Let's focus the attention back on me...

[Leaf]

No good is going to come from this.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by quankanne

 

I guess what I'm asking is, are your motives as unselfish as we hope them to be, or is there a revenge factor involved, like with the other poster who wants to shame her ex because she didn't expect to get crapped on?

 

 

No, there is no "revenge factor" here. MM has made it very clear how much he still wants to be with and see me, it's not like he's dropped me or something and I am wishing him pain back...like someone else who's been posting a similar thing (I don't remember who right now...).

 

My motives are twofold:

 

1. Get out of this crazy mess with MM, and I know that telling her is one way I can without having to confront him directly. Yes, it is a cowardly way to do it, but I KNOW I NEED to get out, and I have to be selfish in doing it this way, otherwise I'm gonna be in this for even longer... I don't think she will leave him; I think it will force him to avoid seeing me. It's kinda like someone snitching to the cops about who their coke dealer is - it's one step on the road to recovery.

 

2. Her health, woman-to-woman. Y'all don't believe me, but after the worry and tests and allathat that I have been through over the past 2 months, I can honestly say that I wouldn't wish a bad phone call from the OB/GYN on any woman, not even my worst enemy.

 

Spock - I'm not looking for dignity. I, like every other OW, lost that a long time ago when I compromised what I really want from a relationship and settled for table scraps from my MM. I just want out, and I have to do it the right way for ME now.

[Mr Spock]

Spock - I'm not looking for dignity. I, like every other OW, lost that a long time ago when I compromised what I really want from a relationship and settled for table scraps from my MM. I just want out, and I have to do it the right way for ME now.

 

Oh rubbish. Loss of dignity is something YOU perceive, not others. You want out, yet you can't be the one to cut him off-don't you see that any other way than doing the right thing (which in this case is stopping the relationship on YOUR end) is weak? And slightly selfish. Confess your dilemma to him. Tell him if he continues to contact you you will have no choice but to tell his wife-you need out of this relationship. See where that gets you first.

[KissMyTiara]

But doesn't telling him of my intention give him a big 'ole opportunity to go running to his W to prepare her so that no matter what I say, even re: the HPV, she won't head?

[Mr Spock]

First of all KMT your concern isn't REALLY for her, no matter how much you say it is it's not. By telling him that you wish to end things and that if he continues to contact you you'll spill the beans it will A.Keep him away from you (hopefully) B.Prove to yourself you're really not just going to throw that wrench in there and hope he comes running to you when things explode (yes, you've been playing that out in your head) C.End things and allow you to finally move on.

 

 

He's not going to go running to her to say "hey there is some crazy lady who thinks we're having an affair" he's not going to say anything. What he'll do is hopefully stay the heck out of your life. I think he will.

 

I won't kid you KMT it's not going to feel good doing it......

[murasaki]

I think Mr. Spock's idea would be a good one, if not for the fact that it will give him time to tell his wife a tale so that she won't be inclined to believe you. But that ultimately doesn't matter. If you seek to terminate the relationship with him, and his knowledge that you will reveal the affair to his wife will be enough to make him end it, then that's all you need to do -- tell him that you will be alerting her unless a) the relationship ends with no further contact from him, except for b) he must send you proof that his wife has been tested for HPV. Leave it to him to figure out how to get her to be tested, if she hasn't been already. Tell him that you need that proof and then you must never hear from him again, or you will take the matter up with his wife directly.

 

I still can't help but wonder, though, if you're really and truly wanting out of this. Your idea of doing it "anonymously" suggests otherwise. And this isn't the first time you've been convinced that you were going to end it and/or were over him. I hope you're being honest with yourself, because you're right, you do deserve better than what you've got with this guy.

[KissMyTiara]

Well, there have been times when I have hinted that I would tell her. "You know, {Name,}, sometimes I am just soooo tempted to pick up the phone and call {her name} and tell her what you've been doing, so it would all be out in the open...soooo tempted..."

 

He doesn't even bat an eyelash. The calls don't stop or even wane.

[murasaki]

I forgot to add before that it doesn't really matter if his wife knows or not, if your purpose is to end things with him. So giving him a heads up shouldn't matter, if in so doing you force him to sever ties with you.

[Mr Spock]

That's because he knows he has you so dick whipped you won't do ANYTHING that would constitute him not seeing you anymore. Honestly KMT, ending things with him in a way similar to what I mentioned is the best way for YOU to get rid of the delusions we tend to harbour of what we want to happen. It won't in this case, he's stated he won't leave. You have this fantasy worked out in your head where he will come running to you when things go sour at home.

