Wife attempted suicide after saying I want a dirvoce

[SomeoneCA]

My wife attempted suicide today. After discussing divorce all morning and physically restraining her for 3 hours to stop her threats of suicide (with bites and scratch marks to prove it), she tried to kill herself by drinking a household cleaner.911 was called, taken to ER and is now under the state's care for 72 hours while she is evaluated. Sheriff's and EMT came and committed her.

 

I feel that this is my fault. That I've fallen out of love with her and pushed her to this point. There is a lot of resentment and issues between us.

 

 

• I was rushed into marriage because if we didn't, she would have to leave the country. We were engaged, but it still happened sooner than I wanted.
  
• Has a hard time dealing with my children, from a previous marriage, when they are around.
  
• Doesn't work and stays home. Been looking for work, but nothing is good enough for her.
  
• Doesn't try to stay in shape or stay healthy.
  
• Takes care of about half of the household chores/items. I still have to do the other half.
  
• Still wants access to half of everything I make, which is quite a bit. I told her today I wanted a signed post-nuptial agreement about assets to feel safer that she's not in it for the money.
  
• Restricts me from inviting friends over to the house because she doesn't trust them.
  
• Won't let me do extracurricular classes because there are "too many women" in martial arts/exercise/whatever class I want to take.
  
• Has broken down before and promised to get better, but never as bad as today.
  
• She says that she can't be happy without me, begs me to stay with her.
  

 

For the past week, all of this has just kind of come out and I've put it right in front of her. I put up with it before, but I guess I just snapped recently. She wants everything "the way it was" and I said that until those things get fixed, I'll never be happy. She's been trying and has reversed a lot of her behaviors in the past week. I just have a hard time trusting it will stick and I told her this. She's made promises to change after previous mental breakdowns as well, but they don't stick.

 

I feel like I pushed her to suicide and that I should try to keep things together because she made an effort. I'm not saint because I made her feel terrible and I'm sure I have my problems.

 

Not sure what to do here. I don't feel safe at home when she gets back. I'm thinking of moving out before she returns, but then who would watch her? I don't want to come home one day and find her dead in the living room.

 

Very conflicted.

[SomeoneCA]

Unfortunately, she's not from the US so she doesn't have any family here. Just some friends in the local area. We talked about her going back with her family, but her only response was to make sure they got all the money that I would have given to her because she won't be needing it.

 

I don't want to reenforce her behavior so I don't think I'm likely to stay in the relationship. Just want to make sure she doesn't try this again.

 

I'll talk with the person evaluating her tomorrow.

 

Inner_Strength, what did you do in your situation? Did you stick around or leave? Did it make a difference?

[M30USA]

I made the mistake to stay in the relationship, the same issues and reasons I was separately were still there and when I tried to break it off again, the same thing repeated itself. This is a GF/BF relationship, not a marriage but it blends in the same way as yours. The second time around I had to wrestle a butcher knife out of her hands, it was just so bad. After that I left for sure and made her I got in contact with any family she had.

 

Your situtation is different because she doesn't have immediate family around. The best thing you can do is to talk with those evalulating her and let them know what is happening, that you are leaving and can not go back but want to make sure she is safe and well. Is it not possible to contact her family out of the country?

 

Only those who've experienced this can understand.

[beach]

You can't do it for her - that's up to her.

 

You do not owe her family money. She's a grown woman and would most likely do better by earning money herself - and sending the money she earns to her family if she chooses to do so.

 

If divorcing her is your intent - divorce her. Staying out of pity isn't helpful.

[SomeoneCA]

I know I will have incredible guilt if she actually succeeds and I'm not around.

[beach]

I know I will have incredible guilt if she actually succeeds and I'm not around.

 

Then you need help. What she does is only her own doing.

[Downtown]

Someone, the behaviors you describe -- verbal abuse, temper tantrums, irrational anger, inability to trust ("doesn't trust my friends"), irrational jealousy ("too many women in martial arts"), very controlling, emotional immaturity, lack of impulse control, strong sense of entitlement ("nothing is ever good enough for her"), and emotional instability -- are classic traits of BPD, which my exW has.

 

Of course, you cannot determine whether your W's BPD traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having full-blown BPD. Only professionals can make a diagnosis. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD. There is nothing subtle about strong occurrences of traits such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, and temper tantrums.

 

I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits -- albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone has the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits these traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she has most of these traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you are capable of spotting any red flags that exist if you take time to learn the warning signs. I therefore ask whether you've seen most of the following behaviors:

• 1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
  
• 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
  
• 3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
  
• 4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
  
• 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
  
• 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
  
• 7. Low self esteem;
  
• 8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
  
• 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
  
• 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
  
• 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
  
• 12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
  
• 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
  
• 14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
  
• 15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
  
• 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
  
• 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
  
• 18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
  

Someone, if most of those warning signs sound very familiar, I suggest you read my more detailed description of BPD red flags in my posts at Crazy I think but I love her anyway. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. I suspect M30 would join that discussion too because he's very knowledgeable about BPD traits. Take care, Someone.

