Another story...all the same

[Silverbirch]

Hi, I found this website a couple of weeks ago and reading all your stories helped open my eyes on my situation. So I'm now lying in bed writing this having finally let my rational mind decide enough is enough. I just wanted to share my story and get some comfort because it's a horrible situation and scary how many woman are in our boat.

 

I started a new job 4 months ago and immediately was attracted to a colleague. I could sense from the moment we met he was attracted to me. Our paths at work meant we crossed once a day and during that time he started chatting to me, finding out about myself and me, him. He then began to chase, suggesting we met up outside of work. As a woman I naturally played it cool, but did agree to see him one weekend, only to be told he couldn't meet after all, when it came to it. He was in the process of moving into a new house, telling me he lived alone, so I put it down to that, in my naivety. Anyway, after blowing cold on me, he suddenly upped a gear and started chasing again, this time leading to a kiss. And another.

 

Suddenly, a few days later I got a text saying we needed to talk. At this point I assumed it was the usual "I've changed my mind, not into you , lets be friends blah blah" a never in a million years did I EVER expect to hear the words that will forever be etched into my memory "I've been lying to you. I have a girlfriend." There are few times in my life where I have been rendered silent; this was one of them. Turns out he'd been with her for nearly three years, he was resentful because she'd told him it was either his old job or him, because it involved him travelling away a lot and she wanted to move in with him and with his old job that wasn't possible. I asked why he told me now, he said because he knew it was right, I deserved to know and if I found out any other way I'd never speak to him again. He promised he would do all that he could to make it up to me and I was explicitly clear that nothing more could happen between us than just friends. He looked miserable and said "but I want more than friends". Over the next few days he continued to see how I was feeling and told me he didn't regret a thing and that he'd made his choice- he wanted me and was telling his gf.

 

So I fell into a trap. Seeing him outside of work; him pretending to work. Nothing happening between us more than cuddling up together. The texts continued to be daily and I grew closer to him. At this point it had been over a month and a half after he'd told me. Then a few weeks ago he went cold again and I realised I was the one always asking to see him. I got myself into such a state of anxiety I knew it wasn't healthy for me. I hadn't slept properly since he told me and I came across this website and read other stories and realised that whilst it may not be sexual, we were having an emotional affair and it was still wrong. I resolved to end it and kept setting a date. I would then see him on said date and lose my resolve. Meanwhile, he suddenly took our conversation to a new area: sex. What were my preferences, had I thought about us because he had; what did I want to try; what was I willing to try? I disclosed a little, feeling a little uncomfortable, but as soon as he asked me that last question, I clammed up. It was too inappropriate and I told him this. He then sulked for a few days and a week later back to his normal self, saying he'd just been ill etc. This time, he told me he'd had sexual dreams about me and also made another inappropriate comment and his hands were ever so slightly starting to wander when touching me. I once again pulled him up on this and he said he had no shame in hiding what he was thinking and told me he was having thoughts about us right then. The tension between us grew and it took every single ounce of self control for me not to kiss him. He knew this, saying "you're a bit of a flirt aren't you, you look at me that way and it just makes me melt. Then you lean in as though you are going to kiss me and pull away, you want to, don't you". I then bring up our situation AGAIN and remind him why I can't. He then reels off a load of excuses saying how difficult, he'd be homeless with no one to move in with and can't afford to live by himself, I didn't understand, he can't give a timeframe blah blah. He added if I found it hard, just tell him and he'd leave me alone. Then he said he got this impression at times that I wasn't interested anymore and wondered if I was trying to get rid of him. I asked what would get rid of him, he said "if I saw you with another man, I would lose interest straight away and wouldn't bother."

