Help! My ex already has a new girlfriend!

[Vonnie]

Hey everyone,

 

This is my first post here - please excuse any newbie faux pas!!

 

My ex ended our 7.5 year (mostly defacto) relationship just over 3 months ago, and I thought I was doing fine. I went out and bought one of those self help 'Break Up' books, and carried it on me everywhere I went! I have had no contact with him, except two emails initiated by him. I joined a gym, embarked on 'me' time, reconnected with old friends, lost 16kg etc. Anyways - New Years Eve I decided to catch up with some joint friends of ours - bad idea - when I was there they let me know he's moved on and has a girlfriend now. I can't tell you how much it gutted me! I totally drank myself stupid on NYE - then was sick as a dog all day yesterday due in part to alcoholic poisoning (amateur drinker!) and emotional heartbreak. I'm confused because I really thought I was getting better.

 

I feel betrayed - again. I feel passed over, stupid, rejected - again! And I am NO WHERE near being able to have a boyfriend again!! My mind is still too stuffed up in that way.

 

My ex suffered depression, so in reality the end of our relationship was a blessing, but god it still hurts. He'd moved out on his own earlier on the year - prove he could make it on his own. I was rarely considered by him once he moved (and before if I admit it). It was all about him, and his motorbiking mates. The thought of him with someone else breaks my heart. We'd met on the internet, and this new bird he's seeing is someone he'd met on the internet before he met me. I feel stupid - as if there'd been an ongoing 'net love affair whilst we were together (as she was living in Canada). Well, she's here in Oz now, and they've hooked up. Makes me want to vomit.

 

Has anyone else been through this?? I'd love to hear how you coped, coz I'm struggling. I've lost my appetite (which may also be a blessing!!! ), and just generally feel upset in the tummy - and the alcohol must be out of my system by now!

 

Thank you!

 

Vonnie

[agnf666]

I now it was hard to hear the news about his girlfriend, but you have to remember you two broke up 3 months ago. So, there was time for him to move on. He may not even care about her, maybe just using her as the rebound or for sex. Well, don't get so depressed about it, I would just try to do the things that you have been doing after you two broke up and keep up the no contact part. If you talk to him know then he will know that you know about his girlfriend and will figure that was your main reason for your call. You have to out smart him.

[Vonnie]

Hi agnf666,

 

Thanks for your reply. I am trying to outsmart him I guess - I know I can hold my head up high, coz I haven't harassed him, begged him or anything like that. I've mourned the breakup with my family and friends. I don't really have any desire to contact him. I just feel left behind. I guess I should look at it as closure - there's nothing there to hope for anymore. Not that I had hoped to get back with him on a conscious level - but maybe subconsciously ....

 

I hope that this starts the final stage of my healing. I will keep up what I've been doing, and I plan on being more of a 'joiner' this year - looking at starting up Taekwondo for exercise, and planning a contiki Eastern European tour at present. It's just always on the back of my mind. I guess too its the hardest time of the year with Christmas, and New Years. Thinking of trying that 'speed dating' in a few months time, after the minds cleared up a bit!!

 

Just gotta work out how to stop the brain from going round and round the same s*it. Maybe I need to write my thoughts down in a journal or something. Will definitely go for a swim this arvo to hopefully get a bit of a positive endorphin rush from some exercise, and sunshine.

 

Warm wishes,

 

Vonnie

[snilljente]

"My ex suffered depression, so in reality the end of our relationship was a blessing"..

 

I don't understand why you would say this....alot of people suffer from depression, take meds and are no less equipped for a relationship than anyone else...what did you mean by this?

[moon]

I'm here raising my hand. Yup. I've been through it too. It hurts, it sucks, it feels bad!!! You've got to get used to this. It will take time. After a while you'll probably just realize the guy wasn't right for you. You'll realize you weren't right for him. It takes time. Keep your distance. That's what I'm doing. My ex and I don't have any mutual friends (except one who I don't call anymore), so I don't really know the status of his new relationship. I did actually call my ex on Christmas, after not talking at all for two months (since the break up) and he e-mailed me back telling me to call him. But I haven't got the nerve. I don't want to know. Why would an ex want to talk to you if he's seeing somebody else? That's what I keep asking myself. So my ex is either single now or up to his old tricks. Or maybe he's just decided to be nice to me in the end. But I think I am just going to send an e-mail back telling him it's too painful to be in contact with him right now and leave the ball in his court. In which case.....I think that'll be the end of our communications. If he thinks I am going to call and try to beg him back he's dead wrong.

