Double betrayal

[hayleym]

How much worse would your story be if you were very closely connected to both people involved in the affair? I'm wondering how much worse people view this, and how often it happens, and what led to DDay.

 

I'm not asking for any other reason than the discussion, it's not to better hide my own affair so don't feel I'm digging for tips.

 

I have been in an active physical and emotional affair with my friends husband for two years, he's close with my husband, all of us are individually friends. We see each other several times a week, no funny business much more often than a couple times a month, the vast majority of our time spent together is as a group or me with his wife, and we are incredibly close.

 

I do feel guilty sometimes but have come to the conclusion it's more a fear of getting discovered than actual guilt, because I'm not damaging their marriage, in my eyes, although I'm aware of how I am indirectly. If I knew with out any doubt this would never be discovered, then I really don't think I'd feel bad at all, sounds cold and cruel, but it's the way I really feel.

 

If the affair ended I would still care for both of them an incredible amount and would deal with my grief over it ending alone without telling anyone and just continue to be friends. We intend for this to be a long term affair, but nothing is certain in life, this all could change tomorrow. I'm not here to discuss how we are 'slowly destroying' our marriages though so if this judgments could be saved for another thread, I'm well aware of those reasons.

 

Was your affair a double betrayal? Who did you place more blame on if so? In the beginning if it had ended quickly I know more blame would have been placed on OM but now after certain events as well as it going on this long, I would shoulder much of the blame. In my situation.

 

I do not feel I dig for information on their marriage but they both offer it up, I don't feel I manipulate either but to be honest, I could be in denial

 

Because I do love the attention I get from him, and seek it out.

 

How many people have been involved in an affair with a friend or family members spouse and how many have caught their spouse in that situation .. How did the discovery happen?

[threelaurels]

How much worse would your story be if you were very closely connected to both people involved in the affair?

 

Had it happened in my betrayal, I would have killed myself. I'm not saying that to be dramatic. I just wouldn't have had the emotional resources to deal with it. It would be a selfish and a way out, of course, but I think I'd be entitled to a little bit of selfishness given the circumstances.

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him? You are disrespecting and humiliating your husband and your own marriage.

If and when your husband finds out he probably will never forgive this humiliation that you have brought to him. Do you love your husband? Does it bother you that the chances are great that you will probably be divorced by your husband and does it not matter to you?

 

The fact that you are so close and remain close to the wife is truly unbelievably cruel to her. Sorry but you must be getting some sick pleasure being so nice to the wife knowing that you are screwing her husband behind your back. You have a broken moral compass. You do realize it is a matter of time before it will eventually come out.

The likely end is that:

1. Your lover will dump you and work to stay in his marriage.

2. His wife will never forgive you and talk to you again.

2. Your husband will divorce you.

 

When you are cruel to people that care about you it always ends up coming back on you two-fold. You are in big time denial.

[hayleym]

How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him? You are disrespecting and humiliating your husband and your own marriage.

If and when your husband finds out he probably will never forgive this humiliation that you have brought to him. Do you love your husband? Does it bother you that the chances are great that you will probably be divorced by your husband and does it not matter to you?

 

The fact that you are so close and remain close to the wife is truly unbelievably cruel to her. Sorry but you must be getting some sick pleasure being so nice to the wife knowing that you are screwing her husband behind your back. You have a broken moral compass. You do realize it is a matter of time before it will eventually come out.

The likely end is that:

1. Your lover will dump you and work to stay in his marriage.

2. His wife will never forgive you and talk to you again.

2. Your husband will divorce you.

 

When you are cruel to people that care about you it always ends up coming back on you two-fold. You are in big time denial.

 

Well not really the point of this thread, I have heard all that before though, thanks.

I'd be in an open marriage if my husband would agree to it. I've stated before him having an emotional affair would be harder for me to come to terms with, a sexual affair, I would be upset about the lies of there was any, but not so much the act of sex.

[hayleym]

Had it happened in my betrayal, I would have killed myself. I'm not saying that to be dramatic. I just wouldn't have had the emotional resources to deal with it. It would be a selfish and a way out, of course, but I think I'd be entitled to a little bit of selfishness given the circumstances.

 

Understandable, thanks for your thoughts.

[Owl]

Yes, this double betrayal is worse.

 

My wife's OM went out of his way to befriend me...all the while at the same time engaging in inappropriate communications with my wife.

 

When your situation comes out, and everyone is aware of what has gone on, the pain will be even greater for the betrayed, because there were betrayed friendships as well as betrayed marriages.

 

And in the end...none of you are likely to remain friends. At best, you might be lucky enough to still have your H if the two of you manage to recover your marriage...but if that happens, your H will surely INSIST that there be no further contact with the other man. Odds are highest that this will end with a scorched earth situation, with no one remaining happily together as a result.

[hayleym]

Yes, this double betrayal is worse.

 

My wife's OM went out of his way to befriend me...all the while at the same time engaging in inappropriate communications with my wife.

