It's not always about sex

[Cinnimon]

I've been reading many threads lately on this forum as well as the infidelity forums. Seen a lot of assumptions, a little bit of name calling. A lot of denial. I have learned a lot.

One thing I would like to address and discuss from my particular situation is the sexual aspect of my A.

I had been having an emotional affair with a MM that lives 3000 miles away from me. We have never met. In the beginning, we were just friends, he was married, I was dating, truly just chatting about life, work,kids, home, friends.....the norm. I can't really say I remember exactly when that all changed into romantic feelings but it did,I think it was after about a year, feelings were declared from both sides.

 

By this point our attachment as well as the feelings had become so strong that it seemed impossible to cut it off although I tried to several times.

Three and a half years later, when he finally said to me point blank, I have decided that I cannot leave my wife (him leaving was what I had been told he had decided to do all along) I walked away.

He would like to continue. I would not. He says he can not live without me in his life. I feel I have to. He is not getting sex from me, never has, however he has gotten something from me or he wouldn't be trying to coax me back in. So in the case of my A, it's not about sex.

One question I would like to ask, if you had never had sex with the AP would your A have survived?

[Nothisgirl]

Absolutely... It's about so much more than sex. I would say that 80% of the time that we see each other there is no sex...and we have a lot of opportunity...some nights we just get into bed and talk, hold each other, whisper and laugh... I think if it was just about sex we both would have walked away a long time ago.

[painfullyobvious]

Most people can walk away relatively quickly from a ONS or sexual encounters. The difficult part of ending affairs is losing the confidant, someone who made you feel wonderful, perhaps boosted a self-esteem or got you through a difficult moment(s) emotionally. Severing emotional ties is by far the harder part of losing a person in a relationship. This is why I believe most affairs start as emotional affairs and then become physical.

It is just the next deeper level of emotional connectedness

 

 

The difficult part of emotional affairs is that when they are prolonged (no sex) the sexual tension seems to build, and build and the emotional part seems to fester and grow deeper. Probably why the sex seems so great and the fact that it is deemed forbidden. I don't think having sex ruins an affair but it is the next major step and no turning back from that step. Some people seem to be more willing to forgive emotional affairs versus physical ones.

 

 

Too bad my ex isn't on here she could give you the answers regarding affairs. She was pretty good at it.

[threelaurels]

I agree that not all As are about sex, but many of them are. When a friendship/EA evolves into a PA, it's most likely not about just sex. When a MM deliberately seeks out women for the purposes of having an A, sex is probably the main motivation (not to say that feelings can't evolve from that). It's difficult to say which is the more common scenario. If you look at dating sites or even on craigslist, you'll see an overwhelming number of MM seeking out sex with the disclaimer that they are "happily married and not looking to change it" on their posts/profiles (). The prevalence of the other type(s) just isn't something you can easily determine due to the secrecy.

[Daisy2013]

One question I would like to ask, if you had never had sex with the AP would your A have survived?

 

Yes. We didn't have sex, although a lot of cuddling and much physical intimacy. There was nothing better than just being in his arms and talking, or just being quiet and snuggling. He used to enjoy at how it made me feel at such peace to be held in his arms. Sometimes I would cry just because I was overcome with emotion. We were and remain best friends and talk. I'm pretty certain that the reason we didn't have actual sex is because he did feel some guilt of our A and having sex would be the last line to cross. But our R wasn't about sex, which is why once he told me he couldn't break his commitment and go through another divorce, we can remain friends. I know he loves me, but he loves his W too, even if he won't tell me he does.

[synes]

Absolutely, the emotional attachment is by far stronger than the physical desire, this is what keeps us in relationships until we are old and pass, it's a basic human need to feel close to another, it stands to reason that if this need is not being met in a current relationship then it will be sought elsewhere.

My own A was/is purely emotional, we do not have sex, we do not have much physical contact, we have a closeness, an emotional bond and it is that which is so damn hard to let go of, someone that knows and understands your fears, goals, triumphs... 4 years of EA and letting go means shutting down, not simply giving up scratching an itch.

[Iguanna]

No serious relationship is all about sex. This is invented from betrayed wives who want to downgrade the mistress and claim their husband wants her only for the sex cause this is all she has to offer. Unfortunately this is not always the case.