 

It has been helpful for me to have absolutely no idea of the comings and going of my ex and his new girlfriend. I don't live in the same city as him anymore.

 

But I am feeling okay now. I go through periods where I start to feel miserable again. But it usually doesn't last very long. My new year's resolution is to think less and less of the guy. I think 2005 will be a good year. Try to think positively. It will feel better. You just have to get passed the us and we and start letting the me and I sink in. Think about what you want with YOUR life. You just have to put the guy out of your mind.

 

If you really feel you need some type of closure with this. I'd give yourself a month to get used to all this and then maybe write a letter telling him your feeling. It's up to you if you send it or not. Then try to let it go. I feel like I have forgiven my ex now. So we weren't right for each other.....can I totally blame him for that? I could blame it on a number of forces....including God, fate, the stars, etc. I like this one quote that a friend gave me once (she made it up):

 

"Who knows who's going to come along and woo you if you're with the wrong person."

 

Seriously, just keep looking for Mr. Right. He'll come I am sure. If you were able to have a 7.5 year relationship with anybody you must be doing something right! But your ex was probably just not the one for you. Try to remember the good times and do whatever you have to do to experience the pain and anger and move on.

[Vonnie]

Hi,

 

I'm sorry - I didn't mean to offend. But anyone who has lived with someone who has suffered depression would understand what I meant. I will add however, he was unmedicated for most of the relationship, and would withdraw totally from me, be completely moody - either really high or really low, and generally made life very miserable. I'm not saying there weren't positives - there were plenty of them. You obviously suffer depression yourself to have such a volatile reaction.

 

I have to say I'm a little saddened, after explaining that this was my first post, and clearly being in not a good state - I get flamed. Is it normally like this on this network? I assumed that it was meant to be a caring environment. Now I feel worse.

 

But let me say this - even the psychologist that I've seen 3 times in response to my ex's depression could clearly understand the difficulties of living with someone suffering from depression.

 

All I can say is that to be away from that negativity is a good thing. Because its not just depression, its negativity and pessimism that can't be shaked. And trust me - I tried MANY times with my ex.

 

But again, if I insulted anyone I apologise - that was not my intention - but surely you can see there are two sides to an issue like depression? And that as much as someone would wish they didnt suffer from depression, that the other person may realise soe degree of happiness by not having to live with it?

 

Vonnie

[snilljente]

"My ex suffered depression, so in reality the end of our relationship was a blessing"..

 

I don't understand why you would say this....alot of people suffer from depression, take meds and are no less equipped for a relationship than anyone else...what did you mean by this?

 

_______________________________________________________

 

I didn't consider my simple inquiry into what you meant by your statement "violatile" or you getting "flamed"...if you post on LS, you have to be ready for people to simply ask you questions about your posts...that was all I was doing...I think you misinterpreted...I understand what you wrote about living with someone with depression as being difficult sometimes (no it doesn't mean that I myself suffer from depression, don't jump the gun), I just thought that your statement ""My ex suffered depression, so in reality the end of our relationship was a blessing". seemed extreme as people who suffer from depression (which can be an occasional thing) can have many redeeming qualities and their depression can be well regulated with meds....so I was just asking that's all.

[katty77]

There is no way to describe that horrible feeling when you find out your ex is with someone new. I know that it was a big kick in the gutt for me b/c my ex and I had only been broken a little over 2 months and he got engaged to someone new and they were living together. I was devastated. I couldn't eat, sleep, etc. The only thing I could do successfully was cry, and I did a ton of that. It has now been 4 months and it has gotten easier. I decided to work thru it alone and I have just started dating a little again. I still miss him tons and there is somedays that I truly believe that I will never get over him but most days now are tolerable.

 

You are normal, if you heard that your ex had a new g/f and it didn't bother you than you didn't really care. This is just my opinion. I know that it will get better. Now I only cry over him once a month, I blame it on him but I think it is really just PMS.

 

Take care,

 

Kat

[Vonnie]

Hi everyone,

 

