I HATE when my husband spends time with his family

[d0nnivain]

Your husband is not betraying you. He's not picking them over you (although I can understand why you might feel that way & in your shoes I'm not sure I'd be mature enough to think another way either).

 

 

After 28 years, it's time for you to be the bigger person. If you really don't want to be around them, OK fine but don't chastise your husband for being there. If you can find it in your heart to tolerate their presence kill them with kindness & sweetness. No matter what horrible thing they do or say, rise above it (unless it's physical abuse, in which case just walk away & never look back).

 

 

If you can be the bigger person you will set the best example for your children. It will be an anti-bullying message, a self esteem lesson & a model of compassion.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

So you all pretty much told her that she is the difficult person and that she should suck it up and accept the fact that these people are her husband's family so she should respect them. What if she has treated them nicely from the start but they have shown very clearly they don't like her or approve her as a wife of her H? If she has tried to be friendly and create a good relationship but they were distant and were saying bad things about her to her husband? Would you still say that she has to suck it up cause they're family? What are the limits that a guy has to have between family and his wife? (I made it more general now).

 

Yeah they pretty much did.

 

I guess they must have horrible FOO and expect their spouses to just take it too.

 

Abusive. And if you actually expect this, you don't love your spouse and should never have married. Why are people SO afraid to tell their FOO to grow up and back off?

[Realist3]

I HATE when my husband spends time with his family

 

My husband and I have had problems with his family for a long time (we are together 28 years, married for 25). Bottom line-they don't like me and I don't like them....he actually does not like them either. They are like strangers to my kids and show strong favoritism to the other grandchildren. They have been downright disrespectful to me throughout the years. Even his siblings make me sick...especially one who has always been a selfish little b**ch (the "baby" of the family). I refuse to be around them anymore and it really bothers me that DH still makes time to see and be with these people. We live in different states, so it is not a regular thing, but he does talk a few times a week to "baby sister". She has been downright nasty and rotten to me (and DH too), but DH still has a relationship with her because he "loves" her "because she is his sister". He always tries to tell me that she has changed and is now a wonderful new person. Ms. wonderful has apologized to him for her past behavior, but never to me. She is still the selfish, witch she always was in my eyes and I hate her and all of them. He always tells me that he doesn't like them, but since they are his family he loves them and he has to be around them, to set a good example for our kids. I actually hate him when he is around them and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like he is betraying me by having a relationship with them since they have been so nasty and evil to me throughout the time I have known them. I don't know how to handle my feelings of betrayal.....

 

I think you might want to re-examine who the selfish one in all of this little dance is.

 

They are his family. You feel betrayed because stays in contact with HIS FAMILY? It is absolutely NONE of your business what he decides with HIS FAMILY. And you certainly have no right to make him feel like he is betraying YOU over his relationships with HIS FAMILY.

 

It is all about you and how you feel. Evidently your husband feels differently; you should try and respect and support his decisions about what he does with HIS FAMILY.

[dreamingoftigers]

My husband and I both have ridiculous FOO dynamics.

 

We've both stood up to our own families and each other's at times.

 

The most recent of which was from myself to my mother in law last Christmas.

(Don't worry, she's a Jehovah's Witness, it's not like I knocked over the tree with the turkey-carving knife and went ballistic.)

 

Truth is, my father goes ballistic and controlling and so does his mother. Both even make public scenes.

 

It's a necessary evil sometimes to leave, or simply quell the fury. Honestly, if left to it, they don't stop if efforts to be intrusive, rude, raging and unreasonable.

 

I actually suspect they have the same mental disorder so to me it isn't "keeping my husband away from his family" etc. and I don't feel "betrayed" when he contacts her etc. even though she has treated me like crap in serious ways previously.

 

Neither does my husband consider it to be a betrayal to have a limited relationship with my parents (my mother goes along with whatever nutbag thing that Dad decides and he has historically been beyond ignorant to my husband, and I have reacted very strongly and cut ties over it. It took a LONG time for my father to accept that I wasn't going to allow him to try whatsoever to push my mate around. And I am very proud of how my husband has stood his ground against him for 8 years running without getting aggressive or unreasonable with him, even when my father has brought aggression and violently drunk into a situation.

 

In fact my father once went to smash out my front window of my car with a crowbar because he didn't want my husband to leave a confrontation MENTAL DISORDER). My husband doesn't make conflict with him or let him walk all over him either. )

 

We just view our in laws as "difficult people we deal with as part if the family package."

 

Our relationships with them are relative. As in, "are we doing better than last year when she freaked out in a Chinese restaurant at the waiter to the point where I tipped him a huge amount for having to deal with her? And they asked us to leave? Are we better than that? Good."

 

They do not play any major roles in our day-to-day life even though both have actually pushed for it in a toxic way at different times. We have our own life and own issues.

