what should i do?

[Jonnnnn]

Yo guys,

 

I'm 20, and in university.

 

I've been having sex with this girl named Kirsten for the past 2 months or so. The first time we had sex I was very drunk and she came back to my place from the bar. She was a virgin at the time. We have been having amazing sex, but I made it clear to her that I just want to be pleasurable friends, and she was completely okay with it. She said for us to tell eachother if we ever meet someone else ro do things with other people, which makes sense.

 

My ex (who I was deeply in love with) came over once about a month and a half ago and we hung out for awhile and ended up kissing and having sex, then the next day we got back together. I told Kelly about it, and said that it wouldn't be a good idea for us to have sex anymore! She seemed okay with that, understanding that I love her and didn't foresee this happening, but she was upset on the inside. Then the day after that, my ex said she wasn't sure about things again and broke up with me again.

 

So I told Kelly and we started having amazing sex again.

 

In December, we left to come home for Christmas vacation. I was pretty sure she'd end up messing around with other guys, because she seems to have a lot of stories about giving guys head back home. I've told her many times "you seem to fool around with a lot of guys. You have a lot of stories about giving guys head..." and she said "Yeah, I used to give my boyfriends head so they wouldn't break up with me". Which is a terrible thing to do to yourself (if she's telling the truth), and I told her that. So on Boxing Day, she got drunk and went to some dance and ended up kissing her ex, who she went out with last year, and claims that she loves. She said they would still be together if he didn't have a kid to take care of (he is a cocaine addict and has a child). She told me about this, and I was very upset, both because of diseases I could get from a cokehead with a kid, and because I was jealous. Here is part of the conversation went:

 

me: I don't want to, but I can't have sex with you again. or kiss or any of that stuff.

Kelly: why, because I hurt you or because I kissed matt again?

me: because you kissed him, and probably gave him head

Kelly: no, probably kissed.

 

she said "we kissed and touched then I stopped and said no because all I could think about was you the whole time, then he tried to keep going and I got mad and we argued then stopped". The next day, we talked and I told her that I didn't believe she didn't give him head, and I thought she was lieing and might have even had sex with him for all I knew. Then she admitted to giving him head, but said that he didn't cum in her mouth. She still claims he didn't cum, and that they didn't have sex.

 

This made me furious that she lied to me, because she could have lied the whole time. She could have been having sex with 4 other guys for the past couple months, and she could have had sex with that guy. She compared the relationship she had with him to Michelle and mine's. She said "I still care about him and we would be together but he has to be a man take care of his baby. If it weren't for that then we would be together." I failed to see the comparison, because Michelle and I wouldn't have fooled around if there was no way we were getting back together. She fooled around with her ex knowing that he has a kid and that they couldn't be together. She said she wouldn't have done anything with him if she just knew that I cared about her and wasn't just with her for sex. Lately I've been a lot closer with her, and I've been opening up a lot and I've had fun with her as well as great sex, and that's what I told her. I told her "but you couldn't help it the same way me and Michelle couldn't help it, because you love him right?" and she said "I couldn't help the feelings, but being I was single I didn't help the actions". That seems shady to me.

 

I think that she was just drunk and horny, and that this could happen with any guy. I called her a dirtball and told her I regret having sex with her, and blocked her from my MSN list (we live far away from eachother, but go to the same university, so now we're just talking on MSN).

 

She wrote me an e-mail with the subject "I swear on my father's grave", which is scary, because her father died several years ago. here is what she sad in the e-mail:

 

I am sorry about what happened

I really didn't **** stance or any other guy

Yes I gave head to Matt and was scared to tell you

I never felt so bad in all my life

I don't expect you to **** me again, but you can't hate me just because I like you.

We all make mistakes

 

 

What should I do? This is all I've been thinking about. I told her I wasn't goign to masturbate for our entire vacation so we could have crazy sex like 5 times when we got back to school. Today is Day 15, and I go back to school on Day 18. This has caused me to become easily agitated and frustrated. I might be over-reacting. Am I wrong for being so mad about this? It seems pretty slutty what she is doing, and she lied to me so it wouldn't hurt me...I don't know what to do. Help!

 

Frustrated,

Jon

[Chris_T.]

Ah, youth.

 

Seriously dude, take a little piece of advice from someone who has been there and done that. The both of you are very young. You're both going to...."sow your oats."

 

I went through total hell when I was your age with a girl I thought I loved.

 

My advice to you would be to keep it casual between you two. I know it's easier said than done, believe me. If you care about this girl, then just hang out with her casually. Don't let yourself get invested in her emotionally. You'll wind up with the **** end of the stick. Trust me. Good luck.

[Jonnnnn]

I don't love Kelly though! that's why I don't know if I should be so pissed about this!

 

but she told me she "kissed and touched" and then told me she was implying that she gave him head? and she said the guy is a cokehead with a son! why the hell is she with these people anyway?!

 

we both agreed we were just "pleasurable friends". watching movies at eachother's places, having lots of sex, and sometimes sleeping over.

