Double betrayal

[hayleym]

Just as a warning: There's no "delete" option when you see them. Most carriers keep the record for at least a year, some up to five years. Even if it isn't connected to his, he'll get access to it and use it as some sort of documented proof once the A comes to light.

 

No record on my online bill of individual texts, and says anyone would need a court order to access that information if they wernt me.

[hayleym]

I don't think anyone is helping but basically informing her there is no 100% proof method of hiding an affair.

 

Which I'm very well aware of, and understand.

[Realist3]

all he has to do is ask for a subpeona during your divorce proceedings and he'll be able to see not only who you texted with, but what the contents of those messages were.

 

I think if they are in a divorce proceeding it is over anyway. The texts won't matter. I have yet to run across a carrier that saves the content of the texts, it is just the numbers/

[Clay]

No this isn't a troll post, this is my life

My name is Hayley, not Harley not that, that matters, but I'm not on any other site with this same or one similar. This is the closest I've got to my real name online actually.

 

 

Well you sure have these people sucked into it. Good Job.

 

Clay

[hayleym]

I think if they are in a divorce proceeding it is over anyway. The texts won't matter. I have yet to run across a carrier that saves the content of the texts, it is just the numbers/

 

Yes I actually just called my provider. They only keep record of the number texted and incoming and outgoing and anyone would need a court order to access those and in my situation.. It's totally explainable for me to be talking to this man even daily, and we don't daily, so seems this isn't a worry for me.

 

The first year would raised a lot of red flags if either spouse knew we sent hundreds to each other daily, but we don't do that anymore.

[whiterabbit46]

I don't know if you meant to, but when I read your original post, you seemed so proud of yourself that you had gotten away with this betrayal. I've read an awful lot of threads on this site and one of the things that has stood out in my mind is that affairs ALWAYS come to light sooner or later. Someone gets careless, or feels so confident that they can't make a mistake that they indeed DO make a mistake, or they forget to delete something, or are discovered in a compromising position when they didn't think anyone could see them. Your husband is going to discover all of this some day. How smug will you feel then when you see how terribly you've destroyed your marriage and broken his heart? So much for "forsaking all others," huh?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Yes I actually just called my provider. They only keep record of the number texted and incoming and outgoing and anyone would need a court order to access those and in my situation.. It's totally explainable for me to be talking to this man even daily, and we don't daily, so seems this isn't a worry for me.

 

The first year would raised a lot of red flags if either spouse knew we sent hundreds to each other daily, but we don't do that anymore.

 

I was able to access all texts through my husband's back up on the computer. He could have done the same - it's all there - in black and white - don't even need the phone company. Also key loggers are great for that.

[Bryanp]

One more time:

 

Do you feel that your husband deserves to be with a spouse who truly loves, respect and does not cheat on him behind his back? If so then you should really divorce him so he can find someone else who would not be doing what you are doing to him. This is not just all about you.

[Sub]

Yes I actually just called my provider. They only keep record of the number texted and incoming and outgoing and anyone would need a court order to access those and in my situation.. It's totally explainable for me to be talking to this man even daily, and we don't daily, so seems this isn't a worry for me.

 

I don't think the texting and communication would be the red flag. If there's any suspicion based on something else, though, it will just serve to heighten it. Plus, that's only on your end. Who knows what he's doing with his texts and messages. People like to save them as reminders, email them to themselves to save in a private folder, etc. You've said before you can't trust anyone, so I'd start to be wary of how well he's covering everything up.

[JustJoe]

Im curious more how people discovered the affairs and if they had been suspected ahead of time. Our isn't in anyone's face, I don't think anyone suspects me and him are especially close although people do think as couple we are swingers, but we are not.

You are in denial, most likely. I was too. I didn't think anyone knew, but I was wrong also. I would bet money that your AP has told somebody, Guys usually do. Plus the risk of accidental discovery is huge and you may not even be aware of it. An example: My MW and I were going out of town to a movie, and I stopped to get gas and we were seen by a person who knew my MW by sight, knew she was married, and knew I was not her husband, but had not been introduced to my MW, this person told another, who told another, etc. I have to laugh at those posters who are SO SURE that their secret is still secret. I'm betting that in at least 80 or more %, somebody else knows.

[JustJoe]

This is especially true in small social groups or in a small town or suburb. Body language alone can be a dead giveaway.

[MissBee]

In the thread on personal boundaries, I forgot to put this:

 

Yep if my spouse cheated on me with someone I considered a friend and both of them kept this up, I COULD NOT get past it and I would have to cut both of them off frankly. I think that is one of the lowest lows. I would prefer the A be with someone who is a stranger to me than for it to involve two people I know very well and who supposedly care for me and whom I have been confiding in, being hospitable to, supporting etc meanwhile they're both stabbing me in the back and playing me for a fool. I COULD NOT forgive that and I have no clue how I'd react to such a thing except to say that I would fly off the handle ---- which is putting it mildly.

[HopingAgain]

I've read through the post, and since you have no desire or intention to change, I will just say that people like you are EXACTLY why I keep my friendships and marriage conpletely seperate. Nothing like being stabbed in the back by 2 people who claim to love you to teach you a valuable life lesson.

 

Take note people...this type of thing happens more often than you would think, be aware! Sorry to be a downer but threads like this firmly reinforce my cynicism.

