What to do about the man I still love.

[JD]

This is sort of like Rachel's message. I was with a guy for nine months and he decided that we should see other people. I think I scared him by telling him how I felt at six months. I don't think he was prepared for that and he told me at that point that maybe we should see other people but a day later he changed his mind.

 

He is 29 and I am 31. We met at a mutual friend's party last March and he asked me out shortly after that. He was totally into the relationship in the beginning. He was calling me 5-7 times a week and we were seeing each other almost as often. We never fought or argued and we always had fun together. That is what confuses me the most. Right before Christmas he told me for the second time that he thinks we should see other people. The night that he told me this, he said that he enjoys being with me, we have fun together but he doesn't think he has the feelings for me that he should have at this time. I asked him how he thinks he should feel and he said he didn't know but he thinks he should have stronger feelings. I was hurt but what could I do...I can't force him to date me. The funny part is that he still calls me and we still go out at least once a week and do things. I don't know if I am holding on to false hopes but I figured that I would back off and give him space.

 

I may over analyze things with him but I think that he is afraid of commitment. In the past few months he has made some unflattering comments about marriage..i.e. Marriage is the death of a person. I don't know why he feels this way. I told him that I wouldn't keep him from following his dreams if that is what he scares him. He is trying to get his career going and he has so much drive and ambition and I think that he feels if he gets too close to someone that he will just give up his dreams for that person. What more can I do than tell him that I have my own dreams that I want to pursue and I would support anything that he chooses to do with his life.

 

Help!! Tell me if there is anything that I can do to convince him about any of this!!

[Tony T]

The more you do to try to convince him that marriage is great, the more you will drive him away. Your best strategy is just to back off the subject entirely.

 

The man is trying his very best to convince himself that marriage is the death of a man. He may be doing that in order to avoid marriage, something as you suggest he may be quite frightened of. He may have observed many of his friends, who married the wrong people (that does happen sometimes), become miserable after the nuptuals. He may have observed the unhappiness of his mother and father.

 

It would only be reasonable to believe that if he grew up in a happy family where his mother and father were loving and supportive he would not feel this way...so you can sort of bet his family was really screwed up. If not, his own parents would be a great example of why marriage is NOT the death of a person.

 

The last thing a man who is trying to fight the marriage thing needs is a woman standing by trying her best to convince him it's a good thing. There mere act of constantly addressing the subject is enough to move him more to his line of thinking.

 

I think you're wasting your time with this dude...precious time. But if you want to stay with him, don't nag about anything, be kind, supportive, loving, gentle, the very best person you can be. Doing that is about the only thing that will show him that being with you is the best thing for him. But you'll need to set a deadline...and you'll probably have to break up with him at some point and let him see what things are like without you for him to come to his senses. Yep, ask anybody. This won't be an easy strategy to implement. You are dealing with a difficult man.

 

Now if you want to do the work and you are able to be patient, then you have my blessings. But it's a gamble...he could change his mind...or stay right where he is. My guess is that at some point in his life...when he is good and ready...when he realizes he can't live without a particular person, he will cave in to marriage. But not until then.

 

Don't blame me if your strategy doesn't work. Remember, back off the marriage subject, don't nag him, be the best lady you could be for him, and set a deadline...in your head...don't tell him. Then split if he doesn't come around. That's just all you can do.

 

I really wonder if you would ever be happy with a man who had in his mind for so many years that marriage is the death of a person...a man you had to bust your butt to change his mind. You know, challenges are great and all but how could you be happily married to a man who had this attitude stacked back in the corner of his brain somewhere?

 

Think on these things.

[Rachel]

Tony can you please read my "dinner invite" dilemma?

 

What do you think?

 

I want to let him know that the door is open. He is a very confused person. He called about three days after He broke up with me to get together for lunch. I told him did he already know what he wanted.

 

He said no. He said I deserved better and he didnt' know what he wanted . So I told him lunch wasn't such a hot idea if things hadn't changed yet.

 

So, now two months later, I am wondering how to let him know I still love him. I really miss him and realize that he is confused. But I want him to know the door is open. How do I do that?

 

He may be open to counseling at this point .I dont' know.. He is also my stock broker. I called him yesterday(never have before) about a stock info I needed and we chatted for a minute. Then he said, I'll call you later on in the week. He hasn't said that before. Although he called two Mondays ago to tell me a favorite JAZZ program was on TV.

 

Anyway......Help!

[Tony T]

Tony can you please read my "dinner invite" dilemma?

 

Done

[JD]

Tony, thanks for your advice. I just wanted to say one thing though. I wasn't the one who brought up the word marriage. I made it clear to him that I wasn't ready for marriage at this time. I told him that we are still getting to know each other. I told him how I felt only when everything seemed to be going wrong in his life. His father was gravely ill and he wasn't sure if his dad would pull through the illness and in addition to that, his job was driving him nuts. I wanted him to know that I would be there for him when he needed me. So, I have been patient and supportive and I try to do little things for him to let him know that I care. He's told me that he doesn't deserve me because I am too good to him. So...I guess I need to make some decisions about what I truly want. Thanks again!

The more you do to try to convince him that marriage is great, the more you will drive him away. Your best strategy is just to back off the subject entirely. The man is trying his very best to convince himself that marriage is the death of a man. He may be doing that in order to avoid marriage, something as you suggest he may be quite frightened of. He may have observed many of his friends, who married the wrong people (that does happen sometimes), become miserable after the nuptuals. He may have observed the unhappiness of his mother and father. It would only be reasonable to believe that if he grew up in a happy family where his mother and father were loving and supportive he would not feel this way...so you can sort of bet his family was really screwed up. If not, his own parents would be a great example of why marriage is NOT the death of a person. The last thing a man who is trying to fight the marriage thing needs is a woman standing by trying her best to convince him it's a good thing. There mere act of constantly addressing the subject is enough to move him more to his line of thinking.

 

I think you're wasting your time with this dude...precious time. But if you want to stay with him, don't nag about anything, be kind, supportive, loving, gentle, the very best person you can be. Doing that is about the only thing that will show him that being with you is the best thing for him. But you'll need to set a deadline...and you'll probably have to break up with him at some point and let him see what things are like without you for him to come to his senses. Yep, ask anybody. This won't be an easy strategy to implement. You are dealing with a difficult man. Now if you want to do the work and you are able to be patient, then you have my blessings. But it's a gamble...he could change his mind...or stay right where he is. My guess is that at some point in his life...when he is good and ready...when he realizes he can't live without a particular person, he will cave in to marriage. But not until then. Don't blame me if your strategy doesn't work. Remember, back off the marriage subject, don't nag him, be the best lady you could be for him, and set a deadline...in your head...don't tell him. Then split if he doesn't come around. That's just all you can do. I really wonder if you would ever be happy with a man who had in his mind for so many years that marriage is the death of a person...a man you had to bust your butt to change his mind. You know, challenges are great and all but how could you be happily married to a man who had this attitude stacked back in the corner of his brain somewhere? Think on these things.