 

Tell him things are ending, and if he continues to contact you you WILL call his wife. Give yourself a healing period of 3 months then do that thing where the clinic will inform her anonymously of HPV contracton risks. But don't do that until you've ended things, and have been clear of him for a while.

[murasaki]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

 

He doesn't even bat an eyelash. The calls don't stop or even wane.

 

OK, for one thing he knew you were kidding. Don't you think you'd get a rather different reaction if you made it clear you weren't kidding?

 

But on the other hand, if you think that he wouldn't stop just because his wife finds out, what would be the point in telling her, or threatening to? Remember, in seeking to make things difficult for him, easier for yourself, or whatever you're hoping for, there is an innocent person who will without question be very shaken and hurt by you revealing your affair to her. Whatever her flaws as a person and a wife, they don't justify your affair with her husband, and they don't justify you hurting her. If you must tell her so that the affair will end -- which would ultimately be to her advantage -- that's one thing. Not great, but perhaps the best thing possible under the circumstances. But unless you're very sure that telling her will end things between you and him, you have no right, none whatsoever, to inflict that kind of hurt on her.

[fanou22]

KMT,

 

You are trying to get him to end things with you. You want him to do it so you can be angry at him and call him every name that you could think of. Right?

 

He won't end it with you no matter what you say to him.

 

If you really want out then get out of the relationship. The friendship umbrella does not even work. To end the relationship you have to accept the end and act upon it. If you are looking for the cat and mouse games, then you are already there since you keep on swinging back and forth.

 

Now back to main post, Allow me my devilish thought (I did think about this at one time):

Hire a PI and have the report hand delivered to her. It has to include pictures though.

[SummerRae]

Personally, CMT, I wouldn't bother contacting her. I know your temptation. I understand the feelings you are feeling. And will share with you my own un-dignified tale in the hopes that I can persuade you NOT to make the same mistake I did....

 

After I found out my ex was not just a man but a married man, I did contact his wife, but at this time, I pretty much knew that she knew about me or at least of me (she posted something to other forum that I used to belong to.... long story short, if we hadn't "coincedently" been on the same site, I never would have found out about him being married). N e how, I looked her up and called her. She did in fact know all about me, and luckily she was quite sympathetic towards me. (He begged her not to tell me about him being married because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. She complied.) I was a little pi$$ed at her for not telling me though! I thought what kind of woman would protect her husband in that way, and be a part of such ultimate harm and deceipt with her H.

 

N e ways, the weeks that ensued after I was an emotional wreach to say the least. I called her a few times, I don't know what the fu(k I was thinking, except that I was trying to make myself feel better. I ended up feeling more humiliated and super guilty for any hurt that I could have caused her. I think I was both looking for consolance and looking to make myself feel better, hoping he would leave her for me, even though I know that when it would actually come down to it, I wouldn't fu(cking want him if my life depended on it. There would be wayyy too many fuc(ked up memories of deceipt, and I would never trust him, etc... (Sorry if to swear so much, I'm at a bit of an angry stage towards all that happened........)

 

N e ways, I just wish that I had of NOT contacted her and just gone on with my life. That would have helped me to begin to heal from all this. But, no, instead my ego hung on. Please think hard about it KMT. What comes around goes around and he'll get his share. Believe me.

[Owl]

Bahhhh.....

 

I say just show up at his house tonite unannounced for dinner. Introduce yourself, and ask for a helping of mashed 'taters. When his wife asks who the hell are you, just let her know the whole story. That should effectively end things between you and him....

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Owl

Bahhhh.....

 

I say just show up at his house tonite unannounced for dinner. Introduce yourself, and ask for a helping of mashed 'taters. When his wife asks who the hell are you, just let her know the whole story. That should effectively end things between you and him....

 

 

I contemplated showing up on his doorstep with the Christmas gift he gave me in tow...figured I'd give it to her, she's the one who deserves expensive jewelry!

[murasaki]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

I contemplated showing up on his doorstep with the Christmas gift he gave me in tow...figured I'd give it to her, she's the one who deserves expensive jewelry!

 

tsk-tsk... come on KMT, that's not why you'd bring the jewelry, even if you relinquished it. You'd bring it to show her that he buys YOU expensive jewelry.

