Friends made plans without me.

[snooplama]

There's this group of people I socialize with and I thought I got along with all of them. One person in that group organized a get together and invited the other two in the group and not me. The reason why I know about it is because she kept mentioning it to other people while I was in the room and could hear her. I was not part of the conversation but I was sitting three feet away from them. Then she mentioned it again while I was nearby. I am definitely not invited because she never said anything about it to me directly and I know its going on tomorrow but I don't know the time. I have been waiting all week to see if she would send the invite. I thought I was friends with this group of people. I picked up one of them from the airport this week. I helped with house painting with the second one. And I babysat for the third one a few times. I'm thinking about cutting these people off for good. I'm fine if they need something and then they make plans without me while I'm in the room and can hear them. They didn't have to invite me but they could have tried to not let me know about it.

 

The questions I have is would it be the right thing to do to confront them about this? Is this worth taking them off facebook and never coming around again?

[Survivor12]

It sounds like you have put in a lot of effort--taxi service, painting, babysitting--but what have any of them done for you? If the answer is "nothing", then you need to ask yourself why you have done so much for them...could it be that your motive is to BECOME friends with them?

 

Friendship works both ways. If they aren't putting in an effort to be friends with you as well, they aren't your friends. Since you are willing to be a friend, you need to find people who appreciate you enough to reciprocate.

[nescafe1982]

Ouch. Been there, OP. Female friendships are hard, especially in a group scenario where the dynamics of the group can become, well, toxic, if one person brings it there.

 

Is there a chance that they forgot to extend an invite (or that your invite was implied)? Only you know this for certain.

 

If not, I'd pull back a bit. As the other reply said, friendship is a two-way street. And if they only call you up when they need something, that is really unfair.

 

If I were in your shoes personally, I might consider whether the problem is the entire group of women (just assuming their all women, can't see it any other way)... or the one woman who is hosting this particular get-together. If SHE is the sole problem, your other friends might not even be aware you've been excluded. Just food for thought.

 

But I'm sorry this happened to you. It really sucks when your girlfriends do this sort of catty crap. Unfortunately, in groups of women, such ostracism isn't uncommon at all. But it's brutal to go through... and it's almost never about the recipient.

[spiderowl]

I would just ignore the whole thing and wait and see what happens. If there is an issue, it's with the person who did not invite you but invited everyone around you. The others may not have been aware what was happening.

 

If you have a 'friend' who is childish enough to invite everyone except you, don't blame your other friends for that. If they realised what was going on, they might have felt embarrassed and assumed she would invite you too, or had already done so. They are likely to feel pretty awkward turning up and finding you are not there.

 

In summary, I would not take it personally - after all they are missing your lovely company - and just wait and see how this pans out. Don't blame the others though because they would not know the whole story. Honestly, one stray sheep is not worth this angst. Take the bigger view: care for your friends and the genuine ones will always come back to you.

[writergal]

Oh, I would take their rejection personally. They rejected you, right in front of your face. The bigger view is that they don't view you as more than a social acquaintance. Your role is to do things for them. Every clique has a social hierarchy. Sounds to me like they put you at the bottom rung. Ouch.

 

Unfortunately, there are those roles among women friends and it sucks when they designate you to that role, without your permission.

 

You think you're doing them favors, but what they see is that you are someone who will be at their beck and call whenever they need something. But they don't view you as someone they want to hang out socially with.

 

I think it was quite petty for them to organize a get together with each other but not to include you, when you were in the same room with them. Frankly, they do not sound like good friends to me.

 

If you want to confront them do so. But I think they must be a petty group, so they'll probably push it back on to you as being paranoid, and then put you down for daring to accuse them of leaving you out, rather than empathize with you and apologize.

 

You deserve better treatment. Those women are not your friends. They just view you as an acquaintance. Otherwise they would have invited you.

[UpwardForward]

I would confront the most vital one and ask the direct question. No messaging, but direct contact. This way you will be certain there is no misunderstanding.

 

Whether they give you a direct answer or not, they will know for future reference - why you are making yourself no longer part of their group.

 

I am much older than most on here. I can look back and tell you definitely: Every time you are ever shunned - Run from them, and don't look back.

[writergal]

I would confront the most vital one and ask the direct question. No messaging, but direct contact. This way you will be certain there is no misunderstanding.

 

Whether they give you a direct answer or not, they will know for future reference - why you are making yourself no longer part of their group.

 

I am much older than most on here. I can look back and tell you definitely: Every time you are ever shunned - Run from them, and don't look back.

 

I'm 42 and whole-heartedly agree 100% with UpwardForward's post. Groups of women will shun the members they view as socially weak, which is awful but it's why I have avoided cliques throughout my life. Anytime I've been part of a huge clique of women, I'm never near the tip tier, but often in the middle or near the bottom of their social hiearchy.

