i'm really frustrated, help!

[ILEANA]

i have had this problem with jealousy and went to counseling or my boyfriend was going to split up with me. the counseling had helped some but they thought i was depressed as well.

 

i agreed to go on an anti-depressant and since then i have not had problems with my jealousy, go figure huh? well i have not been in counseling now for some time and i feel that i am doing remarkedly well considering how i was before.

 

i was going to go to this self-esteem class which starts tonight, also my boyfriend has agreed to help me get a car, a used car. i will be paying on it tho.

 

well i wanted to go look at some tonight when he gets home from work, but he wants me to go to this class. i don't want to really go to this class now anyway.

 

now he is saying that i should go and since he is helping me out that that is the least i could do. well i was irritated with him cause i felt like he was my father telling me what to do.

 

i hung up on him at that point and he left this message saying that he feels that i do not appreciate what he does for me, which is not true.

 

i feel like i have to kiss his butt or he wont help me. i don't want to go to this class, car or no car. also i told him that he don't do anything about his problems either, like he tends to patronize me, gets too irritable and impatient.

 

he thinks that when i ask him the same question a few times that it is cause i am trying to trap him into saying something different to see if he is lying.

 

that is not even true and i can't make him believe me and it is driving me crazy cause it is so not true. i feel at his mercy cause of this stupid car thing and it really sucks!

 

now i told him to forget the car, i don't want to feel indebt to him anymore! am i wrong? i feel like my jealousy is well under control, probably for the first time in my life!

[Tony T]

Your boyfriend is looking out for your very best interests in encouraging you to go to these self esteem classes. You need them.

 

Your boyfriend is wanting a quality relationship with a lady whose feathers don't get ruffled about every little thing. He knows that if you feel lots better about yourself and gain confidence, the quality of the relationship and your own personal quality of life will improve tremendously.

 

I think in insisting you go to these classes, your boyfriend was holding out some hope that your whole attitude about life and about yourself would improve. He is probably very disappointed that you decided not to go.

 

If the problems between the two of you continue and he breaks up with you as a result, maybe they will be starting a new class and you can attend...so your next relationship will be better.

 

I also think your attitude is pretty childish. You are basically not going to the class because you think he's holding this car thing over your head and you don't want him to have that kind of control. Well, that car deal is completely irrelevant to the fact that you sorely need this course...and if it isn't too late...get to it NOW!!!

[ILEANA]

TONY, well after consideration i did finally go to the class, but i feel misunderstood by you..."snif" i felt hurt by what you said too...

 

what i was saying is that he is holding the car and other things over my head as a way to get me to do things. i feel trapped within this relationship which really sucks cause i love this guy very much.

 

i went to the class cause i know i need it and i wanted to go, but i know it was childish to not go as it seemed like i was punishing him but i was also being punished by him if i did not go.

 

anyway, i went and today we are going to look at cars....it's not just the car thing tho, there are alot of other things he has over me cause of other circumstances and it is making me feel at his beck and call and right now i can't change the situation but once i can then i'll feel better. thank you tho. ileana

Your boyfriend is looking out for your very best interests in encouraging you to go to these self esteem classes. You need them. Your boyfriend is wanting a quality relationship with a lady whose feathers don't get ruffled about every little thing. He knows that if you feel lots better about yourself and gain confidence, the quality of the relationship and your own personal quality of life will improve tremendously. I think in insisting you go to these classes, your boyfriend was holding out some hope that your whole attitude about life and about yourself would improve. He is probably very disappointed that you decided not to go. If the problems between the two of you continue and he breaks up with you as a result, maybe they will be starting a new class and you can attend...so your next relationship will be better. I also think your attitude is pretty childish. You are basically not going to the class because you think he's holding this car thing over your head and you don't want him to have that kind of control. Well, that car deal is completely irrelevant to the fact that you sorely need this course...and if it isn't too late...get to it NOW!!!

[Tony T]

He obviously has a control issue, which has its origins in various insecurities. People who are confident in themselves have no need to control others. Most likely this is something from his childhood and until he sees it as a problem, he will not get help. You, in turn, become an enabler by reinforcing his behavior in subjecting yourself to it and making it continue to work for him.

 

Additionally, people who keep score or hold things over other people's heads are frightfully immature. You guy is pretty much of a child in this respect.

 

Now that you know where this comes from, you either have the choice of staying with him or leaving him. I personally don't see how love can survive long term for you with a person who continually keeps score and holds things over your head.

 

I am sorry you chose to be hurt by my previous post. It was your decision to feel that way. It should have been obvious to you that I did not completely understand the dynamics of your problem from your first post. I hope you will not hold this over my head. It's all really your decision.