Need an emotional connection

[RedRobin]

Am I the only one trying to figure out where red lives all logic problem style?

I don't think it would be nearly as much fun if she just said it.

 

Not sure if I understand what you are trying to say... it's not fun if I tell them I need an emotional connection? The times I've said it, is only in response to questions about dating style.

 

But now that I think about it and seeing the other poster's responses, I can see that this doesn't really mean anything. As others have said, just because a guy has feelings, doesn't mean he's interested in a relationship.... which boggles MY mind. Maybe that's the disconnect. I know for a fact all these guys I complain about have 'feelings' for me... I can see that. But their actions don't indicate they want or are capable of a relationship no matter what they TELL me. That's the frustrating part.

 

Been trying to come up with a response to this thread for a while with no luck. All I can really say is I've had good luck in the one long distance relationship I've been in. When I found someone far away who could meet my needs better than anyone close by. Since you seem to be in the upper income bracket that could be a realistic option for you. Wouldn't even have to move.

 

A LDR to me is a FWB, for all intents and purposes. I have a hard time imagining really getting to know someone that way... plus it is ridiculously naïve to assume any guy would be faithful in that situation for any length of time... unless they'd established a relationship close by in advance... even then, it's dicey. So no... if I want a FWB or an f-buddy, I'll find someone close to home and just isolate him from my social and professional circles.

 

I'll also say you should show the exact honest side you show to us to guys in real life. Angst and all, which you hint that you leave out.

.

 

Perhaps... but angst isn't attractive. Men tolerate this behavior when dating much younger women. Not a peer.

 

There are certain vulnerabilities I share with them... but I'd never make a man my therapist. There are lots of things about my life I'd never share with a man. Not only is it a cop out... but it leaves the impression that whatever he is or isn't doing can be explained away by my 'baggage' rather than something he is doing or failing to offer.

 

It's why I always reject suggestions about some past 'trauma' causing me anything. BS. If there is any 'trauma'.... it's being obliged to date liars and commitment phobes since that is my demographic... and frankly, comes with the territory for just about any woman these days. I can safely say I'm not contributing to the hookup/no commitment culture... but it is still demoralizing and sad to have to continually wade through it.

[todreaminblue]

i generally go straight up ...it stings soemtimes i get really hurt, but i ask out right ....what do you want.......what do you expect.....i get honest answers....i dont try to read by subtle tells.....when it is someone i like, i want to move and i move quickly not normally with sex but thoughts and set boundaries......for them mainly i go by their speed.....which i need to bring back to be more balanced between what i need and what they need or desire....deb

[RedRobin]

What you need is a relationship minded man- not just one that likes to have an emotional connection.

 

Since so many men "future fake" to get laid, you can't really go by what they say. I would look at their history. Are his parents still together & happily married? Who were his male role models? Has he had any serious, long term relationships? What plans as he made for his future, and could you fit into them? Pay attention to subtle comments or "jokes" & body language regarding long term relationships & women. Does he have negative impressions of serious relationships, like thinking all women nag, stop wanting sex, want his money, etc?

 

Absolutely. This is what I tell women all the time. Don't even bother with men who don't at least CLAIM to want a relationship.

 

I put zero stock in 'feelings'... even my own. People get on my case here that I make men jump through hoops... but those hoops aren't anymore than the ones I'm jumping through too. I just refuse to have sex with men who think they don't have to prove they are serious about looking for a relationship... and can demonstrate it.

 

Yes, I've refused subsequent dates with men who have negative impressions of serious relationships. Folks here on LS don't hear about those guys because they've either figured that out, and so it only leaks out after a considerable period of time (2-3 months) or I've dumped them early on.

 

Maybe it's the ones who have learned to conceal their true feelings about serious relationships... who I've started to develop feelings for and feel optimistic about... those are the most disappointing. That, and the ones who swear up and down they want a relationship, but do little to prove it. Just talk. At least twice now, I've told guys 'Look, if this is what you are after, just go find a FWB'... and their response is always 'if that's what I wanted, I could get that any day'

 

.... and what I'm thinking is, 'no... you can't get a woman like ME to be your FWB any day... That's the problem a-hole.' Is what I'd love to tell those guys.