[UpwardForward]

I'm 42 and whole-heartedly agree 100% with UpwardForward's post. Groups of women will shun the members they view as socially weak, which is awful but it's why I have avoided cliques throughout my life. Anytime I've been part of a huge clique of women, I'm never near the tip tier, but often in the middle or near the bottom of their social hiearchy.

 

Not even just women .. It could be Everyone .. Husbands too ..

 

The only regrets I have are of grinding away - and Not receiving, in a timely manner.

[bubbaganoosh]

IMO, let it play out and when you see them again, maybe one of them will ask why you weren't there and if they do, tell them you didn't get an invite. If no one says anything, then find a new group of friends because this group isn't worth your time.

[saz123]

Friendship is a 2 way street.

But I've been through exactly what you're talking about and to be honest it still happens now... I dropped out of college & my friends stayed. Now they've formed their own new clique and no longer invite me out anymore.

I did a bad thing (I think) and confronted them about it, now they don't speak to me at all.

It's kind of bad though I think because surely you have every right to stand up for yourself (you do). But my advice is if they do it again, politely ask.

In the mean time ask if they wanna go out... Don't give up

[writergal]

Roles in girls' cliques:

 

1. The Queen Bee: By sheer popularity she reigns over the rest of the clique and weakens girls' friendships with other when she exerts her social power.

 

2. The Side Kick: She idolizes the Queen Bee, is the Queen Bee's best friend and does whatever the Queen Bee tells her to do.

 

3. The Floater: She has friends in different groups and can move freely among them. She has influence over other girls but doesn't use it to make them feel bad.

 

4. The Torn Bystander: In constant conflict to do the right thing and the level of her allegiance to the clique. She's the one most likely to get caught up in group drama between other girls and then be blamed for others' conflicts.

 

5. The Group Pleaser/Wannabee/Messenger: She will do anything to be in everyone's good graces in the group, especially to the Queen Bee and Sidekick. She's the go-to person for the group's needs -- she'll do anything for anyone. Yet, all the group members will eventually turn on her b/c they view her as weak. Her issue is that she can't tell the difference between what she wants, and what the girls in the group want (from her). So she does whatever everyone else tells her until she gets ousted from the group.

 

6. The Information Banker: She appears harmless to her fellow group members, but has the ability to get information (gossip) from each of the group members about themselves and about the other group members. She cleverly uses this information to secure her position in the group as the group's "411 information bank" of who's doing what to whom and why. The phrase commonly associated with her is, "I'm telling you this as a friend..." when she's doing the opposite.

 

7. The Target/Scapegoat/Punching Bag: The whole group views this girl as the easy target or victim to their schemes. She has no rights in the group whatsoever. She's often on the edge of the clique, never quite a part of it. She's set up to be humiliated often by the group members and is isolated from social events and feels alone as a result. She is often shunned and humiliated and patronized to the point where she leaves the group feeling worthless about herself (which is a warped reflection of how the group feels about her and not the actual reality).

[bubbaganoosh]

The sad part about snooplama problem is that these are adults that mature wise are still stuck in high school.

 

Someday they might find out what it's like to be left on the outside looking in. Then they'll get the idea of what it feels like.

 

Chin up girl. Sooner or later they will get what they deserve.

[nescafe1982]

I can look back and tell you definitely: Every time you are ever shunned - Run from them, and don't look back.

 

Oh, how I wish I'd met you in my twenties. I had an absolutely awful couple of years dealing with workplace mean-girls who nearly made me quit the career I love.

 

Nearly. Thank God I didn't.

 

The sad part about snooplama problem is that these are adults that mature wise are still stuck in high school.

 

The sad thing is that groups of women still do this kind of crap to one another on the regular. Every time I see a clique, I see someone being shunned. Stupid.

[writergal]

I'm 42 and those damned cliques among women STILL exist. Two years ago I found myself first as a floater, then as a torn bystander in a particularly large women's clique that formed over time in a Meetup that I have attended regularly for years. These women were catty, vicious, gossipy and made a game of who could stab who in the back the quickest. First I was in the center of it as the floater. But then I allowed myself foolishly to get caught up in all the drama that went on, as a torn bystander, until I'd had enough and not only left that clique but left the Meetup group as well. It was too emotionally exhausting to me and did a number on my self-esteem. I don't talk to any of those horrible women anymore. Occasionally I run into them around town, but all we exchange are knowing "glares" (lol) as we walk past each other.

[snooplama]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I still have not received an invite and I don't think Ill see one today. Its ok though, I am going to take the wait and see approach and not go out of my way for these people again.

 

The main one who didn't invite me to her thing is actually my in-law. Her husband and my husband are related. So the only reason why I know them is because of our husbands. We would have never met or been friends otherwise. The two other women in the group are her friends and they are nice enough but they are loyal to her.

 

This group of people are not my main group of friends but I have gotten to know them over the years. I am still mad and would like to confront her with this but then I think its not worth it. I will probably see them in the next couple of weeks. I will update if anything interesting happens with this.