 

I understand being angry, but if your husband is contacting his family and leaving you out of it for the most part, I can see being upset by it. But HATE is pretty strong.

 

As well, if your husband has given them another chance, what had happened so terrible that you can't?

 

In my life, I break down the contacts I have with both my father and mother-in-law into their own individual segments.

 

If I kept track of their history with me, (ha!) I could resent them for an eternity.

 

I also have enough sense to realize that they DON'T GET IT and likely NEVER WILL. They are simply too self-absorbed, aggressive and screwed-up.

 

So what I do, is hold them at arms length. Set my boundaries of what I will and won't tolerate with them, and go from there.

I NEVER deal with my Dad if I suspect he's been drinking.

He also isn't allowed to just come into my place. Period.

 

My mother-in-law's contact with me ends the moment she starts talking disgusting ways about my husband (even if it's a way to suck up or aggrandize me). Same deal if she is nasty to me in any way. And trust me, she tested me. Last year was so mental the way she acted that I used to call her monthly. I've talked to her maybe 3 times the whole year. If I am not in the mood to listen to her "poor me, everyone just does awful things to my innocent self" I don't. I simply don't.

 

I know a relationship with her is important to my husband. He didn't talk to her for a little while either.

 

There can't be "no consequences" to having a relative like this. And it's so tough to handle. (Especially if it's regular). But it doesn't need to be scorched Earth either.

 

We are only on this planet for a finite time, and if there's a chance of getting joy within family, take it. Take it and dump out the bad. Ignore what you can, stand up for what you can't. Make your lines clear and enforce them.

 

Another thing: we don't try to "sell" our families to one another. Periodically, I like it when my husband accompanies me to family gatherings. In fact, my parents actually had him at my Dad's birthday party this past year when I wasn't in town.

 

He was pretty clear with me that if my Dad got ignorant, he was taking our daughter and going home. Well, duh. And honestly I thought my Dad might. Bit they were fine and didn't have anything negative to say about Mitch either. So it CAN happen. But it takes all parties co-operating.

 

He doesn't push the relationship between my MIL and me either. But I go with him to see her. (Unless she's being a real pill. Sometimes we go together and grit our teeth for a bit until she crosses a line).

[d0nnivain]

Are you ****ing kidding me? Really? If you would expect your spouse to take that kind of treatment from your FOO, then you must have some serious mental issues. That is abusive

 

 

I re-read the OP's post. She said the family is disrespectful but didn't give examples. She said the family favors the other grandkids; again no examples. She also called the baby sister a "spoiled B1tch" but didn't explain what lead to that conclusion; she also said that the baby sister apologized to the husband for past transgressions. I think that's a start but the OP apparently wasn't interested because the apology wasn't delivered to her personally. That type of petty viewpoint makes me wonder if this is as one-sided as the OP claims. Without knowing the whole story it's hard to say who's at fault or offer a meaningful solution.

 

 

I saw an angry person in the OP and an even angrier one in you, DaisyLeigh1967. I do agree with you that boundaries are important & people need to stand up for themselves. The spouse who's family is being inappropriate also has an obligation to stick up for the wronged spouse. However, I also believe that somebody has to be a peace maker otherwise the bad behavior will continue without a resolution ever.

 

 

Killing the other side with kindness while still maintaining boundaries is possible. I have a toxic cousin & I put up with a lot from her for years until one day I said I'd had enough. She'd still rant & carry on but my usual response became "I'm sorry you feel that way" as I continued doing whatever it was she was mad about.

[dreamingoftigers]

I re-read the OP's post. She said the family is disrespectful but didn't give examples. She said the family favors the other grandkids; again no examples. She also called the baby sister a "spoiled B1tch" but didn't explain what lead to that conclusion; she also said that the baby sister apologized to the husband for past transgressions. I think that's a start but the OP apparently wasn't interested because the apology wasn't delivered to her personally. That type of petty viewpoint makes me wonder if this is as one-sided as the OP claims. Without knowing the whole story it's hard to say who's at fault or offer a meaningful solution.

 

 

I saw an angry person in the OP and an even angrier one in you, DaisyLeigh1967. I do agree with you that boundaries are important & people need to stand up for themselves. The spouse who's family is being inappropriate also has an obligation to stick up for the wronged spouse. However, I also believe that somebody has to be a peace maker otherwise the bad behavior will continue without a resolution ever.

 

 

Killing the other side with kindness while still maintaining boundaries is possible. I have a toxic cousin & I put up with a lot from her for years until one day I said I'd had enough. She'd still rant & carry on but my usual response became "I'm sorry you feel that way" as I continued doing whatever it was she was mad about.

Sometimes the resolution is to permanently cut all ties though.

 

If my father was still singing the same "I am going to beat up/make a false report against/hurt your husband in some way" frigging stupidity, I'd have no issue tossing any association with him in the garbage heap. And my mother too if she continued to stand by it. Which historically she has.