First let me start off by apologising to snilljente ... As you may have been able to tell from my original post, I was in no real state for a serious discussion on the wheres and whyfores of depression - I was crying out for someone who has felt my pain, and been through it to offer some sort of condolence/advice. I do understand what your question was referring to, but yesterday, my first response was to bite - I usually know better, so please accept my apology. Let me explain the situation a little further and say that in the 7.5 years we were together, he was on meds for maybe 6 months (I can't remember what it was anymore) - but it resulted in impotence, and other nasty side effects, so he took himself off it. He began cognitive therapy with a psychologist about a year before we split up - but that didn't help the moods. And when I say moods, I don't mean basic up and downs - I mean serious depression, withdrawn & nasty, which resulted in myself receiving a certain amount of emotional abuse. And let me also say - that my bf broke up with me - whilst his depression was difficult at times, I had chosen (due to my love for him) to accept that life, and had he not chosen to end it, I would still be dealing with it. Towards the end of our relationship, I had to see a psychologist for my own emotional wellbeing to deal with the ramifications of being in love with someone who was continually depressed. So, if my statement seemed extreme, I am indeed sorry, it is just the depression that I lived with that makes me have such a belief. I am relieved to know that people that suffer from depression (the individuals and their families) can move on to happier lives through depression, and counselling. I wish that I had seen that, because I dearly would have loved to have had a happier life with my ex.

 

Moon & Kat - thank you so much for your lovely words. I feel a little crazy for having such an extreme reaction - particularly as our relationship has been over now for three months - it just really hurts. And my folks are no help - they say - just get angry - he's an a**hole - always has been, always will be, and 'stop thinking about it', and 'get over it'. And I know I will - in time. Right now though is that horrible gutwrenching pain. He was my first serious bf - I met him when I was 21 - and I'm 29 now - so I'm getting used to a life without him - but its not easy. Its particularly hard knowing how hard the last 3 months have been for me, and reconciling that with the fact that he has moved on - without me. And yes Kat - it could well be PMS too!!!! :-)

 

Moon - it sounds like you're doing great! I hope that in one months time I'll be in a better space like you are. I've come a long way in three months, so I know I'll be OK. Just takes time, right? And I hope that Mr Right comes this year - I'll be doing everything I can to make myself a better, happier person, so I'll recognise him when he comes!! Kat - how's the dating scene going??

 

Thanks everyone - and sorry if I came across as a bit of a cow yesterday!!

 

Warm wishes,

 

Vonnie

[moon]

Vonnie,

 

I don't know that I am doing great, but I actually have other more pressing things to worry about other than my ex. I have made a few career changes recently and I want to make yet another one and I am finding it hard to get the job I want. I just moved to a new area. So my head is also really filled with thoughts about my future and my future career. I am trying to decide also if I should apply to go back to school, but I have already gotten my college degree and a master's degree in another subject area. So.....I am sort of in a big transitional period anyway. I want to find a career that makes me happy. I want to find my own passion and spark. I thought it was what I used to do, but I have changed my mind on that. So I've been thinking about that a lot!

 

I haven't spoken to my ex since the end of October. He was very harsh to me and dumped me. I was so angry about it. I was so hurt and upset by him. But now I am beginning to realize that was just sort of his personality. He didn't really appreciate me. There was so much standing in our way of having a good relationship. I think I wanted something different from him too. But I don't have any real contact with him. I still haven't called him back after an e-mail he sent me recently. I am toying with the idea of sending an e-mail back myself, but what do I actually say. Do I blab on about how pissed off I was at him, do I say good luck in your future, do I let him slide and just say I am not mad at you anymore. I really don't feel angry with him anymore. I don't. The phone call on Christmas did the trick for me (I called and left a message and said I was sick of being angry). I needed him to know that I was letting the anger go. I know everyone says don't communicate with an ex, but it was just what I needed. I got out of that victim cycle.

 

I was also just realizing that somebody breaking up with you is harsh no matter what. But when they do actually go find somebody else, that's basically what they wanted anyway. So it shouldn't be such a surprise. If the guy wanted to be with me (for example) he wouldn't have broken up with me, right? So it doesn't really matter how soon or how late he finds somebody else. That fact is he didn't want to carry on a relationship with me. Other people involved have little significance. That's what I keep reminding myself. But I was on and off with my ex for a long time. But he couldn't have EVER been the one I really wanted. Fate interviened and said ENOUGH ALREADY. That's at least what I think happened for me. I guess I just sort of feel safe now. I am away from the problem and only have myself to deal with.

 

My ex also suffered from depression, so I know what you mean about that. But he did get on medication and is okay now. You know what drew me most to my ex when I met him? I felt sorry for him. Now I feel sorry for many people. I feel sorry for homeless people on the streets, but it doesn't mean I should date them.

 

Anyway, yeah, my goal for the near future is to think less and less about my ex. I just want it to be released from my mind. You REALLY have to let go of the anger first. That's the secret. The anger will only keep you stuck in one spot. Stop blaming yourself. You have to take a deep breath and tell yourself that it wasn't all your exes fault, too, and let the anger go. The anger will kill you. I had so much festered anger after this all happened. But somethings are just not meant to be, but things might change later. Who knows? So just sit back and try to enjoy your life. Say to yourself if your ex doesn't want to be in your life, you can't make him. It is as pure and simple as that.