[PinkInTheLimo]

.... and what I'm thinking is, 'no... you can't get a woman like ME to be your FWB any day... That's the problem a-hole.' Is what I'd love to tell those guys.

 

Tell them!!! Honestly I think we women are way too prudent with men's feelings. I think we should call them out a lot more on their bull****. I do this more and more and I feel that with age I don't give a damn anymore if people don't like me because I am not sugarcoating things.

 

I think if women would systematically reject guys who have not cleaned up their act men would finally have the incentive to grow up because the only pussy that will be left for them will be the most vulgar sluts.

[RedRobin]

Tell them!!! Honestly I think we women are way too prudent with men's feelings. I think we should call them out a lot more on their bull****. I do this more and more and I feel that with age I don't give a damn anymore if people don't like me because I am not sugarcoating things.

 

I think if women would systematically reject guys who have not cleaned up their act men would finally have the incentive to grow up because the only pussy that will be left for them will be the most vulgar sluts.

 

Well, I've found IRL that trying to 'school' anyone goes nowhere. Best to just walk away... and diplomatically.

 

I DO think more women ought to systematically reject guys who aren't meeting their needs rather than just internalize it. I'm not a fan of the 's' word. It's the reason why so many men 'bin' women into ones they will use for sex and ones they will have relationships with... this kind of thinking.

 

It's also why so many of them try to lie to women about their intentions. If women weren't binned that way... there would be a lot fewer liars, is my guess. People would be more open and free to choose the kind of interactions that suit them.

[todreaminblue]

Tell them!!! Honestly I think we women are way too prudent with men's feelings. I think we should call them out a lot more on their bull****. I do this more and more and I feel that with age I don't give a damn anymore if people don't like me because I am not sugarcoating things.

 

I think if women would systematically reject guys who have not cleaned up their act men would finally have the incentive to grow up because the only pussy that will be left for them will be the most vulgar sluts.

 

 

 

 

vulgar sluts hey.........I liked your post until I read that statement.... dotn feelits true...some of those vulgar sluts will be the young trusting true hearts..nothing about young vulnerability is vulgar.....just sad......deb

[RedRobin]

What bugs me the most is men who claim they want an emotional connection but don't want a relationship. Or they won't say this, but they show it with their actions.

 

Almost none will say this straight up. They will try to hook you emotionally, then make you their FWB after the fact. Or will admit later that they don't want a relationship, but they still want to keep seeing you.

 

This, to me, is pathological behavior. When it comes from a guy, what he is really saying is that he wants the woman to be hooked emotionally, because that means she'll be monogamous to HIM... while he gets to keep playing the field.

 

It's an end run around a truly open relationship. If you have feelings for each other and you are having sex... then not having a 'relationship'... well, something seems very off about that. It's why I won't date guys who are OK with FWB. Something is missing there.

 

... and no, I don't think digging into Mr. Ryan's FB was unhealthy at all. I need all the ammo I can get to avoid men like him around here. Seeing those pictures helped me pull together the pieces on a lot of things. I doubt it will help me decrease that 2-3 month time period... because that's just how long things take I guess.

 

It WILL help me avoid ending up like the woman who thinks he's her BF... it WILL help me to avoid being some guys default FWB while he claims to have feelings for me and is dating me.

[RedRobin]

vulgar sluts hey.........I liked your post until I read that statement.... dotn feelits true...some of those vulgar sluts will be the young trusting true hearts..nothing about young vulnerability is vulgar.....just sad......deb

 

I agree with you Deb. There is hardly a woman alive who hasn't at least once jumped into sex.. worn her heart on her sleeve... and hoped and prayed to have those feelings reciprocated... and believed what the guy was saying. Why wouldn't she?

 

Or hell, maybe she just wanted someone to hold her. To be called names after... for doing the same things men get to do with no consequences... heck, are praised for... is just wrong.

