In a very frustrating situation with my best friend

[FrustratedAsHell]

This is going to be a long post and probably a bit convoluted so I apologise in advance.

 

So I've known this girl (who I'll call E) for two years now. I met her during my first year at uni and now we're in our final year (we've lived together since the beginning of second year). We've got an amazing friendship and we're really close, and I've always had feelings for her in some way or another. The thing is, she's had a boyfriend (who I'll call W) as long as I've known her, so I've never really thought about anything happening between us. I'm good friends with him as well which complicates things further.

 

Their relationship has always been fairly volatile. Last year was the worst. W stayed at ours a lot and they argued at least once a week. He has cheated on her in the past, and left her twice for another girl, and they've split up and got back together 3 or 4 times now. I've always been there to pick up the pieces and give her advice.

 

Anyway, this year W is on a year in industry so he and E don't see much of each other. We were out one night and when we got back E started crying because she missed W. However, she was also talking about how paranoid she was about him cheating on her and how she cried almost every day from the mixture of emotions that she kept feeling. She was saying things like "He deserves someone better than me, someone who doesn't get so upset at the smallest things." I don't know what it was, but that night was when it all started changing for me.

 

Thoughts started popping into my head about how much I liked E, and at first I dismissed them as I always do. But they kept coming back, and soon I realised that she was all I could think about. I started to realise how much I love talking to her, how much I enjoy spending time with her, all the little quirks she has. She has even become more physically attractive in my eyes which is a really strange concept, that your emotional feelings towards someone can also change your perception of them visually.

 

ANYWAY. I spent the next week going over and over the situation in my head. Do I tell her? Will it ruin our friendship (with both E and W)? How would she react? It was their 2 year anniversary coming up at the weekend so I didn't say anything for fear of completely ruining it. They went to a hotel spa for the weekend.

 

This is where things got really complicated. The Wednesday after the weekend I got a text from E saying that she'd broken up with W. My heart starts racing and I almost enter a state of panic. As usual I went to talk to her about it and tried to make her feel better. She said she broke up with him because she is constantly worried about what he's doing, if he's ignoring her texts etc. She said that she didn't enjoy their weekend away because she felt like she was always trying to catch him out, doing something he shouldn't be doing. She admitted that it was crazy and irrational but she couldn't help it, and that it was seriously taking a toll on their relationship. She said that she wondered if he even cared about her at all, and that she felt like he never thought about her unless she was actually with him. When they spoke on the phone E asked W if they were just delaying the inevitable and he said "Yeah probably."

 

I seriously considered telling her there and then but felt that it was probably the worst time, so I just played the role of the supportive friend once again. She spoke to W again and decided to go on a break until Christmas. This would give me some time to think things over, a bit of breathing room. The next day she told me that they were back together. At this point my emotions were all over the place.

 

We went out on the Friday and I got very drunk. I pulled her to one side and pretty much poured my heart out to her. She started crying and told me she felt the same way, and that she enjoys spending time with me more than W. The thing is, she obviously still cares about him. We walked home and she fell asleep on my bed so I slept on the sofa.

 

Saturday morning we were texting each other. I apologised and E said that I had nothing to be sorry about. She said "It's not like I haven't thought about it before so...yeah." Last year one of our mutual friends told me that E had said that I was like the perfect boyfriend. So I asked her if she had meant what she said and she said "Obviously we've always been really close so I have thought about you in that way." We agreed to just pretend it never happened. Clearly that was never going to work, because it did happen.

 

On Sunday we spoke for over an hour about where we both stood. E said again that she enjoys spending time with me more than W, but she still has feelings for him and can't just break up with him for this reason as she couldn't live with the guilt. We both agreed that it's a really crappy and frustrating situation, but for now we just have to leave it. The great thing about us being so close is that it's not awkward between us at all. I loved the fact that we could speak so openly and honestly about it.

 

Fast forward to now. I feel like **** all the time. I genuinely believe I'm in love with her. Even hearing her talk about W makes my heart sink. He visited at the weekend and it was depressing. We're good friends and we got on, but his being there was a constant reminder. (By the way, he knows everything).

 

I really do think that me and E would be great together and the thought of not seeing her after uni makes me feel sick. I haven't cried in a long time, but this situation has brought me to tears on a few occasions. It's such a kick in the balls to know that, if it wasn't for W, we would probably make a great couple. I want to be there for her but it's so hard trying to put on a happy face every day, and I don't want to push further in case it really does start to affect our friendship.

 

If you've read this far then I'm genuinely grateful. My question is this: Do I just play the waiting game until they almost inevitably break up again, with the risk that I may never see her again? Or do I push and try to make her be honest with herself, asking who she truly believes, deep down, she'd be happier with? This is the worst feeling I've ever felt and I'd really appreciate some advice, or even just to hear some general thoughts on the situation

 

TL;DR - I love my best friend and she has feelings for me but she has a boyfriend who she still cares about.

[pulsar]

Hey Frustrated,

 

I can understand that it may be frustrating for you (no pun intended) to be in a such a situation. However, behavior of both E and W towards each other seems volatile. Especially considering that they have gotten back together 3-4 times till date. Why would E feel not worthy of W? If W has cheated on her, then she is bound to be paranoid. She should have let go of W after he cheated on her; not go back to him.

 

Maybe W is keeping E along by emotionally manipulating her whereas E might see you as back up to W and is keeping you along. If E respects herself and you, she should let go of W and not string you along (if that happens to be the case). Seems to be a problem of emotional instability and insecurity with E.

 

-pulsar