 

but I'm so pissed that she screwed around with that guy, then tried to hide it. we agreed to be straight up with eachother, and I always was with her. she could have been lieing the whole time about other guys! she could have diseases from that cokehead! plus there's the other side of it, where I want to be the only one she screws around with....but I don't want a relationship though.

 

I'm so confused. should I be so pissed/sad about this?

[Jonnnnn]

we don't have a relationship, which is why I don't know if I should be pissed about this. should I be pissed? She lied about giving him head! she told me that "by kissing and touching, I was implying that I gave him head". She could have been lieing about other guys the whole time! We agreed to be straight up about other people, and I was. That guy is a 22 year old cokehead with a son! He could be riddled with diseases!!!

 

Plus I'm jealous/sad that she messed around with someone else.

 

I think she's really upset about the whole thing. she said this is the only thing in her life she regrets.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by Jonnnnn

I think she's really upset about the whole thing. she said this is the only thing in her life she regrets.

 

I expect she does regret it. With very good reason. She gave her virginity to a guy who used her as his own personal casual sex toy. A guy who told her that she wasn't worth the time or effort of a committed relationship, but that she would be suitable for banging while he kept his options open for other women. A guy who slept with his ex behind her back and then dumped her - and came back when the ex dumped him. A guy who guides the relationship with unfair double standards.

 

What a nightmare. I expect she will regret this one for a long, long time.

[Jonnnnn]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

I expect she does regret it. With very good reason. She gave her virginity to a guy who used her as his own personal casual sex toy. A guy who told her that she wasn't worth the time or effort of a committed relationship, but that she would be suitable for banging while he kept his options open for other women. A guy who slept with his ex behind her back and then dumped her - and came back when the ex dumped him. A guy who guides the relationship with unfair double standards.

 

What a nightmare. I expect she will regret this one for a long, long time.

 

 

She doesn't regret losing her virginity to me. Neither of us wanted a relationship when we had sex the first time. And we agreed that we were friends who aren't seeing other people, I should have clarified that if I didn't all ready.

 

Now for the false accusations I will clarify:

 

I didn't sleep with my ex behind her back. I was straight up about the whole thing.

 

I didn't dump my ex. She knew about Kelly, and she had slept with another guy too since we had broken up. And we had sex because it was making love...we were getting back together. SHE dumped ME because she still wanted to be alone for awhile. And I came back because she invited me over.

 

By her saying "This is the only thing I regret in my life", she meant that the only thing she regrets is giving that guy head because there is no way they can be together and it was pointless and she was thinking about me the whole time, and now I told her I won't do anything with her anymore.

 

 

 

If you're going to reply to my questions with some advice, don't twist my words around and just try to insult me. Find something else to do.

Now, can anyone help?????

[Mustard Bomb]

<Well, first of all, I want to know what happened to kirsten? >

 

Second: ok, let's muddle through this mess to the bottom line. You clearly set out the casual parameters of this relationship, both with your words and actions, and, in my opinion, you have no right to storm about demanding her longing chastity in your absence.

 

If you would be so kind, tell her, for me, she does not have to offer you even one more apology. She was well within her rights in terms of the expectations of this relationship. Tell her she needs to raise her standards for men much, much, higher than it is right now. Tell her to make amends with herself, not with you.

 

If you are f*** buddies, so be it. Use protection, and stop judging her on her actions. Period. She had no reason to confess to you about other guys if you have not made a promise of exclusivity; you have no justification for carrying on and calling her names. She has a right to her experimental oat-sowing sexuality just as much as you do.

 

If this is more than just f*** buddies, start dating as well as having all the sex. Treat her much better. Then, you can have fits about other men.

 

In any event, you must talk about this with her and clearly define the boundaries of this relationship. Be adults; be sophisticated about this. My vote is to let one another alone until you can handle this sort of thing better.

[LucreziaBorgia]

You obviously misread some of my post, but no matter. Of course you were straight up about your ex: the next day after it happened (or at least it sounds that way from your original post). And I didn't say that you broke up with your ex. To clarify: I said that you slept with your ex behind your 'pleasurable friend's' back, and then dumped your 'pleasurable friend' for your ex. Then your ex dumped you. Then you went back to your 'pleasurable friend'.

 

What is it you are needing help with exactly? The lying? Just let her know that you don't like her lying to you, and ask her not to do it again. As for her messing with other guys, well - you defined the whole 'pleasurable friends' thing and if she has other partners there is nothing you can do about it. You'll have to swallow that jealousy and put it aside if you expect to keep it on a casual level.

 

You can't expect her to be monogamous when you have told her that you want to keep it only on a 'pleasurable friends' level. You two agreed that there was the potential for other partners. Now you have to live up to your end of the agreement. You can ask her to be truthful, and you can ask her to be careful with her other partners - but you can't ask her not to see other guys unless you are willing to commit monogamously to her yourself.

[Jonnnnn]

Originally posted by Mustard Bomb

<Well, first of all, I want to know what happened to kirsten?>

 

Second: ok, let's muddle through this mess to the bottom line. You clearly set out the casual parameters of this relationship, both with your words and actions, and, in my opinion, you have no right to storm about demanding her longing chastity in your absence.

