Pregnant Mistress

[BrokenPrincess]

The first time she "let" him see me in person the first thing he said was that she is dictating everything he says and does with me from now on. And also that he doesn't want the child (even if we were together). Also that he has to keep telling himself he is never coming back to me so he can stick to it...I do know deep down he probably still loves me, but I'm sure he is trying to fix it all.

 

Holly, gently...your MM is not a prisoner being bossed around against his wishes. He's decided to stay with his wife, so he is doing whatever she requests to make that happen. He is exactly where he wants to be to achieve that. I'm sorry, as a foW, I know how painful that is.

 

OP, you sound amazingly level headed given the circumstances. I would be going CRAZY with the uncertainty of the future on a normal day, forget being 6mo along hormonal. That said, my advice to you is to continue to go with the flow and not challenge your MM for plans and decisions because it sounds like he really is giving you a great amount of support as it is.

 

Plus, any answers you push him for now may completely turn upside down once the baby gets here anyway. A new child can stir unexpected feelings in both parents, especially considering his other kids are almost grown now. I just don't think talking about it now may be the reality anyway so if you can make it, I would just hold off and continue on the healthy path to L&D.

 

Hugs to both of you ladies & your sweet babies to be

[HollyGolightlly]

Holly, gently...your MM is not a prisoner being bossed around against his wishes. He's decided to stay with his wife, so he is doing whatever she requests to make that happen. He is exactly where he wants to be to achieve that. I'm sorry, as a foW, I know how painful that is.

 

OP, you sound amazingly level headed given the circumstances. I would be going CRAZY with the uncertainty of the future on a normal day, forget being 6mo along hormonal. That said, my advice to you is to continue to go with the flow and not challenge your MM for plans and decisions because it sounds like he really is giving you a great amount of support as it is.

 

Plus, any answers you push him for now may completely turn upside down once the baby gets here anyway. A new child can stir unexpected feelings in both parents, especially considering his other kids are almost grown now. I just don't think talking about it now may be the reality anyway so if you can make it, I would just hold off and continue on the healthy path to L&D.

 

Hugs to both of you ladies & your sweet babies to be

 

Being a prisoner was your word. I am pretty well aware that's what he chose, but being that I know him pretty well I know he would of opted for this go down a whole different way ( the announcement of my pregnancy).

 

But thank you for the well wishes. I don't know what will happen and I'm pretty sure I'll never end up civil with him or his wife. I guess having a huge question mark makes getting up everyday kind of difficult.

[William]

Noticed some interest in our PM system.... 30 days and 100 posts on that. Immediate access if subscribing to the site.

 

Topic is about handling pregnancy and upcoming birth; next steps. As always, post to engage rather than preach and keep it topical. Thanks!

[Rhema]

 

OP, you sound amazingly level headed given the circumstances. I would be going CRAZY with the uncertainty of the future on a normal day, forget being 6mo along hormonal. That said, my advice to you is to continue to go with the flow and not challenge your MM for plans and decisions because it sounds like he really is giving you a great amount of support as it is.

 

Plus, any answers you push him for now may completely turn upside down once the baby gets here anyway. A new child can stir unexpected feelings in both parents, especially considering his other kids are almost grown now. I just don't think talking about it now may be the reality anyway so if you can make it, I would just hold off and continue on the healthy path to L&D.

 

Thank you. I'm trying to stay more focused and less emotional. You're probably right. I'll just give it time. Thanks for the support!

[EasternStandard]

Yes. All the time. He thinks that he sons (the two oldest) will accept it. He's not sure about his daughter (17). I would hope that they will accept their sibling. But I know that I can not force it.

 

Is he reluctant to leave his wife because his daughter is 17? If she goes to college when she is 18 or leaves the house, would he be more open to leaving his wife?

[elbe]

If reality hasn't hit you yet -- this just got real. You need to tell his wife and get this out in the open. A child is a human being you are bringing into this world. If he isn't going to be around you need to immediately establish that it is his child and fight the battles before you even have it.

[crederer]

Well first of all, in most cases, you can get a divorce even if the other party refuses. You have to give a good reason, and most judges will grant it. I think being in a relationship with him and being 6 months pregnant is a pretty good reason.

 

However, I have my doubts this is the REAL reason he isn't leaving. I've heard that one a few times.

 

The other thing is, you basically in a nutshell said what every OW says: "it's not like other affairs for reason x, y, z, I swear".

 

But I guess you only have two real options in my opinion. Move on completely and get child support (do not refuse it, he's the father he deserves at the very least to give financial support if not emotional). The other thing is to get in a real relationship with him, which it sounds like he doesn't want to do that, so......pick one.

[krazikat]

I'm trying to figure out how to PM too. I think you have to be on the site for a while before they make you an established member. And Congrats to u too! Despite the turmoil!

 

Although I have support from my MM. I still have a plan to do things on my own, if needed. You should probably do this too. I literally made a list of goals and I have been going down the list accomplishing them. That baby will be here before you know it. I swear the time has gone by so quickly for me. So try to start preparing now (if you're going to keep it). Start buying little by little, and put some money up if you can. I think I read that you have other children; so you probably know exactly how to prepare as a single mom.

 

I know you're trying to sort things out emotionally (me too girl!).

 

I was a single teen mom. I had no support from my childs dad. He has never been involved in her life. He is not on her birth certificate.