 

So in effect, it genuinely felt like his plan was to make me so sexually frustrated I cracked, by emotionally starving me of affection. He got to go home and release his frustration on his girlfriend, whilst I suffered alone, guilt-tripped into not seeing anyone else. That way I would be the one to come onto him so he could throw that back in my face and tell gf that. Unfortunately, he picked the wrong girl to try that one with and I finally cracked. I knew I wouldn't do it to his face and if I did, he would try and convince me otherwise, so I texted him that night saying that I'd been thinking about our conversation and the situation was too difficult for me to see him until his circumstances changed and he was single. I got a reply saying nothing else than I was cowardly for not telling him to his face. I got ignored at work the next day and it wasn't an angry ignored, it was a sad and hurt ignored. Silence from him since and it's day 4.

 

So, we shall see if he does it. His silence suggests my gut was right, though. He was only after his cake to eat and it was just talk. My main issue is why. Why tell me he has a gf to begin with? If it was just sex, he could have had that without me knowing. That's the only reason I thought he could be genuine and gave him a chance, I thought he just made a stupid thoughtless mistake and had done a brave thing by being honest. I just don't get why he led me on. I keep doubting myself and thinking I've once again read too much into things and overthought the situation and doing him an injustice thinking this. Then I remind myself actions are louder than words.

 

Anyway, that's my story. I feel proud of myself for my self control and for finally doing the completely right thing. A little part of myself hates myself for being moral; it's been such a long time since I was in a relationship as my last bf burned me badly and I'm craving the physical intimacy badly. But I keep myself sane by telling myself his girlfriend's name and putting myself in her shoes and know it's for the best.

 

I just would give anything to be happy

Edited December 9, 2013 by Silverbirch

[Silverbirch]

I saw him today and got completely ignored. Just blanked me as though I didn't exist, so cold. Also put on his Facebook how people seemed intent on pîssing him off...I'm not even friends with I'm on Facebook, but he'd made it public so I could see it.

 

It hurts

[sunburned]

Silverbirch, congratulations on prevailing where so many of us have fallen short. While they weren't as strong as they could be, you demonstrated you have boundaries. I'm sure you know from reading these boards, you have most likely dodged a bullet. Affairs almost always end in emotional disaster. You were wise to walk away with your dignity, self respect and "power" intact!

[Snipercatt]

Sure it hurts, that's a fact.

 

If it was just sex, he could have had that without me knowing.

 

Yes, but then it would be his fault that he was deceitful. By telling you he wouldn't have to feel so bad about what he did because you would have had sex with him with the full knowledge that he had a girlfriend.

 

It isn't just that he wanted sex with you, he wanted it guilt and responsibility free. That's why he's having a mantrum. He didn't get what he wanted and now he's denying you contact in the hope you capitulate.

 

He's a player.

[unicorn farts]

Sniper, mantrum is an incredible word. I will have to borrow that one.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, Silverbirch. What a crud this guy is. Having a hissyfit because you weren't willing to be his OW? What an entitled POS.

[Silverbirch]

Thank you. Snipercat, thanks for shedding light on that one.

 

He got in touch last night. He's stopped sulking and is now playing the hurt card. He even pulled the maniac girlfriend who has threatened to kill herself if he left card.

Agh!

[Snipercatt]

". . . maniac girlfriend who has threatened to kill herself if he left card."

 

What are the chances? Not likely, but since this would suggest that he's told her he is keaving you could always tell him you want to confirm that with her. Except, it's not worth it. He hasn't changed, won't change. Block him and move on and be grateful you only wasted 4 months!

[Silverbirch]

So, an update. He contacted me about a day after saying how hurt he was, because I had ignored him and he realised how awful that must have felt with me. He wanted to talk. I let him come and we talked. I told him how I felt, he said he'd better start putting things into motion, planning where he was going to live, because he had fallen head over heels for me and didn't know I felt so strongly, apparently. I let him see my one more time to exchange Xmas presents before I left to visit my family. Yet again we nearly kissed and I don't know if I will ever forget the hug he gave me, where I felt so close and he told me when I was his he'd never let me go. We didn't let go of each other for about half an hour.

