Is friendzoning that bad?

[melell]

I find that when I am talking to guys, if they initiate it, they are usually looking for more. I am personally not looking for more, so it makes for a weird situation.

 

There are people that I really like, get on well with, and would be pleased to have them as a friend or someone to talk to. I want to be friends with them, but it almost feels (even if they don't specifically say so) that it has to be a relationship or nothing. And if they don't make that clear, then it remains a friendship, but their intentions are still towards more.

 

This is especially hard when some sort of flirting has gone on in the past.

 

Guys, does being friendzoned really annoy you?

Would you appreciate the other person making it clear they don't want more?

Would you continue to talk to someone despite them not wanting more on the off chance that something might come of it?

Can you tone it down to just friendship (in your head) even if you were attracted to someone?

[joystickd]

 

Guys, does being friendzoned really annoy you?

Would you appreciate the other person making it clear they don't want more?

Would you continue to talk to someone despite them not wanting more on the off chance that something might come of it?

Can you tone it down to just friendship (in your head) even if you were attracted to someone?

1. Yes. No one wants to settle for the consolation prize

2. Hell yeah!! A lot of the problem with women is them not being clear. You all seem to love ambiguity and grey areas.

3. No why would I that is a waste of time

4. No and the same question is could you tone it down if the situation were reversed. I wouldn't tone it down because I wouldn't offer them friendship if I had to settle for it.

[melell]

1. Yes. No one wants to settle for the consolation prize

2. Hell yeah!! A lot of the problem with women is them not being clear. You all seem to love ambiguity and grey areas.

3. No why would I that is a waste of time

4. No and the same question is could you tone it down if the situation were reversed. I wouldn't tone it down because I wouldn't offer them friendship if I had to settle for it.

 

These were the exact conclusions I came to. I still wonder though, if you get along well with someone, and genuinely like that person-as a person, is it really that bad to have a friendship? I mean, a close friend, not just casual.

[OptimistPrime]

These were the exact conclusions I came to. I still wonder though, if you get along well with someone, and genuinely like that person-as a person, is it really that bad to have a friendship? I mean, a close friend, not just casual.

 

Not at all, as long as the boundaries are clear with both people. If one is not clear and expects more then the friendship really can't bloom. And it helps tremendously if neither is attracted to the other!

[Eternal Sunshine]

From my experience, guys that initiate talking want to be more than friends. Even if they don't say it straight up.

 

Not always a relationship but at least sex. I have one good male friend that I have known for years and we are purely platonic, but with other friendships - at least at some point they attempted something. Most don't stay around after I reject them.

[Elliotte]

 

Guys, does being friendzoned really annoy you?

Would you appreciate the other person making it clear they don't want more?

Would you continue to talk to someone despite them not wanting more on the off chance that something might come of it?

Can you tone it down to just friendship (in your head) even if you were attracted to someone?

 

1) No, because at a certain point I no longer got invested in dating someone until they made it clear they wanted that as well. If a woman wanted to be friends, I was fine with that because often times being friends with a woman leads to meeting other women, and eventually you'll find one you want to date, and who wants to date you as well! I think the annoyance is often if you have a crush on someone before asking them out, and have trouble losing that crush.

2) Yes, making it clear is much better than leaving it open ended or 'having someone on the hook'. (there's an episode of How I Met Your Mother that actually does a great job explaining this haha)

3) I definitely did this a few times, never worked out. Learned from it, never would again.

4) Yes. (especially since I am married)

[melell]

From my experience, guys that initiate talking want to be more than friends. Even if they don't say it straight up.

 

Not always a relationship but at least sex. I have one good male friend that I have known for years and we are purely platonic, but with other friendships - at least at some point they attempted something. Most don't stay around after I reject them.

 

This is what I have noticed as well. Comparatively though, I find that female friends will also initiate talking if they want to be friends- so is it gender specific? The whole guys only want one thing?

 

I have one particular friend that I met at uni at the start of the year, we are quite close, talk about all sorts of things, but still I get a weird feeling from him, like he is staring at me?

 

When we meet I was with someone, and he was friends with me anyway, despite knowing I wouldn't want more.

