Brother announced his engagement this evening

[Teknoe]

I had mixed emotions, and feel guilty about it.

 

Part of me is happy for him and his fiance. She and I get along well and I like her. But the other part of me feels sad in the sense that I'm sure he'll have a kid soon and wow... my brother finally will be married and be a dad. I honestly never thought this day would come, rather I knew it might happen someday but now reality is dawning on me. He's older, and never had a girlfriend his entire life until he was 30. He got lucky and met the one girl that liked him back and they have been dating 2.5 years now.

 

I guess I feel sad because I'm now 30, still single and admittedly, still living a simple life. I've become massively introverted over the past 6 months or so, and my social circle has basically disappeared. I don't see any prospects over the horizon, and I spend my weekends at home. I like this life. It's not very adventurous, but I'm a homebody. I don't know if I'll get married anytime soon like within the next 3 years... I honestly don't see it, due to my lifestyle and the fact that I enjoy being alone right now.

 

I feel like with his wedding next year, I'll be caught in this weird cycle of "You're next Tek!" and "hey where is YOUR girlfriend???"

 

I've come to realize I'm just different from most people. I like to go to work, then crash at home afterward and on the weekends. I like to be left alone and enjoy my me time. I know this is selfish, but I know with my brother taking the "next steps" in life (i.e. marriage, family), it only puts more pressure on me to do the same.

 

That's why I feel guilty. I'm being selfish. I should just be happy for him, and I am, but part of me is panicking a bit, too. I guess you can separate yourself from the rest of the world so much that you don't see other marriages, other people your age living a lavish lifestyle and all that, but then your own blood and flesh does it and it's right in your face -- unavoidable.

 

Happy for him, yet feeling a little sad that I'll be getting left behind. I don't mind my simple lifestyle, but the older I get the harder it becomes to maintain. When you're 26 and single, people understand. When you're 33 and still single, people wonder. I'm several years away from 33, but each year I inch closer and closer as I realize I just am not like a lot of my peers who love to travel, dine out and have a large social circle. I could be perfectly content at home in my PJs lounging around with just my games and my Netflix.

 

Ah, the 30s.

[emva07]

people will always be in your business to tell you how to live your life but once you're ****ed, no one is there to help you.

 

Just live your life as you see fit. Nowadays getting married at a certain age isn't as important anymore.

[KathyM]

I can see that you would have mixed feelings about his engagement. It's like you are losing a brother, in a way, as his life will be mainly focused around his marriage and children now. But you could think of the positives in this, and there are definitely positives for you. You are gaining a sister-in-law, and will be an uncle to his children, which can be a very special place for them and for you. My nephew was in a similar position than you, although he never was really looking for a girlfriend, as he was focused on committing his life to the church. His brother married at an early age and had children shortly thereafter. The two brothers did, however, remain close, and he treated his brother's wife as a dear friend, and he was very close to his nephews, and a very important part of their life. Now, in his late 20s, he married a woman he had known as a friend for many years, and now has children of his own as well.

 

So, I guess what I'm saying is, think of this as that you are gaining a sister-in-law and eventually nieces and nephews that can be an important part of your life. You can still make efforts to remain close to your brother and do things with him exclusively. If someone questions you about your dating status, use it as an opportunity to tell them "I'm looking, but haven't found the right one yet." The more you put the word out, the more people will be inclined to introduce you to someone they know. I know you are kind of an introvert, but introverts need companionship too, so I would suggest you resist the urge to isolate yourself. You are doing that as a self-protective measure to avoid discomfort, but that is not going to help you in the long run. You need to put yourself out there, join things and do things that you would find interesting, even if it puts you out of your comfort zone. Whether or not a girlfriend results from it, you will at least be gaining from new experiences and gaining from interactions and friendships with others, as well as increasing your chances of finding the right person for you. I also want to suggest again looking into finding a dating coach to work over any issues that may be holding you back.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Can you trace anything familial to the reason why you each reached such a later age without having known a serious romance along the way???

 

 

I think even decent family environs can sometimes inspire the offspring to not invest themselves in romance or the like.

 

 

The worst thing you can do is start pressing about it, or start thinking you need to change specifics about your individuality. (Indeed it might be true that to go out and simply meet lots of people might bring a much greater probability of kindling romance - but you need not alter your physical characteristics or the like)

[Goomba]

I know where your coming from. I'm also in my thirties now and didn't do much at all in my twenties to find someone. Won't be the first to get married or give grand kids. That's something I can never compete with.

 

You just have to ignore outside pressures and from yourself to find someone. It will happen but you have to be more proactive and put yourself out there more.

[Teknoe]

True guys, I have to put myself out there and be willing to put my neck on the line... AGAIN, regardless of past failures.

 

On the bright side, I was given a nice boost in confidence today when a lady in her late 30s complimented me on my looks. She said "You look handsome" and blushed. It was flattering and awkward all at the same time, mainly because she is the mom of one of my students, LOL. And I believe she is a widow, which makes it more awkward. It was like she was hitting on me, heh, but I just took it as a nice compliment. I thanked her and have to admit I walked back to campus with my head held a little higher. I always considered myself average looking at best, and there are even lots of times where I don't feel entirely comfortable in my own skin unless I totally "dress myself up," meaning, wearing my "best" clothes (and not just "lazy" clothes that I pull off the rack to run errands in, but don't feel they accentuate my best features -- it's like I save my best clothes for social events, but wear "crappier" clothes for errands and such but that I don't feel great in, I wear it because I'm not anywhere "special"), gel my hair, etc.

 

Anyway, her compliment was a nice boost for me. I am definitely not a bad looking guy. Just need to find the right partner/fit for me and my lifestyle, and vice versa!