 

I had been living with him for almost two years. I left him after finding out he was cheating on me because he gave me an std while pregnant. I filed for child support and was awarded but he never paid. He owes me so much money...and my child is an adult now.

 

I had no suppprt. Granted my man wasnt a mm but he was an ass all the same and left me alone to raise his child. I had no family support, limited friend support...all teenagers!!! I wasnt old enough to get a decent job, or sign a contract....

 

But I did it. And I worked hard and went to college and am very successful. And my kid? Extremely well behaved.

 

My point is that if I could do it alone and successfully as a minor, you can do this! And your child can turn out just fine! And there are many good men out there willing to date a single mama...I never had a problem. My h has always treated my kid as his own, since around 10 years old. They have a special bond. Do not doubt yourself. As your child gets older, you can have age appropriate talks. That is one thing that I highly recommend...dont sugar coat but be honest. Also, dont trash talk. Just simple facts when/if things come up. My kid has told me that the honesty made a huge difference.

[Rhema]

If reality hasn't hit you yet -- this just got real. You need to tell his wife and get this out in the open. A child is a human being you are bringing into this world. If he isn't going to be around you need to immediately establish that it is his child and fight the battles before you even have it.

 

Of course, I have never been in any denial concerning a pregnancy. I hope I haven’t given the impression that I did not know a “human being” was coming into my life. Together we have prepared for the birth of this child and made arrangements. My entire family knows the situation and mutual friends. I have told the ppl in my life. It is his responsibility, however, to tell his own wife. In the manner that he chooses.

 

 

As for him not being around and establishing paternity. I appreciate your comment, but those are not issues for me right now. We're not fighting and I'm not going to start an "battles". If he ever wants a test, thats fine by me. My post was advice on how to handle things emotionally. Maybe from someone who has been in a similar situation? I hope this clears up any misconception of what I was asking. Thanks for your comment.

[Rhema]

The other thing is, you basically in a nutshell said what every OW says: "it's not like other affairs for reason x, y, z, I swear".

 

I do believe that every situation is different (not just mines though). It may sound cliché but my situation is different, as in all relationships (with or w/o being involved with a married person). I could never see life as black and white. Things are not all so simple and placed in one box. Especially when you're dealing with human interaction and emotions. That’s what I was saying. I know personally a few women and men who have been involved (or still are) in affairs. Some ended up with the person (actually married them), some ended things after several years, some are back and forth as we speak. In one situation the MM divorced the wife, but refuses to talk to the OW because she got impatient with the proceedings and told the wife everyting (not saying he was right). And out of every affair that I know, I'm the only one that actually ended up pregnant during the affair.

 

Different situations, began for different reasons, and ended differently. There’s no universal script. In my opinion.

[Rhema]

Well first of all, in most cases, you can get a divorce even if the other party refuses. You have to give a good reason, and most judges will grant it. I think being in a relationship with him and being 6 months pregnant is a pretty good reason.

 

However, I have my doubts this is the REAL reason he isn't leaving. I've heard that one a few times.

 

But I guess you only have two real options in my opinion. Move on completely and get child support (do not refuse it, he's the father he deserves at the very least to give financial support if not emotional). The other thing is to get in a real relationship with him, which it sounds like he doesn't want to do that, so......pick one.

 

When I met him, he was actually already separated. And his wife was actively fighting the divorce. The judge granted legal separation and recommended counseling. Something similar happened when I went thru my divorce. However, we did not have children and years of accumlated assets to divide. But, because it was a contested divorce it wasn't a simple process.

 

 

While my MM was separated (with all the confusion) I actually ended things with him for months and told him to sort things out. I regret that to this day. I think I also have empathy for him (of course b/c I love him), but also because of what I went thru with my own divorce. It took nearly 2 years. I know my ex fought me tooth and nail (requesting counseling, rescheduling the court date, with-holding paperwork). To this day, I'm not sure how he was getting away with it, but he did.

 

However, you’re right. I did put my foot down and I got my divorce. I know that there are several reasons for my MM not pushing the matter. He hasn't given me any excuses. Its just obvious reasons. But, I do have a decision to make. I think I’m just waiting around on what he’s going to do (when it comes to this relationship). And I probably shouldn’t. But it’s hard. Thanks for the advice.

[Rhema]

But I did it. And I worked hard and went to college and am very successful. And my kid? Extremely well behaved.

 

My point is that if I could do it alone and successfully as a minor, you can do this! And your child can turn out just fine! And there are many good men out there willing to date a single mama...I never had a problem. My h has always treated my kid as his own, since around 10 years old. They have a special bond. Do not doubt yourself. As your child gets older, you can have age appropriate talks. That is one thing that I highly recommend...dont sugar coat but be honest. Also, dont trash talk. Just simple facts when/if things come up. My kid has told me that the honesty made a huge difference.

 

Wow! Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have so much on my mind. And especially on what to tell my child when he's older, etc. Thank you for your insight. I'm trying my best to stay positive, focused, and organized. I hope that my child's father is involved. But it feels good to hear how other single moms have made it and started over!

Edited December 18, 2013 by Rhema

[jan2012]

Sounds COMPLICATED! Why does this stuff have to happen, it is so dysfunctional!

People have affairs, and maybe the two people end up together and happy for years to come. That is fine. But this way??? Sounds awful. Sorry you are in this situation.