Placing Blame

[experiencethedevine]

It is common for the BS to place blame initially firmly at the door of the OW/M rather than where it needs to be, rightly at the feet of the MM/W.

 

This tends to be the brain's safety circuit in action, saving the sanity of the one who has discovered the affair temporarily as shock sets in.

 

Most BS after a period, can function more rationally and clearly and are able to see that the responsibility lies firmly with their errant husband or wife.

 

Diversity is my question here. If this did indeed happen for you, how long did it take before your interpretation of the situation changed? Did you get 'stuck' in the blame cycle? What if anything, brought about your own epiphany?

[yellowmaverick]

It is common for the BS to place blame initially firmly at the door of the OW/M rather than where it needs to be, rightly at the feet of the MM/W.

 

This tends to be the brain's safety circuit in action, saving the sanity of the one who has discovered the affair temporarily as shock sets in.

 

Most BS after a period, can function more rationally and clearly and are able to see that the responsibility lies firmly with their errant husband or wife.

 

Diversity is my question here. If this did indeed happen for you, how long did it take before your interpretation of the situation changed? Did you get 'stuck' in the blame cycle? What if anything, brought about your own epiphany?

 

I don't know where you get the idea that it is "common" for a BS to place the blame "firmly at the door of the OW". I heard read hundreds of threads and have participated in a support group and have NEVER ONCE seen or heard this. There are certainly those of us who put blame for the choice to engage in an affair on BOTH partners in the affair. I am one who has the opinion that everyone should be held accountable for their choices, despite claims by certain OW that they were somehow "forced" to have sex with a married man. For both partners - you did it, you own it.

[experiencethedevine]

I don't know where you get the idea that it is "common" for a BS to place the blame "firmly at the door of the OW". I heard read hundreds of threads and have participated in a support group and have NEVER ONCE seen or heard this. There are certainly those of us who put blame for the choice to engage in an affair on BOTH partners in the affair. I am one who has the opinion that everyone should be held accountable for their choices, despite claims by certain OW that they were somehow "forced" to have sex with a married man. For both partners - you did it, you own it.

 

Perhaps my terminology was not quite what I had intended. I certainly didn't intend to allude that ALL responsibility is directed at the other person, rather that it is my professional experience that the largest proportion of the responsibility is initially directed at the AP by virtue of shock symptoms and reactions.

 

It was not my intention to cause any offence with the enquiry, and if I have misguided you in the phrasing of it, my apologies.

[Raena]

As you are well aware, on here I've spent a great deal of time blaming the OW. But the reality is right from the get go I blamed him too. The difference is, I tell him to his face what I think about what he did. I can't do that with her so I write about it on here.

 

I think that it is completely dependent upon how the affair rolled out, how the WS behaves and explains it and on how the OW/OM behaves and explains it.

 

I wouldn't have blamed her at all if he hadn't told me that she threw herself at him, that they made a pact together for it to only be sex, that she knew he and I were together the entire time and then on top of it, her behavior during the affair towards me and now afterwards. He lied and gives me no reason NOT to blame him. She lies and acts like I'm an intruder in their relationship so I also blame her.

 

This is how I see it... he and I are each 50% responsible for how OUR relationship went. (the lack of communication, etc.) They both are each 50% responsible for how things went between them (lying to each other, lying to their spouses, choosing to cheat anyway) But in the end... he is 100% responsible for his choice to cheat on me.

 

How long did it take me to realize this? Well, I'm guessing right now since this is the first time I'm really writing about this and saying it... so 3 weeks after him moving out.

[yellowmaverick]

Perhaps my terminology was not quite what I had intended. I certainly didn't intend to allude that ALL responsibility is directed at the other person, rather that it is my professional experience that the largest proportion of the responsibility is initially directed at the AP by virtue of shock symptoms and reactions.

 

It was not my intention to cause any offence with the enquiry, and if I have misguided you in the phrasing of it, my apologies.

 

^^This is why I am not a believer in counseling.

[rumbleseat]

In my opinion, each party is 100% to blame for their own actions and choices. The mm is 100% responsible for the pain and fallout from his actions, and the same is true of the ow. Just as a mm can't place the blame on the ow for somehow "seducing" him against his will, the same can be said for the ow. She can't blame the mm for somehow" seducing" her against her will. Unless he lied to her and said he wasn't married, she went in eyes wide open.

 

As for the bs, she (or he) can assign blame in anyway they see fit, so long as it realistically matches the truth of the situation. In each situation, things will be different, the on constant being that the ws is 100% responsible for their own actions. The same is true of the om/ow.

[experiencethedevine]

^^This is why I am not a believer in counseling.

 

 

I understand of course, counselling is not the answer for every individual. Your comments are acknowledged and respected, though I am not actually a counsellor. I am a medical professional, but thankyou.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I don't know if blame is accurate. It is probably more anger is directed at the AP than the WS. And even that is not accurate enough. Anger is usually the only emotion that a BS shows towards the AP. Where there is usually a gamut of emotions that are felt towards the WS.

