How to Get out of Affair

[PreciousOne]

I'm a 24yea old who has been involved with a married man for quite some time now. I'm ready to walk away and move on with my life but I kind of don't know where to begin. I love him so much but I know that we don't have a future together. We decided to end things but I don't have the heart to dog him out. I am disgusted at the amount of years Ive wasted and I need help am I hopeless.

[Under The Radar]

If you decided to end things, what is the problem? How are you "dogging" him out if he is married? You are 24 years old ...... don't waste anymore of your youth in a dead end relationship.

 

How do you leave the affair? It's simple: You say goodbye and move on to greener pastures. You owe it to yourself to be in a healthy and committed relationship with someone who is NOT married. Again, don't waste anymore time; let it go.

[OptimistPrime]

I'm a 24yea old who has been involved with a married man for quite some time now. I'm ready to walk away and move on with my life but I kind of don't know where to begin. I love him so much but I know that we don't have a future together. We decided to end things but I don't have the heart to dog him out. I am disgusted at the amount of years Ive wasted and I need help am I hopeless.

With that first step you've already begun. Keep on the path and try to meet other people because you'll need to find someone to fill the void. Try to stay busy with friends. Anything to keep from getting lonely because that is when we are vulnerable and tend to seek out what we already know.

[PreciousOne]

I get what you guys are saying There are a few snags though people always say occupy my time and move on but Im a very introverted person who doesn't have many friends. Ive wasted 9 years almost with this man Im used to depending on him for a lot of things and over the course of these long years he seems to be my only constant I know that I knew it was a dead end and that it wouldn't go anywhere but at the age of 16 I never planned on being this involved and didn't really understand what I was getting myself into Im not making excuses but I love him so much and I know I shouldn't but even though we had this conversation we have tried we went almost a year and a half without physical contact but now my self esteem is completely to the groung because Ive gained a lot of weight and feel like no one else will want me and that Ive wasted my youth on this dead end relationship. How do I just stand firm and deny him. when he comes by my house I fall weak and allow him to come in and Im tired of being weak but at the same time he is significantly older than me but I feel like he should have more self control. I know I may not make sense but I just need help I am ready for a change and am just so lost

[PreciousOne]

Im generally a strong person but I am just weak to this man.

[Snipercatt]

he is significantly older than me but I feel like he should have more self control.

 

Why? What's in it for himto have more self control?

 

Obviously he's not the guardian of your well-being. You are.

 

Where do you want to be in a year? You get there one decision at a time, one day at a time until you are healthier and more confident. That journey begins the moment you make the commitment to make the choices necessary to get you there. That could begin,right now. And when you falter? Pick yourself up and make the next decision to carry on.

 

How do you end? One decision at a time. To move forward requires one step in front of the other. You can't get there if you remain where you are.

[violet1]

I'm a 24yea old who has been involved with a married man for quite some time now. I'm ready to walk away and move on with my life but I kind of don't know where to begin. I love him so much but I know that we don't have a future together. We decided to end things but I don't have the heart to dog him out. I am disgusted at the amount of years Ive wasted and I need help am I hopeless.

How did you meet your MM? From work? Social settings? The first thing you're going to need to do is cut him completely out of your life. Block his number and block him from ALL social media. The second thing you need to do is keep busy. Go to the gym, clean your house, develop new hobbies, spend time with friends and family. I've even heard of OW's getting 2nd jobs just to help keep themselves busy. Not saying you should do that though. Lol

 

When you start feeling the temptation to contact him post here. I also suggest you in the mirror and say, "I'm 24 years old, I'm too young to waste my life on a man who can never fully commit to me. I DESERVE more than bread crumbs". Keep saying this until you believe it. As far as you feeling like you don't have the heart to dog him out. Look at it this way, if his wife was to find out, you'd be thrown under a semi. You are strong! You can do this! Stick to the NC, never look back and enjoy you're life.

