Pregnant Mistress

[Rhema]

I’m new to this site, but I need someone to talk to that has been in a similar situation. I’m not writing for anyone to feel sorry for me. I have been involved with a married man for over 2 years now. When we initially met, I had recently gone through a divorce and he was separated from his wife. Neither of us were expecting anything this serious, but the chemistry been us was undeniably strong. We became best friends, as well as lovers. Sharing emotions, lots of time together, trips, gifts, romantic nights. Although things seemed blissful, the fact was, he was still married. I did not pressure him. I was happy with our relationship and I understood what he was going through (given it took me over a year of separation, just to finally divorce my ex-husband). People hold on to unhappy marriages for different reasons. They had been together for a very long time and have 3 children. Although they’re children are practically grown (17, 18, 20); she refused his talks of divorce. She depends on him financially and does not believe in divorce in general. Although, they're clearly both unhappy. People that know them have told me that they were living separate lives (even while living together) well before I came into the picture.

 

Nevertheless, guilt began to overwhelm me, I also needed to heal from my divorce. And so I ended the relationship. I told him that since she did not want to end the marriage, go for counseling, and see where it goes. I began focusing more on my life and I stayed clear of him (although he was constantly calling, trying to reach out). During our time apart, he and his wife began counseling, and he returned back home. But things quickly went back to turmoil, and he began to reach out to me again. After months of trying to stay away, I fell weak and begin seeing him again. I can honestly say that I was miserable without him. And I do believe that he was miserable too.

 

This time around, I got pregnant. I know what you're thinking, if he loves me so much, why not leave again? I am pretty sure that he loves her and his family too (even with all of the problems). I am now six months pregnant and I’m not sure where to go from here. I haven’t even asked him if and when he’s going to leave her. At this point, I’m not even sure if that’s what I want. I read on the internet how ppl tear down being the OW, calling them home-wreckers. And saying that you’re getting the crumbs, it’s just for sex, you’ll spend holidays alone. That was never my situation. I have been in the most fulfilling relationship I have ever had with my MM. He makes room for me on holidays, even his birthday. We don’t flaunt all over town, but we do go out in public. I enjoy real dates. I do not go a day, or even hours without speaking with him. I don’t always wake up alone. And this has been going on for 2 years. He has been helping me get ready for the baby; although I have noticed a slight distance between us now. He says he just confused and focused on making money to prepare.

 

He has NOT indicated what’s our next step. And I do not want to ask, because I don’t know what I want. I know that we cannot hide a baby, I know there is a chance that he may choose to stay with her. I know that I’ll be severely judged (although I’m just blindly, unconditionally in love). I am 32 years old, college educated, have a career, and able to support this child on my own (if needed). But my family is telling me not to run and "go with the flow". I feel like the ball is in his court. How do I take control of the situation? Would I be wrong if I end this now, and tell him to move on? Is that a dumb move? I know that my son will need his father, but maybe being around this situation will be worst for my child in the end (especially if he stays with the wife). Or should I calm down and wait? There’s no telling what will happen when the wife finds out; and I'm not a confrontational person. I don’t even know how I’ll handle that situation. Has anyone else gone through something similar? I know that I put myself in this and I'm in no way looking for sympathy (and just like with any wrong-doing, I'll pay for it); but I just need some ADVICE.

Edited December 7, 2013 by Rhema

[Popsicle]

Two words: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 

I seriously doubt he will leave his wife. He will probably try to hide the baby from her and keep you both appeased. Do you want you and your son/daughter to live a life like that, as a secret?

 

The only chance he will leave his wife is if SHE divorces him.

Edited December 8, 2013 by Popsicle

[stillafool]

What do you want out of this situation?

[Rhema]

What do you want out of this situation?

 

I want to be with the man that I love. But I know that I can find the strenghth to move on from the relationship (eventually..smh). If he choses to stay with her. I want us to be able to co-parent cordially. If that's not naive of me to think that's possible.

[Rhema]

Two words: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 

I seriously doubt he will leave his wife. He will probably try to hide the baby from her and keep you both appeased. Do you want you and your son/daughter to live a life like that, as a secret?

 

The only chance he will leave his wife is if SHE divorces him.

 

 

I considered that. So I should just end this while I'm ahead huh.

[stillafool]

When does he plan to tell her about the pregnancy?

[Rhema]

I considered that. So I should just end this while I'm ahead huh.

 

She does not believe in divorce; and she will not give up the life she's use to living...I'm quite sure of that.

[stillafool]

Is that what he told you?

[stillafool]

Has he said he wants to divorce her and be with you and the baby?

[stillafool]

If you are planning to keep the baby you need to lawyer up to make sure you are doing everything right to protect you and the baby. This of course means financially as well as custody. If he tells his wife and they still want to stay together they may want joint custody of the baby. Are you okay with this?

[Nothisgirl]

She does not believe in divorce; and she will not give up the life she's use to living...I'm quite sure of that.

 

She can't stop him for petitioning for divorce. If he wants out, he will get out

 

My heart aches for you and I can't imagine how you're feeling rig now...my advice..take care of you and your baby..let him do the worrying at this point.

