Someoneelse Posted December 8, 2013 Share Posted December 8, 2013 Separated a few months from long time husband. I am 100% committed and have not thought about being with anyone else.. He haad an emotional affair with an old ex.. I dont believe he hasnt had sex with her but he denied it many many times.. In any event i am afraid of having unprotected sex but will have sex with condoor give him hand job bc he says hes being loyal. I feel nauseous thinking about giving bj after he was talking to her, trashing me.... He makes me feel guilty about not having unprotected sex.. Am i being really not right? Link to post Share on other sites
alonefornow Posted December 8, 2013 Share Posted December 8, 2013 He makes me feel guilty about not having unprotected sex.. F*** that! You have every right to have sex the way you want to have sex, and also to not have sex at all if you don't want to. I wouldn't touch him at all until you felt good about it. If he's pressuring you into engaging in sexual activity that is absolutely 100% not OK on his part. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Someoneelse Posted December 8, 2013 Author Share Posted December 8, 2013 I do t know what to do!! I am not sure if i want to divorce and we get along somewhat until this whole sex thing goes on... Hes being very mean about it and says "condoms hurt" him and hates handjobs only wants bj or unprotected sex.. I stopped taking birth control dsily bc. We havent had sex and I dont want to get pregnant... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Someoneelse Posted December 8, 2013 Author Share Posted December 8, 2013 F*** that! You have every right to have sex the way you want to have sex, and also to not have sex at all if you don't want to. I wouldn't touch him at all until you felt good about it. If he's pressuring you into engaging in sexual activity that is absolutely 100% not OK on his part. Sometimes he tells me I am "forcing" him into having sex with other women. Link to post Share on other sites
alonefornow Posted December 8, 2013 Share Posted December 8, 2013 I do t know what to do!! I am not sure if i want to divorce and we get along somewhat until this whole sex thing goes on... Hes being very mean about it and says "condoms hurt" him and hates handjobs only wants bj or unprotected sex.. I stopped taking birth control dsily bc. We havent had sex and I dont want to get pregnant... Oh dear lord. This is the type of nonsense you would see in a video shown to high schoolers about teen pregnancy. You need to set some very clear boundaries, first with yourself and then with him, about what is ok sex-wise. Being mean about being asked to wear a condom is astonishingly immature behavior. Sometimes he tells me I am "forcing" him into having sex with other women. This is a ludicrous sentiment. Are you two trying to reconcile? Because it sounds more like he's trying to use you for sex, and is willing to be manipulative and mean to pressure you into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Someoneelse Posted December 8, 2013 Author Share Posted December 8, 2013 Neither of us are 100% sure we want it wither way (divorce / getting back together) ... The sex thing seems to be the biggest issue and at times i am ready to call it quits just for that... He says condoms are painful and extremely unpleasurable. He hasnt had to wear it our entire marriage and doesnt want to start now... Oh and he said he never wore condoms bc his past relationships he mostly had anal so didnt have to worry about it.. Link to post Share on other sites
strive Posted December 8, 2013 Share Posted December 8, 2013 how about you ask him to get tested? will that be an (ego) issue? Link to post Share on other sites
BOREDouttaMymind Posted December 8, 2013 Share Posted December 8, 2013 lets put it this way, youre still willing to give handjobs and he still complains? you sure this is the dude you want to be with? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 8, 2013 Share Posted December 8, 2013 He sounds like a complete douche bag. You are separated. You owe him nothing! He's cheating and still feels entitled. Why don't you divorce him? You deserve a man who respects and honors you. Never settle! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Someoneelse Posted December 8, 2013 Author Share Posted December 8, 2013 I guess i can ask him to get tested.. I never had to deal with this stuff and am rather naive... His thing is that hes trying to do right thing by not sleep with other woman while separated so i "need to help him out"... And yes this makes sense to me but emotionally i dont wanna do anything im not comfortable doing either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Someoneelse Posted December 8, 2013 Author Share Posted December 8, 2013 (edited) He sounds like a complete douche bag. You are separated. You owe him nothing! He's cheating and still feels entitled. Why don't you divorce him? You deserve a man who respects and honors you. Never settle! He is a douchebag but theres a kid involved so i dont want to do anything until im 100% sure..also i have daddy issues so in a way i sometimes feel like i deserve this ****.. Edited December 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fixed quote Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted December 8, 2013 Share Posted December 8, 2013 It is your life, you decide what you want and don't want My answer to you would be to have sex when you once again feel the passion and love to do so. I hate to be so rude, but from what you are describing him putting pressure on you to have sex with him, after his affair. He does not see you as a life partner, someone to share a life with, but as c*m dump Link to post Share on other sites