[sweet_pea]

No serious relationship is all about sex. This is invented from betrayed wives who want to downgrade the mistress and claim their husband wants her only for the sex cause this is all she has to offer. Unfortunately this is not always the case.

 

WHO do you think is telling the betrayed wives that it was just sex, most of the time? ...Exactly.

[Iguanna]

WHO do you think is telling the betrayed wives that it was just sex, most of the time? ...Exactly.

 

Haha true. "OW are only for sex" is a convenient excuse for both BS and MM.

[Popsicle]

I've been reading many threads lately on this forum as well as the infidelity forums. Seen a lot of assumptions, a little bit of name calling. A lot of denial. I have learned a lot.

One thing I would like to address and discuss from my particular situation is the sexual aspect of my A.

I had been having an emotional affair with a MM that lives 3000 miles away from me. We have never met. In the beginning, we were just friends, he was married, I was dating, truly just chatting about life, work,kids, home, friends.....the norm. I can't really say I remember exactly when that all changed into romantic feelings but it did,I think it was after about a year, feelings were declared from both sides.

 

By this point our attachment as well as the feelings had become so strong that it seemed impossible to cut it off although I tried to several times.

Three and a half years later, when he finally said to me point blank, I have decided that I cannot leave my wife (him leaving was what I had been told he had decided to do all along) I walked away.

He would like to continue. I would not. He says he can not live without me in his life. I feel I have to. He is not getting sex from me, never has, however he has gotten something from me or he wouldn't be trying to coax me back in. So in the case of my A, it's not about sex.

One question I would like to ask, if you had never had sex with the AP would your A have survived?

 

First of all, I totally agree with your points. I've seen this many times. This is something men, in particular, have a hard time accepting and believing (that other men just want to have EA's sometimes), so obviously, I think that many A's would survive without sex.

[Mr. Lizard]

Absolutely, the emotional attachment is by far stronger than the physical desire, this is what keeps us in relationships until we are old and pass, it's a basic human need to feel close to another, it stands to reason that if this need is not being met in a current relationship then it will be sought elsewhere.

My own A was/is purely emotional, we do not have sex, we do not have much physical contact, we have a closeness, an emotional bond and it is that which is so damn hard to let go of, someone that knows and understands your fears, goals, triumphs... 4 years of EA and letting go means shutting down, not simply giving up scratching an itch.

 

Absolutely. I am dealing with a weird emotional attachment to a female friend at work. We are really close and share a lot. We get together with our significant others and the whole bit. I started thinking I was in love with her but my feelings for her are different. I care about her a lot but it's more like my little sister versus a sexual desire. I don't even care about sex with her....I truly don't. Yet she's in my thoughts quite frequently.

 

Anyways, emotional attachments are WAY stronger. For me, sexual desires come and go very quickly. Like I see an attractive woman at the store and think yeah..... She'd be fun to roll around with. But it goes away almost immediately.

 

Emotional attachment>>>>>>>>>> sexual attachment.

[experiencethedevine]

Haha true. "OW are only for sex" is a convenient excuse for both BS and MM.

 

 

How can that possibly be an excuse for anyone other than the married man?? His wife has no knowledge that she has been involved in an open marriage without her permission.....................until the ultimate dday.....................

[Iguanna]

How can that possibly be an excuse for anyone other than the married man?? His wife has no knowledge that she has been involved in an open marriage without her permission.....................until the ultimate dday.....................

 

This is not always true. Many (and I mean many) wives know that their husband is not faithful (regardless if they have proof or not, I believe that a woman almost always can feel it, unless the man is too good of an actor) and they choose to act like they don't know for various reasons that are known to all of us. So the excuse she uses is "this other woman is just for sex, she has nothing to offer him, he will f%ck her brains out and then he'll come to me cause he loves me, I'm not just for sex like her".

[threelaurels]

This is not always true. Many (and I mean many) wives know that their husband is not faithful (regardless if they have proof or not, I believe that a woman almost always can feel it, unless the man is too good of an actor) and they choose to act like they don't know for various reasons that are known to all of us. So the excuse she uses is "this other woman is just for sex, she has nothing to offer him, he will f%ck her brains out and then he'll come to me cause he loves me, I'm not just for sex like her".

 

I'm not aware of the reasons why a BS would pretend she doesn't know about an A. What are they? I would think a BS who truly did not care that her H was having an A would at least have a conversation with him about safer sex for her own protection.