 

Good luck.

[snilljente]

I am sorry that you had to go through so many years of suffering...for many people with depression, they may experience side effects, like impotence, with one med and try another and be ok...some people don't realize that it may take a couple of YEARS to get the meds right.....I am sorry that he did not receive better help and that you both suffered as a result of that. Back to your oriignal post...my BF this summer didn't even wait to break up with me to find someone new...he had started seeing her when he and I were still together...I know the pain, I know the humiliation.....and I understand friends and family just wanting you to "get over it" and you not being able/ready to.....he broke my spirit like no one I have ever experienced (I am 36) and I am not sure that I will ever be the same....

[Vonnie]

Hey there,

 

Snilljente: Thank you for your reply back. I am sorry to hear about your heartbreak - it must have been so painful for you. I know the pain I feel now - but I can only slightly imagine what that felt like - where part of me suspects my ex was carrying on an online affair with this Canadian girl for some time - as he said to me prior to us breaking up that this girl was in Oz - backpacking around with her boyfriend ... now they're hooked up - all sounds a little suspect to me. At the break up I was dished typical lines like ' its not you - its me', then criticisms all about me.

 

Anyways - I know it doesn't really matter what 'may' have been the situation. The fact is, it's over, he wasn't in love with me anymore (as he said to me), and gave me back my life. Like I said in a previous post, I spent about 8 years with him in my life - thats nearly one third of my life! I can't expect miracles to happen, and be over him in a flash. It does indeed break your spirit. But we will all be better, and stronger, in time. I know this. Just have to get through the pain first. When we broke up, I said I can't wait until Christmas - coz that would be 3 months - and I would be bound to be feeling better than I did then! Now I say - I can't wait until March - coz that'll be six months by then, and thats my magical number - I'll hopefully be generally OK by then. I'll stop thinking about him regularly, I'll stop stressing about accidentally running into him (not literally!!), or him and his new girlfriend!! He works just around the corner from me, and I go to the gym just around the corner from where he lives. I know his mother wants to see me (she left a message with our mutual hairdresser) - but I just think thats a bad move. I don't really want to know about him - anything. Everything hurts too much. I'll just keep living my life - trying to fill it with many things to stop too much idle time for thinking. I work for my familys 7 day a week retail business - so that takes up the days - but will try to fill the nights with social activites.

 

Moon - it does sound like you have the power now - I hope you keep it. You sounds like you don't want him back - so just don't go there. Apart from finding out about this new girlfriend, I'd been doing OK. I guess because there had been no contact. And yes - breaking up is hard - no matter what. I think particularly harder for the dumpee, although I must admit - I had seen the signs, and really pushed the break up to happen. I guess my biggest problem is I was totally co-dependant on him. And then all of a sudden, he's not dependant back anymore. And like many ppl, I lost most of my own friends during our relationship - so I'm trying to reconnect with those people now.

 

You really hit the nail on the spot though moon - i think the most anger I feel is anger at myself - I'm not really angry at my ex. I don't think about him with anger - I think about him from behind rose coloured glasses. I have to forgive myself for accepting a bad relationship for at least 4 years (as the early years were good - I think), and accepting that I was worthy of no more. That what I lived through was normal. I am now considering the possibility that I am worth much more. And considering the possibility that we were just not meant to be. I was wanting to settle down etc, and he resented that - he just wanted to party and be irresponsible. But thats OK - I just shouldn't have accepted it - I just have gotten out before all of a sudden it was 7.5 years gone! And I'm nearly 30!!! ;-)

 

Anyways - I've spoken enough s*** ... thanks for continually listening to me guys.

 

Bestest wishes,

 

Vonnie

[ziggue]

My Ex left my for his Ex. I don't know what is worse. Finding out your Ex is with someone new or finding out your Ex wants to get back with his Ex and leaves to go back to her.

 

That was the first time I had ever been dumped. It was awful. I fell for him too fast. Even knowing the kind of situation he was in with his Ex they had a kid together as well. I was depressed for a couple of weeks and cried for no reason every now and then out of the blue.

 

It felt like I was a waste of time why did he even bother with me (he was the one that persued me) if he was going back to her in the end anyway?

 

I am glad you are at the healing stage of a break up now. Just keep thinking positive and know breaking up with him will get you closer to who you are meant to be with.

 

After 6 months I end up meeting someone new and he is so wonderful. Hopefully it lasts. He has no kids or crazy Ex's. Thank god.