Left, came home, and now very confused

[upallnight]

My husband and I have been married for six years, and we have a five year old daughter. The majority of those years were not good. We didn't get along, we screamed and fought, and he was controlling and emotionally abusive. We tried to keep it together anyway. We bought a house and moved to a new town a year ago, hoping that things would get better. I wanted friends and stability, and a new outlook on my marriage and I thought that a fresh start was the answer. It didn't work out that way...things got worse.

 

On Halloween night, we went trick-or-treating with our daughter and everything was fine. I went upstairs with her to get her ready for bed, and I could hear him downstairs whining and b*tching about something. This was typical of him, and in my mind, abusive. It was always agony to hear, because I always tried so hard to make everything perfect and it was never, ever good enough for him. Anyway, I was upset when I came downstairs, and I demanded to know what the problem was. Apparently, our daughter was coloring with markers and got some on the kitchen table. This was enough to send him into a RAGE. Things escalated between us, all night, until 5:00 in the morning. It was then that he grabbed my legs as I was sitting on the couch and shook me. I grabbed his arms and stood up to get away, and he shoved me to the ground. I had a nasty scrape on my leg and a bump on my head as a result. I always told myself that physical abuse means GET OUT. I decided I would leave.

 

The next few days were a blur. Basically, I wanted to tell him that I was leaving, but he refused to talk to me. I went online to seek support, and began IM'ing someone with regularity. On Nov. 6 I went out and got a cell phone, then went and leased an apartment, which I could not move into until the 17th. When I came home from doing this, he was upstairs in bed, a total wreck. Even though I hadn't told him, he just knew I was going. He promised a change, and I told him it didn't matter.

 

I was still IM'ing the person aforementioned, and now also talking to him on the phone.

 

I moved out with my daughter on the 17th. My husband went into counseling immediately, and he changed literally overnight. We were still talking, but it was confusing for me...one minute I hated him, and the next I wanted to be in his arms.

 

The weekend after I left, I met the person I was talking to. What was supposed to be friendship and support literally EXPLODED into and affectionate relationship. It seemed like we were meant for each other...we got along so well. We talked every single night and I saw him every chance I got (he lives 1 hour away). Yes, at one point we were sexually intimate as well. Bad decision on my part.

 

Fast forward to the week before Christmas. I had a "break" and decided I wanted to come home. Our anniversary was the 22nd, and the Christmas and all that. My little girl was telling me she just wanted us to be a happy family. It just all broke me down. I came home on the 19th. I called the person I was seeing and told him I needed to break it off, and then I called my husband to tell him to bring over some boxes and help me pack up.

 

So now I'm here. I'm content, I guess you could say, but I'm not happy. I already see us falling into old patterns of behavior, even though he has made a tremendous change. (My daughter and I got paint on the table the other day that will never come off, and he just laughed it off). It's just kind of weird.

 

Even though I broke it off with the other person, he called to wish me a merry Christmas and things picked back up again. We've been talking every day. My husband is a super slueth and knows about every conversation we've had, whether on the computer or on the phone. He's SO not happy about it. The other person does not know I moved back home.

 

I know what the right thing to do is. I should tell the other person that I moved home and that I can't have contact with him anymore, and then try and pick up the pieces of my marriage and start over. But i just can't bring myself to do it. I want to be with him. Wrong as it is, I do. I can see myself happy with him for a very long time. This was not something I planned. But then I look at my husband and I think of what it would do to him if I left again, what it would do to our family, after he's made all these changes and things should be going well. It's so selfish of me to want this for myself without considering them. I know it, but I don't know what to do about it.

 

The other person is deploying for Iraq (army) on Jan. 10th. So, time is of the essence here. I DO NOT want him to go to fight a war thinking I'll be here when he gets back, or sitting in a tent somewhere in the middle of the desert waiting for a letter from me. But I also don't want to tell him it's over when I desperately don't want it to be over.

 

I think that what I need to do is move back out again until I can get my head straight. It's just not right for me to be here pretending everything is normal, when my thoughts are centered on another man. I feel like a cheater all the time. I don't want to be a cheater.

 

I've made a string of mistakes...getting involved with someone when my marriage was not completely over, moving back too soon, not breaking it off completely, and continuing to talk to him. I don't want to make any more mistakes...but I don't know how to get around it. This sucks, and I can't believe I got myself into this situation. I'm not that kind of girl. I've always been the one to get hurt, not do the hurting. And now I'm hurting TWO people, three if you count my daughter. If anyone has any advice to offer, I'd love to hear it.

[_Saffy_]

this is a sad story, you sound extremely confused and clearly have no idea what you want here.

 

what does seem to stand out is that you dont want to be alone, but i think for the time being thats exactly what you need to do. spend some time out, work out whats best for you, and why you seem to be so afraid of.

 

 

 

I've always been the one to get hurt, not do the hurting. And now I'm hurting TWO people, three if you count my daughter.

 

the main person in this is your daughter, imagine how confused she must be to have been moved out, have another guy around straight away, then move back home to daddy......and now faced with the fact that she will probably be moved out again? "three if you count my daughter".......... makes her sound like an after thought.

 

when i moved on from my marriage, which was in a lot of ways very similar to yours, i moved because of my daughter. i moved because i did not want my daughter growing up thinking that it was ok to be treated the way her dad was treating me, i moved because i needed to protect her, and because i wanted her to grow up in a stable home environment which i knew i could provide better for her on my own.