 

When your situation comes out, and everyone is aware of what has gone on, the pain will be even greater for the betrayed, because there were betrayed friendships as well as betrayed marriages.

 

And in the end...none of you are likely to remain friends. At best, you might be lucky enough to still have your H if the two of you manage to recover your marriage...but if that happens, your H will surely INSIST that there be no further contact with the other man. Odds are highest that this will end with a scorched earth situation, with no one remaining happily together as a result.

 

If this came out I would in no way be interested in a reconciliation. I would divorce.

[sweet_pea]

If this came out I would in no way be interested in a reconciliation. I would divorce.

 

So... why not divorce now? Why wait until it comes out?

 

Also, yes, a double betrayal to me is absolutely one of the most awful things two people can do to someone they claim to "love" or "care about" (hint: you don't do that to someone you love and care about). But that's just me.

[hayleym]

So... why not divorce now? Why wait until it comes out?

 

Also, yes, a double betrayal to me is absolutely one of the most awful things two people can do to someone they claim to "love" or "care about" (hint: you don't do that to someone you love and care about). But that's just me.

 

I haven't used the word love here at all. In my mind I feel love in a lot of ways for those involved but I'm not going to try and defend or explain it because I'm well aware people don't see things the same way I do.

 

I've been going to IC for a few weeks, and a lot of things have come out to explain a little of what's going on with me.

[tired girl]

You say that your H having an emotional affair would be more difficult for you rather than just a sexual act.

 

I felt the exact same way. And what did my H chose to have at least twice? EA's. A one or two time non involved sex act where he didn't care about the person is something I can understand, and get past. But talking to and being involved with someone is proving much more difficult. And yet look at what you are doing? You are involved with this person long term. Your H should he find out will see this as emotional involvement, and it is. So aren't you doing to him what would hurt you the most?

[hayleym]

Im curious more how people discovered the affairs and if they had been suspected ahead of time. Our isn't in anyone's face, I don't think anyone suspects me and him are especially close although people do think as couple we are swingers, but we are not.

[sweet_pea]

I haven't used the word love here at all. In my mind I feel love in a lot of ways for those involved but I'm not going to try and defend or explain it because I'm well aware people don't see things the same way I do.

 

I've been going to IC for a few weeks, and a lot of things have come out to explain a little of what's going on with me.

 

I know you haven't used love, I was using it. Most of the posts on double betrayal, the betrayers use the words love/care/etc. That was my interpretation of it all.

 

I guess I'm just confused as to why you would wait until after things come out to divorce rather than doing it now. However, that's a t/j so I'll be on my way...

[hayleym]

I have recently been told I likely have a personality disorder that I had never heard of, it's not an excuse but explains a lot.

 

I'm very curious now if his lack of guilt and in fact excitement over this whole thing points to a flaw in his character or what this all means, why some people couldn't look in the mirror and how not only can I look in the mirror and like what I see but I can look my husband and his wife in the eye and feel just fine too.

 

My OM is perfect to me but maybe that's just because I see so much of myself in him, because by most standards he would be considered a bad person, by society, but I find him magnetic and incredible. It's just confusing to me.

 

A few years ago I wouldn't have understood my situation at all and would have been horrified at the whole ordeal, but I am quite happy and content with where we are. I am excited by it, and not embarrassed to say so. My aim is not to ruin our marriages or hurt anyone but obviously I know that's the risk and I've been taking it for two years with no plan to end it.

 

I don't plan to divorce because I have a happy comfortable life and a family. But yes if there was a DDay I wouldn't even attempt reconciliation because that life would be over. I'd move on.

[tired girl]

If that is the case, I find it interesting that an emotional attachment on your H's end would bother you. I don't think it would as much as you think it might.

[Bryanp]

If your have children how do you think they would react if this all comes out?

I do not think you understand the ramifications that will befall you if this all comes out.

[hayleym]

You say that your H having an emotional affair would be more difficult for you rather than just a sexual act.

 

I felt the exact same way. And what did my H chose to have at least twice? EA's. A one or two time non involved sex act where he didn't care about the person is something I can understand, and get past. But talking to and being involved with someone is proving much more difficult. And yet look at what you are doing? You are involved with this person long term. Your H should he find out will see this as emotional involvement, and it is. So aren't you doing to him what would hurt you the most?

 

Yes I am, I realize that for sure. It wasn't in the plan at all, we intended for it to be purely sexual, which in it self was very wrong, but it was obviously always going to turn emotional since it was from the start .. Friends for a few years before the affair, and all of us growing so much closer after it started I was very much in denial that it was very much an emotional attachment at first.

[hayleym]

If that is the case, I find it interesting that an emotional attachment on your H's end would bother you. I don't think it would as much as you think it might.

 

I never said I thought it would bother me a great deal. I am just able to admit I wouldn't be 100 percent comfortable with it, but could easily learn to adapt. I adapt very well to things.

