KissMyTiara Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Enough of Patiently Waiting...let's get back to my drama! It's more entertaining anyhow, right? And y'all don't have to worry about me having any sort of "condition" other than the ususal OW nonsense!! And there's no need to decipher, re-read, look for patterns...it's always the same with me!! Ok, so...I'm thinking about writing an anonymous letter to MM's W telling her about the A. I could write it in such a way that it looks like it's from one of his ex-friends, whom I have met, and whom he doesn't get along with or speak to anymore. I can't wait to hear your responses... Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 So do you honestly think that once the "W" finds out her "H" is cheating, she'll be so angry with him (no doubt she'll be hurt and he'll whisper all the right things to coddle her) but do you think she'll end it with him leaving him free and clear to be with you? Even if this did happen, I almost bet it wouldn't last. Were you feeling left out and needed to be center of attention again huh? How sad! I have to agree with Mustard Bomb (which is why I'm editing this) if you had in fact let her know that you two had been having an Affair when you thought you had your "STD" then it would have been the best thing, but now I'm thinking it's purely out of selfishly motivated reasons that you're wishing to do this! After your posts before about wanting to be in his SUV with his kids, basically wanting to take over his "Wife's" life....and now you want her to find out....either you want to bring her pain (like you're in because you can't "HAVE" him) or you hope doing this will aid you in securing a more secure place in his life or maybe you're just mad cuz he said he can't give you what you want so now you're wanting to make him pay! Link to post Share on other sites
Mustard Bomb Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 I chuckled at the tagline But, oh, please don't. What purpose would that serve? Wait - you thought about doing this before, didn't you? Because of your STDs? I'm not sure what happened there, but has anything changed? Then, it was for a pretty ethical reason, if I remember correctly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted January 2, 2005 Author Share Posted January 2, 2005 Originally posted by Barby So do you honestly think that once the "W" finds out her "H" is cheating, she'll be so angry with him (no doubt she'll be hurt and he'll whisper all the right things to coddle her) but do you think she'll end it with him leaving him free and clear to be with you? Nope, certainly not. I know in my gut that although it would be "anonymous," he'd think I was actually behind it. He'd never forgive a snitch. NEVER. That would be the end of the relationship between him and I. THAT's my goal. Additionally, to answer Mustard Bomb - there is the additional HPV issue. I'd like to assume that she gets regular pap smears, so she'd never really be affected by it anyway, but I just can't let go of that...the "what if she doesn't get them"??? Were you feeling left out and need to be center of attention again huh? How sad! I'm not one who needs to be the center of attention. I do, however, respect a few people's opinions on here, people who have been in this situation either as OW, MM, or W. PW's prior posts were drawing attention away from all the other people on here looking for advice...like me! Ok, so....assuming I DO send this letter...what should it say? Specifics re: HPV, or just that an affair is/was happening? Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Ok, so...I'm thinking about writing an anonymous letter to MM's W telling her about the A. I think you should just let it all go..every ****ing thing. All the BS he gives you, all the BS you want to give the wife and all the BS you give yourself. Just let it go..your reason for telling her has nothing to do with her benefit and has everything to do with you. Walk away from him and end this entire thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky I think you should just let it all go..every ****ing thing. All the BS he gives you, all the BS you want to give the wife and all the BS you give yourself. Just let it go..your reason for telling her has nothing to do with her benefit and has everything to do with you. Walk away from him and end this entire thing. EXACTLY! There is no real concern for anyone but KMT she doesn't give a rat's a$s about the wife's health and there is no need for this extremity just to end the relationship. You can do that with just saying "hey it's over' but you want to cause pain and agony in his marriage/life as well. You don't want to be the only one hurting like you would be if you just ended it like a normal person. Send the letter, go ahead and make yourself feel better, they'll have a tiff but I'm sure in the end they'll work things out, you'll be alone and most likely always regret your decision, you'll deny it to him that it was you, and try and continue as you are because you're probably too weak to be alone... Okay I'm being harsh but Geez don't use someone else's "well being" as an excuse to do this, at least be woman enough to be honest that you want to cause agony to them so you won't be alone in feeling the pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted January 2, 2005 Author Share Posted January 2, 2005 Hmm. Even assuming I am a selfish ass and my intentions are not to protect W from H's future unprotected affairs, that still doesn't answer my question. And you know what? Don't the condoms come off when you get married because you think your SO is going to be faithful? If you know a spouse isn't being faithful AND not using protection...do you seriously keep your mouth shut? Really? What if it was like a lethal STD and not a piddly one that most of us have had at some point in our lives...would you think differently then? Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Originally posted by KissMyTiara Hmm. Even assuming I am a selfish ass and my intentions are not to protect W from H's future unprotected affairs, that still doesn't answer my question. Okay so finally the truth comes out...anyway if you want to send this letter and you're set on doing it I say do it along the lines of this............. Dear "W" I am writing this to inform you of something that I feel you really need to know, both for your emotional and physical well being. I am sorry for the pain that this will ultimately bring you but this is something I have to do. I feel it's important to bring to your attention the fact that your "H" has been having an affair with (your name) for (X amount of time) on a constant basis. (Fill her in on ALL the details) Since this affair has been taking place it has came to light that (you) have HPV and it is very possible that your "H" gave it to (you). I feel this si something very important that you should be aware of and you need to get yourself checked out as well. In closing I want to apologize for the fact that I have aided in destroying your marriage and now very likely your life/lifestyle and breaking your heart but I couldn't allow myself to go on knowing what I know and not informing that person that this mostly affects. This is just an idea... Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 I can't wait to hear your responses... You asked. Ok, so....assuming I DO send this letter...what should it say? Specifics re: HPV, or just that an affair is/was happening? I answered your question when I said end it. Honestly, KMT this entire post makes you seem pathetic and really distasteful. I'm not here to pass judgment on two adults and what they do together, but please don't insult us by acting like you care about the wife. You've been ****ing her husband - you don't give a **** about the wife. Keep some dignity and pride and walk away from this a**h*** that's used you far too long and end the BS you've found yourself in. You know you're better than this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted January 2, 2005 Author Share Posted January 2, 2005 Barby - I am not a selfish ass. And I do care about her feelings. But arguing with everyone about THAT part wasn't getting the job done. So, thanks. That's something I'll use in conjunction with others I get, if any. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted January 2, 2005 Author Share Posted January 2, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky I answered your question when I said end it. No, you didn't. I AM ending it with MM. I AM! But I am also going to fill W in on the extra information. Period. To that end, I wanted some carefully crafted language, such that Barby provided. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Ooops I guess you did read it all, just please be decent about it no matter what your intentions are, put yourself in her situation and tell her as you would like someone to tell you if you were in that situation! Be the better person and at least don't "rub it in" in that sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted January 2, 2005 Author Share Posted January 2, 2005 Originally posted by Barby Ooops I guess you did read it all, just please be decent about it no matter what your intentions are, put yourself in her situation and tell her as you would like someone to tell you if you were in that situation! Be the better person and at least don't "rub it in" in that sense. No rubbing, no how. I even thought I'd post a draft here before sending it, to get final input/edits. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Honestly NO MATTER what I FEEL about "OW" situations, I think that would be a good idea, I'd be willing to give my imput/opinion about it...however to be honest I don't know what would be better....sending it and signing your name/contact info so she can confirm this is real and not some cruel joke, or sending it anonymous but either way you should include how she can contact you so she knows it's real and he can't convince her it's all some "made-up" story...know what I mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Author KissMyTiara Posted January 2, 2005 Author Share Posted January 2, 2005 I considered including an anonymous email and telling her I would be willing to call and speak to her if she wants, but I don't know if I'd want to give her my direct contact information. The point of this thread was to get input just like this. I am going to do it, I just want to figure out the exact way to go about it. I gotta get out of the house. I'll check back later to see if there are anymore suggestions. Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Question and thoughts... I posted my first LS post ever, about a year ago, about the same subject, of wanting to tell my ex-MM's wife. I never did it, but continue to struggle with a sad and sick desire for her to know. I know this is about my own insecurity and issues and anger towards him and I am just trying to keep it in check. While I think I had/have different feeling and drivers around this topic than you might, I understand where you might be coming from. I have a question --- Have you decided that you definitely want his wife to know? Are you sure about that? If so.... If you've decided that you want to tell his Wife, and if you are going to be the one to do it...would you consider owning your actions and just calling her, introducing yourself, and telling her? Instead of crafting some anonymous letter or whatever? Just curious.... Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Additionally, to answer Mustard Bomb - there is the additional HPV issue. I'd like to assume that she gets regular pap smears, so she'd never really be affected by it anyway, but I just can't let go of that...the "what if she doesn't get them"??? it's pretty decent of you to worry about the health of your lover's wife. Not attempting to be snide here, just letting you know that this is a very kind gesture, woman-to-woman. All things considered, especially knowing that yur goal is to end the relationship between you and your lover, do you feel that you would be able to openly and honestly tell her your concerns? that would mean fessing up to having banged her husband, and that would mean causing her undue pain, but the trade-off (in my thinking) would be that you have her best interests (her health) in mind, not merely using her to get back at her husband because the relationship is over. I guess what I'm asking is, are your motives as unselfish as we hope them to be, or is there a revenge factor involved, like with the other poster who wants to shame her ex because she didn't expect to get crapped on? Link to post Share on other sites