 

things like this will scar her for life, you should think about that before doing anything else.

[upallnight]

One thing I need to make clear is that my daughter was not let in on anything that was happening between me and the other person. She didn't meet him. I didn't even speak his name to her.

 

I also moved out because of my daughter. I know that staying in an abusive relationship is bad parenting. I wanted what was best for her, as well as myself.

 

My daughter is NEVER an afterthought. I mentioned her the way I did in that quote because she is not a participant in this love triangle, not because she matters any less to me.

 

Even now I am considering her and if I should go along with this marriage and have her grow up with a less-than-satisfied mom, or if I should break free and be a happy mom, but with a broken family.

[_Saffy_]

i remember battling this one out very vividly, i was told that its better to have "separate but happy" parents rather than "together but unhappy" ones. she wont thank you in the long term for staying with her dad for what you feel is beneficial to her.

[moimeme]

I think you are too confused to make any decisions. You have no way of knowing if this other guy, who you have not known for that long, would indeed be the man of your dreams. A lot of guys seem so until you're living in the same house.

 

Let dude go to Iraq and tell him you're going to give the marriage one more shot. Then get yourself a counsellor and take some time to make careful decisions with the counsellor. You keep jumping into and out of things and that is clearly not the way to go. Stay put. You don't have to be all alone to reflect; you can do so mornings or evenings or when he's at work or whatever but quit leaping into decisions you later regret.

[imokurnot]

Your husband sounds like he has made some changes out of love. Now it will take time to see if they stick. Encouragement would help him along as well. The other person is new and exciting and seems perfect right now. That changes when you get confortable around each other, then you learn the negatives you have been blind of until that point. If your husband starts to revert then it is a no-brainer, you leave for your daughters and your own mental and physical well being. If he mantains his cool and is under control and you still leave him, he will revert and possibly become worse in his next relatinship since changing didn't seem to do any good at all. Most people will tell you to take care of yourself and your daughter, I will say that as well, but also remember your wedding vows and what you will be doing to someone you used to feel the same things that you now feel for the soldier.

 

I say stay put. I say you do some thinking alone and without distractions like talking to the soldier. Go to counseling as a couple if you haven't already started because with the new guy in your mind as well as the resentments you have built up, it is just a matter of time before you leave again when the soldier comes back home. Realistically, he should be out of the picture all together and your decision should be based on your husbands actions and you should work in counseling to get over your resentment. You said it, you were wrong to start something else at this point and it should be ended before he leaves for Iraq. Tell him your giving your marriage a real good chance and are going to work hard to save it. If it fails you'll call him but for him not to count on it and go on with his life. If your marriage fails and you end up with the soldier he will respect you and know that you will work very hard in your relationship with him if that is ever necessary. Just my 2 cents, now I am broke again......

 

Good Luck!

[upallnight2]

Thank you for your advice.

 

This has been very tough on me. I haven't slept or eaten well in two weeks (since I came home). It's not something I'm taking lightly.

 

You are right that I don't really know this man, but there's just something telling me he is right for me. It may be that time spent with him was at such a high contrast to the time I spent with my husband...it was relaxed, fun, energetic, happy. With my husband it was always so negative and painful.

 

imokurnot...I don't really agree with your statements regarding my husband's future relationships. How am I responsible for how he treats others and how his relationships pan out? I think that you're not putting enough emphasis on the fact that he abused me. He tormented me emotionally, and I was miserable. My self-esteem was shot, I didn't want to get out of bed, I walked on eggshells, and my heart pounded as soon as he walked in the door in the evening because I knew what was coming. If his abuse left bruises on my body, people would have told me to get out and never go back...but because he hurt me on the inside, it's less appalling somehow. I don't get it. It wasn't easy, and quite frankly, I'm the only person i know that would even give him another chance. I'm having a hard time seeing him for who he has become. You are right though, counseling will help. I am a good mother, I take care of everybody, I'm a TEACHER for chrissakes...I deserved a hell of a lot more respect than what I was getting.

 

I am trying to let the soldier go. He's leaving on the 10th, and I think I will just write him shortly after he gets there. I can't seem to tell him over the phone. I think he's getting the point...he asked me last night out of the blue if I was leaving him. I didn't say anything. Then he asked when he could see me, and I said I was really busy...before I was at his beck and call. He knows something's up, but I think he's semi in denial.

 

I can't keep this up much longer.

[upallnight]

I broke it off with the soldier last night. It was terrible, and I am heartbroken, and so is he. I don't love my husband and I don't think that I ever will, not after the way he treated me. I can't open back up to him. But I will stay for the sake of my family. And be miserable for the rest of my life, I guess.

[imokurnot]

I didn't take the abuse serously enough and I apologize for that. I never meant to belittle your feelings or justfy or excuse his abusive actions.

Don't stay if your miserable. Man I must not have read your initial post very well. First off I made light of the abuse and then I find out your miserable but trying to stay for your family. Get counseling for sure and asap. Don't stop caring for yourself because without that your children are worse off than if you stay in this relationship if your not able to work through your feelings and resentment.

 

I truly hope all works out for you no matter what you decide and I pray that you will never be

abused in a relationship again. Good luck!