Double betrayal

[Chi townD]

What you are doing is wrong. I've read post after post of I want this and I want that...you're in a marriage, it's not about YOU anymore.

 

And if you think you're slick and won't get caught, I got news for you. Your husband knows. He may not know exactly what's going on, but he knows you well enough to knows that something is a bit off. You may have thrown him off with making him believe that you need individual counseling, but after a period of time, things still won't add up to him. Something will still feel off. And he'll start looking into things.

 

Hell, he may come on here and ask questions. He may start a thread stating that he thinks his wife is cheating but he's just not sure. I will be the first to tell him how to catch you. You may think you have all your bases covered, but I would be able to teach him ways of catching you that you never even thought of. I'm not saying I'm Yoda, but cheaters always follow along a pattern that makes them extremely predictable. Even with things that they say; they give themselves away.

 

If your husband finds out on his own, it's going to be that much worse for you. So, just keep that in mind.

[Spectre]

Wow, please leave your husband, he deserves to be with someone who actually cares about him. He needs to go be with a woman who knows how to say "no" to other men. You'd think this would be a given with the whole "marriage" thing but apparently not.

[Clay]

As such, I'm at peace with the fact that my ex gave enough room for another man to get close to me, and now he & I are going on two years, so...that's a lesson the ex needs to learn and honestly, I'm far happier than I have ever been before, so.

 

 

Do you have kids? I hope not. Have you considered going to a shrink? I mean seriously. If you seriously can't see an issue with that then you never will.

 

If your boyfriend left you alone you should have dumped him first. Your arrogance clearly shows just what kind of a person you are. You over look this horrible thing you did and say well he deserves it. Some day you will be on the other end of this stick. Its going to suck but hey you deserved it.

 

Clay

[liloldlady]

Your ex should call her himself. Sour grapes or not, if it were me, I'd want to share the betrayal.

 

Who knows what's he's done. He's also the ex of my man's current lady's best friend (so convoluted, I know), but the fact is...he said to me: I should call her up and take that girl to lunch on her job and tell her everything that's been going on!!

 

My ex refuses to speak to me at the moment, but he's had plenty of opportunities to spill the beans (and in fact manipulated me into doing so, his dirty work as far as I'm concerned, before I snapped out of it).

 

The fact remains, my current lover and I are going strong, so any attempts on behalf of my ex to ruin things have either failed, or he's stayed focused on his business -- as he should (since he's got a big project he's working on).

[liloldlady]

You over look this horrible thing you did and say well he deserves it.

 

I did not plan to fall for his homeboy. In fact, I avoided it for obvious reasons, but things happen.

 

Besides, "boyfriend" is not the same as "husband", and since the ex left ME, I've been more than free to love whom I wish. He's acknowledged this, and I gave him a break by saying, yes, honey, I know I'm free to see whomever but not...him! But that's what happened and I'm not sorry.

 

It's the ex's karma, not mine. He's been dogging people out for years. I am an angel of justice.

[Raena]

My ex boyfriend is very hurt by the fact that I "chose to get involved with someone close" to him. However, this person "close to him" pursued me, and if my ex had done his job and been at least a friend to me if impossible to be my man due to our problems, OK. Things would be different. However, his hurt has become anger, so I really need to leave him alone.

 

As such, I'm at peace with the fact that my ex gave enough room for another man to get close to me, and now he & I are going on two years, so...that's a lesson the ex needs to learn and honestly, I'm far happier than I have ever been before, so.

 

 

 

My man is not married, but he & my ex have known each other forever, and my ex made no qualms about letting me know that he considers my man's woman a "friend" (even exploded when I told him about the relationship during our attempted reconciliation that he "will get that girl's number and you will call her and tell her what you've been doing!" ...He changed his mind after a couple of hours.).

 

Are you seriously blaming your ex for why you cheated? He "gave enough room for another man to get close to me". Unbelievable. Wow. How about YOU didn't set your own boundaries and YOU allowed another man into your life.

[Clay]

I did not plan to fall for his homeboy. In fact, I avoided it for obvious reasons, but things happen.

 

Besides, "boyfriend" is not the same as "husband", and since the ex left ME, I've been more than free to love whom I wish. He's acknowledged this, and I gave him a break by saying, yes, honey, I know I'm free to see whomever but not...him! But that's what happened and I'm not sorry.

 

It's the ex's karma, not mine. He's been dogging people out for years. I am an angel of justice.

 

See here is the real disconnect. Its easy to say its his fault because he walked away from you. He may have did that. You are entitled to find love. No one is arguing that point. The moment you started into a committed relationship with him is the moment you said I am with you and only you. If you did not want that then really you should have told him up front. You should have still just ended it with him first. You doing what you did is far worse than what he did to you.