[stillafool]

Stop blaming yourself. You did not push her to suicide she did this herself. So are you just going to stay with her so she doesn't attempt suicide again? Call her family and let them handle it. I have alot of experience with suicide with friends as well as my own brother. My experience is people who truly want to commit suicide do it in private with no one around to stop them. They do not threaten it they do it.

Edited December 8, 2013 by stillafool

[d0nnivain]

I am so sorry you are going through this but it's not your fault she tried to kill herself. It can be very hard to accept that but people make their own choices. You may need to get youself some counseling just in case but you can't stay in an unhappy marriage because the other person blackmailed you into it. That's why you got married in the 1st place -- for her to stay in your country. Now you are going to stay married to her because she roped you into that too?

[SomeoneCA]

The counselor that saw her today just recommended that I be supportive and avoid discussion about the relationship right now. Just encourage her to get her counseling.

 

Going to be hard to do. Was planning on moving out, but probably not the best thing right now. May send her over the edge.

 

I feel like I'm going to be a caretaker now and less of a friend/spouse.

[GuyInLimbo]

This is very tough. Clearly, you are married to a mentally unstable, unhealthy person. The indications of BPD are there.

 

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU did not make her drink the poison. SHE made that decision. Your guilt is understandable, but you have to get to place where you realize that your wife is not healthy and you can't be responsible for that.

 

I've been where you are (although my ex g/f never carried through with the suicide threats) and it's not easy. It's a nightmare.

[SomeoneCA]

GuyInLimbo, how did you get away from it without feeling like you were ruining their life by leaving them?

 

That's what it seems like right now from what she tells me.

[Downtown]

...how did you get away from it without feeling like you were ruining their life by leaving them?

What helped me the most was realizing that I was harming my exW more by staying than by leaving. Like you, I was trapped in a toxic marriage -- for 15 years in my case -- by my misguided feelings of guilt. Like your W, my exW would threaten suicide every time I tried to enforce my personal boundaries and insist that she stop being abusive.

 

Her suicide threats began with trips to a nearby, very tall bridge. When I would get upset over her latest outrage (e.g., $5,000 owed on a hidden credit card I discovered), she would burst into tears and then leave our home. She would walk to the bridge, knowing I was following protectively behind about 50 feet. This occurred several times. It stopped only when I stopped following her there.

 

Instead, she started calling me from the nearest subway platform, telling me she was going to jump in front of the next train. Then she would hang up the phone. This also happened several times. It stopped only when I stopped running down to the subway station.

 

It took me 15 years of these terrifying experiences to learn that, all the while, I had been harming my exW by being her "enabler," i.e., the person who enabled her to throw temper tantrums and behave like a spoiled four year old -- and GET AWAY WITH IT. By protecting her from ever having to suffer the logical consequences of her childish behavior, I was unwittingly destroying all of her opportunities to have to confront her issue -- BPD -- and learn how to manage it.

 

After 15 years of suicide threats and abuse, I finally divorced my exW -- but only after I realized that personality disorders like BPD can be successfully managed (not cured) if the BPDer chooses to work hard in therapy for several years. Hence, walking away from a BPDer who refuses therapy is NOT like walking away from a wife suffering an incurable disease.

 

Indeed, BPD is NOT a disease at all. Rather, it is a dysfunctional way of thinking that can be largely managed by training the mind to think like an adult, not like a young child. However, BPDers have no incentive to do that training as long as they have a caregiver spouse who allows them to continue behaving like a child.

 

I mention all this, Someone, to encourage you to determine whether your W has strong traits of a personality disorder like BPD. If she does, you likely are harming her by staying in the toxic marriage.

[findingnemo]

I haven't experienced this myself but I know someone who did...and walked away. Same kind of situation as yours. The W would threaten suicide and go as far as swallowing whole bottles of pills. There were numerous trips to the ER and an institution for psyche evals and counselling. This must have happened for over 10 years. One day during a major blow up, the H announced that he was leaving and told her that if she pulled a stunt this time, she would be on her own. He packed a bag and on his way out placed his cell phone on a table in the house. He told me that he wanted her to hear the phone ring in the house and know he wasn't anywhere near there when she called with threats. He was fed up. At that point he simply thought if the woman kills herself at least he won't know how or when.