 

(((hug)))

[gaius]

Not sure if I understand what you are trying to say... it's not fun if I tell them I need an emotional connection? The times I've said it, is only in response to questions about dating style.

I meant guessing where you live based on the hints you drop occasionally. The Po-dunk area where there's no decent men available to date. Don't say it, I'm having fun trying to guess.

But now that I think about it and seeing the other poster's responses, I can see that this doesn't really mean anything. As others have said, just because a guy has feelings, doesn't mean he's interested in a relationship.... which boggles MY mind. Maybe that's the disconnect. I know for a fact all these guys I complain about have 'feelings' for me... I can see that. But their actions don't indicate they want or are capable of a relationship no matter what they TELL me. That's the frustrating part.

 

A LDR to me is a FWB, for all intents and purposes. I have a hard time imagining really getting to know someone that way... plus it is ridiculously naïve to assume any guy would be faithful in that situation for any length of time... unless they'd established a relationship close by in advance... even then, it's dicey. So no... if I want a FWB or an f-buddy, I'll find someone close to home and just isolate him from my social and professional circles.

 

Perhaps... but angst isn't attractive. Men tolerate this behavior when dating much younger women. Not a peer.

 

There are certain vulnerabilities I share with them... but I'd never make a man my therapist. There are lots of things about my life I'd never share with a man. Not only is it a cop out... but it leaves the impression that whatever he is or isn't doing can be explained away by my 'baggage' rather than something he is doing or failing to offer.

 

It's why I always reject suggestions about some past 'trauma' causing me anything. BS. If there is any 'trauma'.... it's being obliged to date liars and commitment phobes since that is my demographic... and frankly, comes with the territory for just about any woman these days. I can safely say I'm not contributing to the hookup/no commitment culture... but it is still demoralizing and sad to have to continually wade through it.

You know, it's hard to argue with a lot of the points you make about men. But there are still some guys who are loyal, even through LDR's. You mentioned you know some of them! But I don't think it comes down to just meeting one at the right time. They and the women they're with drew to each other for a reason.

 

I just broke up a bit ago with a girl I adored and whom I was loyal and exclusive to, even when toward the end things weren't going super well. I wanted to be exclusive with her before we even went out on our first date. Why? Part of the reason was she was blatantly honest about who she was and what her needs were. She wouldn't just calmly tell me, there would be quite a bit of emotion and angst behind her viewpoints. I believed her and she felt genuine to me. I knew when I was pleasing her and when I disappointed. Honestly Red, I imagine you with most guys, and correct me if I'm wrong, very calmly and politely stating what you want. Having lots of rational conversations. You seem to be very irritated with Mr. Ryan but you're still being polite and social and adding him to facebook and the like. Does even have any clue about how annoyed you are with him?

 

To a guy all that polite conversation doesn't mean much of anything. It's nothing of value. We've heard women say all kinds of different things and not mean much of any of it. They say they want a guy who has a great job then run off and date a welfare biker, etc etc. The only way a non-narcissistic guy is going to know if he is capable of pleasing you is if you're honest with him and you back it up with emotions, and not just vent your frustrations and true thoughts where he can't hear. Though don't stop doing that, I've always enjoyed hearing what you have to say.

 

Even on here, you know sometimes I get unsure replying to you simply because I don't know if you really enjoy replying to what I have to say or not. I see you very politely replying to virtually everybody who responds in your threads no matter what they say. I have no clue if you really enjoy it or not. Or if it's just a chore you slug through, like your interactions with Mr. Ryan seem to be. And it's not just with me, I've seen you seemingly annoyed with other posters and still interacting with them very politely, even encouraging their attention. This is not going to attract a guy who's not just looking to get over on you or add you to his harem. The kind of guy who sticks with one woman is looking for an emotional connection as well. They want a specific type of emotional feedback that goes beyond just polite conversation.

 

Maybe I'm totally wrong Red, or making guesses that are far from reality but my instincts have been pretty good so far when it comes to stuff like this. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. Verbalizing what I feel instinctively when nobody else has said it before is not my strongest talent. But I'm working on improving.