[violet1]

I get what you guys are saying There are a few snags though people always say occupy my time and move on but Im a very introverted person who doesn't have many friends. Ive wasted 9 years almost with this man Im used to depending on him for a lot of things and over the course of these long years he seems to be my only constant I know that I knew it was a dead end and that it wouldn't go anywhere but at the age of 16 I never planned on being this involved and didn't really understand what I was getting myself into Im not making excuses but I love him so much and I know I shouldn't but even though we had this conversation we have tried we went almost a year and a half without physical contact but now my self esteem is completely to the groung because Ive gained a lot of weight and feel like no one else will want me and that Ive wasted my youth on this dead end relationship. How do I just stand firm and deny him. when he comes by my house I fall weak and allow him to come in and Im tired of being weak but at the same time he is significantly older than me but I feel like he should have more self control. I know I may not make sense but I just need help I am ready for a change and am just so lost

 

You started this affair at 16 with an older man?? Sweetheart, this man is disgusting and a predator. No decent man would take advantage of a teenager. Please get yourself into counseling immediately. My heart literally breaks for you. I'm sickened that a grown man would start an affair with a kid. You don't love him and he does not love you. This is not what love is about.

Edited December 10, 2013 by violet1

[SarahJames]

Firstly, I'm sorry you are going through this. I think most of us here know how hard it can be. I've tried my best to come up with things that I hope will help you through this:

 

#1) I think it is important for you to first change your thinking about this whole situation. You need to be more positive. If you allow yourself to think you are trapped mentally and emotionally by this man, you will be. However, if you take a step back, look at the bigger picture, you will see a way out. That brings me to...

 

#2) You say you are introverted, and don't have friends. You can't use either of those as a reason to let such a toxic person into your life. You need to say to yourself: "You know, I don't have many friends YET". If you in fact don't have many friends, it is because you haven't tried to make them! You need to get out there, socialize, and put effort into creating friendships. If you are shy/introverted there is always the option of making friends online.

 

#3) You say you've put on weight. That's okay! You can LOSE weight. Direct the time and energy you would have previously spent on this married man and go to the gym, take a class, do something that requires you to be physically active. You will not only look better, but you will feel better about yourself. Plan out a schedule, coordinate cute work-out outfits, view before and after pictures of people who've lost weight as inspiration. Take steps towards achieving the body you want.

 

#4) I realize that the most difficult thing of all is to find the motivation to do all these things. But that motivation begins in the mind. You need to sit down and reflect on why you did the things you did. Literally. Get a journal. Write down what was going on in your life when you were 16. Write down the feelings you had then (if you can remember). Ask yourself: did I have a father figure present? Did I sustain some sort of abuse? Was I generally just looking for someone who would care about me? Did I have self-esteem issues? You need to get to the root of your problem - why were you unable go say no to this married man when he pursued you? When you figure those things out, write down how he made you feel. All the times when you felt like you were settling for less than you deserve, the various scenarios that ocurred between you two, the times where you felt used. Ultimately, you need to WANT to TRULY get him out of your life. You need to want it for YOURSELF, so that you can have the life you deserve. When you really see things for what they are, and you REALLY want what is best for you, you will take the steps to getting him permanently out of your life.

 

#5) The first step really is cutting all contact with him. You need to believe that a life, beyond him, exists for you. You need to believe that you can find the guy that is right for you once you get yourself together physically, mentally, and emotionally. You can do it - it just requires lots of work. Self-improvement, in all aspects, is tough. But remember, you have time on your side. You're only 24. You practically have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it on this poor excuse of a "man". A real man wouldn't cheat on his wife, and hurt another woman in the process.

[Cinnimon]

Precious, I have to agree with Violet on this one. He is much older than you and began an A with you at the age of 16? AND has continued for 8 years? I just want to reach through this screen and hug you and shake you at the same time. You are so young and have so many opportunities waiting for you in life. He is not an opportunity honey, he is an opportunist. My heart breaks for you.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Is this man known to your family?

[cozycottagelg]

You say you have wasted your youth. You are only 24, you have SO MUCH life left!!