 

He never got his phone back. He got a new number and a few weeks passed by without him hearing a death announcement. He has never spoken to her again and the divorce was handled by lawyers. He walked away from everything. In court she looked pretty good and didn't seem suicidal at all. He still finds it odd that he stayed so long. His advice to anyone who has a partner like that is to let them do it. At the end of the day, you risk going nuts trying to stop a crazy person from crazy making.

[SomeoneCA]

To those that had to deal with this, was the spouse every apologetic? Or did they continue to be in denial about their issues?

 

She is very regretful right now and saying that she wants to work really hard to fix things. I'm staying committed to the divorce and she says that she knows she really screwed up.

 

Is it possible these things can be fixed? Can people make a turnaround once they realize what a big mistake they have made?

[Downtown]

To those that had to deal with this, was the spouse every apologetic? Or did they continue to be in denial about their issues?

With emotionally unstable people, the choice is not between characteristic A or B. Rather, you usually will see both, depending on what mood they are in at the time. My BPDer exW, for example, has a very weak ego and very low self esteem, making her loath to admit to a mistake or having a flaw. Generally, the last thing a BPDer wants to find is one more thing to add to the long list of things she hates about herself.

 

Yet, when I was close to leaving her on several occasions (after finding yet another secret credit card debt), she would become so fearful of abandonment that she would turn all of her anger inward onto herself, becoming self destructive and so visibly shaken that her entire body would be trembling.

 

It was very frightening to see a woman who was falling apart at the seams -- to the point that I had to have her hospitalized on two occasions and placed in the "rubber room" of the hospital's psychiatric wing. During those rare times -- when her anger was turned inward -- she would have a day or two of what is called "moments of clarity." At that time, she would fully admit to her faults and misdeeds and would promise anything and everything to keep me from leaving.

 

Yet, a week later, all was back to business as usual -- and her momentary insights had no lasting effect at all. With BPDers, this change of attitude by 180 degrees -- in just ten seconds -- is so common and frequent that they are notorious for "splitting," i.e., the process by which they split off parts of their minds, putting them fully out of touch of their conscious mind.

 

Emotional instability most commonly is produced by a hormone change, as occurs for example during puberty, pregnancy, or following pregnancy. (And it also can be caused, very rarely, by a brain injury or brain tumor.) Hence, if a hormone change can be ruled out, the two remaining common causes of instability are BPD (about 6% of the population) and bipolar disorder (about 2% of the population). As I noted earlier, the behaviors you describe sound closer to BPD traits than to bipolar traits. It is possible, however, that she has strong traits of both.

[GuyInLimbo]

GuyInLimbo, how did you get away from it without feeling like you were ruining their life by leaving them?

 

That's what it seems like right now from what she tells me.

 

Well, mine is a weird answer. I had dated someone previously for about 8 years who also suffered from depression and other mental issues she needed to work out. While I was trying to find the courage to break up with my BP g/f, I was sitting outside in New York City, having lunch....when I saw the ex walk by with another guy (from afar) and it hit me: she's ok.

 

I had some of the same fears before I broke up with that one and this showed me that my fears were unfounded.

[GuyInLimbo]

To those that had to deal with this, was the spouse every apologetic? Or did they continue to be in denial about their issues?

 

She is very regretful right now and saying that she wants to work really hard to fix things. I'm staying committed to the divorce and she says that she knows she really screwed up.

 

Is it possible these things can be fixed? Can people make a turnaround once they realize what a big mistake they have made?

 

Bro, keep running. The list of issues your wife has/had is pretty bad and shows someone who is incapable of being an adult. She clearly needs intensive therapy, but for herself. You need to rid yourself of this cancer right away. BPD people will apologize profusely and desperately try to convince you not to leave them. It's a ruse. It's part of the illness. You've clearly seen she's unstable and unhealthy. You need to protect yourself. You deserve a happy life and a healthy relationship. This is NOT any of that.

[Augustus64]

Downtown, serendipitously i found your posts on mental illness. I found them to be extremely informative but on my own Im still having trouble attaching the behavioral pattern to come to the correct conclusion for what it was my ex gf had. Im having a tough time getting over this one. i just want to come to grips with who she was and what was going on in her head as i was at the time oblivious to the harshness of mental/ emotional instability and caring for someone thats suffering from it (very young when we dated) id like lick my wounds and move on. Was wondering if you could read my original thread and help me understand. thanks in advance. I'd like to know if she ever loved me? is/ was capable of love? i just want to understand what it was i went through so i could never go through it again.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/446724-thoughts-ex-gf

[Downtown]

Augustus, what a wonderful story you have to tell. I responded in your thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/446724-thoughts-ex-gf#post5403704.

