How to not let strong emotions creep in with FWB?

[georgieg]

There's a guy I've been interested in for a bit, who I'm sort of friends with (we've hung out a few times, and one of his best friends is one of my best friends). We ended up making out at a party this weekend, but I stopped it because he was really intoxicated, much more so than I was. And I've been that girl before, and it never turns out well.

 

After doing a little digging, I found out that this guy is a bit of a womanizer and a dog. Granted, he's also incredibly well-mannered (I've literally never met a guy with such great manners before), tons of fun to be around, and a nice guy. But he doesn't have a great track record with women.

 

I decided that rather than let myself fall for him and get hurt, I'd rather just go in with my eyes wide open and have a FWB setup (we had great chemistry the other night and I find him incredibly attractive). I've done this before, but it's been many, many years.

 

I want to protect myself as best I can from falling for him, and just have some fun. And hopefully preserve the friendship in the long run. I know setting up some ground rules is going to be important, but what things should I do to make sure I don't fall for him, since it's pretty unlikely those feelings would be returned?

 

Again, I've done this before, but it's been years (over a decade) and I just don't want to get in over my head. As a general rule, I have a really good handle on my emotions, but I can get carried away at times, especially when it comes to guys.

 

Oh, and he and I have already had a talk about this and he's totally on board with the idea. And we're even going to an event together (we were both going anyway, but not "together") in a couple weeks, which makes me feel better about the "friends" part of this setup.

[StrongLass]

There's a guy I've been interested in for a bit, who I'm sort of friends with

 

After doing a little digging, I found out that this guy is a bit of a womanizer and a dog. tons of fun to be around, and a nice guy. But he doesn't have a great track record with women.

 

it's pretty unlikely those feelings would be returned?

 

but I can get carried away at times, especially when it comes to guys.

 

See everything I quoted above? Those are all the things you've said that make me think this is a bad idea & that you KNOW it on some level but are probably going to take the risk anyways.

 

Oh, and he and I have already had a talk about this and he's totally on board with the idea.

 

Um duh? Lots of guys only DREAM about regular sex w/ no strings attached.

 

And we're even going to an event together (we were both going anyway, but not "together") in a couple weeks, which makes me feel better about the "friends" part of this setup.

 

Why? You've expressed interest in an arrangement w/ him that puts him coming out ahead NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. OF COURSE he'd agree to go with you!

 

Seriously, the more you say the more I think you're trying to convince yourself that you'd actually be ok with this even though eventually it's VERY likely you won't be.

Edited December 9, 2013 by StrongLass

[georgieg]

A) I know enough to break this thing off the second I start wanting more. These things have an expiration date. I know this. I just want to prolong it as long as possible.

 

B) I stress the "friends" part in any friends with benefits situation. The second I start feeling like nothing more than a booty call, I'll end it (and he'll know this from the beginning).

 

C) I don't do one-night stands (been there, done that, not for me), and since I currently have no other prospects, what's wrong with wanting to have someone to have some fun with on a regular basis? He's hot, he's a gentleman (yes, a guy can be a gentleman and still not have a great track record with women, and I don't mean that he's suave when I say that, I mean that he does things like open doors for me, offer me his coat if I'm cold, etc.), and he makes me feel good about myself. And there's plenty of physical chemistry.

 

D) And yeah, I'm totally going to take the risk that I might get hurt. What fun is life if we don't take risks? I've had my heart broken and bruised so many times, and rarely have I regretted it. If we aren't willing to risk everything, how are we ever going to do anything great? Most of the best things I've achieved in life have come through diving in with both feet and hoping for the best, and firmly believing that whatever the outcome, it happened for a reason.

[d0nnivain]

Women have a tendency to fall in love once sex comes into the picture.

 

 

If you are intent on doing this, you have to be smart. You can't do any date like things -- no hanging out, no shared meals, minimal conversation (which should be limited to how fast can you get here & be naked? or touch me there)

 

 

Also before you see him remind yourself that he's a cad (in contrast to dogs who are loyal) & that as wonderful as the outside is, the inside is not so pretty. Remind yourself of that over & over after you leave.

 

 

If you can't have sex without emotion, don't do this. It will destroy you.

[georgieg]

You can't do any date like things -- no hanging out, no shared meals, minimal conversation (which should be limited to how fast can you get here & be naked? or touch me there)

 

That's not "friends with benefits" then, that's a booty call...big difference.

 

 

If you can't have sex without emotion, don't do this. It will destroy you.

 

I think "destroy" is a bit hyperbolic.

 

I'm starting to wish I hadn't asked the question. Y'all seem to think that women are just emotional messes and we're bound to get our feelings hurt and men just do nothing but take advantage of us whenever they can.

 

We're two consenting adults, who can hang out and have fun together (and have), and I'm confident we can sleep together without either of us being "destroyed" by it.

 

So if anyone has practical advice on how to keep romantic feelings out of it while still being friends, I'd love to hear it.

[d0nnivain]

I had a FWB relationship with a friend. He wanted to include the hanging out piece. I didn't but I gave in because we had hung out before we started having sex. He ended up falling for me & I had to hurt his feelings by ending the physical aspects of our otherwise mutually beneficial arrangement. I felt terrible but because I knew I didn't share his feelings & never would, to continue would have been more cruel.

 

 

It took almost 2 years to find our way back to friends and 5 more to make it stick / not be weird. It was a tough long way back. He set out on a self destructive course after I ended our benefits. As his friend, I wanted to be there to help. As the woman who hurt him, I knew my actions added to his pain so I had to back off & let other mutual friends glue him back together.

 

 

Your Q asked how to make sure the emotions don't come out & that you don't fall for him. If it walks like a duck & quacks like a duck, guess what? It's a relationship & your heart is going to come into the picture. The best way to avoid that is to be more like a bootie call. It doesn't matter what you call it: bootie call, FWB, NSA -- it's the same thing -- non-exclusive, emotionless, physical release.

 

 

I don't think "destroy" is the wrong word but you are right, I don't know you. Most women can't emotionally detach & then they engage in all these date like behaviors -- eating together, hanging out, texting etc. -- but when the guy revolts at the idea of being the BF they freak & cry & get all upset like this is some big surprise for them.

 

 

If someone gives their heart away easily especially after sex, I don't think that person is a good candidate for a FWB relationship because they will get hurt even if they think they are going in with their eyes wide open. The fact that you are worried about it, indicates to me that you might not have the emotional distance you will need to avoid getting hurt.