Not sure ?

[flipatable]

Have been having an affair with a MM for just about 10 months now. I am also married. About 3 months ago, his wife found out. He kept in contact but it was drastically reduced for about 2-3 weeks. Thereafter, we have been maintaining contact on the same level but only during work hours, not during evenings and weekends. I'm trying to keep this post brief so will just give basic details and expand as needed - essentially we fell in love and admitted that we want to be with each other. However even though he says he loves me, doesn't want to lose me etc, he also says that he needs time to discuss where and how things went wrong with her before he can actually leave. Apparently the relationship was bad before the affair. And this takes time because they've been together for 15 years. (Married for 5) So on the one hand he says he has told her that things with her cannot be worked on, but on the other hand he needs time to decide whether the relationship can be salvaged or not.

I've already told him that I want to leave my marriage, not only because of him, but because I don't feel like it's working anymore.

My question is whether I should even continue this relationship at all. As I don't see him leaving or making any steps to do so. He has said that he needs time. My husband and I have also been together that amount of time, yet I have said that I am leaving, so why can't he? Neither of us have kids. What am I supposed to do?

[Cinnimon]

Flip, If I may ask you, were you planning on leaving your marriage prior to meeting the OM?

[Raena]

It sounds like you need to give him some space to determine what is going on with his relationship with his wife. He obviously wants to figure that out before he decides to leave. You might want to try and do the same.

[flipatable]

Cinnimon - yes I was seriously considering it. I guess I didn't before because I was scared. Of being alone. But now I'd rather be alone than in a miserable marriage.

 

Raena - I've tried speaking to him about taking a break to give him that space but he won't listen to it. He turns it around saying that I want to break things off.

[Snipercatt]

So on the one hand he says he has told her that things with her cannot be worked on, but on the other hand he needs time to decide whether the relationship can be salvaged or not.

 

The end of this sentence contradicts the beginning of it. One or the other isn't true.

[flipatable]

Snipercatt- sometimes he says one and other times the other.

He says that he doesn't want to promise anything, but that at the moment he feels as if it's irreparable, but that that might change, hence seeing if it's salvageable or not.

 

Tbh I'm just as confused because he says they need to go over where and how things went wrong before he can leave, but then on the other hand it seems that he is bringing the issues to the surface to see if they can work on it.

[Snipercatt]

The truth of the matter is that he isn't taking any action to leave, now. there's no predicting the future. Notice he says he feels it is irreparable, BUT that might change? His feeeeeeeeelings are not action. Action, or lack thereof, determine what happens.

 

Take him at his action - he's doing nothing to leave. Talking about leaving is, just, . . . well, talk. As to needing to talk about what went wrong, and where, so he can leave?

 

Gobbledegook. All excuses to do nothing about leaving.

 

There's nothing confusing about what he isn't doing if you seperate out his inaction,from his words. Don't give his words any credit when there's no follow through.

[flipatable]

Snipercatt - Thank you for your response. I appreciate it.

 

You are right. He's told me that he has had discussions/ fights with her about it being over. But I'm still not seeing any action. It seems he wants her to agree that it's not working firsts something along those lines. Not sure what good that would do.

 

Should I give him time to sort this out and see if he follows through? I just don't want to end up the sucker hanging around waiting for him to make up his mind, only for him to tell me he's staying to work on things. Worse still, what if he is already working on things but keeping me around as a back up in case it doesn't work out?

 

I figure that if I did give him time, the longest would be 3 months. But not sure if I should even do this at all.

[Snipercatt]

I figure that if I did give him time, the longest would be 3 months. But not sure if I should even do this at all.

 

What the heck? You have more than enough to focus on getting your own divorce. When the dust settles from that you can poke your head out and if he hasn'tmleft, he hasn't left.

 

Worse still, what if he is already working on things but keeping me around as a back up in case it doesn't work out?

 

And, then there's that pesky probability.

[flipatable]

Snipercatt - thanks again. That's true. I do need to focus on my own divorce first before even thinking about what he will or won't do.

 

I have offered to leave him be in order to work on things at home but he wouldn't hear of that, saying it would take a miracle for things to work out at home.

 

It'll be hard but I think I have to sort my own life out first and not wait around for him to decide.