[ian1966]

Not meaning to aid you in covering up, but on most smartphones deleted text messages can be recovered.

 

What is the relationship like between the OM and his wife? Remember its not just you covering up, its the OM as well. The weakest link in your perfect little chain will break. I know, I was a WS that didn't cover up as much as my MOW and was caught, which outed her also.

 

I truly feel great empathy for the OM's W. At least your H has a clue, with your talk about open marriages and such. You will fall, lady, guaranteed, and it will happen in a way you least suspect.

 

At least your HPD / Sociopathic tendencies will protect you as you can simply divorce without even considering the long, hard work of R.

 

I simply cant read any more of this thread.

[secretlady76]

I feel sick to my stomach reading this thread.

 

I was in your situation.

 

You are heading towards an apocalypse once D-Day hits.....and it will. Tick tock tick tock, it's coming.....

 

You will be obliterated, hated, demonised, slaughtered, ostracised. Not MM, you. He will throw you to the wolves to save his own back.

 

I am warning you.

 

It is an absolute nightmare.

 

Think PTSD, anti-depressants, thoughts of suicide, counselling.....just a little of what you have to look forward to.

 

I cannot describe how bad it is.

 

Please please please end it now.

[Clay]

I feel sick to my stomach reading this thread.

 

I was in your situation.

 

You are heading towards an apocalypse once D-Day hits.....and it will. Tick tock tick tock, it's coming.....

 

You will be obliterated, hated, demonised, slaughtered, ostracised. Not MM, you. He will throw you to the wolves to save his own back.

 

I am warning you.

 

It is an absolute nightmare.

 

Think PTSD, anti-depressants, thoughts of suicide, counselling.....just a little of what you have to look forward to.

 

I cannot describe how bad it is.

 

Please please please end it now.

 

 

Were you the cheater ?

 

Clay

[secretlady76]

Were you the cheater ?

 

Clay

 

Yes and EVERYONE suffered....even people you don't even think would be impacted by it was. Total disaster.

[Clay]

Yes and EVERYONE suffered....even people you don't even think would be impacted by it was. Total disaster.

 

Mind if I PM you? I have a few questions and I dont want to hijack the thread.

 

Clay

[secretlady76]

Of course. Hopefully I can help you a little.

[painfullyobvious]

Affairs like yours are double betrayals. Its one thing to be cheated on by a person you do not really know. Quite another when its a family member or close friend. You trust close family and friends and when they lie and betray you, you are hurt. Its more difficult when it involves an intimate relationship. A WS or boyfriend/girlfriend that cheats with their partners close friend will cause the betrayed person to mourn two relationship; the loss of a friendship and the fallout with their partner from cheating scenario. In many cases they could turn to a close friend for venting or disclosing the relationship dynamics but when that close friend is involved they will turn elsewhere. This sucks for the one betrayed. It is not like well if s/he is mourning a loss of relationship any more hurt does not matter. There is no cap on the distress or pain meter that as long as he got screwed over by one person further problems will not be as bad. This is not how it works.

 

 

No offense but this question is kind of disturbing. If you had a close family member that died one day and other one die the next day would you say to yourself well I am already hurting thank goodness they died close together so I can address all the pain in one giant swoop.

[twosadthings]

Do the work necessary to change your personality issues, stop cheating and you'll sleep better.

 

Just sayin',

 

Twosadthings

[liloldlady]

 

I have been in an active physical and emotional affair with my friends husband for two years

 

My ex boyfriend is very hurt by the fact that I "chose to get involved with someone close" to him. However, this person "close to him" pursued me, and if my ex had done his job and been at least a friend to me if impossible to be my man due to our problems, OK. Things would be different. However, his hurt has become anger, so I really need to leave him alone.

 

As such, I'm at peace with the fact that my ex gave enough room for another man to get close to me, and now he & I are going on two years, so...that's a lesson the ex needs to learn and honestly, I'm far happier than I have ever been before, so.

 

Was your affair a double betrayal?

 

My man is not married, but he & my ex have known each other forever, and my ex made no qualms about letting me know that he considers my man's woman a "friend" (even exploded when I told him about the relationship during our attempted reconciliation that he "will get that girl's number and you will call her and tell her what you've been doing!" ...He changed his mind after a couple of hours.).

[liloldlady]

I'd be in an open marriage if my husband would agree to it.

 

I feel bad for my boyfriend, because he's always wanted a menage trois, and at his age and his level of success, plus the fact that he's had 2 girlfriends for 2 years, now...this should be a no-brainer, but...

 

I've stated before him having an emotional affair would be harder for me to come to terms with, a sexual affair, I would be upset about the lies of there was any, but not so much the act of sex.

 

I agree. Cheating hurts not because of sex, but because of the lie.

[liloldlady]

Im curious more how people discovered the affairs and if they had been suspected ahead of time. Our isn't in anyone's face, I don't think anyone suspects me and him are especially close

 

...he said to me long ago: just because we think we're getting away with something doesn't mean that we are. Crucial people have been informed about it. So recently I said to him: "we're an open secret by now", and he did not disagree.

 

So discovery can also mean acceptance I guess.

[whiterabbit46]

Your ex should call her himself. Sour grapes or not, if it were me, I'd want to share the betrayal.