 

The sad thing about this is all you did is show how little you respect yourself as a woman. You should have demanded the respect. You should have just told him you did not deserve what he was doing and if he did not stop and pay attention you were going to end your relationship.

 

You are right you owe no one nothing in this world.

 

I hope someday you stop and take time for yourself and reexamine the kind of person you want to be.

 

Clay

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I feel sick to my stomach reading this thread.

 

I was in your situation.

 

You are heading towards an apocalypse once D-Day hits.....and it will. Tick tock tick tock, it's coming.....

 

You will be obliterated, hated, demonised, slaughtered, ostracised. Not MM, you. He will throw you to the wolves to save his own back.

 

I am warning you.

 

It is an absolute nightmare.

 

Think PTSD, anti-depressants, thoughts of suicide, counselling.....just a little of what you have to look forward to.

 

I cannot describe how bad it is.

 

Please please please end it now.

 

I agree with this 100% because I lived it and it happened EXACTLY as you said - every point - this is why I have been posting on this thread. It makes me I'll because I know what will happen to her. Same as what happened to me.

[URNotAlone]

I just went through this and it was my friend's husband and I that had the A. I can tell you the the pain caused everyone involved was just not worth it. At the time I really wanted him and only cared about the pleasure he brought me and I too loved the attention. I know my friend went into depression as well as myself after D day. I am not sure about my AP but I know that he said the weeks were hard for him. I have lost a long time (32 year) friend from school. I feel ashamed and I will live with what I did for the rest of my life. I would stop now, someone will find out and it will cause pain for everyone involved. I know it's easier said than done.

[compulsivedancer]

Hayley, I came into the thread too late, and have not read everything leading up to it.

 

I was a WS in a double betrayal. My H has said that worse than the A was my choice of partners. I destroyed his 15-year friendship with OM, a friendship that was twice as long as the length of our marriage. He was even more devastated that his friend would do this to him than that I did.

 

I had no idea. I wasn't thinking of him; I was only thinking of me. It's been all kinds of challenging. Even simple things like: our wedding pictures are tainted (OM was our best man).

 

I can tell H missed OM, but they will never reconcile. It's a terrible situation for all concerned.

 

H was getting suspicious for a number of reasons. In retrospect, he should've known, but he trusted us both and couldn't believe we would do that to him.

 

Two major things tipped him off, but there were many little things as well. OM stopped hanging out. He also stopped contacting him. They used to exchange articles and such at least weekly on FB, but after we started the A, OM became nonexistent. At one point, since H knew we still hung out, he lamented that I saw OM more than him.

 

The other thing was, I started to detach from H emotionally.

 

There are bad specific things I did in the affair, disrespectful things, or personal things, but by far, my choice of partner was the absolute worst thing I could've done.

[frogss29]

Stopped reading after page 2.

 

So, glad you are OK with everything.

Wonder how your husband and your best friend would feel about this??????

 

Trust me, it will destroy your children/his children.

Even if he and his wife can cope with it, the children involved won't be so lucky.

 

It would be different if the FOUR of you had decided this is the lifestyle you all wanted but from what I started to read, that isn't the case.

[liloldlady]

Are you seriously blaming your ex for why you cheated?

 

No. I didn't cheat. He left. His friend just happened to start reaching out to me exactly two weeks later, and I'm glad because I really needed a friend.

[liloldlady]

Its easy to say its his fault because he walked away from you. He may have did that. You are entitled to find love. No one is arguing that point.

 

Thank you! And during our most recent (and last for a while, if not forever) convo, it felt so good to tell him that all of this is his fault but who cares because the blame game is a lame game and none of it will change the distance between us, unfortunately.

 

You should have demanded the respect. You should have just told him you did not deserve what he was doing and if he did not stop and pay attention you were going to end your relationship.

 

You can't tell him anything. He's very controlling. It was not possible to talk to him because he said so. Him leaving me was a blessing, and the fact that I am now in love with the last person he and I both ever thought imaginable is ex's karma and truly God's doing. I didn't go after this situation. It happened.

 

You are right you owe no one nothing in this world.

 

Thank you. Ex has a history of complicated situations. I am merely another in the chain of fools, only I got off easy (some he strung along for decades), & the most recent I know of, perhaps the most memorable for him in terms of shock factor and closest to home because it affects his business, his childhood, who he thought is a friend...

 

What kinda man smashes the homie? Doesn't that mean friend doesn't like other friend so much after all? My homegirls' exes are totally off limits and so ew! Platonic bros only, even if they've been broken up for years. If I'm smashing your ex, that's a statement.

 

Oh, tangled web.

[c0nfusedm98]

I am in an affair with a married woman. We both are in love with each other but I don't know her husband at all. And she's leaving him. I could not have sex with a friends spouse-I've had lots of opportunities but I can't do that. That level of emotionally vacancy and compartmentalization is extreme.

