Do I confront my dad? It's messed up....

[yankees51988]

So I am 23 years old, just moved home from college and been actually loving life home. Past quarter century I have been so honest with my parents about everything, literally everything. I've told them I've tried acid, coke, effed my best friends girl and felt super guilty, etc. Well tonight after 23 years I found out my dad was previously married before my mom but never mentioned it to me.

 

Honestly, I think family is the most important thing in the world, and I would easily sacrifice innocent babies to save my family in a life or death situation because I think family comes before ANYTHING.

 

I'm sure all you guys know about bro code and all that. I've effed my best friends girl, and had one of my best friends eff mine. It seriously messed me up for like a year. Tonight I just found out that my dad MARRIED and divorced my uncle's ex-fiance (his brother's) before he married my mom!!!!! He never even mentioned to me that he was married before my mom after all this time, and much less to his brother's ex-fiance!!! I seriously have lost soooooo much respect for my dad. Not even kidding, friends effing their friends girls is a serious violation of "bro code", but dude, that is something you don't do to your family!!!! Family comes before everything, especially some stupid chick.

 

I am so disappointed in my dad, and the fact that in the past 23 years after all the personal bull**** I've told him he never mentioned something like this to me I am seriously furious. And the fact that he could do something like that to my uncle...

 

Honestly I think that is the worst thing he could have done, I seriously would have forgiven him easier for murdering an innocent person rather than effing over his own family like that when they were ENGAGED!!!!

 

Do I confront him? I am seriously so disappointed and pissed at him. I have seen that so many times in my group of friends and I think it is so f*****.

[anne1707]

Seeing as you have not spoken to your father about this I assume you do not know all the facts. I also assume from what you have posted that your uncle is in contact with you and your father. If anybody has a right to be angry with your father then it is your uncle. As he chooses to see your father then maybe things are not as black and white as you have assumed.

[yankees51988]

Seeing as you have not spoken to your father about this I assume you do not know all the facts. I also assume from what you have posted that your uncle is in contact with you and your father. If anybody has a right to be angry with your father then it is your uncle. As he chooses to see your father then maybe things are not as black and white as you have assumed.

 

Yeah, my uncle and dad are okay now, but they had a falling out about this and 20ish years later when my grandpa passing away my dad treated my uncle like **** about taking care of him. They are ok now and both happily married to other people, but I just think that is the worst possible thing you could do to your own flesh and blood. I have seen my friends bang my other friends girls/ex-girls behind their back so many times, and I think it is messed up. You think it's bad with friends, imagine your own brother!!! That is the WORST possible line you could ever cross. It doesn't matter if my dad loved her or whatever, sometimes you make sacrifices for the people you care about, how the hell could you ever trust your own brother again after that!? I dunno, I just lost so much respect for him and I don't know if I should bring it up or just shake my head at him for being a s***** person...

[Grumpybutfun]

Yankees:

As you know from your own messed up drama with friend's gfs, we all make terrible mistakes when we are young. This is between your dad and your uncle and isn't any of your business. If your father has been a good father, and has treated you with love and respect, you would do well to temper your immature rhetoric with him or screw up your relationship with him. What he did was messy, but since your uncle has forgiven him, you coming in all pissed off just makes you seem sanctimonious and judgmental about things you have no data on.

 

There are a hundred worse things you can do to your own flesh and blood, and you are showing your privilege and entitlement by suggesting otherwise. The events surrounding this episode could have been very different from what you imagine, or it could have been something selfish and immature your dad did before he became the good man you know today. I had a horrid father who abandoned his family, screwed every family member not kin to him and was verbally, mentally and physically abusive, so, please, you have no idea what the worst possible line that could be crossed looks like...your dad made a mistake, which again, was before you and none of your business.

 

Self-righteousness looks better on people who actually have never made a mistake, so you might want to rethink your platform before you confront the man who raised you and gave you unconditional love over your own mistakes in life. You sound like a pedantic little snot, so maybe you need to grow up and realize that your parents did have lives before you but they obviously have made yours damn easy if you get this butt hurt over something this far in the past, which has nothing to do with you.

SMH,

Grumps

[yankees51988]

Honestly thanks for putting it in perspective, I did have it easy and people had it much worse, kinda did seem self-entitled. However, I hate people that go behind their friends back and bang their (ex)girlfriends. I have done it one time and yes I feel like a hypocrite for saying this. However I have seen it happen so many times between friends and even between brothers. That takes it to a whole different level in my book but yeah, guess I am sounding like a snotty little brat, lol. What happened to bro code though?

[d0nnivain]

Confront No. Talk to sure. No matter how adament you are in your position, try to keep the discussion civil.

 

But understand something in a parent child relationship, disclosure goes one way -- down. A good father isn't going to dump all of his emotional crap & past mistakes on a kid. Now you are a man, but before it would have been wholly inappropriate for him to discuss his past sex life with you.

 

The fact that you think murder is more forgivable then marrying his brother's former FI, makes me wonder what effect all that acid you had on your brain. While I agree it's bad form to make a play for somebody's FI, especallly your own brother's, it must have been pretty serious if they eventually got married, even if they later divorced. Since your uncle was the wronged party & he was there, take his lead in forgiving your dad.

[Art_Critic]

Yankees:

As you know from your own messed up drama with friend's gfs, we all make terrible mistakes when we are young. This is between your dad and your uncle and isn't any of your business. If your father has been a good father, and has treated you with love and respect, you would do well to temper your immature rhetoric with him or screw up your relationship with him. What he did was messy, but since your uncle has forgiven him, you coming in all pissed off just makes you seem sanctimonious and judgmental about things you have no data on.

<snipped to reduce size only>

 

Just a spot on post, wonderful nuggets of advice in this post.

[nescafe1982]

Honestly thanks for putting it in perspective, I did have it easy and people had it much worse, kinda did seem self-entitled. However, I hate people that go behind their friends back and bang their (ex)girlfriends. I have done it one time and yes I feel like a hypocrite for saying this. However I have seen it happen so many times between friends and even between brothers. That takes it to a whole different level in my book but yeah, guess I am sounding like a snotty little brat, lol. What happened to bro code though?

 

Grumps gives good advice. And Yankee, I'm happy (and a little surprised!) that you can see some of the issues with your attitude so readily. Good on you, seriously.

 

I agree with others here that although it hurts to hear about, this matter is not really your business. And it's long since over.

 

I think your anger is understandable, though. My dad was FAR from perfect, but it sucked big-time to have to face up to it. It's part of growing up.

 

As for the bro code? Doesn't exist, my friend. I'm a woman, so take this for what it's worth... but if the bro-code ever existed at all, it is easily the most frequently broken set of social conventions that ever existed. People (not just men) make mistakes; they act selfishly; they steal from one another; they act without regard for each other. We all do it... especially when we're younger and dumber.

 

I guess what you can do from here, though, is learn to accept that even men you respect and look up to have made mistakes. You say your family has learned to look past your shortcomings; can you now learn to look past theirs? Acceptance is a good way to handle matters that are out of our control.