Should I just get over my trust issues?

[giterdone]

About a month ago, I was in my boyfriends email searching for a old email and found a subscription to a sex dating site (mate1.com). I thought that maybe it was just an old thing BUT, I went into it and looked at his profile. A couple things like his birthday, zipcode, etc. were wrong but, the profile and everything had been made that week. Of course I freaked out on him and was going to leave him (we have been together for a year and a half.. and I am currently living with him). He kept saying that he didn't know anything about it, blah, blah, blah. He said that he hadn't changed his password in over 3 years and his ex knew it. I would not put it past his ex to devise some awful plan as this to screw up his life. So, I decided to give him another chance even though I already have trust issues to begin with. Am I a fool? And how do I get this out of my brain? I also went into his ex's email and she had not been on it or checked it for ages. But, my boyfriend did say that she had another one. He doesn't even give any signs that he is interested in cheating. We have sex ALOT, and he has never been abusive. Does anyone know how I can possibly move on and trust him again? Or should I?

[SoleMate]

Well, if everything else in your relationship is good, and there is no other evidence of intended cheating, then I would take seriously the theory that someone is trying to cause trouble between you two. I definitely wouldn't dump an otherwise good bf on the basis of this flimsy material. It's really easy for an angry person to sign someone else up on one of these sites, and even confirm it if she knows his password.

 

However, I would advise some practical measures that will reduce the chance of future email and other problems.

 

* Your bf must change his passwords and delete any dating site material he knows about (no matter how old)

 

* Work on your relationship in the sense of making sure that you both know and meet the other person's needs

 

A final thought: I don't ever recommend forcing yourself, or even talking yourself into, trusting someone. Trust should develop naturally through being earned over time. If you have "trust issues", what does that mean? You don't trust your own opinion of whether or not someone is worthy of trust?

[giterdone]

Well, "trust issues" for me is that I have a very hard time of trusting people rather they be friends or lovers. My last relationship I was cheated on as well as on a couple others. I think I am just being over paranoid about this situation. He did change all of his passwords so only him and I both know the password to it. Maybe I should just let everything go and trust him completely and if he wrongs me, then at least I can say I gave my all to him.

[SoleMate]

Maybe I should just let everything go and trust him completely and if he wrongs me, then at least I can say I gave my all to him.

I wouldn't. Let him earn your trust. Don't give it away blindly.

[ollydolly]

Yeah I agree with the shoe lady. If your trust alarm is being hit often with this guy, it is probably your intuition letting you know that he MAY be untrustworthy. It sounds as though you've been hurt before - so the alarm will ring louder in you.

 

Remember that you can only trust a person when the FACTS of their behaviour deserve it. Blind trust is a dangerous thing and men are very good liars when they think a woman might leave them if they "find out" what they are really like. You probably don't have "trust issues". You just know that not all human beings are honest.

 

I beat myself up once about not quite being able to trust someone - I even went to a counsellor about my so-called "trust issues". Turned out that I was being deceived quite badly and my intuition had been alerting me to the fact all along - though it was another year before I had this confirmed. Take care.