 

If you would be so kind, tell her, for me, she does not have to offer you even one more apology. She was well within her rights in terms of the expectations of this relationship. Tell her she needs to raise her standards for men much, much, higher than it is right now. Tell her to make amends with herself, not with you.

 

If you are f*** buddies, so be it. Use protection, and stop judging her on her actions. Period. She had no reason to confess to you about other guys if you have not made a promise of exclusivity; you have no justification for carrying on and calling her names. She has a right to her experimental oat-sowing sexuality just as much as you do.

 

If this is more than just f*** buddies, start dating as well as having all the sex. Treat her much better. Then, you can have fits about other men.

 

In any event, you must talk about this with her and clearly define the boundaries of this relationship. Be adults; be sophisticated about this. My vote is to let one another alone until you can handle this sort of thing better.

 

I changed the names. Kirsten = Kelly. I slipped up there I guess.

 

We did set parameters. We did set boundaries. We were "pleasurable friends", and she was the one who suggested that "we're not together, but we're not seeing anyone else" because right after the stuff with Michelle we talked about everything and cleared it all up. I didn't just have sex with Michelle. And before you say "well, you had sex with Michelle", Michelle and I were getting back together saying we love eachother and stuff. But regardless, I probably am being selfish.

 

Maybe she does need to set her standards way higher. She said she had a long history with that guy, but she says she really wants to stay "pleasurable friends" with me cause guys usually treat her like a piece of meat, but I actually hang out with her and we chill and have a good time.

 

And I'm not "storming about". This is the first time I've had sex with someone that I wasn't in love with, and she went behind my back with the parameters we set to not see other people and tell eachother if we ever do. So I don't know how to act cause I'm not used to it I guess.

 

I think I should be upset about this, it's been bringing me down since it happened. I told her I still want to be friends, but I dont think I could do anything sexual with her again (cause of the disease stuff, the lieing, and fooling around with shady people). Do you think I'm justified that aspect?

[Mustard Bomb]

I was just teasing about the names.

 

Do you think I'm justified that aspect?

 

Yeah, fair enough. It does not sound like a healthy relationship, at all, and I understand the concern about STDs. I don't think you had a right to get mad at her, but I also don't think she needed to tell you about the ex and dramtize it in that kind of casual relationship.

 

Ideally, f*** buddies hang out, can even talk to one another about other guys and girls, and don't get very involved at all. They interest me because this turmoil seems to happen a lot within them.

 

It sounds like you were really happy before, in a romantic long-term relationship. That may be the better path for you?

[Jonnnnn]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

And I didn't say that you broke up with your ex. To clarify: I said that you slept with your ex behind your 'pleasurable friend's' back, and then dumped your 'pleasurable friend' for your ex. Then your ex dumped you. Then you went back to your 'pleasurable friend'.

 

I told my 'pleasurable friend' the day after, cause I didn't know that my ex and were going to get back together. It just happened. I was completely honest about everything.

 

As for her messing with other guys, well - you defined the whole 'pleasurable friends' thing and if she has other partners there is nothing you can do about it. You'll have to swallow that jealousy and put it aside if you expect to keep it on a casual level.

She established that as 'pleasurable friends', we didn't see other people ,and if anything happened sexual, we'd tell eachother everything.

 

You can ask her to be truthful, and you can ask her to be careful with her other partners - but you can't ask her not to see other guys unless you are willing to commit monogamously to her yourself.

You're right. But I haven't been seeing anyone or even looking for anyone since the big scuffle with me ex. But I don't think giving some dirtball head is very careful. I am wondering if I should be able to just put this whole thing behind me? Or if I should be really hesistant about doing things with her again?

She said she lied to me because she didn't want to hurt me. Is that a trustworthy explanation?

 

That is what I need help with. Sorry I didn't make it clear. My thoughts are all just coming out and not making sense I guess.

[Jonnnnn]

Originally posted by Mustard Bomb

Yeah, fair enough. It does not sound like a healthy relationship, at all, and I understand the concern about STDs. I don't think you had a right to get mad at her, but I also don't think she needed to tell you about the ex and dramtize it in that kind of casual relationship.

 

Ideally, f*** buddies hang out, can even talk to one another about other guys and girls, and don't get very involved at all. They interest me because this turmoil seems to happen a lot within them.

 

It sounds like you were really happy before, in a romantic long-term relationship. That may be the better path for you?

 

 

I suspected that she gave him head just because she seems to have a lot of stories about giving guys head back home. I had to pry it out of her, and that was what really got me annoyed. Her getting STD's is quite a reality, especially when she's giving head to shady dudes...

 

I was happy in a long-term relationship in some ways, but at the same time I missed hanging out with the guys. With my "pleasurable friend", I hang out with the guys a lot, there aren't as much feelings involved, and we feel okay just going to eachother's places for sex then leaving. But we said we would be honest, not see other people, and tell eachother if we met someone else. She was really drunk when she gave that guy head, but she said that she did it because of the feelings she had for him.

 

Yeah, there is turmoil and there shouldn't be. But this is quite a weird situation for both of us. This might sound dumb, but I haven't masturbated in 15 days, so I'm extremely wound up and easily agitated. This is why I was asking you guys if I am over-reacting, cause I really can't tell