[InnocentMan]

Never been able to master a friendship with a woman. It always ends in complete disaster. I've had plenty female acquaintances that have been fine, but inevitably all the close ones have become something else.

 

I would advise you have very strict boundaries for females if they want to pursue male friendships. Try treat them as if you yourself are a guy. For example, no cuddling on the sofa watching movies with the lights low etc.

 

It doesn't really matter what you tell them at the start. **** can change, even from the females point of view. It's a minefield.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is what I have noticed as well. Comparatively though, I find that female friends will also initiate talking if they want to be friends- so is it gender specific? The whole guys only want one thing?

 

I have one particular friend that I met at uni at the start of the year, we are quite close, talk about all sorts of things, but still I get a weird feeling from him, like he is staring at me?

 

When we meet I was with someone, and he was friends with me anyway, despite knowing I wouldn't want more.

 

Yeah I think it's gender specific. I have female friends that initiate talking and obviously there is no motive other than friendship. But with male friends I always feel this weird vibe...like they are checking me out.

 

One of them hang out with me and my ex bf and seemed fine with it. But as soon as that bf and me broke up, he tried to have sex with me. Ugh.

[melell]

Yeah I think it's gender specific. I have female friends that initiate talking and obviously there is no motive other than friendship. But with male friends I always feel this weird vibe...like they are checking me out.

 

One of them hang out with me and my ex bf and seemed fine with it. But as soon as that bf and me broke up, he tried to have sex with me. Ugh.

 

Exactly. Tis okay, I am down with sticking to pets and females.

[jba10582]

In order of value

Dating (Lowest Value)

Aquaintance

Friend

FWB

Long-Term Relationship Material

Wife Material (Highest Value)

 

I rank being Friendzoned somewhere in the Aquaintance area.

[melell]

In order of value

Dating (Lowest Value)

Aquaintance

Friend

FWB

Long-Term Relationship Material

Wife Material (Highest Value)

 

I rank being Friendzoned somewhere in the Aquaintance area.

Dating lower than acquaintance? Do you mean paid dates?

[jba10582]

The more I REALLY think about the word dating, the less value I place on it. In fact, the best relationships I ever had, never turned out from dating. I really do NOT expect a lot of people to agree with my evaluation there, it is just my experience and calling it the way I see it. My best relationships stemmed from ACTUAL friendship first...basically where the girl had never actually used the words "lets be friends", but instead was there as a good reliable friend.

[MrNate 2.0]

I guess for a lot of men, entering the friend zone with a girl you like is like opening up a pack of pringles.

 

Once you pop, the fun don't stop.

 

 

 

 

 

Except you have to put the lid back on again. Which I guess could be a bit difficult.

[MrMeh]

It's happened to me with girls, but it rarely happens since most are easy to avoid since you can easily spot them making moves. I usually try to avoid them because I feel mean even letting them off softly.

[ZipperZapper]

Women often put men into the friendzone because they think this is a kinder way of saying 'no', or a way to avoid telling the guy how they really feel about him - i.e. loser, creep, ugly - all the usual negative pejoratives that get applied to men who make an approach.

 

it would be far better kinder, and more honest if they would tell guys straight up that they're not interested rather than playing pointless games.

[melell]

There have been plenty of people I have really genuinely liked that I haven't been attracted to in the romantic sense.. There have also been people that I have really liked, that I would consider, but I wasn't feeling like having a relationship at the time.

 

I feel like it is insane to not be friends with someone just because they don't want a romantic relationship.

[iplaymybassinthesun]

Friendship itself isn't bad at all. If I'm looking for an INTIMATE relationship that involves everything else including friendship however, and the attraction isn't mutual, I'd be dishonest with myself and her if I chose to accept friendship only and stick around. The attraction would still be there, the desires would still be there... and life is short. I never would have known if I'd be accepted or rejected before I'd pursued something, but when attraction is involved it kind of is either red or green, no yellow...at least in my experience. Actually at 31 I'm still looking for my first green but that's for another day!

[joystickd]

These were the exact conclusions I came to. I still wonder though, if you get along well with someone, and genuinely like that person-as a person, is it really that bad to have a friendship? I mean, a close friend, not just casual.

