Maybe, at my core, I don't want a real intimate relationship?

[Mrlonelyone]

I have been thinking today maybe all the problems I have had with relationships are because at my core I don't want a real intimate relationship.

 

 

I pick people for relationships with whom it would be difficult. Weather it is a homosexual or heterosexual relationship I seem to pick the most difficult person possible. Even when it is someone who on paper, it could be easy with, they are really showing sings of difficulty from the start.

 

 

In particular I tend to pick and be picked by people who want to change me in some way. They want to make me more this or less that.

 

 

I seem to only find, or only notice, people for whom a relationship with me would have an element of shame to overcome.

 

 

i.e. A woman who has gender issues they haven't dealt with, who is not black, and who's social circle and/or family would have a problem with my race. (That describes every woman I've been with. )

 

 

 

 

Maybe the problem really is me. Deep down I really don't want a relationship with anyone. Maybe all I want to do is hang out, have fun, not make promises that I have seen in my life, and the lives of others, are never really kept anyway. Maybe deep down I don't want to be tied up to one person.

 

 

I don't want to compromise myself, which is what everyone does in a relationship. I want to be able to be me myself and I and if I found someone who loved me for all of that without changing me, or acting ashamed of liking me, I would be all over it.

 

 

That's not what I find.

 

 

Maybe I don't find that kind of real affinity for what I am because I fear letting such a person in.