 

The things I have a hard time getting over are usually when I was successfully lied to, I don't deal with being lied to well. Not to many people could lie to me successfully and if someone did I almost get insulted, ashamed at myself for letting them pull one over on me, that kind if thing. Hard to put into words people would understand. So if I was to put my self in my husbands shoes and be honest, it would be an emotional affair that would be hardest for me to deal with.

[tiredofitall2]

Well not really the point of this thread, I have heard all that before though, thanks.

I'd be in an open marriage if my husband would agree to it. I've stated before him having an emotional affair would be harder for me to come to terms with, a sexual affair, I would be upset about the lies of there was any, but not so much the act of sex.

 

 

I think this is a discussion for the Other Man/ Other Woman forum.

[hayleym]

I know you haven't used love, I was using it. Most of the posts on double betrayal, the betrayers use the words love/care/etc. That was my interpretation of it all.

 

I guess I'm just confused as to why you would wait until after things come out to divorce rather than doing it now. However, that's a t/j so I'll be on my way...

 

I like my life, the connection with OM is an added bonus. That's why I don't want a divorce. We are stable, successful and have a good sex life, mutual family friends and life goals, that image would be shattered after a DDay so I would want a divorce but as it stands a divorce would not benefit me. Not trying to make friends here just being brutally honest.

[miguelcervantes]

If this is real, it is very hard to understand what you are after here ? What is it that you really want to know ? You are having a hideous affair and are quite happy with it and have already justified it to the nth degree. You do not really care if you are found out as you are happy to divorce but prefer the comfort of it being a long term illicit affair (for many reasons). So from other people who have been involved in a similar relationship, you want to know exactly what ? Whether they could justify it like you ? Whether they got caught and how so that you can protect yourself better ? Kind of heartless thread given the forum you have posted on - don't you think ?

[hayleym]

I know you haven't used love, I was using it. Most of the posts on double betrayal, the betrayers use the words love/care/etc. That was my interpretation of it all.

 

I guess I'm just confused as to why you would wait until after things come out to divorce rather than doing it now. However, that's a t/j so I'll be on my way...

 

I like my life, the connection with OM is an added bonus. That's why I don't want a divorce. We are stable, successful and have a good sex life, mutual family friends and life goals, that image would be shattered after a DDay so I would want a divorce but as it stands a divorce would not benefit me. Not trying to make friends here just being brutally honest.

 

And since you brought it up, I do feel that I love all three of them, but people here are adamant it's not real love, and I can easily see why, so I'm not going to try and convince anyone

[miguelcervantes]

I like my life, the connection with OM is an added bonus. That's why I don't want a divorce. We are stable, successful and have a good sex life, mutual family friends and life goals, that image would be shattered after a DDay so I would want a divorce but as it stands a divorce would not benefit me. Not trying to make friends here just being brutally honest.

 

And since you brought it up, I do feel that I love all three of them, but people here are adamant it's not real love, and I can easily see why, so I'm not going to try and convince anyone

 

Why limit it to just the three of them ? I am sure you have plenty of love for others too - so why not more ?

[Owl]

I never said I thought it would bother me a great deal. I am just able to admit I wouldn't be 100 percent comfortable with it, but could easily learn to adapt. I adapt very well to things.

 

The things I have a hard time getting over are usually when I was successfully lied to, I don't deal with being lied to well. Not to many people could lie to me successfully and if someone did I almost get insulted, ashamed at myself for letting them pull one over on me, that kind if thing. Hard to put into words people would understand. So if I was to put my self in my husbands shoes and be honest, it would be an emotional affair that would be hardest for me to deal with.

 

And yet, you appear to be completely comfortable being the one to successfully lie to others that love you.

 

You can't get over it when someone does it to you...but you're totally fine with doing it to others for years?

 

Non-sequiter.

[hayleym]

I think this is a discussion for the Other Man/ Other Woman forum.

 

Why? I didn't only ask who all was involved in an affair I asked if it had happened to anyone here and if it was suspected before discovered, and if it was seen as a much bigger deal.. That's not only something for other men and women to discuss.

 

I'm not trying to trigger anyone or troll. I think this is something a lot of people have an opinion on.

[hayleym]

If this is real, it is very hard to understand what you are after here ? What is it that you really want to know ? You are having a hideous affair and are quite happy with it and have already justified it to the nth degree. You do not really care if you are found out as you are happy to divorce but prefer the comfort of it being a long term illicit affair (for many reasons). So from other people who have been involved in a similar relationship, you want to know exactly what ? Whether they could justify it like you ? Whether they got caught and how so that you can protect yourself better ? Kind of heartless thread given the forum you have posted on - don't you think ?

 

.. I have not been totally happy throughout this affair there has been lots of ups and downs.

 

I don't think I've justified the affair either?

 

I wouldn't 'be happy' to divorce. That's the last thing I want, I simply said in the case of discovery, I would divorce rather than reconcile .. My husband would be on board with that I believe.

 

I'm here for the discussion.