Tired of his procrastination...i broke it off. NC

[reallylovehim]

I need help. I'm new, so If I screw up, please be understanding. We've been together over 2 years. I was going thru divorce....he was unhappy. We both came from LONG marriages. I know you all hear stories everyday about couples who are REALLY in love... THIS WAS MAGIC. We live 6 hours apart.... but saw each other almost twice a month. Talked HOURS a day. Hundreds of texts a day. Cry when we leave. We are in our 50's and I'm telling you... crazy love. My div was finally done and I've been waiting for 2 years for him to FILE. He has to sell his house... which is upside down in value/selling. Bottom line is I got tired of his excuses. He proposed 18 months ago.... bought a ring 12 months ago. But still drags his feet. I never put pressure on him because I shouldn't have to. If I did...something is wrong. There ARE some reasons for his delay....but not THIS long. Filing and all that is HORRID. PAINFUL. None of us enjoy it, but it's a necessary evil. I did it...with no money and little support. This Thanksgiving....feelings of anger built up and I told him I'm sick of being alone. NC

for one week. I'm dying inside.... but it's time for him to make a real move. Is he scared or what? Tomorrow is my birthday. Will love prevail or pride? Will he make a REAL move to keep me or will I never hear from him again ? He loves to flip things on me....telling me I say one thing and do another... but that's HIS MO. HE HAS TO MAKE A MOVE. Please guide me.

[justwhoiam]

Two words: be patient.

[soccerrprp]

You did the brave and sensible thing. He needs to make a move and his hesitation may have a lot do with what he may be losing from a divorce. I don't mean his soon to be ex. He may be weighing the loss from a divorce with gains with you and he's not certain.

 

But, you're doing the right thing.

[reallylovehim]

Thank you. I'm trying to be patient. I know it's critical.

[ThisGal]

Like most people after a divorce, one becomes hesitant and scared to proceed because they don't want to possibly go through that again (you'd know as you've been through it). Not easy; however, if he loves you he will not want to lose you and will put his fears aside and make things happen! He should have filed for a divorce a while ago. You both are mature people. He needs to man up really. I think you need to be patient though. It's really only been 2 years (I know that seems like forever sometimes) but it's not. He has proposed to you but he needed to first finalize the divorce before doing that. He is dragging his feet a bit. You've already told him what you had to say; give him time to react. I would not initiate contact and when he does I'd keep things brief. He needs to get the ball rolling. Time for him to prioritize his life. If he truly wants to be with you he will get serious. As the above poster said, you did the right thing.

Edited December 9, 2013 by ThisGal

[HeavenOrHell]

Is it possible you both rushed into this r/ship, if both of you were coming out of long (and unhappy) marriages?

Sometimes people make plans for the future too early on as they're excited to be in a new r/ship after their last LTR ends, they get carried away by it all, make plans they can't keep.

My partner got carried away with enthusiasm when we first met and straight away was talking about moving over within a couple of years, I was thinking don't say it if you can't do it, and he didn't do it.

I think it's a mistake to make plans too early on, especially in an LDR where we spend far less time with our partners, so it takes longer to get to know them.

I've not been hard on my partner about not moving, he knows I was disappointed but I don't blame him for not moving, it's not easy moving countries/jobs, selling a house etc. Maybe you're being too hard on him, too impatient?

If he can't give you what you want though, maybe it's time to let it go.

I'd have one last chat with him and listen to each other without getting angry, see if there's a way forward, and if not then call it a day.

 

 

I need help. I'm new, so If I screw up, please be understanding. We've been together over 2 years. I was going thru divorce....he was unhappy. We both came from LONG marriages. I know you all hear stories everyday about couples who are REALLY in love... THIS WAS MAGIC. We live 6 hours apart.... but saw each other almost twice a month. Talked HOURS a day. Hundreds of texts a day. Cry when we leave. We are in our 50's and I'm telling you... crazy love. My div was finally done and I've been waiting for 2 years for him to FILE. He has to sell his house... which is upside down in value/selling. Bottom line is I got tired of his excuses. He proposed 18 months ago.... bought a ring 12 months ago. But still drags his feet. I never put pressure on him because I shouldn't have to. If I did...something is wrong. There ARE some reasons for his delay....but not THIS long. Filing and all that is HORRID. PAINFUL. None of us enjoy it, but it's a necessary evil. I did it...with no money and little support. This Thanksgiving....feelings of anger built up and I told him I'm sick of being alone. NC