 

I can attest to this sort of betrayal, because when I was in my last year of college, I had a girlfriend of more than 15 months, I was going to propose to her . But she ended banging one of my friends. It crushed me. I beat the living ***** outta him then I dumped her, but it killed me emotionally. I think you should re-think this, I can't really judge you obviously, but when your husband finds out he will be crushed and the ramifications could get violent very, very quickly. That's just how many men would react to this sort of thing.

 

I think you are playing with fire here and are gonna get burned.

[peruano99]

Thank you! And during our most recent (and last for a while, if not forever) convo, it felt so good to tell him that all of this is his fault but who cares because the blame game is a lame game and none of it will change the distance between us, unfortunately.

 

 

 

You can't tell him anything. He's very controlling. It was not possible to talk to him because he said so. Him leaving me was a blessing, and the fact that I am now in love with the last person he and I both ever thought imaginable is ex's karma and truly God's doing. I didn't go after this situation. It happened.

 

 

 

Thank you. Ex has a history of complicated situations. I am merely another in the chain of fools, only I got off easy (some he strung along for decades), & the most recent I know of, perhaps the most memorable for him in terms of shock factor and closest to home because it affects his business, his childhood, who he thought is a friend...

 

What kinda man smashes the homie? Doesn't that mean friend doesn't like other friend so much after all? My homegirls' exes are totally off limits and so ew! Platonic bros only, even if they've been broken up for years. If I'm smashing your ex, that's a statement.

 

Oh, tangled web.

 

 

SO you didn't cheat on your ex?

[BHsigh]

OP, you sound like a very intelligent person, your posts are clear, concise and they are put together very well. Which all makes it even more incredulous that you even had to ask this question.

 

I'm going to stick directly to your topic, you already know how most people here feel about what you're doing, you even admitted to knowing how wrong an affair is.

 

Your post title answers your question, a betrayal with someone that your husband thinks of as a friend is indeed a double betrayal. He will not get the option of not knowing the OM, he won't be able to just forget his "friend" when this all blows up. He will think back over the two plus years and wonder how often his "friend", your OM, was laughing at him on the inside while they were hanging out. He will feel like the biggest loser that has ever walked the earth. His trust for all people will forever be damaged, and I do mean all people.

 

My wife's affair was with a friend, luckily I wasn't friends with the POS for years like your husband was, almost a year, but we also had other friends that knew about the affair and never said anything to me.

 

I am a broken mess, I don't want friends, I don't trust people at all anymore. My best friend from this area recently moved halfway across the country, and I rejoiced inside when he did, he is still my best friend, but I don't have to worry anymore about the chance that he may screw me over as well.

 

I no longer strive to meet people, I don't care to. Anyone that I meet that I could possibly be friends with is instantly relegated to the status of aquaintance, that is as far as anyone is allowed to go now, I will not allow anymore crap into my life, and I will refuse "good" people as well as "bad". I quoted good with bad because I no longer believe that there are any good people left in this world. Well, maybe there are a few, but it's not worth the risk anymore.

 

That is how much worse your situation is than an affair with an unknown. Does that answer your question?

Edited December 10, 2013 by BHsigh

[Betrayed&Stayed]

He will think back over the two plus years and wonder how often his "friend", your OM, was laughing at him on the inside while they were hanging out. He will feel like the biggest loser that has ever walked the earth. His trust for all people will forever be damaged, and I do mean all people.

 

x100

 

It will break him in every sense. The OP doesn't have the soul to empathize.

[BHsigh]

x100

 

The OP doesn't have the soul to empathize.

 

So true, and she even said that she will just leave and not even attempt to reconcile if it all comes out, because the discovery would destroy her perfect little world.

 

She has no empathy whatsoever.

[hayleym]

I have empathy. My husband is a happy satisfied man and would tell anyone he knew that I'm a great wife. He is not lacking in our relationship. He does not give me emotional support and he is very old fashioned so there are things I crave and I decided to go after them. But I have not sacrificed anything for him along the way. If he never found out about this he will continue to believe we have a great marriage, and that's despite me telling him again and again I need more. He chooses not to hear my needs, but expects his fulfilled.

 

It's not a justification to cheat. I am aware I could just divorce, but our lives are pretty good, and I don't feel shame for making mine a little better.

[BHsigh]

I have empathy. My husband is a happy satisfied man and would tell anyone he knew that I'm a great wife. He is not lacking in our relationship. He does not give me emotional support and he is very old fashioned so there are things I crave and I decided to go after them. But I have not sacrificed anything for him along the way. If he never found out about this he will continue to believe we have a great marriage, and that's despite me telling him again and again I need more. He chooses not to hear my needs, but expects his fulfilled.

 

It's not a justification to cheat. I am aware I could just divorce, but our lives are pretty good, and I don't feel shame for making mine a little better.

 

Again, you responded better yourself than any of us ever could.