 

I know I keep pushing you to be honest with yourself about your true motives; believe it or not, I'm not trying to be an obnoxious pest. I do know how hard it can be to let go of someone that you fully know isn't good for you, a relationship that is far from meeting your needs, and is much less than you deserve. I also know what it's like to tell myself I'm over someone when in fact I'm not, and to engage in behavior that I told myself was to establish distance and closure when in fact it was really about getting him back. I really think you make things much, much harder on yourself when you don't allow yourself to be honest with yourself.

 

From what you've said, I don't think you really care much about his wife one way or another, do you? If anything it sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards her -- even if you know that the resentment is unreasonable, doesn't make you look mature, etc. I also think that you're not really wanting out, at least not as a first choice. I think you're still hoping, secretly, that their marriage will end and he will be yours. I know that a month ago you were determined to be over him, and you claim that you would be if not for his persistence. I think you've reached the point where you're really ready to face the fact that you cannot go on like this anymore, and if he can't be all yours you must be rid of him entirely. But I think you're still hoping that he could be all yours, that somehow his wife might remove herself from the picture -- or push him to choose between the two of you.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh with you, and I'm not suggesting that you're deliberately dishonest. But the sooner you allow yourself to acknowledge what's really going on, the sooner you'll be able to pursue a solution that will truly be in your best interest.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by murasaki

 

 

tsk-tsk... come on KMT, that's not why you'd bring the jewelry, even if you relinquished it. You'd bring it to show her that he buys YOU expensive jewelry.

 

From what you've said, I don't think you really care much about his wife one way or another, do you?

 

 

No, I'd give it back to HIM, because I know it would hurt him to have me give back something he picked out and spent money on...

 

I really don't care whether or not you believe me about my intentions. I harbour absolutely NO ill will towards this woman. None. For those that DO believe me, I will head their advice.

[Mr Spock]

Oh just pawn it and buy yourself something else. That would hurt most.

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by murasaki

tsk-tsk... come on KMT, that's not why you'd bring the jewelry, even if you relinquished it. You'd bring it to show her that he buys YOU expensive jewelry.

 

I know I keep pushing you to be honest with yourself about your true motives; believe it or not, I'm not trying to be an obnoxious pest. I do know how hard it can be to let go of someone that you fully know isn't good for you, a relationship that is far from meeting your needs, and is much less than you deserve. I also know what it's like to tell myself I'm over someone when in fact I'm not, and to engage in behavior that I told myself was to establish distance and closure when in fact it was really about getting him back. I really think you make things much, much harder on yourself when you don't allow yourself to be honest with yourself.

 

From what you've said, I don't think you really care much about his wife one way or another, do you? If anything it sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards her -- even if you know that the resentment is unreasonable, doesn't make you look mature, etc. I also think that you're not really wanting out, at least not as a first choice. I think you're still hoping, secretly, that their marriage will end and he will be yours. I know that a month ago you were determined to be over him, and you claim that you would be if not for his persistence. I think you've reached the point where you're really ready to face the fact that you cannot go on like this anymore, and if he can't be all yours you must be rid of him entirely. But I think you're still hoping that he could be all yours, that somehow his wife might remove herself from the picture -- or push him to choose between the two of you.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh with you, and I'm not suggesting that you're deliberately dishonest. But the sooner you allow yourself to acknowledge what's really going on, the sooner you'll be able to pursue a solution that will truly be in your best interest.

 

AMEN to that. KMT, like I said, I soooo know the feelings you are going through. And though it seems like this is the only way to end it, let me assure you it's not. Me talking to MM's wife DID NOT stop him from contacting you. You likely fill a need in him that his wife doesn't and therefore he has an even HARDER time letting you go.

 

I don't know if you're religious or not, but even if you're not, have you tried praying? I was never a religious person until this happened to me and honestly I think the only way I have kept my sanity is with faith in what I choose to call God. I think that there is something bigger and better for you out there KMT. You really seem like a glamorous (not just because of the pic--is that Audrey Hepburn?? But because of how you write) and a beautiful person who's just in pain right now.

 

I know what you are going through, please know that! I even thought about mailing all the freaking letters and emails to his house, but I knew that that would not make her leave, all it would do is hurt her. If your MM hasn't gotten caught yet, he will, it's only a matter of time. And don't you think his W must have at least an inkling of suspicion??

[Debster]

Did you ever think that by telling the wife - that you would then become a target.

 

It is not just OW who can be psycho. After all, you are messing with her life and family. She might think a little payback is in order.

