Let's focus the attention back on me...

[murasaki]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

Thank you SoleMate, from the bottom of my poor withered little heart. The "lesser evil" is precisely the path that I am planning to take, and your post was exactly the sort of support I was looking for. Thank you.

 

I agree that SoleMate's post was excellent, and I'm glad it hit home KMT. As I said when I first responded to you in this thread, I can see how this "lesser evil" might be necessary. But going back to the source of controversy between us, I just want to say that I really think that you will be better off if you don't tip off the wife "anonymously." Make your intentions clear to everyone: the MM, his wife, and most of all yourself. You want out. It's not some "anonymous friend" who thinks enough is enough. It's not his wife's call to end it; it's not even his. It's yours.

[Barby]

I offered some support/advice on context of letter...I don't agree with your actions either but frankly since they don't directly effect me I hope you do what's best for YOU. I could care less what you actually do but it's better to know where someone's true feelings/motives lie so you can advise them to what you think may be best for them. If they say one thing but mean something else how are you suppossed to give helpful advice? What sense does that make anyway?

[Pocky]

And yet everyone here is trying to make sure that her motives are 'pure" and she is "honest about her feelings".

 

I don't care if she's honest about her feelings I'm just not in the mood to be BS'd by someone that thinks they're motives for ruining someone else's life are altruistic.

 

And that she does this all in the most dignified way possible, while being an icon of selfless strength. Why? Is it really central? Do you ask the same questions and make the same demands of someone trying to kick crystal meth?

 

Well you wouldn't ask the drug user to get their friend hooked so the drug dealer stops contacting the friend instead, would you? Because KMT isn't able to quit her habit herself she's got to bring in someone else to do it for her regardless of how much pain and suffering she'll cause? Forgive, but I don't think that's entirely fair.

 

Let's support KMT in her quest to quit. I'll tell you from the heart...that in her shoes, which I so very much hope and believe I would never find myself wearing, I would seriously consider triggering a crisis that would accomplish my #1, overriding goal - shaking the MM. KMT, if you have to crawl in the gutter or be impure or dishonest to get rid of this "thing" - DO IT! To remedy a greater evil, you may need to commit a lesser one. In this situation, for you, time is of the essence. Whatever it takes to do it quick is WORTH it.

 

I have been telling KMT to quit this loser for quite some time now. I'm all for her ending this and I'm supporting her for the decision she's making. What I don't support is her telling the wife. And what I dislike are her reasons for telling the wife.

 

LET ME REPEAT: In my view, the best thing we can do is to support KMT in her efforts to SHAKE THIS CREEPY CRAWLY THING off her back and out of her panties as FAST as possible.

 

Many of us do support her - I don't think some of us support her telling the wife. Two different things entirely.

 

AND...as long as I am ranting...let me say that I think some of the needling of KMT is really just a quest to punish her for her OW transgressions. Take a look back and read your own posts, everybody. Which were primarily advice and support (I mean support of her as a human being , NOT support of her affair or necessarily any of her actions) and which were nasty jabs, intended to show how wrong every one of her thoughts and intentions are? IMO, being an OW has its own punishment built into the situation (the pain, loneliness, humiliation, regrets, and derailing of one's life), so I don't feel the need to add on any more. In fact, sometimes the built-in punishment is disproprtionately harsh.

 

And being the wife of a man that has an affair has its own punishment. Why the wife must be forced to deal with this reality is beyond me. It's not KMT's right to inflict this reality on this woman.

 

C'mon, everybody...who here is going to support KMT in quitting the affair?

 

I've always supported her and I always will but I refuse to support her decision to anonymously tell the wife. I think it's unjustly cruel and self-centered. I don't believe that this is the right way to get over this relationship. I don't feel it's right for her to completely shatter the world of this woman.

 

__________________

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by Karlise13

I think your continued focus on what 'needs' to be 'done' with regards to this entanglement/relationship merely indicates that you are not ready to bid adieu to it.

 

I think oftentimes we maintain 'relationships' under the guise of 'ending things' as we continue plotting our next moves, discussing our ex-person's actions, analyzing the sporadic communications we still have with them, arguing and debating, returning items, asking for items back, scribbling notes, sending terse 'final' e-mails, imagining their home life, concocting small plays in our head where we triumph as the other wallows in pain and regret, telling others to 'be careful of him' and 'I think you should know' and 'As one woman to another I feel compelled to be truthful', allowing that magical rush of fear and resentment to wash over us....