Yeah it's bad. I'm not up for hearing her talk about guys she is banging.

[Leeway Harris]

I think there's an issue of pride. When someone gets rejected, their pride is wounded, and it can be hard to get past that. Even if it would be worth putting pride aside for the sake of a possible good friendship, a lot of people find that really hard to do. I don't think it's only true of men though.

 

melell, look at it this way: Supposed you really like some guy. You work up the courage to tell him, and he's flattered, but he doesn't feel the same way, although he thinks you're a great person and would really like to be your friend.

 

Would you really, sincerely be totally ok with that? This man you had all these feelings for, treating you like one of the guys? Close enough to touch, but just out of reach? Offering you chaste hugs, making you wonder in spite of yourself if it means more than he's letting on? And what happens when he meets someone he does want to be with? Suppose she's someone you think is more attractive than you? Suppose she's someone you think is LESS attractive than you? Either way, could you refrain from comparing yourself to her? Wondering why her and not you?

 

Keep in mind, this guy has sincere, genuine affection for you, just not "that way". You're totally fine with this situation? I mean, after all, you've made a friend! That's a win for you, shouldn't you just be grateful for it? Or is it a little more complicated than that?

Edited December 10, 2013 by Leeway Harris

[Meadowgreen]

I think there's an issue of pride. When someone gets rejected, their pride is wounded, and it can be hard to get past that. Even if it would be worth putting pride aside for the sake of a possible good friendship, a lot of people find that really hard to do. I don't think it's only true of men though.

 

melell, look at it this way: Supposed you really like some guy. You work up the courage to tell him, and he's flattered, but he doesn't feel the same way, although he thinks you're a great person and would really like to be your friend.

 

Would you really, sincerely be totally ok with that? This man you had all these feelings for, treating you like one of the guys? Close enough to touch, but just out of reach? Offering you chaste hugs, making you wonder in spite of yourself if it means more than he's letting on? And what happens when he meets someone he does want to be with? Suppose she's someone you think is more attractive than you? Suppose she's someone you think is LESS attractive than you? Either way, could you refrain from comparing yourself to her? Wondering why her and not you?

 

Keep in mind, this guy has sincere, genuine affection for you, just not "that way". You're totally fine with this situation? I mean, after all, you've made a friend! That's a win for you, shouldn't you just be grateful for it? Or is it a little more complicated than that?

 

I can tell you from personal experience that this is exactly what a woman often has to deal with when she's friendzoned by a man.

 

I was friendzoned 10 years ago but loved the dude so much I convinced myself that I needed to do whatever was necessary to keep him as a friend, even if that meant suppressing my feelings. So I muddled through, carried on giving him support as a friend while crying myself to sleep, hating the girls he was actually interested in, hating them because they weren't as good as me (in my opinion), hating them because they were prettier / thinner / cooler than me. Enduring his bragging about sleeping with them, and STUPIDLY giving advice on how to woo one of them (a self-harming stripper, no less) into a relationship.

 

It was a very humilating experience, and a month ago I decided I wasn't going to endure it anymore and went absolutely NC on my friend. I told him why, I told him that happiness for me lay elsewhere and I couldn't be 100% happy with him in the picture constantly tearing open old wounds.

 

You can read the full story here: An Unrequited Love I Can't Shake Off

 

Anyway, I digress. Unrequited love is the ****ing pits, and anyone going through it deserves gentle treatment and respect.

[FrankieFrank]

I find that when I am talking to guys, if they initiate it, they are usually looking for more. I am personally not looking for more, so it makes for a weird situation.

 

There are people that I really like, get on well with, and would be pleased to have them as a friend or someone to talk to. I want to be friends with them, but it almost feels (even if they don't specifically say so) that it has to be a relationship or nothing. And if they don't make that clear, then it remains a friendship, but their intentions are still towards more.

 

This is especially hard when some sort of flirting has gone on in the past.

 

Guys, does being friendzoned really annoy you?

Would you appreciate the other person making it clear they don't want more?

Would you continue to talk to someone despite them not wanting more on the off chance that something might come of it?