 

Then I left and he became increasingly distant. The promised call at midnight NY never came....just a lousy text. He then tried to call that evening and claimed he tried but couldn't get through...blah blah....

 

I arrived back and asked him about us. He said he had news but wanted to tell me in person, yet never asked to meet. At his point I cracked and texted him telling him he was treating me like crap. He then tried to reset the conversation!!! I rang him, he never picked up, I left VM asking to call, SIX HOURS LATER he texted saying he wasn't alone. I stopped talking to him I was so angry, I then got a text a few days later telling me about a health scare, a lump. Of course I had to talk to him, we then began a vicious cycle of him sort of telling me nothing could happen, then denying he'd said that. I told him I wanted to support him but it wasn't my place and if he wanted me to, he knew what he had to do. I also told him my patience was running out and I needed my space. Reluctantly, he gave me space and I felt SO MUCH BETTER. He then found an excuse to text me and began sweet talking again.

 

Fast forward two weeks later. No appointment yet, apparently. Then I had a bad day at work with a situation arising, which forced me to realise how much it was wrecking my life. Not to mention the reduced contact made me feel so much better. In those two weeks I had come to finally realise that if he was going to leave gf, I needed to be blunt. I asked to talk to him, told him about my work situation and that I needed support because I was in a bad place. I needed him to be man enough to go home and end things that weekend, but that I didn't think he could, but I wanted him to prove me wrong. He admitted he was a coward and seemed to swing between being unsure whether he could do it or not.

 

His Facebook is limited because we aren't friends (something I decided would be emotionally better for me) and he updated a status made public saying "what a f*king joke!". I knew it was over and he was angry, I texted him when his time frame was up saying "guess you've made your choice, didn't want to prove me wrong"- he replied "you ambushed me and gave me an ultimatum, something I hate". I reminded him it was a moral choice and not a choice between two things. He never replied. I saw him around work and pretty much blanked him except for a time we had to work together, where we both were distant and talked only when we needed to. That night, last Friday, I got a text telling me that this would probably be the last text he sent, he understood why I said and did what I did and now I get my space as he realised his contact wasn't helpful. Told me his test was clean "since you never asked"(!). I replied thanking him for letting me know and he should have stopped messaging me a long time ago when he knew he was never going to leave his gf and lead me on. I added she deserved better than someone who cheated and lied to her. He didn't reply, I've started ignoring him and we are now in the field of psychological mind games where he deliberately tries to alert me to his presence when we are near each other and in the dining hall today, saw he was sat at a table opposite me, so repositioned himself on the table so he had his back to me. I caught him watching me, though. I do my best to pretend all is well, unfortunately he knows me too well to know it's not true.

 

I feel so angry, confused and hurt. I can't work out if he's one scheming manipulator after sex who did everything he could to try and break me, or a coward who genuinely fell for someone but was too gutless to leave his three year relationship, especially when it's their anniversary next week. I don't know which hurts more and I think I will have to accept I will never know. I swing between relief to mournful torture, replaying those few moments of intimacy that we shared before I knew his situation and that hug. I mourn the fact we were never intimate, but also find immense comfort, too and I think in time, that will win over the latter. He never got all of me and my conscience won. I can hold my head high knowing I never became his OW and let him get his way. He never got my body and he never got many of my secrets. It's a small comfort, but it helps.

 

What with his and my hellish work situation, I feel beaten up. I'm speaking to a counsellor tomorrow because I need to do something. I need to be prepared for when he tries to break NC and see me, try and talk to me. My silence will break him because I know what he's like and I need to be strong to fight.

Edited February 5, 2014 by Silverbirch

[blue963]

I know you are miserable, but please be very thankful that it didn't go any further. It could have would up being incredibly more difficult.

[txgrl]

4 months is nothing . Maintain strict NC, put him in yr past and move on . Save yourself a boatload of misery and a bucketful of tears. This guy is trouble!

[blue963]

Yes he is trouble. It seems as though he likes playing with your emotions/feelings.