Edited December 14, 2013 by gaius

[gaius]

Perhaps... but angst isn't attractive. Men tolerate this behavior when dating much younger women. Not a peer.

One more thing, if angst is so unsexy then why do your threads get so much attention from men? Of all ages? You've never posted a sexy avatar of yourself. It goes way beyond you saying things that a lot of guys find offensive and annoying. There's something very honest about the persona you present here that men find attractive and want to interact with. And maybe even commit to, if they could figure out what you really like and don't like.

[BikerAccnt]

It makes me feel old when people consider the 90s to be back in the day. It doesn't seem that long ago to me.

 

 

No kidding, back in the day, was the early 80's for me. So yeah, we are old. But I'm fine with that.

[Woggle]

Stop acting like women are the innocent victims in all of this. They freely engage in casual sex and some want it as much if not more than many men.

 

Also maybe if sincere men who actually do want a relationship and a connection were treated better then maybe we would see more of it. If women really wanted an emotional connection they would go for men who provided that instead of throwing themselves at players who hump and dump them. If women want to casual sex with the players then I don't judge them but stop blaming men for it and own your own choices.

[RedRobin]

Stop acting like women are the innocent victims in all of this. They freely engage in casual sex and some want it as much if not more than many men.

 

Also maybe if sincere men who actually do want a relationship and a connection were treated better then maybe we would see more of it. If women really wanted an emotional connection they would go for men who provided that instead of throwing themselves at players who hump and dump them. If women want to casual sex with the players then I don't judge them but stop blaming men for it and own your own choices.

 

My own choices? What would those be? I don't sleep with players. I don't sleep with anyone, unfortunately, because I refuse to be a FWB, an f-buddy, or sleep with people I hardly know on the off-chance they actually mean what they say when they say they are looking for a relationship.

 

Oh, and about sincere men who want a relationship being treated better... I'm the first to say that men should stop paying for dates and replace it with other activities that are cheap or free. Would go a long way towards leveling things and reducing resentment, if you ask me.

[Woggle]

My own choices? What would those be? I don't sleep with players. I don't sleep with anyone, unfortunately, because I refuse to be a FWB, an f-buddy, or sleep with people I hardly know on the off-chance they actually mean what they say when they say they are looking for a relationship.

 

Oh, and about sincere men who want a relationship being treated better... I'm the first to say that men should stop paying for dates and replace it with other activities that are cheap or free. Would go a long way towards leveling things and reducing resentment, if you ask me.

 

Maybe not you but many women these days freely sleep with players and then some go on to complain there are no good men. I am not the type to have double standards for men and women as far as sex goes but it irks me when these same women turn around a bash men for being players.

 

Man or woman own the lifestyle you have chosen for yourself and stop blaming others if it is not making you as happy as you thought it would.

 

Not all women think and see things the same way you do.

[RedRobin]

Maybe not you but many women these days freely sleep with players and then some go on to complain there are no good men. I am not the type to have double standards for men and women as far as sex goes but it irks me when these same women turn around a bash men for being players.

 

Man or woman own the lifestyle you have chosen for yourself and stop blaming others if it is not making you as happy as you thought it would.

 

Not all women think and see things the same way you do.

 

You got that right.

[RedRobin]

I meant guessing where you live based on the hints you drop occasionally. The Po-dunk area where there's no decent men available to date.

Don't say it, I'm having fun trying to guess.

 

Ah, ok! Well, far be it from me to spoil your fun

 

You know, it's hard to argue with a lot of the points you make about men. But there are still some guys who are loyal, even through LDR's. You mentioned you know some of them! But I don't think it comes down to just meeting one at the right time. They and the women they're with drew to each other for a reason.

 

To me, a LDR has all the flavor of a FWB, in that you aren't around each other all that often. If you aren't near enough to meet each other's needs on a regular basis, it is only a matter of time before one or the other meets someone else... even with the best of intentions. If I'm going to be celibate or semi-celibate, I'd rather at least be 100% open to meeting someone... not holding myself in reserve on the off-chance he is doing the same...