 

 

 

You know, the 'healing' begins when YOU move on KMT.

 

At this point you are not 'healing'. You are picking at an angry wound and expressing to us here, "GODDAMN IT..... I'M WOUNDED AND PISSED!"

 

And we can see it, bloody and oozing.

 

Wise words. And KMT, I've been following your story and I can completely relate to you and your feelings. It's hard. Sometimes we really have to hit the fu(cking bottom (pardon my french) until we can hurt no more. Then we are ready to get up, wipe ourselves off and say, "Thank God, it's over now."

 

Just keep going through the process. I admire your honesty on this forum.

[SummerRae]

KMT, I have still been thinking about your post, very thought-provoking!

 

No one truly knows how it feels to be the OW until they are there! I never wanted to be one, it's not exactly something I dreamed about. I didn't know he was married when I met him, he lied for a VERY long time and being military, I had NO idea he was married, but that's besides the point. Once I found out, I was so fu(ked up and in love with him that I stayed. I continued and tortured myself on and off and on and off more times than I care to count for 8 months. Does that make me pathetic? Does that mean I'm a bad human being? Or just human in dire need to love and be loved and sometimes not in the most "beneficial" ways?

 

Being the OW and hearing all the lies and neatly packaged words of "love," can make you blind. It can hurt you sooo deep inside yourself that it is all you can do NOT to think about it. I obsessed. I confess.

 

It was not by choice. Despite what my intelligence, and good natured self told me, my EGO would not let it go. Everytime he contacted me, he would pull a string of my heart and I would somehow imagine that maybe, just maybe he loved me enough to leave her. That I would never find someone who understood me so. That all the history we had, the weekends away together, him being at my side through my parent's divorce, and my grandfather's dreadful death, would have been for nothing.

 

Sometimes when we have a dream, a really big dream, it is so hard to let it die. I have never been so humiliated. And yet so humbled. It has made me a better, if anything more compassionate person, despite (or perhaps because of) all the pain I have went through.

 

Please have compassion for KMT. It is not for us to judge. We have a hard enough time when we judge ourselves.

[murasaki]

Originally posted by SummerRae

 

Please have compassion for KMT. It is not for us to judge. We have a hard enough time when we judge ourselves.

 

You know, while I agree with the sentiment that people who respond to KMT should do so only if they're seeking to offer constructive feedback, I think that this is overstating the negativity that some people have injected into this thread. I just logged on and re-read through the whole thing, and while a few people who are unsympathetic and hostile to OW have weighed in, by far the majority of posts have been people responding to what KMT has said, and which attempt to engage with her sincerely and helpfully.

 

I don't see much judgment in this thread. I see people responding with honesty, sincerity, and objectivity.

[KissMyTiara]

In this thread, yes, it's true, there hasn't been too much vehement venom spitting - not too much attacking. But in others that all of you have read and responded to, I HAVE been attacked - quite viciously, actually - mostly by betrayed spouses who have no idea what it's like to be in my shoes. It's a lot of "you got what you deserve," "you should continue to suffer," "you are a horrible person with bad intentions," etc. Those who have never been in the shoes of an OW in love shouldn't judge me because they cannot possibly understand my feelings. [same reason why I refuse to go to a male OB/GYN! How could HE know what it's like?!]

 

Anyhow...You guys don't know me, but if you talked to any of my friends or coworkers, you would find that I really, really am a good person. I do have good intentions. I am in this situation because I was manipulated and lied to, and I was already so incredibly "in love" with MM by the time I found out he was married. And I was stupid, stupid, stupid, for deciding to continue on in the relationship, I admit that. And I know it's stupid now to still be stuck in the same place. But that doesn't make me evil, doesn't make my intentions misplaced. It just means I'm not as smart when it comes to matters of my own heart as I am to the Code of Civil Procedure or the Rules of Evidence, or even to other peoples' relationships (always easier to see the problems from the outside, ain't it?).

 

I'm a woman "in love," and like I said in another thread, it's painful to be in love. Nothing worse. Well, yes there is...being in love with a MM.

 

And finally, unlike someone else's comment, I am not a scumbag attorney. I have a heart. I am one of those people fighting for the little people. I fight for everyone else but myself, that's all.