 

Believing that you're happy out of ignorance isn't true happiness.

 

You do have my sympathy for the lack of emotional support, and I believe that everyone else here would agree as well, it's how you're handling this lack of support that is wrong. If you telling him again and again didn't work, then you should have persued MC, or filed for divorce, or sought out a separation to show him that you were serious. Once the emotional support that you needed from him was going the way that you needed you could have stopped the divorce or you could have gotten back together after the separation, just MC alone may have helped to resolve these issues, or even combine them, say a separation along with MC.

 

You had so many options that would have made you a better person and partner, options that would have made your marriage stronger and would have proven that you care and have empathy. Your A only proves that you only care for yourself, and you are willing to do anything to make yourself happy, even at your husbands terrible expense (see my first reply).

 

It's not a justification to cheat. I am aware I could just divorce, but our lives are pretty good, and I don't feel shame for making mine a little better.

 

And again, your last line says everything that any of us need to know about your lack of empathy.

Edited December 10, 2013 by BHsigh

[Sofie2013]

I have empathy. My husband is a happy satisfied man and would tell anyone he knew that I'm a great wife. He is not lacking in our relationship. He does not give me emotional support and he is very old fashioned so there are things I crave and I decided to go after them. But I have not sacrificed anything for him along the way. If he never found out about this he will continue to believe we have a great marriage, and that's despite me telling him again and again I need more. He chooses not to hear my needs, but expects his fulfilled.

 

It's not a justification to cheat. I am aware I could just divorce, but our lives are pretty good, and I don't feel shame for making mine a little better.

 

 

I don’t think you love your husband at all. You just love the life he able to give you and I don’t mean financially. I don’t if it’s the fog since you are deep in an affair but what you are doing to your husband is going to crush him and fact you are doing with his so called friends makes that much worse. I really don’t know what to tell since you don’t seem to care about anyone but yourself. I just know what you’re doing never ends well and will end up hurting yourself and people around you in a big way.

[Clay]

Sofie,

 

I would not waste a breath on this person. Some people are just born this way. Nothing you will ever say will get them to even try to be decent.

 

Clay

[Spark1111]

there is a high incidence of personality disordered amongst APs.

 

Less than 10 percent confess, the majority are discovered accidentally. Someone gets sloppy, somewhere, especially if it is an EA/PA.

 

A WS and a best friend or family member is the worst devastation as it impacts all future relationships, romantic and friendships, for years. There is a feeling that NO ONE can be trusted. very painful, very sad for the BSs in these scenarios.

 

yet, you claim you would immediately move to divorce because you would not have the requisite empathy nor courage to attempt to help your spouse heal from the harm you have caused.

 

makes perfect sense upon reading your posts.

[Betrayed123]

Hayleym,

I could not resist to post on this one as soon as i read your story. I am really sorry to be harsh here but i dont understand what sort of a cheap woman are you? You are betraying your husband for your own selfish desires. Don’t you feel the guilt while making out with another man? On the other hand, the guy you are sleeping with is also a looser like you who keeps cheating on his wife.You really wanted to know about double betrayal? I can relate to this because my ex wife cheated on me with my own cousin and i eventually discovered their affair and the dirty messages they exchanged with details of their bed fun. The moment i came to know i was shocked and devastated. Icouldnt stop crying not because i was weak but the kind of emotional trauma i had to go through and the feeling of my loved ones betraying me just killed mementally. The pain is unbearable and it makes you go through insomnia. My wife begged me to accept her back in my life and i was totally against giving her a chance because " Once a cheater always a cheater" if she really loved me then she wouldnt have done what she did, she made a choice to cheat on me without realizing the disastrous outcome. Women mostly cheat when they don’t care about their husband and would really not matter to them much even if the marriage is called off. Anyway, I have divorced her and its been more than 6 months but I still go through the pain of being betrayed and miss the good moments we shared but no real man would accept a woman who sleeps with other men.

 

I would strongly suggest you to get rid of your selfish desire and think abou tthe things your husband has done for you in the past. Remember such affairs or betrayal never last longer as someday you would be caught and the marriage will be over. Imagine, your husband finds out and then divroces you and at the sametime your lover backs out and cuts all the contact with you? What would you do?You are preparing your self to separate your kids from their father and this is the most pathetic thing a person can do. It is very easy for you to say you maynot wanna reconcile if he finds out. However, let me tell you the day this happens you will lose the most precious thing in your life. No matter how independent and settled you are. You would always miss your husband because somewhere down the line you would just live with regret all your life fot not having him in your life. Life moves on for everyone but causing so much of pain via double betrayal to the person for whom you mean the world is not less than an evil act. Don’t be so cruel and heartless, respect your marriage and be committed as this defines who your are.

Edited December 10, 2013 by Betrayed123

[liloldlady]

SO you didn't cheat on your ex?

 

No way.............