 

Because simply, the relationship between a BS and WS is much more complicated, and complex. It has years of history and is layered.

 

On the other hand, in most cases the relationship that a BS has with the AP is only concerning the affair, so naturally those are the only emotions that one has in regard to that person.

[Woggle]

I don't blame the one OM I caught. He finally found somebody that can tolerate his smell.

[dichotomy]

Blame not really, well as someone mentioned - anger, and for me much focus of thoughts. I thing in many ways OM was on my mind due to my insecurities and self esteem issues - maybe jealousy and envy - but also simply asking is this really the type of man my wife wants?. He was very much a strong willed player who enjoyed the competition and games - and you want that to stop ...them to stop.

 

So ya OM was alot of focus in the early times But I always understood blame was squarely with WW.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I place the blame on my WW. I also hold the OM culpable for his role. Neither are blameless. Naturally, I view the OM as a low-life POS. That doesn't mean that my WW gets a free pass either.

[painfullyobvious]

I placed the blame of the affair on both because the OM knew she was in a committed relationship. Initially I blamed my girlfriend and only her. She made the choice to cheat and was in our relationship and made the choice to bring another person into the relationship without my knowledge. He knew she was dating someone so that makes him a loser but who choice was it to take the step in betraying me? Other women asked to date me or let it be known they were interested in me and I informed them I was in a relationship or rejected their advances. Something my ex failed to learn or do. If I had cheated it would be my choice. My responsibility my blame.

 

 

As time went by my anger started to build as a result of attempting to reconcile and I still cared for my girlfriend and wanted to place my anger onto someone or something. It was easy to hate the OM because I could not channel my anger at the person who deserved it most because I was attempting to recover our relationship. We fought, argued and tried reconciling but I was unable to fully recover or trust again. I was still too angry and betrayed. Sure the OM was a scumbag but it was her decision to cheat. She had a choice to reject his advances or stay committed and she choose attention and eventually cheating. Looking back now I place most of the blame on her and less than five percent on him.

[whatatangledweb]

I placed the blame on both of them. He got 100 percent for betraying me.

[krazikat]

I blamed my husband 100%....this was no easy decision to r...I wanted him gone. I flipped out.

 

As for the ow, she proved to me during our conversation that she was a trashy drunk **** so I lost my ****....for example she asked me how I liked the taste of her p***y, lied about numerous things ( I had accessed text messages between them and knew certain facts but she didnt know) and basically was flipping out at me and trash talking me like I was intruding on her relationship. She was foul, so my anger towards her was because of who she was and what she said and I am glad it was over the phone and not in person because I could have ended up in jail, it was that bad, and I am not even that type of person.

[experiencethedevine]

I blamed my husband 100%....this was no easy decision to r...I wanted him gone. I flipped out.

 

As for the ow, she proved to me during our conversation that she was a trashy drunk **** so I lost my ****....for example she asked me how I liked the taste of her p***y, lied about numerous things ( I had accessed text messages between them and knew certain facts but she didnt know) and basically was flipping out at me and trash talking me like I was intruding on her relationship. She was foul, so my anger towards her was because of who she was and what she said and I am glad it was over the phone and not in person because I could have ended up in jail, it was that bad, and I am not even that type of person.

 

What an horrific experience krazikat. I had a crazy one too. Still appears on occasion!

 

Blame should indeed be placed at the feet of the perpetrator.

[lifelesson101]

Years ago my husband had an affair. When I found out I was shocked in many ways and not so much in other ways. Things were rocky between us. Initially, I blamed him for being a coward. The blaming quickly turned to anger and disgust as details started to come out about the affair. I learned he had been having unprotected sex for two years with another woman. He even disclosed they had had intercourse with no protection while she was menstruating. Kicked his ass to the curb and started divorce proceedings within weeks of affair discovery. We never tried to reconcile and I never let him touch me again. I was bitter and angry back then, but I was never consumed with blaming him or her. By the way, they are still together and happy. I have made my peace, it was ages ago.

[krazikat]

What an horrific experience krazikat. I had a crazy one too. Still appears on occasion!

 

Blame should indeed be placed at the feet of the perpetrator.

 

I suspect mine still calls from time to time as I will get calls from blocked numbers where the caller doesnt hang up but doesnt speak, I will hear breathing and background noise. She is a real piece of work so I do think it is her.

 

And I also looked at my h sideways because of his choice in ap...it is like a bad cliche.

[Realist3]

It is common for the BS to place blame initially firmly at the door of the OW/M rather than where it needs to be, rightly at the feet of the MM/W.

 

This tends to be the brain's safety circuit in action, saving the sanity of the one who has discovered the affair temporarily as shock sets in.

 

Most BS after a period, can function more rationally and clearly and are able to see that the responsibility lies firmly with their errant husband or wife.

 

[Diversity is my question here. If this did indeed happen for you, how long did it take before your interpretation of the situation changed? Did you get 'stuck' in the blame cycle? What if anything, brought about your own epiphany?

