

For me, my concern is him being happy with me in a marriage that is not open. I asked if he had someone else and he said no. But it really feels like I'm a roommate and he's trying to take the easy way out and be the good guy instead of just leaving me. I say this because last week (before this was mentioned) he said he needed some time so I stayed with my mom for a few days. He then talked with me over texting that night and proceeded to tell me we were great partners but not a good couple, that he no longer feels a connection with me. As you can imagine my self esteem has plummeted at this point because I feel completely inadequate and a failure in this marriage because I can't make my husband happy. He says he is going to try to get the connection back but he doesn't know how and is going to try living a normal marriage. However in the great humor of the universe we just found out I'm pregnant and I don't like our future so up in the air. It feels like he wants me there to cook and clean and be his 'rock' but he wants to go have relationships with others. Says we should be able to go out and if we come back home then we have a true trusting marriage...

[stillafool]

I'm sorry. No pregnant wife wants to hear the things your husband is saying to you. He is acting like he wants you to be his mother (cooking, cleaning and taking care of the house) while he does whatever he wants. He needs to grow up because you have a child coming. Have you decided what you are going to do?

[Forever Learning]

My wife and I used to be very involved in swinging (different than open marriage) for several years and it worked for us and worked for many of the couples that we knew. In general I do believe that for some couples consensual nonmonogamy can work and be fine.

 

Unfortunately I do NOT think you are one of those couples. I have gone through your previous posts and read up on your backstory a little bit and believe that you entering into an open marriage would be like taking a gas truck to a forest fire.

 

The couples that have successful open marriages are couples that have a well established history of being genuinely happy and healthy together, already have a vigorous and satisfying sexlife, and have very open and transparent communication and have a high degree of honesty and trust.

 

You two have none of those things

 

You two have a very dysfunctional sexlife with a very low degree of satisfaction and connection with each other.

 

Your husband has a porn issue and his fantasies of open marriage amount to nothing more than visions of sugar plums dancing in his head. He wants to live a porn lifestyle but isn't even making an effort to be with or to please the flesh and blood woman he has living in his house.

 

You are chronically under-loved and frustrated and dissatisfied with your love life (for dang good reason) and are already trying to live on whatever bread crumbs and table scraps you manage to scrounge out of the garbage.

 

In this case, your husband suggesting open marriage is nothing more than simply another step in the downward spiral of him turning his sexual energies outside of the marriage. To put it simply, he is basically just wanting to be with other women sexually and doesn't want you trying to stop it or to whine and complain about it.

 

In another post you stated that he said that he would be OK if you were getting it elsewhere too. For happy, healthy, satisfied couples, that works because they each want the other to experience a zestfull sexlife to it's fullest. In the case of unhappy, unhealthy and dysfunctional couples, it simply means he doesn't care what you do.

 

I'm not trying to be hurtful or to rub salt in your wounds but this is just simply another step of a degenerative and progressive downward spiral of an unhappy marriage.

 

Your husband wants to be with other women but is just too lazy and too apathetic to bother with divorcing you first. There is something in the marriage that he wants to keep, whether it is you are a good cook or a good companion to chat with at the end of the day or you bring in some decent money into the house. He is simply wanting to keep you in the house and have sex with other woman and have you sign off on it. He is wanting to be a cake eater and have his cake and eat it to.

 

I am sorry you are going through this:(

 

A really great post here.

[Forever Learning]

For me, my concern is him being happy with me in a marriage that is not open. I asked if he had someone else and he said no. But it really feels like I'm a roommate and he's trying to take the easy way out and be the good guy instead of just leaving me. I say this because last week (before this was mentioned) he said he needed some time so I stayed with my mom for a few days. He then talked with me over texting that night and proceeded to tell me we were great partners but not a good couple, that he no longer feels a connection with me. As you can imagine my self esteem has plummeted at this point because I feel completely inadequate and a failure in this marriage because I can't make my husband happy. He says he is going to try to get the connection back but he doesn't know how and is going to try living a normal marriage. However in the great humor of the universe we just found out I'm pregnant and I don't like our future so up in the air. It feels like he wants me there to cook and clean and be his 'rock' but he wants to go have relationships with others. Says we should be able to go out and if we come back home then we have a true trusting marriage...

 

God almighty this is really disturbing. This man is going to ruin your self esteem and your sanity if you stay in this situation. I think you are only considering staying with him because you just found out you are pregnant and you are (of course) pretty worried about the future right now.

 

If so, it might be time to figure out if you even want to have the baby or not ( I am so sorry to suggest this) and also probably face the realization that he is not the one for you, his vision of life is not your (this open marriage nonsense, which won't make you happy).

 

You could probably use a good therapist right now. I guess it boils down to figuring out how to leave him (exit strategy) and what to do about the pregnancy (keep it or not).

 

God bless you, I wish I had some less depressing advice here. To your own self be true. Don't be in a sh*tty open marriage, it will make you crazy. I say go live with Mom permanently while you figure out how to proceed with the pregnancy. I'm so sorry hun. What should be the best time in your life may end up being a really rough time. I am a single mom raising 2 boys alone (age 6 and 9), it can be done if you set your mind to it. But it's not easy. But above all, don't stay with a mixed up douchebag of a man just because you think you have no alternative. Find a better alternative. Your sanity is at stake. God bless.