 

Honestly Red, I imagine you with most guys, and correct me if I'm wrong, very calmly and politely stating what you want. Having lots of rational conversations. You seem to be very irritated with Mr. Ryan but you're still being polite and social and adding him to facebook and the like. Does even have any clue about how annoyed you are with him?

 

I'd like to think that the right man for me doesn't need to see me become totally unhinged before he takes what I have to say seriously. This is not my idea of a healthy relationship. I also don't have a habit of saying one thing and doing another. Does Mr. Ryan have any clue how annoyed I am with him? He did back in April. Rather than respond to my concerns about his intentions and take the actions necessary to show he wanted a relationship with me, he just denied it. Patently refused to do a couple of things he said he would do that were important to me. That's fine. His choice. So I walked. IMHO, that's what more women should do. Vote with their feet, not with displays of emotion that either do damage or give a guy excuses to justify his poor behavior.

 

However, I will say... this is something I've observed about myself in both professional and personal circumstances... and always in dealing with men... not women. I tell them what I need. More than once. Maybe even have conversations about why it is important to me. Maybe they give me some BS song and dance about coming through... but then they don't.

 

It's only when I'm walking out the door that they say 'oh wait!! I didn't know you were serious!" Really?? Then come the offers and the pleas for me to stay. I had an old boss get on one knee in front of all my co-workers and beg me to stay. It was too late. I'd accepted the other offer. I don't know what it is about some men that they think they can just push limits with no consequences.

 

Maybe more men need to adjust the 'hard stops' on their behavior before they destroy the trust and care the women in their lives have for them. It's always the guys who say they had no idea the women in their lives were that unhappy. Sorry. They just weren't listening. Or didn't want to appear 'unmanly' by actually responding to her requests now and then. Like it's against the man-code to be responsive or something.

 

To a guy all that polite conversation doesn't mean much of anything. It's nothing of value. We've heard women say all kinds of different things and not mean much of any of it. They say they want a guy who has a great job then run off and date a welfare biker, etc etc. The only way a non-narcissistic guy is going to know if he is capable of pleasing you is if you're honest with him and you back it up with emotions, and not just vent your frustrations and true thoughts where he can't hear. Though don't stop doing that, I've always enjoyed hearing what you have to say.

 

Ok, so you just confirmed what I said above. Polite conversation doesn't mean much. You mean you'll only respond when she's angry, upset, or ready to walk? Not healthy.

 

I AM honest with them. I back it up with my actions.

 

I see you very politely replying to virtually everybody who responds in your threads no matter what they say.

 

The mods would beg to differ, lol.

 

I have no clue if you really enjoy it or not. Or if

it's just a chore you slug through, like your interactions with Mr. Ryan seem to be.

 

Yes, the recent interactions with Mr. Ryan have been a chore. It was worthwhile to see if we could salvage a friendship and/or to gain some useful insight.

 

And it's not just with me, I've seen you seemingly

annoyed with other posters and still interacting with them very politely, even encouraging their attention.

 

I try not to hold grudges. People can change.

 

This is not going to attract a guy who's not just looking to get over on you or add you to his harem. The kind of guy who sticks with one woman is looking for an emotional connection as well. They want a specific type of emotional feedback that goes beyond just polite conversation.

 

Feels like unnecessary drama to me. How about they just pay attention the first few times I bring it up?

 

Maybe I'm totally wrong Red, or making guesses that are far from reality but my instincts have been pretty good so far when it comes to stuff like this. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. Verbalizing what I feel instinctively when nobody else has said it before is not my strongest talent.

But I'm working on improving.

 

I appreciate your insight. You have a point about people not knowing exactly how upset I am... again, it's always men who misinterpret. Never women. Not personally or professionally. This leads me to believe there is something about some men's socialization skills that might need some work if the women they are interacting with are obliged to come unglued before he will finally pay attention.

 

I'll admit that I've been occasionally obliged to continue negotiating through difficulties beyond the point where I'd normally just walk... with some decent results sometimes. Getting emotional during those times has never resulted in anything useful IRL. Just the opposite. It's why I reserve it for here.

