Commitment Phobics.....Heartache and Chaos

[BC1980]

Indecision About You Isn?t Sexy Or Acceptable | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

Read this post. I love this website, and it has given me invaluable advice on relationships. It really gave me the strength to let go of my waffling ex and realize that I deserve better.

[SerCay]

Dear OP,

 

First of all, don't believe other posters when they say CP is not real. It sure as hell is real. But you have to live it to believe it. Hence, people that don't go through things you've been through, will not understand.

 

I mean absolutely no disrespect towards other posters, it's just that I have been through the same, and I have been in contact with many other women who have been with similar CP guys like you and I have. Their families, therapists and surroundings KNOW what they're like. For my ex they did.

 

Someone is not going to stick around you for 3 years and do all the things he has done for you because he ''doesnt love you or doesnt want to be with you''. That is plain nonsense. You know it, dont believe others. You may have been in a bad relationship with a CP that hurt you a lot, if you were sure of his love, you were sure of his love period. However sick his love may have been, it was real. Its just not the type of love a healthy committing person can deal with.

 

Commitmentphobia is indeed a thing.

 

However, this man does not sound like a commitmentphobe at all.

 

Those suckers up and RUN. They don't linger and MISS anyone. The very idea of getting close enough to anyone to actually MISS them causes them irrational anxiety and fear.

 

See, commitmentphobes don't waffle. It's not just about "commitment"...it's the idea of surrendering their independence, even without any form of official commitment, that terrifies them.

 

I cannot tell you how untrue this is.

 

My ex misses me every day, more than I do him, and he's on anxiety stoppers and anti depressants since I left him. But he just cant commit. It gives him anxiety being apart, but gets even more anxiety when we're together.

 

You can see it as theyre constantly living in a catch 22 with themselves.

Oh and hey, these are not things I'm making up, these are things my ex told me himself, and other cp's that Ive met to clearify my situation for myself.

 

Because just as you have right now, there were also a lot of people telling me that ''he was jus not that into me''.

 

Cp's come in shapes and forms. Not every person is the same and not every mental condition manifests itself the same way in each person.

 

In fact, my ex still tells me that I'm the only woman he sees a future with for himself, the only person he sees himself having children with. Even though we've broken up, can you imagine?

 

BUT he just can't do it. When he tries to live with me, he wakes up short of breath, he break out in sweats and he gets terrible head aches...purely because of his mental fears. These are just minor examples. Yes, because of his CP.

 

 

 

rosedl, I was just like you. Trust me. Probably worse. I thought I had a commitment phobic man. I read every article about it and I was convinced everyone else was WRONG, I KNEW I could fix him!! Oh boy was I wrong.

 

Thing about the popular title of "commitment phobe", it's just a title to make ourselves feel better about loving someone who can't love us back. This guy may "love you and care for you", but not enough to sustain a healthy relationship. There is nothing you can do to change him. I'm sorry.

 

There is no such thing as a commitment phobe. If anything, they just don't want to commit to YOU. I'm sorry. It took me a LONG time to realize that too, but when you do (and you will in your own time), things will be a lot easier. There are no patterns or hidden signs. It's all a hoax. They will love someone else and give them exactly what you were looking for, it just won't be you. I know that hurts, but we have to face reality in order to move on. I know I had to. It doesn't make you a bad person, love just makes you a little off balance sometimes. We're here to help you balance out.

 

This is not true BYCS...Maybe the guy you were with was this way, but there are some of them who truly cannot commit. Who have never been able to be in a long committed relationship etc. Read above...

 

OP, feel free to PM me if you feel the need. I can help you and guide you getting through this. The emotional rollercoaster a CP puts his or her partner through by pedestalling and then breaking down, pushing pulling, onning offing all the time makes it harder for you to get over a break up. It becomes some sort of an addiction. He puts you down, then comes back, you get your fix, then he puts you down again, etc etc see the cycle?

 

One more thing...If this man does not acknowledge his CP, and is not willing to work on it together with you or with a T, you have to leave. Dont stick around cause it gets worse. You get to love him more, have more shared experiences with him, and his fears will only get worse. The cycle will happen much faster each time, until you reach a point where you dont know how the next day is gonna be, on or off this time... You will end up depressed and losing friends etc..as many others mentioned...you cannot change him, he needs to change himself.

