I don't think I'm shady - I'm just one perplexed lady.

[bex12]

I have been married for four years, no children. My H and I were together for a long time before we were married. I had never cheated, or ever had intentions of hooking up with another man. I was (and still am) happily married.

 

Three months ago I attended meetings in another state. The first night was a company-sponsored social where I met OM. A few drinks, nothing more. The second night, another company-sponsored social. This night we got drunk and hooked up - no sex. The final night we were drinking again and guess what? - we hooked up again, no sex. We stayed together that night.

 

OM and I live four states apart. After our hook ups and we arrived home we were texting (in a friendly way) for several weeks, until we both confessed to having feelings for the other. Then it was a flurry of sexting. Neither of our spouses were aware of what was going on (or are aware)

 

Six weeks later, my company flew me to his city for more meetings. We met up on the sly, and finally we had sex... several times... and it was mind blowing. We agreed to decrease contact, as we were both feeling guilty. The first few days after our meet up we were still texting/sexting, but the pace slowed down considerably. He pissed me off via text one day and I told him off... since then, I've been decreasing contact with him, which is really f-ing hard. He seems to have lost interest in me altogether, which also annoys me (even though we agreed for less contact!).

 

I deleted him from everything, except he emails me occasionally. I haven't heard from him in a week. I do, however, check my emails almost compulsively to see if he's written me anything.

 

Here's the point of this post:

 

Was he using me?

Am I reading too much into this whole thing?

When will I get past this?

If I was so happily married (I still believe I am), what made me develop feelings for him?

 

TIA

[bentleychic]

Only he can tell you if he was using you. He might have realized it was more than he wanted when you all started bickering. When you will get past it...there's no guarantee on that. Hopefully sooner rather than later. Thankfully for you, it didn't last TOO long.

 

Your last question...people disagree on this. I think you can love more than one person at once and still be attracted to and develop feelings for people if you are happily married. However, only IF you let your guard down and allow yourself to open that door. It could be something missing in YOU or that you need to work on within yourself, not necessarily in your marriage.

[Snipercatt]

Nothing made you develop feelings for OM. You chose to progressively lower your boundaries that kept your marriage safe. Each lowering set you up to permit the next lowering, and so on. You've compartmentalized your intimate relationships, one from another in order to persuade yourself that your behavior is okay and no one gets hurt.

[bex12]

Snipercatt, I had never heard of the word compartmentalized until I started browsing these forums. I think having the physical distance helped me separate the affair.

 

I suspect you may be on to something.

[whichwayisup]

Was he using me?

Am I reading too much into this whole thing?

When will I get past this?

If I was so happily married (I still believe I am), what made me develop feelings for him?

 

Reasons you need to figure out by going to counseling and fixing yourself. You let this happen. You chose to get close to another man outside your marriage, even though you *say* you're happy in your marriage, so that makes me believe that you are broken inside, something in you needed another man to validate you, make you feel good about yourself. Or, it could very well be that you were plain selfish and enjoyed the attention and put your husband out of your mind completely to do as you pleased.

 

You allowed yourself to fall for another man, nobody put you up to that. It didn't "just" happen, you chased it, you made plans and continued on in an affair.

 

Question is, do you have it in you to come clean and tell your husband the truth?

 

OM, whether he is also married, or single doesn't matter. If he used you, you used him as well. Even if you think you didn't, you did because YOU have a ring on your finger.

 

Sorry if my words come off harshly, I mean well and respectfully suggest you do counseling, on your own and with your husband. Use the same marriage counselor for both.. Figure out a way to affair proof your marriage and also fix you by learning boundaries and not crossing lines when it comes to opposite sex friends.

[Snipercatt]

Bex, I think it might be helpful if you focus on the language you use in order to find the clues to how you've chosen to be in this situation. Notice I didn't say found yourself here (which would denote ignorance as to your active, and passive, choices).

 

Saying that the distance HELPED you seperate the affair is excusing your choice because of distance. If distance were the actual culprit then the chances that you'll do this again are high. Give some thought to having considered that it was safer for you to choose to lower your boundaries with someone distant because the chances of getting caught were less likely than with someone closer. Now the issue becomes a matter of you keeping strong boundaries regardless of distance because your weakness is that you will choose to permit yourself to have an affair if you don't think you'll be caught.

 

 

Look at your choices for the truth of the matter.

[bex12]

Thank you bentleychic and whichwayisup.

 

I think you're both right about something is missing from me. My H travels a lot and spends months away at a time (not an excuse, just the reality). I guess when I met OM (who is married btw) I needed to feel validation and not-so-lonely. We met at the wrong time, I suppose.

I have thought about attending counselling. I am no stranger to a few therapy sessions! I can't talk to any of my friends or family about this, I've been holding this in for months.

[violet1]

What you're going through is normal in an affair. It's the roller coaster. The communication is high and then it's low. You feel guilt and then you don't. Right now, the chemicals in your brain are going nuts. You become obsessed, checking emails, texts constantly. It's like taking a hit for the very first time and you become hooked. Affairs become very addicting. I'm willing to bet the communication between the two of you will increase again, then guilt comes so then the communication drops. It becomes a vicious cycle. IMO, he's not using you, it's just classic affair behavior. Affairs aren't normal relationships. Because of this, the emotions you feel are very difficult to navigate.