for one week. I'm dying inside.... but it's time for him to make a real move. Is he scared or what? Tomorrow is my birthday. Will love prevail or pride? Will he make a REAL move to keep me or will I never hear from him again ? He loves to flip things on me....telling me I say one thing and do another... but that's HIS MO. HE HAS TO MAKE A MOVE. Please guide me.

[erum]

Is it a good approach (not talking on skype facebook) to this situation? I am kinda destroyed and my hands are tied don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do now?

[justwhoiam]

Is it a good approach (not talking on skype facebook) to this situation? I am kinda destroyed and my hands are tied don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do now?

I keep silent when I'm hurt, at times even when I'm mad... but are you? Or are you just being impatient? If it's the latter, don't stop talking to him, just because you don't like the state of things. He will start feeling alone and pushing for a relationship you're not ready to fight for. That would be the impression you'd be giving.

 

I'd say talk to him, plan with him, ask him about his feelings, ask him how he would like to proceed, so that you're not left in the dark with the steps he wants to take and when. If he's going to answer with "I don't know", "I don't know" and again "I don't know" to everything, he might be confused as to what he needs to do and when, he might need your support, or he might have mixed feelings (this would be the worst situation). Stand by his side, unless he doesn't know what he wants. If he doesn't really know what he wants, start distancing yourself from him and let him go. You don't want to be with someone who's not sure about his feelings. If he truly loves you, he will be back and you will live together, get married, etc.

[FitChick]

I think he was your Transitional Man. The man who got you emotionally free from your ex. You have played a similar role for him, although less well. Those relationships never last, sorry to say.

 

His proposing was a stalling tactic because he can't marry you -- he is already married! It's up to you how long you are willing to wait. I hope you aren't like my cousin who dated a man, separated with grown children, for nearly ten years. Then he died.

 

You should start dating others. Because you don't care if you find someone new right now, you will probably have men falling all over you! Have fun and you might find someone who is in the same place as you are, geographically and emotionally. Good luck!

[reallylovehim]

He DID text and email me on my birthday. And then we started talking. He filed for divorce the 1st week of January, put in for a transfer, and is making major changes to get here!!! I am so happy. He is planning our honeymoon, bought us a new car, and is making things happen.

I cannot stress enough how critical it is to NOT contact the person in question. It's the hardest thing in the world to do.....but it works. You have to stand your ground .....it's worth the pain.

There's a few reasons he took his time making a move, one of which makes perfect sense. He didn't want to act hastily and have our families believe he abandoned his family in a cruel and irresponsible fashion. He wanted everyone to have time to "digest" what was ahead. And take care of loose ends!

We ARE in love, and to respond to an earlier comment about this relationship being my transition....it's really not. There were some short term transitions before him.

I know everyone believes their story is the sweetest, but I'm saying right now this is the most incredible connection of my entire life. He loves me and there's no doubt about it. We are truly crazy about each other.

Thank you to all of you for your advice and comfort. The first response, "be patient" is all I needed to hear. You are all wise beyond your years.

 

God Bless!

Really Love Him

[soccerrprp]

Good for you!

[TAV]

Wow. You are dealing with the same issues I'm dealing with and it's so good to see he did come through for you. My LDR asked for space 2 weeks ago; he's going through a depression and could not handle the pain of missing me anymore. I was devastated but wanted to give him the time he needed. He contacted me after a day after discovering he could not do without me. I gladly took him back but our issues are not resolved and I have wondered if taking him back so easily was the wrong thing to do. He knows I am hurt and feel insecure about us and says I can take all the time I need to feel as close to him as I did before but I need to know we have a real future, that he is as committed as I am and that he will come through for me. Due to his depression I think this is not the right time to put him under pressure but I live every day now with fear in my heart. Your story gives me hope but also makes me wonder.