 

Sorry bit long, I just dont want anyone to remain in the situation that I was in, it drives a person crazy.

 

Ps. Read my old threats, you will know what I mean.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Sercay, I'm very glad you posted here. And here is the thing, I lied when I said I don't believe in CP. I do believe and I know they exist. My ex was a perfect example, he even told me he is afraid of commitment. He told me he knows he will regret his decision. When we talk about anything to do with commitment he gets anxiety and he gets scared and closes off. He had all the classic signs of CP. Sure, it does exist. Although, the OP's situation is kind of different, but like you said they come in all sizes and shapes. If anything, I know a CP better than anyone on this forum. How? Because I am also one. Since being with my own CP, I have in turn developed his fears/anxieties.

 

But what I was trying to tell the OP, because the partner of the CP clings to hope, is that you have to let go of them. You can't change him. This little post you just presented here probably just gave her hope because he know has a diagnosis. Once you have a diagnosis, you start to treat that person and help them. I don't mean for that to sound rude by the way. But when I posted on here before about my CP problems, I glued to any hope that was given to me and ignored all other beneficial advice. Trust me, I had a plethora of advice given.

 

I would love to talk to you more about this in private. Do you mind emailing me? [email protected]

[rosedl]

Sercay....

 

Thank you!

 

What a great reply.

 

Yesterday, he wrote me a letter. He regressed even further then the taking space, it was back to weighing the advantages of being single over intimacy. He told me that 'certain freedoms' win out over intimacy because he can't see giving them up without being true to himself. He basically gave me a laundry list of priorities for him....time alone, time with his grown daughter, time at his farm, time on business trips, time to go on days and weeks long mountain climbs and bike tours. I was shocked...shocked I tell (rolls eyes and dripping sarcasm) that I was not on the list.

 

Then, he said it was my REACTIONS that were killing our chances of being together when I wrote back that I was not going to pretend that we were in a committed relationship while he goes off for the next few months to take space and doesn't know if he ever wants to be in a committed relationship in his life. He tells me that we just have different ideas of what relationships are....

You see, he needs LOTS of time alone and if I can learn to be alone with him. He wants to pursue a lot of extreme exercise and he will need lots of time with that...unless I want to become a semi-professional athlete, of course.

 

He tells me that I am the one responsible for his behavior and questioning the relationship because I have had the gall to experience insecurity issues and express emotion around them. Owning my behavior does not take away that damage, so he told me. It doesn't matter that it was fifteen minutes. It undoes EVERYTHING.

 

He is a control freak. I took his ultimate trump card out of his hand and told him to just leave and not be with me. He didn't know quite what to do with that....since I think he realized I would just be really gone (its true, if he left again, I would have just totally left). So, he reverted to more space and more and more vacillating around commitment versus intimacy.

 

He is so horrible in this stage....just as horrible as he is wonderful when he swings the other way.

 

I told him that I was done advocating and arguing out this relationship, I would not contact him anymore, and I had no intention of ever moving towards him again. I told him that it was his turn to be vulnerable, I wasn't going to contact him anymore, and I was not going to pretend I was in a committed relationship with him when he broke up with me with the option of reconciliation.

 

This clearly is not working. He told our therapist that he didn't want a relationship.....when she asked him what he was doing there (it was a couple's therapy appointment)....he tried to backtrack and say....well, I did just say that, didn't I....then he went on to talk about not believing in relationships but alliances.

 

He has never moved towards me. I was initiated everything to our first kiss to our reconciliation.

 

My desire to move towards him again isn't there. He has been showing me the ugly part of him for two months and if he does come back, it wouldn't be for months. I am starting to see I don't want him back. I am losing respect for him and I am starting not to like him. It is coming on stronger by the second. I don't feel sad, angry and a little hurt.

 

I don't want to hate him. He is clearly messed up in some ways.

 

He admits he is hard, cold, unforgiving when I do something that he views as a huge breach of trust (that can mean calling him on his own words and backtracking). He hates being held accountable. It is SO perfect that he views my reactions and not his ACTIONS as the core of our struggle.

 

Maybe I am just the wrong woman for him, he says he is just starting to get over his chest pain with our recent space.

 

All of this sounds like a bad sitcom on Comedy Central.

 

I am actually laughing about it.

 

I am glad he is being so stubborn and awful. It makes it easier.

[rosedl]

I wrote on here about my situation, yesterday.

