debs Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 My brain is screaming right now about why people chose to beat themselves up after a breakup and try in vain to keep contact! It hurts you more, you go through it all over again! So why? torture yourself and break no contact????? Why look pathetic and lost, why give them the satisfaction???? your miserable??? I practice it, sure it sucks, sure it hurts but I know it is best for all concerned! Yes it is weird not hearing from someone who was a constant but time to move on!!! It is hard on me but I do it? It hurt not hearing from him for Christmas nor New Years! It hurts plain and simple but I have to do it! Please LS broken hearted! Let them go , practice no contact! My heart does go out to each of you and Yes it hurts to the depth of my soul as it does yours! But let them go!!! Be strong or pretend you are!!! Show them you are a bigger person and do not need them or want them even as friends in the beginning of a break-up! Later down the road if friendship can be achieved then yes stay in touch! But when all these grief process emotions are really at a high, NO CONTACT!!! I am not that strong when it comes to my ex but I have to be for my own sanity!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 I still talk to her. You stopped contact. We're both miserable. Where's the argument for NC? Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 i can see that no contact works for those who are finished with the relationship, that want to move on with their lives and that can see no reconciliation. i can see that no contact works for those who dont even wish to establish any form of friendship at any point in the future. what i cannot see is why anyone would want to completely block out someone that they still harbour feelings for. or why they would block out someone that has the potential to become a great friend further down the track. therefore, i propose a new concept............ MINIMAL CONTACT. minimal contact or MC, as i am sure it will become known, is different to no contact in the following ways...... 1) it is for those who wish to establish or retain some kind of relationship with their former partner, either friendship or a reconciliation 2) it is for those people that may be hurting as much anyone else, but can still manage to be composed enough to hold a civil conversation, when required. 3) it is for those who cannot seem to be able to/nor want to let go completely of someone that they shared aNY amount of their life with. now i understand that this may bug some people, and that i will get replies probably saying "they dumped you why would you wanna hold on".........so i will add.... minimal contact is not an excuse to stalk people, nor is it an excuse to completely degrade yourself by begging them to come back. instead minimal contact is a way of accepting that it is not wrong to return a text/phone call/email when you get one first. that it is not wrong to be there in the event that this person that you share so many memories with, needs you. so there you go, no more NO CONTACT posts, go ahead and enjoy MINIMAL CONTACT. Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 excellent post _Saffy_ nice to see you again dyermaker... nice avatar btw yes in certain situations no contact is the best thing eg. dumper falls out of love and dumpee is devasted it is crazy to uniformly apply it everywhere and minimal contact may be more appropriate in my current situation i think no contact would be crazy BUT then again it may not be! who knows? Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong excellent post _Saffy_ nice to see you again dyermaker... nice avatar btw yes in certain situations no contact is the best thing eg. dumper falls out of love and dumpee is devasted it is crazy to uniformly apply it everywhere and minimal contact may be more appropriate in my current situation i think no contact would be crazy BUT then again it may not be! who knows? yes, i feel i may get this patented........and both you and dyermaker have nice avatars, id happily date either one of them if they are available Link to post Share on other sites
GreenCap Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 I remained unconvinced whether contact or no contact/minimal contact remains the answer. It all depends on the circumstances of the breakup, as indicated, and how each party wants to handle the situation. All discussion seems to stem from the dumpees point of view either in hopes of reconciling or wanting to remain friends. I for one continued with contact as I wanted to get her to calm down and think about what happened and perhaps rekindle the romance. Obviously to no avail for I would not have come on to LS. So if the dumper does not want any contact with the dumpee, contact or minimal contact isn't the answer. It would have to be a clean break! If the dumper wants contact, then as the dumpee, it behooves them (me) to establish want they (I) want out of the contact. Childish as it seems, I do not see my ex as a friend (for we were friends first before establishing a relationship) anymore for I can not revert back to what it was prior to our romance. Also, don;t want to live in the past. I have stopped contacting her coz I know every time I call her, she gets more agitated than before and I feel worse off after. Anyway, she has moved on with another and I have to make the graceful exit from her life. For it appears she gracefully gained comfort in the arms of another :-( Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 yes _Saffy_ and we are brilliant guitar players although i am better than dyermaker! Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 yes _Saffy_ and we are brilliant guitar players although i am better than dyermaker! <puts down her fender acoustic in order to reply..........> define........"good" .......... Link to post Share on other sites
TranslucentThoughts Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 About NC... or minimal... what if you and your ex slept together? Do you not contact them now... or.... what? I know he doesn't want to get back together... and really, neither do I at this point. I just don't know what to do from here. Link to post Share on other sites
phi_one_zero Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 The issue isn't whether one option (contact, minimal contact or no contact) is better than the others, each has its place and each can be appropriate or inappropriate depending on the circumstances. The issue is that both parties must agree on which level of contact to maintain (or not), and if they don't, then the wishes of the one who wants the lesser amount of contact must be respected. Levels of allowed contact can be changed at any time if both parties agree, but such a change can only be initiated by the party that wanted the lesser amount of contact originally. The other must maintain the requested space until told otherwise. One of my fundamental character flaws is that I tend to be coldly analytical when it comes to interpersonal relations. Does it show? Link to post Share on other sites
azzer2000 Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 I think im guna try MC! NC is kindda gettin me no where Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 Originally posted by azzer2000 I think im guna try MC! NC is kindda gettin me no where yay! success Link to post Share on other sites
Author debs Posted January 3, 2005 Author Share Posted January 3, 2005 I agree it is a personal choice of what works with which relationship but seriously if children are not ivovlved I still it as pointless and more detrementail to us who chose to keep in contact. Yes I do agree down the line maybe but when the pain and hurt is there, we do some pretty loopey things when talking to ex's. Wishful thinking when they have moved on with someone is just plain self distructive! Sorry but I know this to be true I have experienced it and it is just best for me to do the NC thing! Those who feel they must keep contact I hope sometime down the line you can to reach this point! Link to post Share on other sites
aFighter Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 My ex has tried to get in contact with me a few times since we split, I'm not gonna repat the whole case but some of you know what she did. Anyway, I've told her then and I will tell her in the future to stuff it. She's finished with me & it's better that way. Salt and wounds don't mix. Link to post Share on other sites
Urban Rubble01 Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Well, in my case we're "on a break" (and believe me, I know it's cliche and doesn't usually work). Anyway, I'm doing a limited contact thing and it's working fine. The thing is, with my situation it's up in the air, so I know myself well enough to know that I won't have any kind of peace until I know for sure what's going to happen. Calling her and occasionally hanging out with her makes me feel better because she seems to still genuinely love me. I know that's dangerous because it might not work in the end, oh well. If your ex has told you it's over, move on, don't call, if you want to be friends wait until you don't love her anymore. If you guys are up in the air and you think it legitimately has a chance, I see no reason to drop out completely, in fact, I think that can mess things up. Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 I agree with you Debs and Afighter, if you are adamant that you dont want any contact whatsoever then it is the best option for you both, but there are a lot of people on here that are hopeful about their relationships, that have spent so much time building memories with a person, and for whatever reason, they dont want to lose them completely. Telling these people to start NO contact when they actually do want contact is not going to work, and the adverse effect of this is that when they do cave and make contact or respond to contact made, they feel like they have failed. Instead, its a lot more beneficial to feel that they can respond to contact, and even contact the other party themselves further on down the road. It isnt written in black and white, most areas are extremely grey, and almost every relationship is different, the people involved are different, and the break up was different, ergo the way people get over it is also going to vary from situation to situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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