 

I'm a married woman and I've also had an affair, except mine was long term. You now know what the unforbidden fruit tastes like. It feels exciting and intoxicating doesn't it? However, if you want to stay happily married, you need to end it completely. I strongly suggest counseling to help you end the affair and to figure out the why's.

[bex12]

Bex, I think it might be helpful if you focus on the language you use in order to find the clues to how you've chosen to be in this situation. Notice I didn't say found yourself here (which would denote ignorance as to your active, and passive, choices).

 

Saying that the distance HELPED you seperate the affair is excusing your choice because of distance. If distance were the actual culprit then the chances that you'll do this again are high. Give some thought to having considered that it was safer for you to choose to lower your boundaries with someone distant because the chances of getting caught were less likely than with someone closer. Now the issue becomes a matter of you keeping strong boundaries regardless of distance because your weakness is that you will choose to permit yourself to have an affair if you don't think you'll be caught.

 

 

Look at your choices for the truth of the matter.

 

I think you just put my thoughts into words. I was afraid to think this for awhile, but I think you're right.

In all honesty, I am really disappointed with myself, this behaviour is unusual for me. I can't believe I let myself get swept up in all of this. And as much as I want and need to maintain my distance, I still miss him.

[bex12]

What you're going through is normal in an affair. It's the roller coaster. The communication is high and then it's low. You feel guilt and then you don't. Right now, the chemicals in your brain are going nuts. You become obsessed, checking emails, texts constantly. It's like taking a hit for the very first time and you become hooked. Affairs become very addicting. I'm willing to bet the communication between the two of you will increase again, then guilt comes so then the communication drops. It becomes a vicious cycle. IMO, he's not using you, it's just classic affair behavior. Affairs aren't normal relationships. Because of this, the emotions you feel are very difficult to navigate.

 

I'm a married woman and I've also had an affair, except mine was long term. You now know what the unforbidden fruit tastes like. It feels exciting and intoxicating doesn't it? However, if you want to stay happily married, you need to end it completely. I strongly suggest counseling to help you end the affair and to figure out the why's.

 

Thanks violet1, I appreciate your honest answer, and glad I am not alone in this! (although it really sucks, feeling this way!) I agree, counselling may help me figure out what's going on in my head.

[violet1]

Thanks violet1, I appreciate your honest answer, and glad I am not alone in this! (although it really sucks, feeling this way!) I agree, counselling may help me figure out what's going on in my head.

 

Yes, it does suck that's why I'm no longer in an affair. You're definitely not alone though. I never got caught, but it was still very emotionally draining. Some people are happy cheaters though. I guess the mileage varies. I know I also need counseling to get my head straight.

[twosadthings]

I don't think it's for strangers to say whether you're shady or not. You don't matter to us. Why don't you ask someone who matters to you? Perhaps your dad or even better your husband.

 

Twosadthings

[Owl]

I think you just put my thoughts into words. I was afraid to think this for awhile, but I think you're right.

In all honesty, I am really disappointed with myself, this behaviour is unusual for me. I can't believe I let myself get swept up in all of this. And as much as I want and need to maintain my distance, I still miss him.

 

You're still not focusing on the right things.

 

What are you going to do NOW, in light of what happened?

 

Stay married? Divorce?

 

If you choose to stay married, what are you going to do to safeguard your marriage going forward? Or are you going to continue on as you have, without changing anything?

 

Rather than focus on what he was thinking, focus instead on what you do now.

[bex12]

update:

I have made an appointment with a counselor, and I am in process of writing a No-Contact email to OM. And figuring out the best way to break it to my husband.

 

I know this happened because of me. I need to figure out why I did this, and what's going on in my head. I will never do this again.

 

Thanks for your helpful responses.

[Owl]

update:

I have made an appointment with a counselor, and I am in process of writing a No-Contact email to OM. And figuring out the best way to break it to my husband.

 

I know this happened because of me. I need to figure out why I did this, and what's going on in my head. I will never do this again.

 

Thanks for your helpful responses.

 

Good call. One suggestion...hold off just long enough on sending that NC email until you've broken this all to your H, so that he can see you send it. Let him SEE that you're ending this on your own, in front of him, willingly so that you can try to reconcile your marriage.

 

I'd also suggest some reading up of stories over on the infidelity page, so that you get a good idea on what he's going to go through, how he's likely to react, and things you can do to help give your marriage a shot at recovering.

[Oldspiceywolf]

I would handle that business with OM now, make sure you try to end it neatly ASAP and that way when full disclosure comes it's shows that you ended it and without prompting.

 

As far as OM using you, maybe yes but no different that you using him but if things got stressful and bitter I can see him distancing himself because he doesn't want you to blow up his spot but he will keep light contact until you insist on NC because no guy wants to lose a free piece of a$$ when out of town, if the risk is minimal.

 

Definitely read as much as you can here about BS's an OM/W because when you open this can of worm you need to know what you are facing.