 

Long story short. He's a commitment phobe, he periodically freaks and then takes space and then adores me....shampoo, rinse, repeat....

 

I have been through a lot of heartache, but I guess since I have been through this cycle three times in the past year, I am finally starting to become numb to it and divest myself. Finally, it is getting to the point where I am not wanting to stay. Before this time, I always thought we could work.

 

In my defense, this guy is a dream partner when he does come back, generous, supportive, helpful, passionate.....But, the down times are becoming more frequent and fights around commitment are killing all the other stuff. I am starting not to like him and as he drops the Prince Charming act, the ugly side shows a person I don't want to be with...

 

I have been through two really hard break ups before this relationship. This will be the third (I'm 42).

 

I have to say, it hasn't been easy but I don't hold the grief and the angst the same way I did before. Now that I realize this is not a viable relationship, it has made all the difference. I think it is most difficult when you believe it could still work....it is a mistake....

 

I don't believe that about us anymore. I used to think if I just tried and tried and tried, it could work. But, if he doesn't want it and he isn't sure that he even wants to be here....What's the point?

 

So much of our angst about breakups come through fears. I still hold some fears, but they don't rule. I don't really believe I can't meet someone else who is healthier and a better fit. I don't really think I am too old to meet a compatible man. I can get dates, god, I get hit on by younger men a lot.

 

Anyone who is going through a break up, no matter how awful, it does get better, you do get stronger, and yes, you can and WILL love again.

 

I have done it. Again....and again.....

 

Maybe next time will be my happily ever after....maybe there will be no happily ever after. Either way, I will be fine. So, will you!!!!

[whichwayisup]

Forgive yourself for allowing this to go on and on and on...Forgive him for your own sanity and peace of mind. It'll help you with closure.

 

He is messed up and has many issues, all of which have nothing to do with you. Good riddance, wish him well and move on with your life, don't look back.

[rosedl]

whichwayisup....

 

I am a pretty forgiving person (sometimes to my detriment). I am not really angry at myself, I have already carried all the blame and vulnerability for this insane relationship, I am ready to put that down.

 

I am angry at him. Mainly because he is has the gall to make me responsible for his actions and yet demands that I am 100% accountable and responsible for mine. He acts as if his cruel pushing away and constant questioning is my fault instead of seeing it as the life long pattern of control he has exerted over women his entire life. Zero forgiveness zone. I have reacted emotionally sometimes when he is not really doing anything, immediately owned it, and he then uses this as an excuse to pull out of the relationship again. Given the fact of the instability he has created with his side, you think he could have some compassion. Nope. OFF WITH HER HEAD!

 

I am not angry at him for not wanting or being incapable of being in the relationship in a real way. I am angry that he feels entitled to blame me for his cruelty. It is abusive. I am going to allow myself to just feel it (not hold it) and allow myself to let it go. It is something to be angry about and I have never been great at allowing myself to be angry, rather I turn it inward and it turns into crippling depression. Not going to own his actions.

 

I know it is because he doesn't hold compassion for himself in this place, so how can he possibly show it to someone else. He has devalued intimacy and connection because he can't maintain it because of his fear. Like a four year old, you take a toy away from....I don't need it anyway. Only he does need intimacy and instead of doing his own work to be able to tolerate feeling vulnerability, he tries to manage the relationship and me and when I have the audacity to go outside of his control or hold him to account, he bolts again and again.

 

I know I can't stay with him or keep engaging in this crazy dynamic. He is a crumb. A great big one, too.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Off-and-On relationships are just like a light switch. When you turn it on, there is light. When you turn it off, you're in the dark. Just like in a relationship, when you're 'on' you're together. And when you're 'off,' you're broken up. In relationships, it is normal for people to date for some time, break up, then get back together and start over again. But with off-and-on relationships this cycle is relentless and can go on for many years whereby the people in these relationships continually break up and reconcile like a repeated broken record. Some think it's a recipe for relationship road kill, and others think that it's a recipe for true love. So which one is it?

 

What is good and bad about off-and-on relationships? Is it the sex? Is it the security blanket that everyone needs? Is it because you really do love each other and can't stop arguing? Here are three pros and three cons about off-and-on relationships.