[RedRobin]

One more thing, if angst is so unsexy then why do your threads get so much attention from men? Of all ages? You've never posted a sexy avatar of yourself. It goes way beyond you saying things that a lot of guys find offensive and annoying. There's something very honest about the persona you present here that men find attractive and want to interact with. And maybe even commit to, if they could figure out what you really like and don't like.

 

Why? It's probably not due to attraction. They are waiting for me to give them insights into their own behavior they aren't getting elsewhere, is one guess.

 

That, and maybe they like sparring. *shrug*

 

Or maybe they really do want to help and are perplexed why someone who is trying as hard as I am is having so many problems finding a partner. Probably that.

[MrCastle]

The issue, if I'm reading correctly, is that you're having trouble finding men to have a serious relationship with, right? Not that you're having trouble finding men period?

 

I don't know how picky you are as I don't really know your preferences, but sometimes, concessions have to be made. You have to weigh what's most important in a relationship. Sometimes you have to sacrifice something for another. Like, you are a health freak right? So maybe you meet a guy that is willing to give you the exclusivity you seek, but he's a smoker. Or whatever, like , maybe you want X, and a guy has X, but he also has Y, and you have to accept it because you're getting X, or continue to try and find the perfect person for you which takes time, if it happens at all. Just look around this forum.

 

Again I don't say this to you personally as I don't know the ins and outs of what you look for in a mate, but it's something to consider.

 

I'm sure there are plenty of men looking for exclusivity but they may not be the 100% package some people expect to get. No one is ever flawless. Again, you have to decide what are absolute deal breakers and what are things that, while are not ideal, are manageable because you're getting the emotional connection you want.

Edited December 15, 2013 by MrCastle

[Itspointless]

However, I will say... this is something I've observed about myself in both professional and personal circumstances... and always in dealing with men... not women. I tell them what I need. More than once. Maybe even have conversations about why it is important to me. Maybe they give me some BS song and dance about coming through... but then they don't.

 

It sounds like you (are) unknowingly attract(ed to) a certain kind of man. Sometimes we pull to certain people and they to us, also in business relations. That does not have much to do with taste, more with our psychology.

 

Many men as well as woman sell BS. I hate it when people play games, but they do. Unfortunately some people are like that.

 

As for LDR's, trust and love is what it is all about, just as with other relations.

[RedRobin]

The issue, if I'm reading correctly, is that you're having trouble finding men to have a serious relationship with, right? Not that you're having trouble finding men period?

 

I don't seem to have any problems finding men who want to date me. My main criteria is if they are looking for a committed relationship.

 

The problem is partly demographic, and partly culturally on the whole. People who are more like me get married fairly young and stay married for life. Very few end up divorced.

 

Among the men who are available, they lie about their intentions and goals. They are likely available because they are dishonest, have poor communication skills, have hangups about commitment, or have some other major life issues (addiction, bankruptcy... etc). They have gotten by this far by being vague and playing on women's desire for intimacy. 2-3 months is how long it takes to see through the façade, or so it seems.

 

Makes it hard to 'relax', 'have fun', and get to know people in that sort of climate. What sucks is that I have real-time examples of good men and the value of commitment... This is the main source of my frustration... that, and not wanting to give ANY of these guys any social leverage whatsoever that will make it easier for them to con the next woman.

 

The last three guys I've tried to date have been through activity groups and my social circle. They were pitched from people I trust as being 'nice guys'... but they aren't. So, I can't really trust anyone it seems. Not around here. The pool is simply too polluted.

[RedRobin]

It sounds like you (are) unknowingly attract(ed to) a certain kind of man. Sometimes we pull to certain people and they to us, also in business relations. That does not have much to do with taste, more with our psychology.

 

Many men as well as woman sell BS. I hate it when people play games, but they do. Unfortunately some people are like that.

 

As for LDR's, trust and love is what it is all about, just as with other relations.

 

Well, I think it is partly the case that there are few women in positions of power, so perhaps that is why I only had to deal with that from men in the past from business.

 

... and in dating, I only deal with men.