 

My father is like this with everyone.

Places off of the top of my head where he's gotten in fights and the police were called:

 

Bumper to Bumper

A VCR repair shop

His home

The provincial legislature building (in all fairness he did win a lawsuit against them in the future, what they were offering him was a joke but still YOU DON'T START FIGHTS).

Gondola Pizza

The neighbour's house, threatening him with a bat.

 

Sometimes people are just nuts and they need to be left alone.

However, my Dad did get anger help through a domestic violence course and relapse prevention. (Which was actually funny because he and my husband were ordered to attend the same relapse prevention course by social services because my Dad had alcohol issues and my husband had relapsed and then recovered again. But my Dad reported him and then ended up having to attend classes with him).

 

If my Dads behaviour was trying to play baseball in January on my doorstep, you can bet that would be IT.

[MissBee]

I haven't really seen specific examples of where they treat you badly or why you dislike them so much; but point is, family is family and I wouldn't marry a man whose family hated me and if for some reason I did, I would find ways to tolerate them, as I cannot and do not expect someone to forsake their parents and siblings for me.

 

You all have been together almost 30 years, how have you handled it this entire time?If you've handled it thus far, then what's stopping you from continuing to do so?

 

Are you around his family when he is? If you don't like them, don't hang around them, but you shouldn't try to stop him from having a relationship with them.

[Iguanna]

So what can you do if you have been friendly but you feel already rejected by your bf's / husband's family whatever you do?

[d0nnivain]

So what can you do if you have been friendly but you feel already rejected by your bf's / husband's family whatever you do?

 

First you talk to your man about it. It may be all in your head. We can all be oversensitive at times. A good guy will ask his family to be more welcoming & receptive.

 

 

You also look at how you behave toward them. Are you gracious & respectful to the parents? If not, start.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I am no longer angry. They learned, after many years, that I would no longer take their **** with a smile and ask for more.

 

There have been no more incidents since I decided enough was enough. Sometimes, you have to take up for yourself. You teach people how to treat you.

[Woggle]

I'm glad that I get along lovely with my in laws. They are wonderful people. I don't even get along with 99% of my own family so I don't expect my wife to.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

This issue is close to my heart. I cannot stand bullies and spouses who don't love their spouse enough to tell their FOO to stuff it.

 

If you allow your FOO to bully, berate or otherwise mistreat your spouse, you do not love them, you should never have married.

 

When you marry your spouse becomes priority. Your marriage becomes priority. The feelings of your spouse trump the needs of your FOO to be disgusting bullies.

 

If you feel your FOO should be allowed to do these things then please do the world a favor and stay unmarried and do not procreate.

Edited December 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Editorial comments redacted

[Elliotte]

I am sure the problem is coming from both ends.

 

My mom has always been a very crazy woman, and whenever I was in a relationship she would ALWAYS act jealous, something between moms and their son's girlfriends breeds conflict (I am guessing it is the same with dads and their daughter's bfs!), but my mom would spout off anytime I didn't do what she wanted she would act like I was a horrible person for favoring spending time with my fiance who lives with me, versus bending over backwards for my mom! She really was one of those people who thought the whole family revolved around her and was supposed to do what she wanted or she would throw a fit!

 

She started going crazy at a very sensitive time in my relationship with my then-fiance. We put our foot down and cut off interaction for a long time until my mom could sort through her issues and clean up her house properly (she was a hoarder). It was rough for a long while, but we kept to enforcing our boundaries and she finally respected them. Now I am slowly re-establishing some contact, while maintaining the boundaries we set up.

 

On the other hand, my wife considers the bridge completely burnt and never wants to see my mom again, or let her see any future kids we have together. Which is extreme too and my wife certainly needs to learn some forgiveness eventually.

 

I think as a husband I have to stick up for my wife when she is disrespected by my FOO. A lot of times a family tends to have issues accepting the new spouse and it can really hurt the marriage. If you devote your life to this person moving forward, your family comes first and your FOO second. But when you marry someone, you marry everything about that person, so you have to accept that their family is connected to you now, and you have to figure out how that connection can work.

 

In the OP's case it's not like her husband's family was abusive, other than maybe a bit verbally. This isn't a lost cause like some families I encountered where much much worse things happened. No one is BETRAYING you, you need to set up boundaries but either let your husband do his family stuff, or learn to get along with them a little, from your post it certainly doesn't seem like the disrespect is 100% on their side.

[janedoe67]

Thing is, the OP doesn't have to see them. She wants her HUSBAND to never see his family. That's not her call.

 

And honestly, I wouldn't call a civil relationship with my IL's because they "know I won't take their bull**** anymore" exactly a warm relationship. They're probably scared to say much.

 

If her hubby isn't forcing her along on these visits and isn't forcing her to talk on these phone calls, then she needs to get a grip.

[William]

It appears the new member who posted this has not returned to engage so we'll close this for now.