Placing Blame

[experiencethedevine]

yes, I totally get it. I mean really, how the heck do they come up with the nerve to act all crazy to the wife/gf of the cheating man? I was floored at the things his ap said to me, like chin dropped, absolute confusion at her nerve. It was bizarre. It just demonstrates the crazy mentality some ow have, and there are a few other bs on these boards that have experienced crazy ow behavior, too. I have also seen a few posts by some ow here that make me think they are the type who wont leave the wife alone. Affairs are crazy!

 

I decided to r with my h, and he is to never speak to ow again. He had to change his number, she simply would not get that it was over. Then she started calling me. Blowing up my phone at 4am. Etc. And like I mentioned above I still get random blocked breathing calls. Its great!

 

I hope your looney toon moves on soon. Just ignore as you can, dont respond, if you accidently take a call just immediately hang up once you know who it is. Take the fun out of it.

 

Or leave the phone and go and do something else while she talks to herself..........................

[krazikat]

Or leave the phone and go and do something else while she talks to herself..........................

 

If only there was a way to route the call to her ex so he could here it but psycho ow couldnt hear anything he said so she just kept on going...that could be some funny stuff right there. or record it and send her an email with it attached that warns if she keeps calling you will use it.

[peaksandvalleys]

It is common for the BS to place blame initially firmly at the door of the OW/M rather than where it needs to be, rightly at the feet of the MM/W.

 

This tends to be the brain's safety circuit in action, saving the sanity of the one who has discovered the affair temporarily as shock sets in.

 

Most BS after a period, can function more rationally and clearly and are able to see that the responsibility lies firmly with their errant husband or wife.

 

Diversity is my question here. If this did indeed happen for you, how long did it take before your interpretation of the situation changed? Did you get 'stuck' in the blame cycle? What if anything, brought about your own epiphany?

 

 

Yeah I didn't place all the blame on her either. I placed the blame for her actions on her but thats it. She can't take the blame for his actions. She didn't rape him.

[goodyblue]

I place the blame on my WW. I also hold the OM culpable for his role. Neither are blameless. Naturally, I view the OM as a low-life POS. That doesn't mean that my WW gets a free pass either.

 

Curious if youcall your ww the same names Or is that reserved for OM only? Not a judgement. Curiosity.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Curious if youcall your ww the same names Or is that reserved for OM only? Not a judgement. Curiosity.

 

Different names but same connotation. At least my wife was remorseful and had the balls to take the heat and the name calling. I can't say the same for the OM.

[2.50 a gallon]

It would be too long to go into, however a large majority of the break up of my marriage could be laid at the feet of my Ex's male co-workers. She was definite fold out material, and the first woman to break into what had been an all male work place. First impressions, they saw me as a short skinny guy, married to a knock out 4 inches taller then me. To be honest they thought of me a wimp. And began the attack. No matter what I did they always found something negative to make of it. After awhile, hearing this day after day they slowly got her ear and she began to listen to them.

 

After we broke up I went after their wives and bagged four of them. I wonder who they blamed when their marriages went into the sewer?

[NitroJones]

I gave both equal blame. I blamed him 100 percent for the choice he made to go outside of our relationship and create a new one with someone else.

 

I also blame her too not for AF but, because once she knew the truth she decided to continue with the relationship and have a child. What really had me upset is that she was angry with me for contacting her about their relationship she feels that I am no part of, is this chick serious? As you see I am still seething about it. initially she lied about it but once I started probing his our cell phone bill and saw they were still in communication she wanted to get an attitude. (that still strikes me as funny)

 

I understand that she owes me nothing as he made a vow to me, but what about sisterhood and women looking out for one another. I guess that was wishful thinking huh! all I know is, my mother told me it takes two people to start an AF.

[Ap22]

I dont give a damn about the OM. All he did was go after some booty. She gave it to him.

 

Blaming the OM does nothing for me. No. 100% of the blame is on my wife. She made the decision to meet him at a hotel. She made the decision to open her legs to him. She made the decision to lie to me for over a year. I dont give a damn what the OM did. He has no loyalty to me. She, on the other hand, did. She betrayed me.