Author Someoneelse Posted December 8, 2013 Author Share Posted December 8, 2013 his argument is we all have needs and he is willing to satisfy mine if i do the same for him... He swears they didnt have sex, just went on dates and talked online a lot.. So he doesnt understand why i should "punish" him even though he is "faithful". I explained an emotional affair is not being faithful but he says he didnt have sex and doesnt want to have sex with anyone until when / if we sign the divorce papers... I dont appreciate being bullied but hes immature and if something doesnt go his way he tends to guilt / bully / charm his way to get it.. A form of manipulation i see that.. What do other couples do during separation if they are not sure they are headd for divorce? Do they sleep with other ppl anyways and act single or so they wait and please themselves while they figure it all out? Maybe hes not so bad after all....? Link to post Share on other sites
firststeps Posted December 8, 2013 Share Posted December 8, 2013 Your choice but he has you exactly where he wants you. No one deserves to be treated this way and you are letting him get away with it. Put your foot down, he is justifying his behavior by saying that he only went on dates and online. Give me a break! My advice to run for the hills, before you waste any more years living with a toxic person that plays head games. Please go see a Counselor and its your body, your mind, your soul, don't let him that anything away from you. He's selfish and always will be. Link to post Share on other sites
alonefornow Posted December 9, 2013 Share Posted December 9, 2013 his argument is we all have needs and he is willing to satisfy mine if i do the same for him... He swears they didnt have sex, just went on dates and talked online a lot.. So he doesnt understand why i should "punish" him even though he is "faithful". I explained an emotional affair is not being faithful but he says he didnt have sex and doesnt want to have sex with anyone until when / if we sign the divorce papers... I dont appreciate being bullied but hes immature and if something doesnt go his way he tends to guilt / bully / charm his way to get it.. A form of manipulation i see that.. What do other couples do during separation if they are not sure they are headd for divorce? Do they sleep with other ppl anyways and act single or so they wait and please themselves while they figure it all out? The point here isn't what other people do, it's what you expect and where your boundaries are. You've explained to him your boundaries and he is making a point of trying to get you to go back on where you draw your lines. Regardless of the circumstances this should be unacceptable. Maybe hes not so bad after all....? There hasn't been a single redeeming quality here that you've written for us, so where does this sentiment come from? That said, whether he is good or bad is irrelevant, his actions and behavior towards you aren't meeting your expectations. I would strongly recommend against staying in a relationship with someone with such little regard for your wishes and boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Someoneelse Posted December 9, 2013 Author Share Posted December 9, 2013 No he doesnt care about my wishes or boundaries.... But then again i havent decided if i wsnt to divorce and i dont want him having sex with others in case we do end up together.... Also i am in a very fragile, lonely state so that doesnt help with feeling confident in myself and outting my foot down... Link to post Share on other sites
alonefornow Posted December 9, 2013 Share Posted December 9, 2013 No he doesnt care about my wishes or boundaries.... But then again i havent decided if i wsnt to divorce and i dont want him having sex with others in case we do end up together.... Also i am in a very fragile, lonely state so that doesnt help with feeling confident in myself and outting my foot down... Feeling fragile and lonely at this stage is very understandable. If sex with others is a deal breaker for reconciliation for you then tell him. But be sure you're ready to impose the consequences if he does decide to have sex with others. ...at least that's the advice I'd give if it weren't for your first sentence there. A partner that does not care about your wishes or boundaries is no partner. You deserve someone who will be a partner to you. And your kid deserves to grow up in an environment where one parent isn't manipulating the other into sex. Link to post Share on other sites
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