[KissMyTiara]

Honestly, no, I don't think she has an inkling of suspicion: our relationship has not affected his time with her or the kids; he never has weird random absences; we don't talk or see each other on the weekend unless it's something she would perceive as legit (e.g., he goes to watch football at a sportsbar with his friends, she can call him there, he's there, but...so am I); we see each other during work hours (and his job requires him to be out of the office often, all over the county); his cell phone is paid for by work, so she never sees the bill; he is computer illiterate, and only uses his work email. The list goes on and on.

 

The only way she'd know is if his behavior towards her is changing, and she's wondering... OR, if his secretary, good friend, brother, or cousin, tattled on him.

 

In other words, if I don't speak up, no, I don't think she'd ever find out...at least not about me, maybe someone else down the line.

[whichwayisup]

In other words, if I don't speak up, no, I don't think she'd ever find out...at least not about me, maybe someone else down the line.

 

Thing is you don't know their dynamtic at home and she is married to the guy so she must know his moods, his expressions and if he is 'hiding' something or acting strange. She is not a stupid person and eventually she will put two and two together...Or somebody will see you two at the bar hanging out and then it won't be long after that. The world is a small place sometimes.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Pocky

I'm not making any assumption that the OW is out to get the wife. However I am making the assumption hat the OW didn't consider the feelings or safety of the wife when they started an affair or during the affair.

 

Yes, fine, true, absolutely correct, right on, I wasn't thinking about her at all. You're wrong, but does it make you feel better to have me say that? So what if I wasn't thinking about her THEN?!?! This is NOW!! Which leads me to your very next sentence...

 

The OW seems to only consider the wife when the affair is ending or needs to end for whatever reasons. Now all of a sudden the OW wants to set things straight by telling the wife the truth.

 

Yes, fine, true, absolutely correct, right on, I am NOW considering the W!!!

 

If the moment I found out about MM being married I had run to W to tell her what he was up to (as in, he was SERIOUSLY COURTING ME, promising me things, etc., trying to get me into the sack, and I had NO CLUE he was married), would it THEN be okay to tell her?

 

Is it only because I was "not" thinking about her THEN (when I continued anyways, knowing what I knew) that makes it improper for me to tell her NOW? Is it only that mistake I made, back then, that prevents her from knowing the truth? So are all mistakes bound to hurt indefinately? When can the healing begin?

 

 

Moderator's Note: This post, and subsequent responses to it, have been moved from another discussion thread since they pertain to the topic of this thread, rather than the topic of the thread in which they originally appeared.

[DoggyDog]

For a thought, maybe you can get a doctor to send the W a letter stating that

her husband contacted ??????(forgot name) and she should get a checkup for

possible ?????? No need to write anyones name. It happened to me that's how I know....I received a letter from clinic that someone I had Sex with had an STD that was curable and he gave my name plus others. I too had to give names of who I had been with so that they were able to be given medication for precaution.....so that's what my situation was....It can be confidential and the wife doesn't have to know about you either.....She really should be aware of this.....Good luck

 

L DD

[fanou22]

How many times have we read posts that W had her suspicions and did not want to confront her husband?

 

"Marriage" and "Infidelity" boards are so full of these stories. Maybe W knows and thinks that he is going through a stage and he will be over it. What she does not know is since her Husband had multiple affairs, he is a sex addict and may need some form of therapy.

 

Am I the only one to notice that there is a big bunch of mid-thirties men (married or not), all they care about is sexual gratification on a daily basis?

[murasaki]

First you say this:

 

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

I contemplated showing up on his doorstep with the Christmas gift he gave me in tow...figured I'd give it to her, she's the one who deserves expensive jewelry!

 

And then this:

 

No, I'd give it back to HIM, because I know it would hurt him to have me give back something he picked out and spent money on...

 

All the while claiming that you're concerned about his wife. How will she find out if you don't tell her, you wonder? Why are you so anxious to have her know about you? People have given you suggestions about how to alert her to the necessity of getting checked for HPV without blatantly telling her about the affair. But... if she did get tested, and thankfully was negative, would you then stop sleeping with her husband, lest you continue to risk exposing her? No? Then do you really have her best interests at heart?

 

If you don't want to heed the advice of people who are dealing with you in an honest, straight-forward, non-accusatory fashion, that's fine. If you were just looking for a rubberstamp for your plan, why didn't you say so in the first place?