[Arieswoman]

I apportioned blame about 75/24/1% = exWS/OW/his male work colleagues

 

My husband got the larger score because he initiated it and should have known better.

She was a trashy, potty-mouthed slut who was engaged to another guy so she scored lower in the "blame game". She knew he was married so she still got 24%.

His male work collegues got 1% because they enabled the A to continue, by lying about where he was if I called work, or his sports club. I thought they were our friends and we had entertained them in our home, but obviously they weren't.

[Morgoth]

Discalimer: I am a MM and I have OW.

 

Interesting reading all of this blame. I would say that an affair is owned equally by each partner in the marriage. Certainly one decides to step outside of the marriage because the wife/husband stopped, won't, can't meet their married partner needs.

 

I mean who in their right mind embarks on an affair, takes all the risks of an affair legal/financial/reputation just for the hell of it. I would say to all the BS posting on this thread to look in the mirror and honestly evaluate your role in the decline of the marriage. Did you take care of yourself to remain attractive, did you meet all the sexual and emotional needs of your WS? Or did you put on weight, stop trying, become a naggy unpleasant person? Turn off, tune out and decide that status quo was fine cause you had a ring, a house and kids? In my humble opinion the real blame is equally owned by the married partners.

[Arieswoman]

Morgoth,

I couldn't agree less with your post.

 

The BS is NOT responsible with their WS's decision to embark on an EA..

 

Wharever the problem(s) in the marriage they are not a licence to cheat.

 

The mature, adult course of action is for the person who is unhappy to instigate discussions about what they feel is lacking (for them) in the relationship and then work with the other person to try and fix it.

 

If the other person can't or won't work with the unhappy partner then the UP has a choice as to whether to stay or not. To stay in the relationship and then deceive the BS isn't an answer. All you have then are 3 unhappy and unfulfilled people instead of 2.

 

Cheating is nothing more than a complete betrayal of trust, and no-one deserves such blatant disrespect.

[whatatangledweb]

Discalimer: I am a MM and I have OW.

 

Interesting reading all of this blame. I would say that an affair is owned equally by each partner in the marriage. Certainly one decides to step outside of the marriage because the wife/husband stopped, won't, can't meet their married partner needs.

 

I mean who in their right mind embarks on an affair, takes all the risks of an affair legal/financial/reputation just for the hell of it. I would say to all the BS posting on this thread to look in the mirror and honestly evaluate your role in the decline of the marriage. Did you take care of yourself to remain attractive, did you meet all the sexual and emotional needs of your WS? Or did you put on weight, stop trying, become a naggy unpleasant person? Turn off, tune out and decide that status quo was fine cause you had a ring, a house and kids? In my humble opinion the real blame is equally owned by the married partners.

 

No, I am not to blame for his affair. We had a good marriage. He had a midlife crisis and wanted to see if he could pick someone up in a bar like he could in college. He admits we have a good marriage and that he almost lost it because of selfishness. People do it for many reasons. You can read on this boards from WS who were happy with their marriages and wanted more.

 

As for letting my self go..no. I believe in the saying "what it takes to get me, is what it takes to keep me ". I am 5'5 and I weigh 107 pounds. I workout. I wear makeup and I dress like I always did. I didn't get lazy , gain weight, or stop trying. My husband travels half the week. I work 40 to 60 hours a week. I work around his schedule so I don't work but a few of those hours when he is home. On top of that my home is spotless and I do the majority of all home improvement projects, wood floors, tiling, etc. We travel, spend all our free time together, talking, laughing, living.

 

I looked for something I had done to "cause it". I couldn't think of anything. I asked him over and over "what did I do wrong?" His answer was "Nothing, I was stupid and selfish and I took you for granted, I'm sorry ". The majority of BS do look for any issues they were causing in the marriage.

 

I worked my ass off to make him happy and make life easier for him. He repaid me by cheating on me. So no , he is 100% responsible for cheating.