Can you tone it down to just friendship (in your head) even if you were attracted to someone?

 

1. No, not really. Whenever I was "friendzoned", there was no sexual dynamic going on anyway, so it made no difference. I'm not even sure how my interactions were interpreted as romantic advances, but whatever.

2. I assume offer of friendship is explicit sign of not wanting more. Then again I never really was offended or hurt by it as I turned out to be way less attracted to the girl that I thought.

3. Nope. If I continue to talk, that would be on strictly platonic terms from now on. I'd also not be all that open to "offers of more", should they ever come from other side.

4. No.

5. Depends what you mean by "some sort of flirting". Some of my past interactions could be described as "flirting" and may have seemed like it to me too at the time, but they don't now.

 

But if you made it seem like you could potentially be interested in more, then you backpedal to "friendship" without ever clarifying you never wanted anything more, that's questionable at best.

 

I still wonder though, if you get along well with someone, and genuinely like that person-as a person, is it really that bad to have a friendship? I mean, a close friend, not just casual.

Realistically, I never had close frienship with any woman after being "friendzoned", just casual, but I don't think I'd have problem if that was the case. Friendship is friendship, romantic relations are separate thing. If latter can't exist, what's wrong with former?

 

I feel like it is insane to not be friends with someone just because they don't want a romantic relationship.

If other person still holds feelings for you going beyond friendship, you can't really be friends. If other person doesn't have such feelings and is open to idea of friendship, why not? Edited December 10, 2013 by FrankieFrank

[Leeway Harris]

Also... I meant to emphasize the "pride" aspect more in my last post, but got off on a tangent into the pain of unrequited love.

 

When you want someone who doesn't want you, you're bound to wonder why. What flaw in your looks or personality kept this person from wanting to be with you? This is true even if they still like you as a friend. It's very hard not to see it as a negative evaluation of you. Like you have been judged and dismissed.... weighed in the balance and found wanting.

 

Plus, if you stay friends, there may always be that "imbalance" between you. Both parties will always know that one wanted more, and had to settle for less, the poor dear. And worse, maybe other people will know the history of the friendship, and it stings to imagine them talking behind your back. "Yeah, s/he used to like him/her, but s/he shut him/her down because s/he wasn't worthy. S/He had to settle for friendship. Poor girl/boy."

 

Can you understand how all that could be hard on someone's pride?

[TheBigQuestion]

I find that when I am talking to guys, if they initiate it, they are usually looking for more. I am personally not looking for more, so it makes for a weird situation.

 

There are people that I really like, get on well with, and would be pleased to have them as a friend or someone to talk to. I want to be friends with them, but it almost feels (even if they don't specifically say so) that it has to be a relationship or nothing. And if they don't make that clear, then it remains a friendship, but their intentions are still towards more.

 

This is especially hard when some sort of flirting has gone on in the past.

 

Guys, does being friendzoned really annoy you?

Would you appreciate the other person making it clear they don't want more?

Would you continue to talk to someone despite them not wanting more on the off chance that something might come of it?

Can you tone it down to just friendship (in your head) even if you were attracted to someone?

 

1. I've been off the market for three years, but yes, being friend-zoned would usually annoy me, and nothing more than that. However, I learned from a very early age to not really let myself get into those kinds of situations so I did a pretty good job of limiting my exposure to them.

 

2. Yes.

 

3. In my late teens, maybe I would have.

 

4. I sure can tone it down. How does one go about every day life without doing so?

 

I think it needs to be said that if you're a woman who is at least somewhat conventionally attractive and possess more charm than a common lamp post, most guys who want to talk to you aren't really interested in just being your friend. The fact that there are women in their 20s and 30s who don't realize this continues to baffle me. Most men want to sleep with and/or date you, not merely befriend you. Genuine opposite sex friendships certainly can work just fine, but they're the exception, not the rule. Most men simply don't seek out that sort of companionship from women. It's not an insult to simply point out the truth.

[mikecr50]

Having female friends is great but after eight months of dating and being intimate.... you want to just be friends. Can't turn those tables for a myriad of reasons! I could certainly expound but I think you get the idea.