[Rhema]

Is that what he told you?

 

Yes and a person that I know, who also knows them.

[Rhema]

Has he said he wants to divorce her and be with you and the baby?

 

No he has given me no indication of what's his next step concerning his marriage. When we found out I was pregnant, he told me that he would not abandon me or the baby. And he has been helping me to prepare. But no talk of divorce. I don't know what to think.

[Rhema]

If you are planning to keep the baby you need to lawyer up to make sure you are doing everything right to protect you and the baby. This of course means financially as well as custody. If he tells his wife and they still want to stay together they may want joint custody of the baby. Are you okay with this?

 

 

Yes, I can live with joint custody. If my child is not going to be mistreated and is rightfully taken cared of.

[CanJanus]

Have you considered adoption?

 

This is not going to be the optimal upbringing for the child, and there are many stable families out there looking for a baby to love and cherish.

 

You are unlikely to have a situation where he leaves the wife and moves in with you and you bring up the baby lovingly together. This baby is poison. It will estrange the MM from his existing children, and that is hardly a foundation for love.

 

Don't do this to yourself. Maybe you can get child support and wreck your MM financially, but it is still a hard life to live.

[Nothisgirl]

Have you considered adoption?

 

This is not going to be the optimal upbringing for the child, and there are many stable families out there looking for a baby to love and cherish.

 

You are unlikely to have a situation where he leaves the wife and moves in with you and you bring up the baby lovingly together. This baby is poison. It will estrange the MM from his existing children, and that is hardly a foundation for love.

 

Don't do this to yourself. Maybe you can get child support and wreck your MM financially, but it is still a hard life to live.

 

 

What a cruel thing to say...the baby is not poison..OP has already stated she is financially and emotionally prepared to raise this baby with or w/out her MM's help...and tbh she seems to have it way more together then most first time moms I know..it tends to be an emotional time

 

Is it the optimal situation no, probably not,but it doesn't mean the OP is ruining her life

 

You're absolutely right that there are many "stable" families looking for children to adopt however there are also many single parents and split families who give their kids amazingly STABLE, loving homes...

[Rhema]

Have you considered adoption?

 

This is not going to be the optimal upbringing for the child, and there are many stable families out there looking for a baby to love and cherish.

 

You are unlikely to have a situation where he leaves the wife and moves in with you and you bring up the baby lovingly together. This baby is poison. It will estrange the MM from his existing children, and that is hardly a foundation for love.

 

Don't do this to yourself. Maybe you can get child support and wreck your MM financially, but it is still a hard life to live.

 

 

No. I could not do adoption. I'm 6 months pregnant and already attached to this child (prepared a nursery, purchased items, etc). I have also been extremely fortunate to have a supportive family, who is already attached to this pregnancy as well. I'm not exactly looking for money either. I make a good income. I guess I'm just looking for some sort of fantasy ending.

 

I didn't think of looking at it like this baby would estrange him from his other children. They are almost grown (The oldest is 20). I guess I need to prepare for the worst.

[sweet_pea]

So... why did you two have unprotected sex? Did you want to get pregnant? I didn't read the full thread, so sorry if I missed it.

[Rhema]

So... why did you two have unprotected sex? Did you want to get pregnant? I didn't read the full thread, so sorry if I missed it.

 

 

No it wasn't intentional. It was actually the 4th of July. BBQ, Fireworks, and lots of alcoholic drinks. It just happened.

[SunshineToday]

Have you thought about how his older children will feel about the baby their dad cheated on their mom to have?

[Rhema]

Have you thought about how his older children will feel about the baby their dad cheated on their mom to have?

 

 

Yes. All the time. He thinks that he sons (the two oldest) will accept it. He's not sure about his daughter (17). I would hope that they will accept their sibling. But I know that I can not force it.

[HollyGolightlly]

She does not believe in divorce; and she will not give up the life she's use to living...I'm quite sure of that.

 

 

I'm in the same boat as you- but my MM told me to pretty much F off and he ran back to his wife and is now acting like super husband of the year.

 

I'm only 5/6 weeks, though- not six months.

 

What did he do when he first found out? Has he ever left you before?

 

As sad as it is, it seems like we will both be raising these kids alone. What made you decide to keep it? I'm still at at point now where I don't know what would be worse- the pain of abortion or havign to deal with seeing him for the rest of my life.

 

I'm sorry...I do know how you feel, though.

[Rhema]

I'm in the same boat as you- but my MM told me to pretty much F off and he ran back to his wife and is now acting like super husband of the year.

 

I'm only 5/6 weeks, though- not six months.

 

What did he do when he first found out? Has he ever left you before?

 

As sad as it is, it seems like we will both be raising these kids alone. What made you decide to keep it? I'm still at at point now where I don't know what would be worse- the pain of abortion or havign to deal with seeing him for the rest of my life.

 

I'm sorry...I do know how you feel, though.

 

 

Gosh, that's terrible. Do you know if he's told his wife?