[experiencethedevine]

Discalimer: I am a MM and I have OW.

 

Interesting reading all of this blame. I would say that an affair is owned equally by each partner in the marriage. Certainly one decides to step outside of the marriage because the wife/husband stopped, won't, can't meet their married partner needs.

 

I mean who in their right mind embarks on an affair, takes all the risks of an affair legal/financial/reputation just for the hell of it. I would say to all the BS posting on this thread to look in the mirror and honestly evaluate your role in the decline of the marriage. Did you take care of yourself to remain attractive, did you meet all the sexual and emotional needs of your WS? Or did you put on weight, stop trying, become a naggy unpleasant person? Turn off, tune out and decide that status quo was fine cause you had a ring, a house and kids? In my humble opinion the real blame is equally owned by the married partners.

 

 

 

 

 

What utter horse manure...........................................................

[experiencethedevine]

No, I am not to blame for his affair. We had a good marriage. He had a midlife crisis and wanted to see if he could pick someone up in a bar like he could in college. He admits we have a good marriage and that he almost lost it because of selfishness. People do it for many reasons. You can read on this boards from WS who were happy with their marriages and wanted more.

 

As for letting my self go..no. I believe in the saying "what it takes to get me, is what it takes to keep me ". I am 5'5 and I weigh 107 pounds. I workout. I wear makeup and I dress like I always did. I didn't get lazy , gain weight, or stop trying. My husband travels half the week. I work 40 to 60 hours a week. I work around his schedule so I don't work but a few of those hours when he is home. On top of that my home is spotless and I do the majority of all home improvement projects, wood floors, tiling, etc. We travel, spend all our free time together, talking, laughing, living.

 

I looked for something I had done to "cause it". I couldn't think of anything. I asked him over and over "what did I do wrong?" His answer was "Nothing, I was stupid and selfish and I took you for granted, I'm sorry ". The majority of BS do look for any issues they were causing in the marriage.

 

I worked my ass off to make him happy and make life easier for him. He repaid me by cheating on me. So no , he is 100% responsible for cheating.

 

 

 

 

You do not have to justify yourself to idiots who have their brains in their trousers my dear......................................

[Raena]

That's right, tell it like it is experiencethedevine...

 

Complete and utter horsecrap to place the blame of a wandering spouse on the BS. I don't care WHAT was going on in the relationship, there is NO excuse for cheating. It's called divorce... use it. Or if you aren't married, walk away first. And if the person means anything to you, then you WORK on it. You don't just choose to sleep with or start up a relationship with someone else and then blame the BS.

 

Classic blame shifting right there.

[experiencethedevine]

Blame shifting is simply a display of narcissistic arrogance to be frank ................

[Raena]

I wonder what the percentage is of those who cheat who could be considered to be narcissistic and arrogant. I imagine it would be a very high percentage.

[experiencethedevine]

Discalimer: I am a MM and I have OW.

 

Interesting reading all of this blame. I would say that an affair is owned equally by each partner in the marriage. Certainly one decides to step outside of the marriage because the wife/husband stopped, won't, can't meet their married partner needs.

 

I mean who in their right mind embarks on an affair, takes all the risks of an affair legal/financial/reputation just for the hell of it. I would say to all the BS posting on this thread to look in the mirror and honestly evaluate your role in the decline of the marriage. Did you take care of yourself to remain attractive, did you meet all the sexual and emotional needs of your WS? Or did you put on weight, stop trying, become a naggy unpleasant person? Turn off, tune out and decide that status quo was fine cause you had a ring, a house and kids? In my humble opinion the real blame is equally owned by the married partners.

 

 

Did the WS turn cart wheels to please his wife? did he lay flowers at her feet every morning before she rose from the marital bed? Did he tell her the moon and the sun shone in her eyes everyday no matter how she felt/looked?

 

 

No..............I Didn't think so.........

 

 

He chose to insert his anatomy inappropriately because he didn't have the guts to end his 'miserable' existence with a woman he married but didn't deserve...........................

