"Im afraid you're gonna ditch me like mom did"

[The dad]

My 14 year old daughter told me this tonight when we were talking about me getting a girlfriend. Her mom and I have been separated about eight months. She now lives an hour away and is supposed to have her every other wkend. This was the second weekend she backed out and understandably our daughter is feeling rejected. Does anybody have any advice on how I should handle this?

[Canadiangirl78]

I'm a mother myself, and I have 2 boys, one 15 and the other is 2 and I can't even imagine being away from them. Anyway, my best advice is to not saying anything negative about her mother to her. My oldest sons father ditched him when I seperated from him when our son was 3, his mindset was if I wasn't going to be with him he wanted nothing to do with our son until I came back to him. As mind boggling as his way of thinking was/is to me I vowed to never ever bad mouth him to our son. I always knew that my son would one day be old enough to form his own opinion of his father and didn't need me to do it for him. All I could ever do is reassure him that I would always be there for him and that he was loved. In the last few months his dad has started to try to contact him and my son wants nothing to do with him. That is my sons choice and I don't blame him one bit. I know that decision was never once influenced by me or my words or negativity about his dad. All you can do is reassure her that you love her and will always be there for her and listen when she comes to you about the pain she is feeling. Best of luck to you

[pteromom]

Have a standing night out with your daughter. Maybe every Thursday night (or whatever night), you go to a movie, go to her favorite restaurant, go on a different adventure. Start that now.

 

Then as you start dating, NEVER cancel on your daughter. Your daughter's night comes first.

 

Any other routines that are a part of your life (helping with homework, talking after school, watching a certain tv show together, etc) also take priority over dating.

 

As your daughter sees that you aren't "ditching" her, she will relax and be accepting of a new relationship.

 

Then when it comes time for her to actually meet the woman you are dating, her comfort and participation is a top priority over your new gf (talk to your gf about this ahead of time so she isn't put out).

 

In order for your daughter to feel accepting and open, she has to know that she comes first.

 

As far as how to handle her mother, I agree with canadiangirl that you should not talk badly about her mother. But it is OK to say "I am so sorry you were disappointed again." It's OK to remind her that *she* isn't the reason her mother is not showing up and that you are lucky to get to spend the weekend with her. Then go do something special with her. She just needs to feel special.

[GuyInLimbo]

Just curious, why isn't the divorce yet final? And are you really ready to date in the first place. Personally, I would never date someone who was only separated, regardless of the circumstances.

 

14 is a tough, tough age for kids. Ptero was spot on with her advice. Burn it into your brain and do your best not to screw it up.

 

Now, as far as dating, don't even THINK about introducing your daughter to ANYONE unless it's long-term and serious. I'm talking a year here. But, before then, you really need to evaluate whether or not your daughter is in a healthy place. I don't know anything about your situation, but has your daughter been seeing a therapist at all? Are you involved in any family counseling? This is a very traumatic thing for her and she's at a sh*tty age, where everything is magnified x10. And if that means putting your dating on hold for a while to make sure SHE is emotionally and mentally healthy, then so be it.

[Yarrow]

I didn't reply to this thread because I didn't know how to answer, but I like ptero's response. That sounds spot on to me.

[littlejaz]

I agree with pteromom, but would add that if ever your night with your daughter ever does get cancelled (things do happen) you make up for it the very next available night. I would also get her into counseling and then talk with her counselor about when you should start dating. Eight months is not that long of a time to get over her parents splitting up and it might just be too soon for her.

 

Good luck.

[RightThere]

She's 14, so she's smart enough to see through any BS you try and spin. All you can do is what is in your power and always be there for your daughter and always do what you say you'll do.

 

My advice, don't slag your EX, but don't make excuses. Just say you don't know what's going on with her mom, but that you'll always be there for her. No matter how many times your EX disappoints your daughter, your daughter will always hold onto faint hope your EX will come through for her. So be prepared to be picking up the pieces a lot. Maybe provide her with some therapy so it doesn't get bottled up forever.

[The dad]

Thanks for all the feedback. I really like the idea about the night out. May be starting that one tonight. To clarify a few things, I am no where near ready for another relationship, I'm not even sure I'm ready for a date yet. I am putting all my energy on to trying to help my daughter and I. Our daughter has been in therapy for half of her life. She has been diagnosed with everything from bi-polar to autism. It did put a strain on our marriage and I honestly believe my ex got burnt out years ago. As a result of her issues our daughter has a very hard time making and keeping friends. She has few friends and no one I would call a best friend. It breaks my heart for her that she feels no one wants to be around her. Her grandfather and step grandmother from her mom's side have not called or stopped to check on her once. It's really hard to not let her know I'm just as mad at her mom as she is for the way she has done her. I don't bad mouth her to her, and I do defend her mom when she is right. But she will know that I am here for her no matter what. To add one more thing, she has said she would be ok with me dating Kelly Clarkson. Anyone have her number.lol

[TheBladeRunner]

Thanks for all the feedback. I really like the idea about the night out. May be starting that one tonight. To clarify a few things, I am no where near ready for another relationship, I'm not even sure I'm ready for a date yet. I am putting all my energy on to trying to help my daughter and I. Our daughter has been in therapy for half of her life. She has been diagnosed with everything from bi-polar to autism. It did put a strain on our marriage and I honestly believe my ex got burnt out years ago. As a result of her issues our daughter has a very hard time making and keeping friends. She has few friends and no one I would call a best friend. It breaks my heart for her that she feels no one wants to be around her. Her grandfather and step grandmother from her mom's side have not called or stopped to check on her once. It's really hard to not let her know I'm just as mad at her mom as she is for the way she has done her. I don't bad mouth her to her, and I do defend her mom when she is right. But she will know that I am here for her no matter what. To add one more thing, she has said she would be ok with me dating Kelly Clarkson. Anyone have her number.lol

 

I just had Kelly and Brittany Spears.....they were rubbish , my daughter that is five wants me with Katy Perry......not too sure about her. All you can do is be there. I have been out of the house as I call it since August of 2012. I tried to date early on, but found it didn't work. Agreed with other posters, don't blow the kid off for the date. I have a 50/50 deal and if my date can't face the fact I have my daughter EVERY Monday and Tuesday she has to go. You'll be alright my friend, just give it time.