[Snipercatt]

I have offered to leave him be in order to work on things at home but he wouldn't hear of that, saying it would take a miracle for things to work out at home.

 

How convenient. For him. Right? See who he is looking out for?

 

On the other hand, telling him you'll leave him be in order to work on things at home is rather lame, and manipulative. You want him to tell you that he doesn't want that. And, so, no decisions are made.

 

Instead you tell him you are leaving him be since he's taken no action to leave, and when he's left he can contact you to seeif you are still interested. That way you've taken control of your life, which is to move forward in the direction that serves you best and put him on notice not to contact you until he has divorce papers. He's going to do, or not do, what he considers best, for him. That may, or may not, be wht's best for you. You can only control your own outcome.

[whichwayisup]

He never had any intention of leaving his wife and divorcing. Sounds like he is/was in this for just an affair, nothing more. His chance to leave his wife was when she found about you and the affair. He chose to stay married and that should give you a clue of where his priorities are, as well as he only contacts you during work hours, no nights or weekends so you must see that his wife believes the A is over and he is no contact mode with you since contact is only at work.

 

Anyway, he is not worth it, end it and move on. Focus on ending your marriage fairly with your husband, grieve the loss and be on your own for a while before dating anybody. Grow as a person, as a woman, be independent. Again, forget your MM, he isn't going to leave and divorce his wife because his marriage isn't half as bad as he may have made it out to be. Let him go and focus on your healing and growing.

[whichwayisup]

Snipercatt - thanks again. That's true. I do need to focus on my own divorce first before even thinking about what he will or won't do.

 

I have offered to leave him be in order to work on things at home but he wouldn't hear of that, saying it would take a miracle for things to work out at home.

 

It'll be hard but I think I have to sort my own life out first and not wait around for him to decide.

 

Offered to leave him? Do him a big favour? I agree, seems like you're trying to manipulate him and I am telling you now, it will not work. He is LYING to you, can you see this? Take a step back and take the blinders off, see without rose coloured glasses... Really if he wanted to leave his wife, he would have when she found out about the affair. Look where he is now, at home. He has lied and betrayed his wife so don't fool yourself into thinking he would never lie or bend the truth or omit truths from you. Give that some thought.

Stop making him such a priority! He isn't making you one, so stop being so considerate of his feelings all the time.

[flipatable]

Snipercatt - I realize now that I shouldn't have said that to him in that way. I didn't mean it in a manipulative way, but I can see how it can come across that way.

 

As for taking actions to leave, if I tell him that I'm going to leave him be because no actions have been taken then he'll just say he didn't want to make promises that action would be taken but that he is working on leaving. I'm scared of falling for that and being lulled into a false sense of security.

[flipatable]

Whichwayisup - you are right. It just hurts to have to end things. I feel so weak and helpless.

 

He has said that he didn't leave after she found out because she was an emotional wreck. He wants to leave with a clear head and when things are not so turbulent at home.

 

How do I stop making him a priority? I worry about him all the time.

[Snipercatt]

if I tell him that I'm going to leave him be because no actions have been taken then he'll just say he didn't want to make promises that action would be taken but that he is working on leaving. I'm scared of falling for that and being lulled into a false sense of security.

 

Flip? Good heavens woman! why isn't your brain computing that working on leaving is just words UNLESS he's told his W he's leaving, consulted with an attorney, worked out a settlement, found a place to live, filed for separation and divorce. Anything else is just conversation. How in the hevk can you be lulled into ANY sense that he's leaving whenhe's not doing any of that?

 

Again, focus on all that you have to do to be divorced, starting with telling your husband, etc. Think about thelong list of things that you need to address, and do. Until you begin that process you're not divorcing, and neither is he.

 

It really is that simple.

[flipatable]

Ugh. Sorry, you're right. Apparently my thick skull won't accept this.

 

Working on leaving is not the same as actually leaving. I should just say that he shouldn't speak to me about leaving until he's actually done it.

[imfine]

You quit worrying about him by cutting all contact & focusing on you. He's not leaving. Get that fantasy out of your head. His wife MAY get sick of his crap & kick him to the curb. Then he'll play it off as he left for you. How great is it to be second best? That's all you'll ever be with this guy. We both know you're better than that. Focus on your divorce & your heeling. You won't have time to worry about some doosh that doesn't worry about you.