veronese Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 KMT, I think you should spill the beans, ALL of them, to his wife. In his wife's position I would want to know, but I understand many other wives don't share this sentiment. Chances are, once his wife knows who she is REALLY married to she won't want him and he'll be all yours. Happy new year by the way KMT. Despite shagging another woman's man you do sound like you have a sense of humour.....the title of this thread is priceless. Take care hun Vx Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky your reason for telling her has nothing to do with her benefit and has everything to do with you. Walk away from him and end this entire thing. Link to post Share on other sites
murasaki Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Your description of your motives in wanting to do this might be believable, if not for one inconsistency in the logic you've presented: if you know your MM will know that you sent it and will never forgive you, why go through the charade of pretending it came from someone else? Why not own the letter yourself, at least having the decency to give her the truth in a genuinely truthful fashion? Because right now, your denials aside, it sure sounds like you're hoping that this will create trouble between them that will propel him to you. Maybe you really want to free yourself from your entanglement, and you think that getting him to hate you is the only way to do it. I can appreciate that on some level -- although even then it might not work out as you'd think. I think there are a couple of different, conflicting motives here: there's the part of you that wants out (and that's the part you're more willing to fess up to here on LS, for understandable reasons), and then there's the part of you that really wants your MM to leave his wife so that he can be yours full-time and openly. Both wishes might be sincere, and although I've never been in an affair I have been in unhappy angst-ridden relationships, so I know just how tortuous it is to be fighting with yourself. I think things get the most messed up, and will cause you the most damage, when you allow one motive to infiltrate an action you are attributing to the other motive. If you want out, and you think the letter will get you out, then act accordingly. And absolutely take Barby & others' advice about being as compassionate to his wife as possible -- you will be using her as an instrument to extricate yourself from something you haven't got the inner strength to end yourself. Don't let your other motive -- the hope that somehow this will magically result in the MM and his wife splitting so that you and he can be together -- influence how you conduct yourself. Tell the truth and sign your own name to it. Take the fall-out head-on, knowing that his anger is the key to your freedom. If that's the only way you can get out of it, perhaps it must be done. Ethically speaking I think it's probably better to "use" the wife as a means of terminating the relationship than to continue sleeping with her husband. But if you do that, you owe it to her to be honest about who you are, and let her know who she's dealing with. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Originally posted by KissMyTiara Enough of Patiently Waiting...let's get back to my drama! It's more entertaining anyhow, right? And y'all don't have to worry about me having any sort of "condition" other than the ususal OW nonsense!! And there's no need to decipher, re-read, look for patterns...it's always the same with me!! Ok, so...I'm thinking about writing an anonymous letter to MM's W telling her about the A. I could write it in such a way that it looks like it's from one of his ex-friends, whom I have met, and whom he doesn't get along with or speak to anymore. I can't wait to hear your responses... Ha Ha....Anonymous!!!! Yeah, right. Stop being so chickensh*t and TELL your MM that you plan to tell the wife-he'll drop you like a hot potato, your heart will be broken, but you'll at least be dignified. Sending anonymous letters to wives doesn't scream "DIGNITY" Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 If you don't tell your "MM" that you're going to tell his wife (which I don't think that you should do because that will give him time to prepare some fake story about why you'd lie to her) then you seriously SHOULD tell the wife who you are and WHY you're telling her...maybe not give her your "contact" info but maybe set a time to call her (at work/home)?? Maybe where she will be able to discuss in detail with you, things that have been going on. I honestly don't think doing it "anonymously" is fair to her in the least bit! You were able to be woman enough to continue the affair knowing he's married so you should be able to be a strong enough woman to be honest with her about who you are. An email could be a good idea or an actual letter but either way you need to let her know about YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 The point of my exercise was that by confronting her MM and stating she's going to tell his wife will sever the relationship..... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 My question is...Say you do find an 'annoymous' way of telling her and he doesn't know it is you... Can YOU live with yourself and this lie if he ends it with his wife and comes to you? Can you look at him in the eyes and know what you did? Know that he will always wonder 'what if' and 'who it was' forever?? Do not do that to his wife. If you want her to know, then TELL HER yourself face to face or in a phone call. If he loves you enough and wants you then all will work out. If he turns his back on you and works it out with his wife well, there is a mess right there and you will be sad and full of regret. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 KMT, if I remember right I think I told you in the past that I wouldn't want to know from the OW BUT if that is the only way I was going to find out my H was being a selfish pr!ck again then I would want to know. I would want to know so I could dump his cheating a$$ and find man that wouldn't do that to me, ever. If I didn't know my H was having a long term A and all that time I could of been w/ a great guy, I would be extremely pi$$ed. Coming from the W I think you should tell her. Make sure you completely end it w/ the MM B4 you contact her. You would look like a fool telling her all about her H having an A if you were still screwing him. Link to post Share on other sites
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