[AlwaysGrowing]

Both parties engaged in an affair are 100% responsible for their own actions. There is no division..allocating...blameshifting.

 

No one is only 50%...33 1/3%....responsible for their actions or words. We are all responsible 100% for what we do or say. Try telling a judge that your spouse is 50% responsible for you being caught soliciting a hooker. Never heard of a case where a wife has been ordered to pay 50% of the fine or do 50% of the jail time.

 

Inside a marriage...can there be a dynamic where one is working harder than another...absolutely. However, that dynamic alone is not an accurate barometer as to which party might cheat.

 

Some WS, felt "nagged" at being hounded to address issues and sought solace elsewhere..often a place where... they were told they were damn near perfect and their spouse was "mean". Others, after being rejected numerous times...sought solace elsewhere...to feel validated that the issue was not them.

[underwater2010]

Discalimer: I am a MM and I have OW.

 

Interesting reading all of this blame. I would say that an affair is owned equally by each partner in the marriage. Certainly one decides to step outside of the marriage because the wife/husband stopped, won't, can't meet their married partner needs.

 

 

I always say that the BS can own the actions in the marriage prior to the affair. However, the choice to cheat was yours and yours alone.

 

I mean who in their right mind embarks on an affair, takes all the risks of an affair legal/financial/reputation just for the hell of it. I would say to all the BS posting on this thread to look in the mirror and honestly evaluate your role in the decline of the marriage. Did you take care of yourself to remain attractive, did you meet all the sexual and emotional needs of your WS?

 

 

I was at least 50 pounds lighter than her and I do get hit on daily. I also never turned him down when it came to sex. Even though I was not satisfied 80% of the time when we did have sex. Emotionally I was there and I was working my ass off to support our family.

 

 

Or did you put on weight, stop trying, become a naggy unpleasant person?

 

 

I put on 20 pounds after three kids, but I was under weight to begin with. I have never stopped trying nor was I naggy. In fact, I was more the silent type. Afraid to say anything was bothering me, least I hurt his feelings.

 

 

Turn off, tune out and decide that status quo was fine cause you had a ring, a house and kids?

 

 

Nope...again worked my butt off trying to keep us financially afloat. If anything all the things I did where taken for granted.

 

 

In my humble opinion the real blame is equally owned by the married partners.

 

 

I humbly disagree with you. In fact...take a look in the mirror. Majority of the time a man is not the same as when he got married either. Own your actions or get the hell out. But don't string you spouse along because they don't fit your dream world.

[Morgoth]

I know it must be hard for those of you that responded to my post. However, the point of the post is assessing blame. I am in no way dimishing your pain, troubles or turmoil.

 

I do however stand by my remarks. If 2 marriage partners end up with one stepping outside the marriage, then I do agree that the WS is 100% for taking that action. If you dig deeper though then there is something that has gone awry in the marriage and both marriage partners own it equally, to say otherwise is disingenious, which goes on a lot on this site.

 

Mid life crisis, not staying attractive, letting it go stale, arguing, whatever you want to say, its your marriage you are either engaged in it or you or not, you are either meeting the needs of your partner or you are not.

 

And for those of you that advocate divorce, how many of you pulled that trigger? In my country the divorce and family law is stacked against men, so its not like, Ok I am out of here. So I do what I need too get a long. And if I get discovered I will fix it so I can keep my assets and family in tact.

 

Some of you need to remember we are all adults and keep the discussion mature and adult.

[Zenstudent]

I know it must be hard for those of you that responded to my post. However, the point of the post is assessing blame. I am in no way dimishing your pain, troubles or turmoil.

 

I do however stand by my remarks. If 2 marriage partners end up with one stepping outside the marriage, then I do agree that the WS is 100% for taking that action. If you dig deeper though then there is something that has gone awry in the marriage and both marriage partners own it equally, to say otherwise is disingenious, which goes on a lot on this site.

 

Mid life crisis, not staying attractive, letting it go stale, arguing, whatever you want to say, its your marriage you are either engaged in it or you or not, you are either meeting the needs of your partner or you are not.