[Snipercatt]

Working on leaving is not the same as actually leaving. I should just say that he shouldn't speak to me about leaving until he's actually done it.

 

No! Saying you are working on leaving is just saying you're working on leaving. Nothing More. Leaving the marital home doesn't necessarily mean that there will be a divorce. He shouldn't speak to you until he's divorced, moved out and emotionally detached. Same with you.

 

 

tomorrow, your job is to look out for you. Stop listening to him and begin your process!

 

Or, admit he isn't leaving, you're not leaving and your affair is one of convenience during office hours. If that's okay with you, then carry on.

[whichwayisup]

Whichwayisup - you are right. It just hurts to have to end things. I feel so weak and helpless.

 

He has said that he didn't leave after she found out because she was an emotional wreck. He wants to leave with a clear head and when things are not so turbulent at home.

 

How do I stop making him a priority? I worry about him all the time.

 

Doubt that. 9/10 the betrayed spouse tells the cheating spouse to GET OUT. Pack a bag and go be with the affair partner. Chances are, he BEGGED her to stay and give him another chance, aka you only hearing from him on his time frame and on his terms, weekends and nights off limits to you. He isn't leaving, I'd bet my life on this.

 

How? Stop relying on him. Rely on friends and family. You do no contact, you don't allow yourself to think or fantasize about him. You let yourself cry and grieve the loss.. it'll hurt but in time you'll get over him.

[whichwayisup]

Ugh. Sorry, you're right. Apparently my thick skull won't accept this.

 

Working on leaving is not the same as actually leaving. I should just say that he shouldn't speak to me about leaving until he's actually done it.

 

You tell him goodbye. That you need to focus on your own life for a while and he should figure out his. Tell him that when the time comes he is OFFICIALLY divorced, then he can call you and ask you out on a date. Not to call you at all before that. This way, at least he is divorcing because he'd rather be alone than stay married. Like you, you're ending your marriage regardless of what he does or doesn't do.

[waterwoman]

He has said that he didn't leave after she found out because she was an emotional wreck. He wants to leave with a clear head and when things are not so turbulent at home.

 

Hi flip, I was an emotional wreck on dday, a total basket case for a while! But the first thing I said to him when he admitted what had been going on was 'you're leaving then?', not 'please don't go!' . Either he hasn't told her, or he has told her and she has been allowed to beleive he's finished things with you.

[MissBee]

It sounds like you need to give him some space to determine what is going on with his relationship with his wife. He obviously wants to figure that out before he decides to leave. You might want to try and do the same.

 

I agree.

 

You guys can't continue your relationship while he's supposedly trying to see if their relationship is salvageable. It makes no sense. If he is figuring them out, he has to step away from you and likewise if he wants you, he needs to step away from her.

 

I'd take myself out of the equation and work on your own house, metaphorically and literally, and have him do the same. He shouldn't be leaving for you and you said you're not leaving for him. So take the time to figure out your own life, as truth is, even if you both leave and are together it doesn't mean you will be together forever, like any other R, it may not work out in the end, so you have to make sure you're leaving for the right reasons and get your separation, divorce, your life after divorce etc in order. It will do you both well to focus on cleaning up your own houses and then possibly reconvening later after all that is taken care of and should it be decided by him and you that you want to have an honest go of it.

 

But sticking around and sleeping with him and continuing the A while he is supposedly figuring out his marriage makes no sense.

[flipatable]

Thanks everyone for your response. From what you are saying I'm gathering that the best thing to do is to step away from him and sort my own life out.

 

I am starting discussions with him on this. But so far he just seems upset about it.

 

I will see how things go and if not, then I will just have to do what's best for me and cut off contact altogether. I am hoping that he'll see sense though.

 

Today when I broached the topic again, I was met with more vague answers of: I want to leave, but I don't know if that will happen and I don't want to make promises that I can't keep.'

[Snipercatt]

I will just have to do what's best for me

 

You must do this, regardless. Start now.

 

When someone follows a comment with "but" it means what proceeds the word "but" is most likely not true and what follows is most likely true.

 

So . . .

I don't know if that will happen and I don't want to make promises that I can't keep.

'

 

There you have it. Believe it. Since only he can honor his promises and since only he knows if he would leave - he's telling you that isn't happening.