[Debster]

You know it's pretty sad when love is painful. Love is supposed to make you happy.

I have had painful loves. Thankfully I have put them behind me and got out of those relationships.

 

When you do find your real love it won't be painful. Granted, it won't be smooth sailing - but the person who you love and who loves you in return shouldn't bring you pain - at least not intentionally.

 

I wish you luck in finding real love. There's nothing like it.

[DoggyDog]

KMT

If you need to "hurt" your MM in order for you to let go.....Do it.

 

I did years ago. Found out MM was still in town when I thought he was in Calif promoting a book/movie we had written together. (took us 4 mos) Anyway, something told me to check out his garbage (yes...I did say garbage) and low and behold was an envelope with Love BV (his wife's name "B") -- it was a Valentine from him. He was "HOME" all along.

 

I lost it....I called his house and told the W that I was "PREGNANT" by her H. That I've been seeing him almost 2 years and living with him too. Needless to say, I destroyed his little lie of a life. But I do regret that his W ended up in the hospital from a "breakdown" over what I said. But you know what - I was able to let go and though I had grief. I know I got back at my lover (MM)...later down the line they "divorced" Wonder Why?

So do what you need to do....

 

L DD

[Naive]

So did you tell his W?

[KissMyTiara]

I didn't mean being in love causes pain. It causes heartache. When you're in love, regardless of whether or not in love with a married person, just being away from them causes you heartache. You feel pain at the very thought of not having them in your life, of not seeing them again, touching them again, smelling them again, hearing them again. The thought alone brings pain. That's what "in love" is, at least to me.

 

"Love-Love" just brings peace.

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

In this thread, yes, it's true, there hasn't been too much vehement venom spitting - not too much attacking. But in others that all of you have read and responded to, I HAVE been attacked - quite viciously, actually - mostly by betrayed spouses who have no idea what it's like to be in my shoes. It's a lot of "you got what you deserve," "you should continue to suffer," "you are a horrible person with bad intentions," etc. Those who have never been in the shoes of an OW in love shouldn't judge me because they cannot possibly understand my feelings. [same reason why I refuse to go to a male OB/GYN! How could HE know what it's like?!]

 

Anyhow...You guys don't know me, but if you talked to any of my friends or coworkers, you would find that I really, really am a good person. I do have good intentions. I am in this situation because I was manipulated and lied to, and I was already so incredibly "in love" with MM by the time I found out he was married. And I was stupid, stupid, stupid, for deciding to continue on in the relationship, I admit that. And I know it's stupid now to still be stuck in the same place. But that doesn't make me evil, doesn't make my intentions misplaced. It just means I'm not as smart when it comes to matters of my own heart as I am to the Code of Civil Procedure or the Rules of Evidence, or even to other peoples' relationships (always easier to see the problems from the outside, ain't it?).

 

I'm a woman "in love," and like I said in another thread, it's painful to be in love. Nothing worse. Well, yes there is...being in love with a MM.

 

And finally, unlike someone else's comment, I am not a scumbag attorney. I have a heart. I am one of those people fighting for the little people. I fight for everyone else but myself, that's all.

 

KMT, thanx for posting all this! I have behaved exactly the same way. I was too in love when I found out he was married to end things. But little by little I'm starting to see that it's not REAL Love, as in the Love I am meant for, but nevertheless it's painful as fu(king he!! But at least you are being honest and real about your feelings. First step of moving on.

 

You really sound like a nice person. I know through being in love that, yes, it can bring hella pain. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. The worst is the sleepless nights, or the times when you feel so alone that you don't know what to do, just to make it through the night.

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by murasaki

You know, while I agree with the sentiment that people who respond to KMT should do so only if they're seeking to offer constructive feedback, I think that this is overstating the negativity that some people have injected into this thread. I just logged on and re-read through the whole thing, and while a few people who are unsympathetic and hostile to OW have weighed in, by far the majority of posts have been people responding to what KMT has said, and which attempt to engage with her sincerely and helpfully.

 

I don't see much judgment in this thread. I see people responding with honesty, sincerity, and objectivity.

 

Yes, I agree Murasaki, I think I was mixing up this thread with some of the other KMT thread responses. I was just trying to encourage more constructive feedback, thanx for the correction.