Edited December 8, 2013 by Forever Learning

[nescafe1982]

God almighty this is really disturbing. This man is going to ruin your self esteem and your sanity if you stay in this situation. I think you are only considering staying with him because you just found out you are pregnant and you are (of course) pretty worried about the future right now.

 

If so, it might be time to figure out if you even want to have the baby or not ( I am so sorry to suggest this) and also probably face the realization that he is not the one for you, his vision of life is not your (this open marriage nonsense, which won't make you happy).

 

You could probably use a good therapist right now. I guess it boils down to figuring out how to leave him (exit strategy) and what to do about the pregnancy (keep it or not).

 

God bless you, I wish I had some less depressing advice here. To your own self be true. Don't be in a sh*tty open marriage, it will make you crazy. I say go live with Mom permanently while you figure out how to proceed with the pregnancy. I'm so sorry hun. What should be the best time in your life may end up being a really rough time. I am a single mom raising 2 boys alone (age 6 and 9), it can be done if you set your mind to it. But it's not easy. But above all, don't stay with a mixed up douchebag of a man just because you think you have no alternative. Find a better alternative. Your sanity is at stake. God bless.

 

I hate to say it, but I agree. It sounds like your husband has checked out on your marriage, but wants to keep you around to "take care of him" (whether as mother or maid) while he gets his cookies elsewhere. He sounds awful, like a person who will drag down your self-worth into bottomless oblivion. How selfish. And with a pregnancy, too? My heart goes out to you.

 

I think some talk with a therapist might serve this situation well: you need an objective sounding board and are facing some very tough decisions in your near future.

[Eggplant]

If I were married, and my husband wanted an open marriage, what would upset me even more than the fact that he wanted to be with others, would be the fact that he was OK with my being with others. I'm sorry, if a man is OK with his woman being with other men, he doesn't give a **** about her. I don't buy it.

[BOREDouttaMymind]

nope. most times when this happens its just a way of starting to find a way to end a relationship. if you allow an open relationship, hes going to end up blaming you and then hes going to look like the one in the right.

[oldshirt]

nope. most times when this happens its just a way of starting to find a way to end a relationship.

 

 

I disagree. I don't think people bring up open marriage as a way of ending or getting out of a relationship....at least not consciously. If people want to argue that it's some kind of subconscious end-run, well then, whatever:o but I don't think people intentionally bring up open marriage as any kind of exit strategy.

 

IMHO people bring up open marriage as way to preserve the companionship, security, home, family and creature comforts of marriage but still get some of the excitement and stimulation of someone new and also if there is some element of their sexuality that they are not getting at home (such as some kind of kink or fetish or some kind of technique that their partner is unwilling/unable to perform)

 

so basically what I am saying is open marriage is an option in preserving the relationship rather than ending it.

 

The catch is for some people it can be a healthy thing and work well but many others it is trying to put a bandaid on a gaping, hemoraging wound.

 

People on these boards often view people bringing up open marriage as some kind of cowards way out. it's not. Open marriage is actually much harder and much more difficult to manage than cheating or having an affair.

 

It's easier to have a fling with an office mate or pick up someone in a bar than it is have an open marriage.

 

The key to an open marriage working though is a very high degree of mutual respect, compassion, trust, communication etc etc.

 

I see those things as missing in this situation and don't feel that an open marriage would have any chance of long term success.

[down hearted]

I know being in my current state of mind I cannot be in an open relationship as I have severe depression and there is no way I wouldn't feel abandoned by this. I'm afraid he's not happy and not going to be happy just being with me.

 

You answered your own question, that this will not work with you, and since he brought it up i agree with others in ending this because if he is okay with you been intimate with other men than he does not respect you, my husband would kill if he ever saw me with another man, even if it were holding hands he would kill me and then murder him lol. First of all why get married and be with other people, it makes no sense marriage is marriage, open marriage is just a fancy way of saying, I'm bored i want to screw around with other people but keep you there for when am done screwing around and need something as company when am done to grow old the end.

 

i know i may sound very closed minded but to each their own as others say, personally for me talking about myself and my morals, i do not believe in open marriages me and my husband wouldn't allow this, if one of us did want it, our marriage will end in divorce because i would never be okay with knowing my husband is tossing around and sharing body fluids with another woman, for one i will be deadly scared to catch anything and two if i wanted to be with different people i wouldn't have gotten married in the first place just saying.

 

Marriage is just that its just you and the other person you married through good and bad and you have to WORK AT it like there is no tomorrow and if all has been tried and there is no other solution (no open marriage is not a solution) then divorce is in order, how are you going to fix a marriage when you are including random people to butt in and screw your husband, thats not a solution sorry and shouldn't be an option because when you guys fix things and the open marriage ends you will always have in the back of your mind the people he screwed.

Edited December 8, 2013 by down hearted