 

Off-and-On Pro #1: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

 

Love is blind and, usually, when people stay in an off-and-on relationship it's because they actually love that person. It sounds cliché, but they say love is all you need, so couples who date off-and-on feel as if their love is strong and that love can really conquer all. It's usually one of the main reasons why people get back together after they break up, I've heard it from others and I've experienced it myself. When I was in an off-and-on relationship with a man for almost seven years, I took him back each and every time because, at that time, I loved him. Now that it's completely over, all I can say is that I was very blind to think that an on-and-off relationship was love. Love isn't blind, it's usually the person just tolerating their partner's misbehavior and using love as a reason to get back into an off-and-on relationship. Also it's fair to say, that both parties can be fickle about love and, hence, why they get back together after they break up.

 

Off-and-On Pro #2: Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

 

A lot of times why off-and-on couples get back together is because they lived life without that other person. One of the main reasons why people break up is because someone usually feels like they want to experience things on their own, usually one feels suffocated or unhappy with how things have been turning out in the relationship. Whether it is related to dating other people or just living their own separate lives, off-and-on couples experience this kind of 'after-the-break-up' stage and after some time, it hits them that they belong together. A lot of men in off-and-on relationships want to date other women, so they usually act badly towards their girlfriend, and usually, they argue, and a man is set home free when the woman breaks up with him for his bad attitude and behavior. Then the man goes out with other women to feed that need he has and, after some time, he crawls back to his off-and-on girlfriend and tells her that he realizes how important she was to him while they were apart, and usually, the woman takes him back and they just went from 'off' to 'on' in 60 seconds.

 

The same goes for women, a woman will back away from her off-and-on boyfriend when she senses that he wants too much from her. If she feels the itch to be single and go out with her single friends and date other guys, she too, will start to shy away from her off-and-on boyfriend. Her reason will be; that she needs space from the relationship (men pull this excuse as well)

 

I know some really forgiving men who, in my opinion, get trampled on from women who deliberately break up with them and do the whole on-and-off dating thing with them for many years. When I ask these men why do they take back their off-and-on girlfriends they tell me it's because she told him that when she was alone and apart from him for a long time, she realized how much she needed him in her life. So does absence really make the heart grow fonder in an off-and-on relationship? Or is it more about security and convenience?

 

Off-and-On Pro #3: Security over Singlehood

 

In some strange way, most people in off-and-on relationships would rather stay in this kind of relationship rather than live the singlehood life exclusively. Singlehood is the life of a bachelor or bachelorette, and even though a lot of people who are in off-and-on relationships are single people, the feeling of security is evident in an off-and-on relationship.

 

Imagine: you can screw up as many times as you want, you can cheat, you can see whoever you want and live a life filled with indiscretions, but in the back of your mind, you know that no matter what you do, this one person will take you back no matter what. Security is one of the main reasons that continually flame off-and-on relationships. Knowing someone will take you back no matter what you do, works as some kind of security blanket for someone in an off-and-on relationship. Those of us who are for off-and-on relationships, think that getting back with an off-and-on partner is a sign of unconditional love or tolerance of that person's behavior, and those people who think that off-and-on relationships is a recipe for dating disaster think that it's masochistic to go back to someone who treated you badly before. They don't think of it is as security, they think that going back to an off-and-on relationship is setting yourself up to getting hurt over and over again. Overall, off-and-on relationships, healthy or not, does present itself with a type of security, in which, the couple knows that no matter what the pit falls, they will both be there to pick each other up and get back together and try to pick up the pieces from where they left off.

 

Off-and-On Con #1: Off-and-On Couples are Commitment Phobic

 

Along with love and respect, commitment along with trust is two major ingredients that need for a relationship to work. So when someone falls in and out of commitment in a relationship, an off-and-on relationship happens. People who stay in off-and-on relationships think that it's normal to become afraid of commitment. Sometimes in life, it's hard to commit to anything, including a job, school, or even to a hobby. So when people start to question their commitment in a relationship, it means they are unsure if they want to, fully, commit themselves, and, sadly, a lot of people just don't want the responsibility. Most people want to have fun and sex, but are not ready to face the harsh realities in a committed relationship. Therefore, this is why many off-and-on couples stay together: they love being with each other, they love each other, but they just don't want to fully commitment themselves because of their own insecurities.

 

Also, people who stay in off-and-on relationships do not want anything serious and want to keep their options open, just in case, someone better comes along. So in the meantime, an off-and-on relationship fits their tastes because they aren't ready to commit to anyone anyway.