 

And for those of you that advocate divorce, how many of you pulled that trigger? In my country the divorce and family law is stacked against men, so its not like, Ok I am out of here. So I do what I need too get a long. And if I get discovered I will fix it so I can keep my assets and family in tact.

 

Some of you need to remember we are all adults and keep the discussion mature and adult.

And betraying people who trust you is adult behavior?

I'd rather not act like an adult

[experiencethedevine]

I know it must be hard for those of you that responded to my post. However, the point of the post is assessing blame. I am in no way dimishing your pain, troubles or turmoil.

 

I do however stand by my remarks. If 2 marriage partners end up with one stepping outside the marriage, then I do agree that the WS is 100% for taking that action. If you dig deeper though then there is something that has gone awry in the marriage and both marriage partners own it equally, to say otherwise is disingenious, which goes on a lot on this site.

 

Mid life crisis, not staying attractive, letting it go stale, arguing, whatever you want to say, its your marriage you are either engaged in it or you or not, you are either meeting the needs of your partner or you are not.

 

And for those of you that advocate divorce, how many of you pulled that trigger? In my country the divorce and family law is stacked against men, so its not like, Ok I am out of here. So I do what I need too get a long. And if I get discovered I will fix it so I can keep my assets and family in tact.

 

Some of you need to remember we are all adults and keep the discussion mature and adult.

 

 

There is a resounding belief here that one takes responsibility for their actions.

 

 

That is not to say that the BS, again, as has been proven here on a multitude of occasions, does not accept their responsibility for the demise of their marriage to the degree that it takes two people to make it work.

 

 

However, given that it takes two to make it, it is blatantly obvious that it only takes one to break it.

 

 

I have witnessed, over and over again, the destruction and devastation an affair leaves behind, even if divorce is inevitable, in my professional life as well as my personal life.

 

 

The 'grown up' thing to do is to face the consequences of your marital demise and end it so that one can buzz off and share body fluids with whomever one so chooses.

 

 

It's all about choices. The WS chooses to be a proven liar and cheat and involved their BS in an open marriage without their knowledge or consent. It isn't rocket science. FACT.

 

 

Face the music and dance..........................

[ComingInHot]

Morgoth wrote, "I mean who in their right mind embarks on an affair, takes all the risks of an affair legal/financial/reputation just for the hell of it. I would say to all the BS posting on this thread to look in the mirror and honestly evaluate your role in the decline of the marriage. Did you take care of yourself to remain attractive, did you meet all the sexual and emotional needs of your WS? Or did you put on weight, stop trying, become a naggy unpleasant person? Turn off, tune out and decide that status quo was fine cause you had a ring, a house and kids? In my humble opinion the real blame is equally owned by the married partners."

 

Holy Mother Morgoth, YOU had better be close to the hottest, sexiest, most intelligent (debateable), and wealthiest man alive to get away with the above remarks.

 

In Truth, for me at least, I AM pretty near AWESOME and NONE of the above EVER pertained to me. Ever. My H still stepped out. Broke it off with exOW. She went off the deep end. AND ALL for him to tap a bit O' younger & strange.

He knew it ABSOLUTELY wasn't worth the risk, BUT then he didn't think he would get caught so there wasn't any risk to consider in his mind.

He didn't think of what exOW would do though... and she is probably the Only reason I Ever would have found out.

 

Anyway, two people engage in an A, 2 people are to blame but boy was I sure WAAAAY more angry at My H than exOW. Probably why I booted him and moved 600 miles away. I am to blame for allowing him a second chance. (doesn't say to much about MY intelligence now does it )*

[AlwaysGrowing]

You can not say the affair was 100% on the WS, then say.... look.....my BS made me do it!

 

An adult can actually hold two whole thoughts in their head at the same time. One...the choice to cheat is on the WS. Two....there can be minor/major issues inside the marriage. Although, not always. Two separate issues.

 

 

In regard to your midlife crisis (both genders), how exactly is a BS supposed to address an internal issue of their spouse, when most mid lifers don't recognize it themselves?