 

My MM hasn't left me. I have noticed a slight distance, but he promised me that he would not leave me and this child. (So far, he's sticking to that...but u never know how things will go). When he first found out, he went into panick mode (according to his friends)....he didn't do that in front of me. His reaction in front of me was pretty neutral.

 

That is one reason why I decided to keep it, not to mention that I truly do love him. I'm 32 years old and I may never have another child. I also have a supportive family who is happy (despite the circumstance).

 

I know a few single mothers, some women who started out as a single parent (including my mother) and eventually remarried. So do not think that you and I can't make it. We just have to weather whatever storm is next. And how to do that??? I do not have the answer to. Thats why I'm seeking advice.

 

I wish someone that has already had a child by their MM can offer their testimony. I knew an older lady in the situation, but I can not find her. I know that her son is an adult now, and his father was in his life. I do not know if he knew his other family, however. Or how the situation went.

 

Feel free to msg me anytime. Don't let his action force you to make a decision that you do not want to make. And don't let some ppl's comments get to you either smh. Its amazing how judgemental and cruel some ppl can be....yet they have so many skeletons in their closet. We're just in the position, where we can't hide ours. Its YOUR decision. Once you decide what you want to do. If you do decide to keep it, get you a good support system (family, close friends) IMMEDIATELY. Once the cat was out the bag to my family. It was such a relief to not have to go thru this alone.

[HollyGolightlly]

Gosh, that's terrible. Do you know if he's told his wife?

 

My MM hasn't left me. I have noticed a slight distance, but he promised me that he would not leave me and this child. (So far, he's sticking to that...but u never know how things will go). When he first found out, he went into panick mode (according to his friends)....he didn't do that in front of me. His reaction in front of me was pretty neutral.

 

That is one reason why I decided to keep it, not to mention that I truly do love him. I'm 32 years old and I may never have another child. I also have a supportive family who is happy (despite the circumstance).

 

I know a few single mothers, some women who started out as a single parent (including my mother) and eventually remarried. So do not think that you and I can't make it. We just have to weather whatever storm is next. And how to do that??? I do not have the answer to. Thats why I'm seeking advice.

 

I wish someone that has already had a child by their MM can offer their testimony. I knew an older lady in the situation, but I can not find her. I know that her son is an adult now, and his father was in his life. I do not know if he knew his other family, however. Or how the situation went.

 

Feel free to msg me anytime. Don't let his action force you to make a decision that you do not want to make. And don't let some ppl's comments get to you either smh. Its amazing how judgemental and cruel some ppl can be....yet they have so many skeletons in their closet. We're just in the position, where we can't hide ours. Its YOUR decision. Once you decide what you want to do. If you do decide to keep it, get you a good support system (family, close friends) IMMEDIATELY. Once the cat was out the bag to my family. It was such a relief to not have to go thru this alone.

 

I'm not quite sure yet how to send a PM on here, either that or I don't have access yet. I wish I was at least in your shoes- and had some support by my MM. Yes, his wife knows and she knew from day one.

 

What happened was that- he left to go try and fix his marriage for the sake of his current children and a few days after he left I confirmed the pregnancy. I guess he got scared and told her- but part of me thinks he probably regrets telling her right away.

 

The first time she "let" him see me in person the first thing he said was that she is dictating everything he says and does with me from now on. And also that he doesn't want the child (even if we were together). Also that he has to keep telling himself he is never coming back to me so he can stick to it...I do know deep down he probably still loves me, but I'm sure he is trying to fix it all.

 

I'm not sure if their marriage will last or if she can heal from all of this- and heal from dealing with him having another child. I don't know, it's too early to tell.

 

Congrats on the baby I do hope we both end up being just as much in love with someone as we were with the MM.

[Rhema]

I'm not quite sure yet how to send a PM on here, either that or I don't have access yet. I wish I was at least in your shoes- and had some support by my MM. Yes, his wife knows and she knew from day one.

 

What happened was that- he left to go try and fix his marriage for the sake of his current children and a few days after he left I confirmed the pregnancy. I guess he got scared and told her- but part of me thinks he probably regrets telling her right away.

 

The first time she "let" him see me in person the first thing he said was that she is dictating everything he says and does with me from now on. And also that he doesn't want the child (even if we were together). Also that he has to keep telling himself he is never coming back to me so he can stick to it...I do know deep down he probably still loves me, but I'm sure he is trying to fix it all.

 

I'm not sure if their marriage will last or if she can heal from all of this- and heal from dealing with him having another child. I don't know, it's too early to tell.

 

Congrats on the baby I do hope we both end up being just as much in love with someone as we were with the MM.

 

I'm trying to figure out how to PM too. I think you have to be on the site for a while before they make you an established member. And Congrats to u too! Despite the turmoil!

 

Although I have support from my MM. I still have a plan to do things on my own, if needed. You should probably do this too. I literally made a list of goals and I have been going down the list accomplishing them. That baby will be here before you know it. I swear the time has gone by so quickly for me. So try to start preparing now (if you're going to keep it). Start buying little by little, and put some money up if you can. I think I read that you have other children; so you probably know exactly how to prepare as a single mom.

 

I know you're trying to sort things out emotionally (me too girl!).