I turn people away

[littleraindrops]

I posted this under "dating" but didn't get a whole lot of responses. I am reposting here because I realize this is more than just about dating issues.

 

I love being alone and I cherish the times I spend in my room, doing whatever I like to do, but that's only when I am not dating anyone.

 

Surprisingly, I turn into this clingy, helpless girlfriend who just waits for boyfriend's text messages. I am a very busy person, and I like busy people, but I realized that not able to spend so much time together makes me angry. And that anger usually comes out in a wrong way. For example, my bf just came back from a four-day conference yesterday afternoon, and he texted me as soon as he was back in town. He offered that he would come get me because he wanted to see me. I don't know what possessed me to decline his offer, but I did, and when he was so understanding that I couldn't see him yesterday, I got upset. And I blew up after seeing that he didn't respond to my last text.*

 

Okay, he offered, I declined, he offered an alternative, I declined again, and I got upset because he wasn't pushing anything else. What is wrong with me?*

 

Our relationship has been rocky, and I had suspected that the rockiness came from me having issues with my bf and his ex maintaining their friendship. Although I am not completely okay with it still, I decided that I didn't want to just part from him because I was afraid of being hurt from a breakup. I think, in the back of my mind, I always have this feeling that he doesn't like me as much as I do, and I want to see him being so helpless and so sad when I'm not around. This is messed up, I know, but I think I wanted some reassurance that I was being loved and cared.*

 

I think I have problems with wanting attention from boyfriends.*This issue is affecting my life a big time. It's always affected me, in a negative way. For instance, I can't get my work done because I'm thinking about him too much or I just sit and wait for his text, while daydreaming about some random things. When we have an argument, my brain just stops working and all I see is just a blank.*

 

I have suffered from depression and I tend to blame this for all my issues. I don't think it's just the depression. I am beginning to believe that maybe this is my personality with men. And I am scared. I am scared that I am going to drive people away and lose them completely.*How do I stop this? Could someone help me?

[mea_M]

Depression can do a lot. Are you treating that?

 

Mea

[pteromom]

Okay, he offered, I declined, he offered an alternative, I declined again, and I got upset because he wasn't pushing anything else. What is wrong with me?*

 

I don't know - do you view this as some kind of a test? Like if he loves you, he'll move mountains for you and won't take no for an answer? Do you want him to be more assertive/aggressive or take more of a lead?

 

Our relationship has been rocky, and I had suspected that the rockiness came from me having issues with my bf and his ex maintaining their friendship. Although I am not completely okay with it still, I decided that I didn't want to just part from him because I was afraid of being hurt from a breakup.

 

That's not a good reason to stay in a relationship.

 

I think, in the back of my mind, I always have this feeling that he doesn't like me as much as I do, and I want to see him being so helpless and so sad when I'm not around. This is messed up, I know, but I think I wanted some reassurance that I was being loved and cared.*

 

So there are two options here:

 

1. Your gut is talking to you, letting you know he really isn't that into you, and you are desperately trying to change that and make him more into you.

 

or

 

2. You are very insecure, and have a need to be constantly reassured that he is into you and wanting to be with you, and when you don't get that reassurance, you retreat to protect yourself.

 

I think I have problems with wanting attention from boyfriends.*This issue is affecting my life a big time. It's always affected me, in a negative way.

 

Since you say it has always affected you, I would lean toward #2.

 

Something inside you feels unworthy, and you are looking to him to assure you that you are worthy. He can't do that for you - only you can do that.

 

How do I stop this? Could someone help me?

 

You have to start working on your own confidence. Get to where you believe that you are good enough. Love yourself. Like yourself. When you get there, you won't need validation from men. You'll be able to approach a relationship as a happy whole person wanting another happy whole person to walk through life with, instead of needing them to prove their love to you.

 

Of course, learning to love and accept yourself is hard work. I recommend lots of reading and journaling.