Need an emotional connection

[Woggle]

I wouldn't consider my neighborhood conservative. I'm in a very 'blue' state. The demographics are just very bi-modal. There are the people who are doing well and tend to be stable and married. The folks who aren't doing as well, seem to be the ones flitting from relationship to relationship with lots of churn, FWB, casual sex in between.

 

It's another reason why I'm VERY careful. No way in hell I'm getting put into that other group just because some guy decides he needs a placeholder... without telling me.

 

Will say though, there is also an undercurrent of very liberal people who have open marriages or are swingers. So they are still married, but you wouldn't say they are cheating.

 

At least these people are honest. I have been on business trips and have actually had women laugh at me and call me boring because I refuse to cheat on my wife. I have been accused of being gay or of having no sex drive. To be fair though many of the older year round residents at the shore are normally happily married and family oriented people but when you talk to them they are utterly clueless as to how much things have changed since they were young.

[RedRobin]

At least these people are honest. I have been on business trips and have actually had women laugh at me and call me boring because I refuse to cheat on my wife. I have been accused of being gay or of having no sex drive. To be fair though many of the older year round residents at the shore are normally happily married and family oriented people but when you talk to them they are utterly clueless as to how much things have changed since they were young.

 

I've gotten the same from men trying to convince me to have an affair with them. It's just bullying, and a way to deflect rejection.

 

Next time that happens, just say, "sure... let's put your child/mom/dad/BF/husband (or whomever she'd not want to disappoint) on the phone and see if they agree with you having sex with a married man."

 

That shuts 'em up fast.

[RedRobin]

It is interesting to read the following book: http:www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 This book explains a lot about attachment styles and draws on recent psychological investigations. The authors conclude that Avoidants (avoidant dismissive attachment styles) are in the dating pool more frequently and for longer periods of time (p. 94). See: Attachment in adults - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Perhaps this can give some answers.

 

I read some of the reviews.

 

Based on their descriptions, I feel I used to be a 'secure' type, and am now more of an 'anxious' type in a pool of men who appear to do a good job in the very early stages presenting themselves as 'secure'... but soon demonstrate they are really avoidant... or hide their anxiety with anger rather than try to talk through things.

 

There are also just a lot of people who really don't see the value of commitment to another person, but who definitely see the benefit of someone else being committed to THEM. Freeloaders and renters are terms that have been used to describe them by some experienced marriage counselors.

 

Combine that with the unfortunate but persistent view that sleeping with lots of women somehow equals 'success'... It really creates situations that are ripe for manipulation... and a misplaced sense of self-satisfaction for those men.

 

I guess the question now is... how do I move back to my formerly 'secure' style? Not sure how to answer that when nearly every single man around me insists that sleeping with strangers is the sine qua non of relationship arbiters.

 

Edited: Please keep in mind that I'm aware women have the above behaviors as well... but I date men, so I will say 'men'...

[RedRobin]

I think the biggest takeaway from this thread is that there are people who claim to need an 'emotional connection' before sex but who may not be interested in a relationship... not with me or maybe with anyone. Boggles my mind, but I guess I don't have to understand it... I just have to avoid them.

 

This is what confused or frustrated me the most about the two men I used as examples here. It's like we spent 2-3 months with them trying to hook me emotionally without commitment because they like having sex with women they like and trust (duh)... but it doesn't go any further than that... despite what they claimed about looking for a relationship.

 

The only clues I had that they really weren't relationship oriented was their past history (FWB, etc) and the behavior of their friends. Both of them, for the most part, were responsive in every other way.

 

If they were relationship oriented, there is no way they would agree to a FWB or anything that appears to be one. If they were relationship oriented, their friends wouldn't even think to ask stupid questions like 'are you dating or just effing'... or 'did you tap that'... because they don't have a habit of sleeping around.

Edited December 16, 2013 by RedRobin

[carhill]

I guess the question now is... how do I move back to my formerly 'secure' style?

 

IMO, the answer is contained within the question, specifically the word 'move'. Move to a different demographic/social circle. If you need an emotional connection and commitment and consistent and defined progress of a relationship, those are valid needs, but may not be applicable to all demographics. Find one that fits and provides the maximum potentials and make it 'home'. I stumbled across this idea purely by accident when starting to travel the world in my late 20's but ignored it, to my own detriment, in the interceding decades. Slow learner.

[RedRobin]

IMO, the answer is contained within the question, specifically the word 'move'. Move to a different demographic/social circle. If you need an emotional connection and commitment and consistent and defined progress of a relationship, those are valid needs, but may not be applicable to all demographics. Find one that fits and provides the maximum potentials and make it 'home'. I stumbled across this idea purely by accident when starting to travel the world in my late 20's but ignored it, to my own detriment, in the interceding decades. Slow learner.

 

Yes, that is what I'm trying to do. I was in a very good position to do just that when the economy blew up a few years ago.

 

Since then, I've gone from periods where I was hopeful... to feeling that I'm just going to have to take that financial and career hit in order to complete this other part of my life. That brings a whole other set of concerns when I start wondering if the new location will really be any better.

[carhill]

What I've done is examine the mix, one being financial and business opportunities with others being compatible social and cultural dynamics and more favorable male to female ratios along with the 'feel' of the locale when interacting/immersing. In life, there is always compromise of some sort. Each of us decides the 'flavor' of that compromise. Where does the balance tip in favor or against a certain path?

 

At my age, I go into it with this mindset: 'Could I live alone here for the rest of my life and feel positive about that?' A younger person who hasn't been married nor divorced may not ask that question. However, they should ask questions relevant to their own circumstances and seek those answers. In my case, by the time I actually move, I'll have immersed a good four to six months worth of time and invested considerable resources in the locales under consideration. Yep, that has a cost. No guarantees. Life is like that.

[RedRobin]

What I've done is examine the mix, one being financial and business opportunities with others being compatible social and cultural dynamics and more favorable male to female ratios along with the 'feel' of the locale when interacting/immersing. In life, there is always compromise of some sort. Each of us decides the 'flavor' of that compromise. Where does the balance tip in favor or against a certain path?

 

At my age, I go into it with this mindset: 'Could I live alone here for the rest of my life and feel positive about that?' A younger person who hasn't been married nor divorced may not ask that question. However, they should ask questions relevant to their own circumstances and seek those answers. In my case, by the time I actually move, I'll have immersed a good four to six months worth of time and invested considerable resources in the locales under consideration. Yep, that has a cost. No guarantees. Life is like that.

 

I know for sure I couldn't live alone here the rest of my life and be happy with that. I'd always be tempted to stick my toe in the dating world again, and keep hitting my head against a brick wall with the demographics.

 

Four to six months seems like a good amount of time to sort it out for each place.