 

Where does the BS own up to their position? Not the choice , bit the position./

[Raena]

I blamed my husband 100%....this was no easy decision to r...I wanted him gone. I flipped out.

 

As for the ow, she proved to me during our conversation that she was a trashy drunk **** so I lost my ****....for example she asked me how I liked the taste of her p***y, lied about numerous things ( I had accessed text messages between them and knew certain facts but she didnt know) and basically was flipping out at me and trash talking me like I was intruding on her relationship. She was foul, so my anger towards her was because of who she was and what she said and I am glad it was over the phone and not in person because I could have ended up in jail, it was that bad, and I am not even that type of person.

 

Oh wow... see now I know why you get what I've been going through. That woman sounds like a real piece of work. The OW in my sitch basically said the same thing... that I intruded on her relationship with him. I was so mad when she said that. She had the nerve to post a meme on twitter that said this "Once upon a time there was boy and a girl who fell in love. Then along came a slut who ruined everything. The end." The irony of the OW posting this and acting as if I was the slut who ruined her relationship was not lost on me. She actually believed that I was the root of the problems they were having... that if I would just "get over it" and "walk away" they they could live happily ever after. I'm still shaking my head over the actions of this foolish little girl.

 

And she hasn't let up either. She stole my number out of his phone and made sure to contact me... all to tell me to stop looking at her twitter and to leave her and "her man" alone. I don't even look at it anymore and I could care less what goes on with them, but wow, she's just obsessed with me. He's been out of the house for 3 weeks and she's still obsessing over me. I'm thinking she better get over it because I'm not going anywhere.. we have a child together and we will have to deal with each other the rest of our lives. Whether she likes it or not.

 

See now... these are the kind of woman that make BS's have hatred towards the OW and/or place blame. Sometimes it is really true and deserved.

[Raena]

Where does the BS own up to their position? Not the choice , bit the position./

 

What exactly do you mean by this? What position? The position of being made a fool out of and humiliated by a spouse who didn't have respect for the relationship?

[underwater2010]

For me the blame started with only my FWH. Then as all the details emerged it becam 50/50. After all, it takes two people to have an affair and he sure as the hell didn't lie to her about being married. Many things about her disturbed me....one of them being a married mother.

 

I know she wouldn't want another woman intruding on her marriage, so why intrude on someone else's. that goes for my husband too.

[Raena]

For me the blame started with only my FWH. Then as all the details emerged it becam 50/50. After all, it takes two people to have an affair and he sure as the hell didn't lie to her about being married. Many things about her disturbed me....one of them being a married mother.

 

I know she wouldn't want another woman intruding on her marriage, so why intrude on someone else's. that goes for my husband too.

 

 

Sorry, this has nothing to do with what you posted. What is FWH?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Sorry, this has nothing to do with what you posted. What is FWH?

 

Former wayward husband

[Raena]

Former wayward husband

 

Oh! Ok, thanks for clarifying. It was driving me crazy and I couldn't find it anywhere on the boards.

[krazikat]

Oh wow... see now I know why you get what I've been going through. That woman sounds like a real piece of work. The OW in my sitch basically said the same thing... that I intruded on her relationship with him. I was so mad when she said that. She had the nerve to post a meme on twitter that said this "Once upon a time there was boy and a girl who fell in love. Then along came a slut who ruined everything. The end." The irony of the OW posting this and acting as if I was the slut who ruined her relationship was not lost on me. She actually believed that I was the root of the problems they were having... that if I would just "get over it" and "walk away" they they could live happily ever after. I'm still shaking my head over the actions of this foolish little girl.

 

And she hasn't let up either. She stole my number out of his phone and made sure to contact me... all to tell me to stop looking at her twitter and to leave her and "her man" alone. I don't even look at it anymore and I could care less what goes on with them, but wow, she's just obsessed with me. He's been out of the house for 3 weeks and she's still obsessing over me. I'm thinking she better get over it because I'm not going anywhere.. we have a child together and we will have to deal with each other the rest of our lives. Whether she likes it or not.

 

See now... these are the kind of woman that make BS's have hatred towards the OW and/or place blame. Sometimes it is really true and deserved.

 

yes, I totally get it. I mean really, how the heck do they come up with the nerve to act all crazy to the wife/gf of the cheating man? I was floored at the things his ap said to me, like chin dropped, absolute confusion at her nerve. It was bizarre. It just demonstrates the crazy mentality some ow have, and there are a few other bs on these boards that have experienced crazy ow behavior, too. I have also seen a few posts by some ow here that make me think they are the type who wont leave the wife alone. Affairs are crazy!

 

I decided to r with my h, and he is to never speak to ow again. He had to change his number, she simply would not get that it was over. Then she started calling me. Blowing up my phone at 4am. Etc. And like I mentioned above I still get random blocked breathing calls. Its great!

 

I hope your looney toon moves on soon. Just ignore as you can, dont respond, if you accidently take a call just immediately hang up once you know who it is. Take the fun out of it.