[Meadowgreen]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I still have not received an invite and I don't think Ill see one today. Its ok though, I am going to take the wait and see approach and not go out of my way for these people again.

 

The main one who didn't invite me to her thing is actually my in-law. Her husband and my husband are related. So the only reason why I know them is because of our husbands. We would have never met or been friends otherwise. The two other women in the group are her friends and they are nice enough but they are loyal to her.

 

This group of people are not my main group of friends but I have gotten to know them over the years. I am still mad and would like to confront her with this but then I think its not worth it. I will probably see them in the next couple of weeks. I will update if anything interesting happens with this.

 

You seem like an incredibly giving and lovely person and far too good a friend for this coven of witches. It doesn't surprise me to hear that they are grown women who feel the need to carry on like petty little school girls.

 

For what it's worth, I'd be honoured to call you my friend. You seem like a good egg

 

Don't let them get you down. Stick with those friends that treat you right and appreciate you!

[UpwardForward]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I still have not received an invite and I don't think Ill see one today. Its ok though, I am going to take the wait and see approach and not go out of my way for these people again.

 

The main one who didn't invite me to her thing is actually my in-law. Her husband and my husband are related. So the only reason why I know them is because of our husbands. We would have never met or been friends otherwise. The two other women in the group are her friends and they are nice enough but they are loyal to her.

 

This group of people are not my main group of friends but I have gotten to know them over the years. I am still mad and would like to confront her with this but then I think its not worth it. I will probably see them in the next couple of weeks. I will update if anything interesting happens with this.

 

I'm one on here who would like to see this interaction ended, as well.

 

I can understand you wouldn't want to confront them with it, and to let them know your hurt. But people like this just Don't Get It, unless someone spells it out. Should you withdraw from them, they could makeup reasons.

 

The next time one asks you for a favor, perhaps you could do it - and Then Document to them the reason why this is the Last of it. Letting her know Why you don't consider yourself in closeness to her or 'the group'.

You can do all this in confronting them - or else completely drop them and put it out of your mind - leaving them by the wayside.

Edited December 8, 2013 by UpwardForward

[snooplama]

Well, its been an interesting month since this has happened. I have not seen these people since all of this. I was invited to spend New Years Eve with them but I said I am not feeling well. I have been to their New Years before and its not fun for me. Nobody in that group likes to talk to me and I just sit in the corner until its over. Instead, I am going to throw my own party tomorrow. I invited a couple of friends and then it turned out a few more people were available. None of the people I invited are from that group. My little get-together may just turn into an epic party.

 

 

I said I would see the friend that didn't invite me over this weekend. I am so done with her and her little clique but I still have to be nice since she is an in-law. Our husbands are distant relatives so its not like families are being torn apart over this. I am tired of pleasing these people.

 

 

Thanks everyone for the advice. It really helped me sort through this. My new year resolution is going to be that I cut the fake people out of my life.

[preraph]

I wouldn't ask because it makes you look desperate. I'd go on about my business and make other plans and even if they invite you at the last minute, say "No, thanks, I made other plans." Then if they're using you for chores, also be unavailable and have other plans. So at this point, you give them nothing, but don't act like anything is wrong, just don't give them anything or go on this outing if they invite you last minute. Then going forward see if, without getting anything from you, they invite you in advance to a future outing. If not, cut ties.

[Arieswoman]

Hi snooplama,

First of all let me say I really feel for you because I have been where you are and it isn't nice.

 

In UK we call this behaviour "playground politics". It's childish and silly.

 

You do right to move on. Friends should support you, not drag you down.

 

Preraph has nailed it. Carry on with your life and make your own plans and see if anything comes from this group of so-called friends. If they contact you, you will know how much they value you.

 

If they don't then they are the losers as they will be missing out on your company.

 

My new year resolution is going to be that I cut the fake people out of my life.

 

Great idea - Good Luck.

[Blade96]

There's this group of people I socialize with and I thought I got along with all of them. One person in that group organized a get together and invited the other two in the group and not me. The reason why I know about it is because she kept mentioning it to other people while I was in the room and could hear her. I was not part of the conversation but I was sitting three feet away from them. Then she mentioned it again while I was nearby. I am definitely not invited because she never said anything about it to me directly and I know its going on tomorrow but I don't know the time. I have been waiting all week to see if she would send the invite. I thought I was friends with this group of people. I picked up one of them from the airport this week. I helped with house painting with the second one. And I babysat for the third one a few times. I'm thinking about cutting these people off for good. I'm fine if they need something and then they make plans without me while I'm in the room and can hear them. They didn't have to invite me but they could have tried to not let me know about it.

 

The questions I have is would it be the right thing to do to confront them about this? Is this worth taking them off facebook and never coming around again?

 

Rude as heck, OP. They are. If this happens regularly - you giving and them taking but not giving much back - they aren't your friends and you need new ones.