 

Interestingly, among my friends I count women who are very highly accomplished. Their style is almost always more collaborative, open, and trust building. My male mentors have that style as well.

 

They aren't single, nor do they know any men who are. Unfortunately.

 

I can't imagine any of them ever having a FWB, or multi-dating or any of that garbage if/when their spouse dies or if, for some bizarre reason, they ended up single. It's considered crass and low-class.

[Itspointless]

I can see where you are coming from; as a men I see that woman in power can cause such reactions with men. It is sad, in many if not all countries, we still have a long way to go when it comes to equality.

 

I deal with women but also hear many woman tell how they treat men. I do not judge people who are just looking for sex I think that is fine, but being honest about that seems a sound thing to do to me.

 

It is interesting to read the following book: http:www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 This book explains a lot about attachment styles and draws on recent psychological investigations. The authors conclude that Avoidants (avoidant dismissive attachment styles) are in the dating pool more frequently and for longer periods of time (p. 94). See: Attachment in adults - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Perhaps this can give some answers.

[Under The Radar]

The issue, if I'm reading correctly, is that you're having trouble finding men to have a serious relationship with, right? Not that you're having trouble finding men period?

 

I don't know how picky you are as I don't really know your preferences, but sometimes, concessions have to be made. You have to weigh what's most important in a relationship. Sometimes you have to sacrifice something for another. Like, you are a health freak right? So maybe you meet a guy that is willing to give you the exclusivity you seek, but he's a smoker. Or whatever, like , maybe you want X, and a guy has X, but he also has Y, and you have to accept it because you're getting X, or continue to try and find the perfect person for you which takes time, if it happens at all. Just look around this forum.

 

Again I don't say this to you personally as I don't know the ins and outs of what you look for in a mate, but it's something to consider.

 

I'm sure there are plenty of men looking for exclusivity but they may not be the 100% package some people expect to get. No one is ever flawless. Again, you have to decide what are absolute deal breakers and what are things that, while are not ideal, are manageable because you're getting the emotional connection you want.

 

 

What Mr.Castle's describing is "The Price Of Admission" versus legitimate "Deal Breakers".

 

For you, things like: Trust, good credit, no FWB/NSA sex, intelligence, hard worker, funny, etc... are important qualities you value in a man. IMO, I doubt many people would disagree with many of the things you seek. It's a matter of determining what you can and can't put up with. You are obviously a bright woman and understand we're all flawed; no one is perfect.

 

Dan Savage's video on YouTube called "The Price Of Admission" explains it well ...... Go check it out (I tried to link it, but it didn't work) it's 5 minutes and 52 seconds long.

 

And no, I'm NOT saying YOU are the problem, or that some of the deal breakers you list are trivial. I am saying that because we each have character defects, and idiosyncrasies, it sometimes takes a painful weeding out process to identify what we're willing to accept.

Edited December 15, 2013 by Training Revelations

[Woggle]

FWB, multi dating and casual sex are becoming the new norms. Nobody has to participate but getting mad about it is just an exercise in futility. If it is considered low class in Red Robin's neighborhood then she must live in a very conservative area because amongst some people I know my age and younger I considered the weirdo because I prefer being married and I don't cheat.

[RedRobin]

FWB, multi dating and casual sex are becoming the new norms. Nobody has to participate but getting mad about it is just an exercise in futility. If it is considered low class in Red Robin's neighborhood then she must live in a very conservative area because amongst some people I know my age and younger I considered the weirdo because I prefer being married and I don't cheat.

 

I wouldn't consider my neighborhood conservative. I'm in a very 'blue' state. The demographics are just very bi-modal. There are the people who are doing well and tend to be stable and married. The folks who aren't doing as well, seem to be the ones flitting from relationship to relationship with lots of churn, FWB, casual sex in between.

 

It's another reason why I'm VERY careful. No way in hell I'm getting put into that other group just because some guy decides he needs a placeholder... without telling me.

 

Will say though, there is also an undercurrent of very liberal people who have open marriages or are swingers. So they are still married, but you wouldn't say they are cheating.