You will annihilate your H ego even if it's only temporary, and you might possibly be called a lot of names and you might be outed to friends and family.

I still think you should come clean if you want to make you M have a better chance at success but you need to be prepared for what lies ahead. NEVER LIE! The death if all reconciliation is trickle truth... Continued lying and discovery, even withholding info is lying when it comes to spousal betrayal.

[violet1]

I'm going to get slammed for this, but in your case I don't think you should tell your H. It was a short term, long distant affair. I'm a strong believer in some things are better left unsaid. If you tell him, you're relationship will never be the same. Chances are, you're going to be in divorce court. Note: This is just MY opinion and you are not in any way, shape or form obliged to follow it. I just see things differently than most. It's your life and you have to do what's right for you. However, I do think you still need counseling to help you figure out the why's and to help prevent you from doing it again.. I'm very pleased you made the appointment and I do wish you the best.

Edited December 10, 2013 by violet1

[Lightglowabove]

I'm going to get slammed for this, but in your case I don't think you should tell your H. It was a short term, long distant affair. I'm a strong believer in some things are better left unsaid. If you tell him, you're relationship will never be the same. Chances are, you're going to be in divorce court. Note: This is just MY opinion and you are not in any way, shape or form obliged to follow it. I just see things differently than most. It's your life and you have to do what's right for you. However, I do think you still need counseling to help you figure out the why's and to help prevent you from doing it again.. I'm very pleased you made the appointment and I do wish you the best.

 

Actually, I agree with you on this. I would not tell him either. There is no need to hurt him with this and if you are strong enough to get over it yourself, do so. People confess for a variety of reasons, some to relieve their guilt, some to move on, but I don't think it helps the situation because you will hurt your husband beyond belief.

[violet1]

Actually, I agree with you on this. I would not tell him either. There is no need to hurt him with this and if you are strong enough to get over it yourself, do so. People confess for a variety of reasons, some to relieve their guilt, some to move on, but I don't think it helps the situation because you will hurt your husband beyond belief.

 

Confessing just to alleviate guilt is not the right reason to confess IMO. When my H cheated on me it was a short term fling. I honestly wish I had never found out because it screwed me up for years. I also used his cheating to justify my cheating almost a decade later. Now if she had a long-term emotional and physical affair then a confession would absolutely be needed to reconcile. That's not the case of the OP though. She seems remorseful, doesn't want to do it again and is willing to get help. I see no reason to confess in her case.

[Owl]

I'm not going to slam anyone, but I will post a dissenting viewpoint.

 

Infidelity should ALWAYS be brought out into the open and addressed and dealt with. Keeping it hidden and then trying to reconcile is trying to rebuild a relationship on a massive lie (by ommission)...it's nearly always doomed to failure.

 

The only exception is if there's a true risk of physical violence...which in that case means the marriage should be ended, period.

 

That's my viewpoint...agree or disagree as you like.

[ClemsonTigers]

I'm not going to slam anyone, but I will post a dissenting viewpoint.

 

Infidelity should ALWAYS be brought out into the open and addressed and dealt with. Keeping it hidden and then trying to reconcile is trying to rebuild a relationship on a massive lie (by ommission)...it's nearly always doomed to failure.

 

The only exception is if there's a true risk of physical violence...which in that case means the marriage should be ended, period.

 

That's my viewpoint...agree or disagree as you like.

 

 

Yup ~~~ truth is the cornerstone of recovery.

 

Without it your relationship/marriage is just smoke and mirrors.

Edited December 11, 2013 by ClemsonTigers

[bubbaganoosh]

If you were so damn happy, why did you sleep with another man?

 

You could keep it a secret if you want, it's your life but don't be surprised if some day it comes out via accident or what not, then your going to have to face the music. Then you'll have a fight on your hands that in the long run you'll find out wasn't worth the affair.

 

I don't know how people can say that they have a good, happy marriage and have an affair in the same breath.

[Lightglowabove]

Yup ~~~ truth is the cornerstone of recovery.

 

Without it your relationship/marriage is just smoke and mirrors.

 

I think it depends on how strong you are. If you can recover from the affair yourself, end it, and move on, I don't think you should hurt the other person by telling them, "oh...by the way...I had an affair". Why put someone through all the pain by confessing to them when you can deal with it and proceed. I could never do that to someone just to relieve my guilt. We're human and we make mistakes - it doesn't mean we have to confess all if it means purposely hurting someone.

 

But I respect all your opinions on this matter.

[bex12]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

If you were so damn happy, why did you sleep with another man?

 

I don't know how people can say that they have a good, happy marriage and have an affair in the same breath.

 

I'm not sure if what I'm about to write will make sense, but I'll do my best.

 

I am happy in my marriage. He's very good to me and we love each other, hence why I feel a ton of guilt. The problem is not with my relationship with H, but the relationship I have with myself. There is some intrinsic motivation I had which made me do what I did. This is why I will be seeing a professional, to help me determine what it was, and how I can get past it so this never happens again.

I messed up, big time. I know this. I am not proud of what I did. I just want to move beyond my mistake, and get support so I can make my marriage better.