[Iguanna]

I may sound cruel but if she has decided to commit suicide if you leave her but she does no effort (or not enough) to keep you, then you can't be her guard 24/7 nor can you destroy her life so you keep her happy. She is a grown woman and she can take responsibility for her actions. It's not human of course to not care about her, but I can't see how you can live like this anymore under threat. You should talk to the police and to an attorney so they guide you and inform her family about the matter.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

To those that had to deal with this, was the spouse every apologetic? Or did they continue to be in denial about their issues?

 

She is very regretful right now and saying that she wants to work really hard to fix things. I'm staying committed to the divorce and she says that she knows she really screwed up.

 

Is it possible these things can be fixed? Can people make a turnaround once they realize what a big mistake they have made?

 

I have BPD (and AvPD, and ADD), and was always regretful. I hated myself my whole life. I could not understand why I acted so differently from everyone else. Why everything hurt so f*cking much.

 

My life is like one big regretful nightmare.

 

So, after I got my diagnosis around age 21, it took years before I was able to accept it. I was very dismissive. Then when I finally accepted it, it took several years before I was ready to get better. I had been through many therapists and they usually told me the same thing. They could not help me and would discontinue our sessions. Regular talk therapy does not work for this. I was discouraged and thought I would be doomed forever.

 

I'm 36 now and the last 10 years I've changed. Not on my own, mind you. I had some outside forces that were a combination of luck and timing that facilitated the transformation. I'm not "cured". I still have obsessive thoughts that can ramp up my emotions, but I know that I need to control my behavior and not disrespect those people who care about me.

 

DBT is recommended as treatment and seems to have the best results. I will be starting it soon because I really need to take those further steps and try to reach some type of sustainable happiness.

[RedHawk08]

I can relate to your postion, I lived with a girlfriend forntwo years who suffered BPD and Borderline to a horrific level.

Violence, self harm (down to the bone), sexual promiscuity and a mouth that spewed the most hate filled things I've ever heard.

 

It is important to remember that this is NOT her fault.

She has a simple chemical imbalance in the brain that needs addressing.

I know you're tired. I used to miss going to bed 2-3 days at a time when mine turned into Mrs Hyde.

 

Point is, if the existing medical attention isn't working, SEE someone else!

The doctors at the hospital where I live were no help whatsoever.

It was only when she moved back home to her folks that she got the right doctor to address her problems.

 

I'm very proud of her that she's been episode free now for 5 years and is a counsellor herself.

 

YOU also need to talk to someone too.

I didn't. Dumb male pride.

I discovered this year that I was suffering from PTSD from those days. I carried a lot of those problems into my marriage.

 

That's a big part of why I'm here.

[Heart Broken Geek]

Someone, the behaviors you describe -- verbal abuse, temper tantrums, irrational anger, inability to trust ("doesn't trust my friends"), irrational jealousy ("too many women in martial arts"), very controlling, emotional immaturity, lack of impulse control, strong sense of entitlement ("nothing is ever good enough for her"), and emotional instability -- are classic traits of BPD, which my exW has.

 

Of course, you cannot determine whether your W's BPD traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having full-blown BPD. Only professionals can make a diagnosis. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD. There is nothing subtle about strong occurrences of traits such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, and temper tantrums.

 

I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits -- albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone has the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits these traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she has most of these traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you are capable of spotting any red flags that exist if you take time to learn the warning signs. I therefore ask whether you've seen most of the following behaviors:

• 1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
  
• 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
  
• 3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
  
• 4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
  
• 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
  
• 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
  
• 7. Low self esteem;
  
• 8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
  
• 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
  
• 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
  
• 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
  
• 12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
  
• 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
  
• 14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
  
• 15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
  
• 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
  
• 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
  
• 18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
  

Someone, if most of those warning signs sound very familiar, I suggest you read my more detailed description of BPD red flags in my posts at Crazy I think but I love her anyway. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. I suspect M30 would join that discussion too because he's very knowledgeable about BPD traits. Take care, Someone.

 

 

I am currently divorcing someone with BPD. My life is a nightmare. She met a 450lb homeless guy on Craigslist through an ad she put out in June, moved him in 3 days later. he has a criminal record as long as my arm. They tried to get me fired and I just found out, she's pregnant. So 4 months after they met she got knocked up. We waited 3 years before we made that decision (we were together 12 years). This has stopped the divorce process because in my state, a man cannot divorce a pregnant woman. AND when the kid is born, my name is automatically placed on the birth certificate and I have to prove I'm not the dad (I'm not, we've been separated since march of 2012 and like an idiot, I still tried to work on things).

 

He also keeps wanting to tickle my 9 year old daughter and my 14 year old son is finding guns they've hidden around the house (pretty sure the guy is dealing drugs but no proof), the guns fall out as he is putting dishes away.

 

In short, she is crazy enough that my life is in danger, my kids lives are in constant danger and a single legal entity cares. In short, OP, listen to this post I quoted and get the hell out of dodge quick.