 

Off-and-On Con #2: Off-and-On Instability

 

People who have told me that they think that off-and-on relationships are unstable are correct in some way. A relationship is supposed to be stable, so in an off-and-on relationship that person floats in and out of your life, how stable can that really be? It isn't, again, to be in an off-and-on relationship, it takes strength, and it isn't for everyone. Usually, it is for a person who can handle things on their own, because a lot of time when you're in an off-and-on relationship the path is always rocky, so a lot of people argue that it is a relationship that leads to an emotional roller coaster and, eventually, an emotional breakdown. This kind of instability - becoming emotionally drained - from an off-and-on relationship is probably one of the biggest pitfalls in this kind of relationship, only the strong can handle it. For most people who had been in an off-and-on relationship for many years (5 - 10 years) say that that was the downfall, in the end they felt emotionally drained and the relationship didn't go any where for that whole time.

 

Off and On Con #3: An Off-and-On Relationship is Based on Convenience

 

When someone stays in an off-and-on relationship, the border between respect and convenience starts to slim down. For example, the longer a woman stays in an off-and-on relationship, the more the man will lose respect for her and see the woman as someone he can deal with only when he wants to (when he has no one else to talk to, hang out with, have sex with, etc). When this happens, the relationship is now based on convenience for the man. He only wants you when he feels the need to have you back into his life. The same reason goes for women who treat their off-and-on boyfriend the same, are you really 'on' again because you feel that there is something strong to keep you together? Or is it a relationship based on convenience? You have to ask yourself, do you only want that person when you feel that you can allow them back into your life, at your own time?

 

If so, an off-and-on relationship is more about convenience, rather than the fickleness of love or commitment. Even if you do care about each other, sometimes the convenience of getting back together because you both know that you have done it before, is not enough, to keep this kind of relationship going.

 

All in all, off-and-on relationships are normal, they are a kind of 'alternative' form of relationship that tests the boundaries of love, tolerance, and commitment. If they do work out, into a lasting marriage, then it shows that the light switch can remain on.

 

But if they don't work out, it's because the both of you choose to keep the light switch off

[rosedl]

If both people are into this kind of thing, whatever floats your boat....

 

It has been so disorienting to have my ex talk about future plans and let's be together forever....wait, wait....you you got upset, you were too emotional....now I need another three months to weigh out my options...I have choices you know....When I told him that I was compromising with him to make the relationship work, I asked him to tell me his compromise....'Being in the relationship'....was his answer. Being with me is a compromise?????

 

He is so weird. Yesterday, he emailed me about the results of his fathers' autopsy report because they found out the disease he had the doctors couldn't figure out. What? I don't even get it. He won't see or talk to me, but I need to know this? Yeah, I was there for him during the death, illness, funeral for two months straight.....Unlike him being there for me. Now, he needs lots of recreation.

 

He likes the on and off again. I think he thinks its exciting in some way. A reset of sorts. I thought our last reconciliation (and it was really my first time with this, so I didn't know it was just the UP in the cycle), it was great but because I thought it was real and a start of our new life.

 

I am bored with this cycle, don't trust him, and it has caused me to lose respect for him and not know which part is real and which part is a game. He owns things, then backtracks.

 

I have been in more outwardly abusive relationships (emotional and verbal) and actually it was easier to see to leave because it wasn't this romance novel phase where he was the dream partner.

[rosedl]

Oh, and Blessyourcottonsox

 

I have left guys before. I have less and less patience for this type of thing. And, I can leave this one. It is understandable why you would think I want to cling to any hope offered, but my purpose here was to get perspective. I see what is going on, I have have become less vested (I am not going to pretend I am completely divested because I got really attached, but it doesn't mean I have to act from that place).

 

I see what is happening and I don't want to play anymore. I didn't realize I was playing, I really took serious our reconciliation. He said he choose me. He said this was what he wanted. And, given that our relationship was only a year old, it didn't seem totally off the charts that he could be in a figuring out stage. It is clear that this transcends the normal apprehensions of making big, life changing commitments. The more he talks, the more he wants to be single, have freedom, not to have to account for large absences of time and disallow any emotional reaction I might have to these large breaks.

 

I know this is not how I want to spend my life. Dealing his Lance Armstrong sized ego (semi-pro cyclist and skier) and arrogance that comes with being a highly successful handsome white male. Yuck