 

In my case, I never would have agreed to a threesome with my ex and OW if I knew he had been cheating. My first stop would have been the doctor for an STD test.

[synes]

This is not always true. Many (and I mean many) wives know that their husband is not faithful (regardless if they have proof or not, I believe that a woman almost always can feel it, unless the man is too good of an actor) and they choose to act like they don't know for various reasons that are known to all of us. So the excuse she uses is "this other woman is just for sex, she has nothing to offer him, he will f%ck her brains out and then he'll come to me cause he loves me, I'm not just for sex like her".

 

It also has been known for a bs and ws to use this mindset when vilifying the OW /OM post dday, in R the thought that the ow/om meant nothing and could have been anyone enables the emotional attachment to the bs to be a foundation stone.

[MissBee]

Of course affairs aren't always only about sex. That's the difficult part. That you may have feelings for this person, even love, or they enjoy you and you them because you get someone to talk to, the MP gets someone to listen to them, compliment them whatever it may be, and even with all these other elements, the relationship is still limited. That's the difficult part IMO.

 

It's like even if it is more than just sex, it's still an affair.

[SunshineToday]

Most affairs aren't even about sex. It's almost always because of how the person out cheating with makes you feel about yourself. Suddenly you find yourself wanted, sought after, you (think) you've suddenly become funnier & charming, (all the time believing it because this other person sees this in me!) This cannot compete with my humdrum marriage. (And let me speak from experience once you start an affair your own marriage begans to seem worse and worse...as your spouse isn't a new clean slate only seeing you with your best foot forward, like your AP sees you) It's new, exciting, and a huge ego boost. This is why most affairs happen. Not love, and not sex.

[hayleym]

I see it said often that in affairs we are showing our 'best' self to our AP.

In my case that just isn't true, we both try to do that for sure but since we see each other so often and are so close with each others entire group of friends and family we can't hide anything.

 

We accept each other for exactly who we are. Sex or not, best foot forward, or unshowered, and a bad mood, we love it.

[Cinnimon]

It's sad really, if it really is what Sunshinetoday describes it as. That a mm would cheat on his W just to make some poor unworthy OW feel better about herself. It must feel awful when the BS spouse realizes that her husband just destroyed her whole world because he was bored with his humdrum marriage. Not for love or for sex, purely to benefit the OW and her ego. I'm sure it affects the BS's ego as well to know that the WS felt that the OW ego was more important than his own wife. Definitely sad.

[Mr. Lizard]

It's sad really, if it really is what Sunshinetoday describes it as. That a mm would cheat on his W just to make some poor unworthy OW feel better about herself. It must feel awful when the BS spouse realizes that her husband just destroyed her whole world because he was bored with his humdrum marriage. Not for love or for sex, purely to benefit the OW and her ego. I'm sure it affects the BS's ego as well to know that the WS felt that the OW ego was more important than his own wife. Definitely sad.

 

Yeah, that is sad. I tell ya though, some of what sunshine said did ring true. When we develop an emotional attraction to someone it is almost always because they fill an immediate need for us. Nurturing us, laughing at our jokes, being silly and unpretentious. It's intoxicating and it's exactly what I'm going through. This other person is seemingly heaven sent.

 

Limerence partially describes this type of arrangement. When you are not looking for sex, you are looking for acknowledgement from this person and you are looking for gratification from them. You wish to solve their problems and be that savior.

 

Sad though, if it really is just an ego thing though. Bleh.

[sweet_pea]

It's sad really, if it really is what Sunshinetoday describes it as. That a mm would cheat on his W just to make some poor unworthy OW feel better about herself. It must feel awful when the BS spouse realizes that her husband just destroyed her whole world because he was bored with his humdrum marriage. Not for love or for sex, purely to benefit the OW and her ego. I'm sure it affects the BS's ego as well to know that the WS felt that the OW ego was more important than his own wife. Definitely sad.

 

Where did you pull that from? Are we reading the same post from Sunshine? I guess I interpreted it differently. I see her saying the affair is about how the AP makes the WS feel, not the other way around.

 

However, yeah, it does feel awful for a BS to find out that their spouse has destroyed their whole world, point blank and yes it hurts the ego, just like I'm sure it hurts the egos of many APs when they see that their relationship wasn't important enough for MM to leave his marriage.

 

But I agree, very sad indeed.