 

You can bounce back and be better than ever.

 

Focus all your energy into YOU.

 

When you want to reach out to him or can't stop thinking about him, do something nice for YOU.

 

You can do this. You're only 24!! You've got so much life left!! I promise!

[will-ow]

I'm a 24yea old who has been involved with a married man for quite some time now. I'm ready to walk away and move on with my life but I kind of don't know where to begin.

If you really, really want out then you need to say goodbye, walk away and never look back.

It will be the hardest thing in the world, but also the simplest.....

 

The key is to go NC, "no contact".

Delete or block him from everything - emails, phone numbers, Facebook, twitter, whatsapp, any and every way you may have of contacting or watching each other.

If you see a call from his number don't answer it.

If you see a message from him anywhere, delete it without reading it.

 

lean on your friends, find new things to go out and do to keep busy, and remember why you're doing this.

 

((((hugs)))) and good luck!

[zevahc]

First off, this man is disgusting. He was praying on a young 16 year old girl. As a man and a father I'm disgusted by him. He should have been more mature than you, but certainly had a higher responsibility of knowing that he was taking advantage of a young girl. He knew this...don't kid yourself.

 

Moving on...not easy. I've battled with this as many have for a long time. Start simple. The best thing I've heard that has just in the past few months (took me almost 9 months just to start believing it for myself) was that when I truly want more for me..and care more about me...I will do what I have to do. I'm beginning to be selfish. It started really small....telling myself i'm worth more and deserve more...and believe me, this still did not immediately manifest in eliminating my AP from my life. It started with a small seed that has grown into a truth that I know believe...over 9 months. My A was and I will say is 2 1/2 years. But I began to realize that I was accepting so little for myself and that my own happiness isn't the responsibility of my AP. It's my own.

 

My AP took me through the ringer, but ultimately (rather recent) told me she is choosing to work on her M seriously. Let me clarify by saying that she admitted that her last attempt last year was weak. That she and her spouse were not invested and just went through the motions. My respect for her is that she has not tried to throw me BC's or cling to me...she's respecting my distance and space and I in turn want to give her all the ability to be successful in her attempt at repairing her M. I respect that she told me...we've not been in a PA for 9 months....but the EA lingered and lingered. I began to see that all the bargaining, excuses, etc...that I was making up for myself were really just that....excuses.

 

You have to wake up, look in the mirror and tell yourself you are worth more. In spite of your insecurities (we all have them), realize that there are likely many people who love you and I guarantee there is someone out there for you. Until you love yourself, you really don't want anyone else. It's not worth it...people will and do fail you. We are all imperfect. I believe in a higher power and I do believe he is the only one who can truly not fail you...but regardless of your beliefs...understand that if you're seeking validation in any human being it won't work. Start working on you...you are beautiful, you have talents, you have gifts that are unique to you...be that your soft nature that you see as introversion...it's a gift and make you uniquely you for a reason. Do things for you...selfish things...that make you feel good. Join the gym, take a trip, but focus on you....

 

I wish you all the best. This is a tough time of year...you certainly aren't alone in your struggles...let that give you some feeling of comfort that others can relate.

Edited December 10, 2013 by zevahc
Clarification

[MissBee]

I'm a 24yea old who has been involved with a married man for quite some time now. I'm ready to walk away and move on with my life but I kind of don't know where to begin. I love him so much but I know that we don't have a future together. We decided to end things but I don't have the heart to dog him out. I am disgusted at the amount of years Ive wasted and I need help am I hopeless.

 

What do you mean dog him out?

 

In most relationships when they end you need time away from this person (NC) in order to detach and have your emotions catch up to what you know is right in your mind. It is almost impossible for most people to heal from a breakup while attempting to be friends or while still accommodating this person. Separating from him is not "dogging him out", still trying to be "friends", which most likely will just be an emotional affair anyway, is dogging yourself out. You're young. You haven't wasted your prime years as yet. You have time to get out of this and move on....the sooner the better. He will be A-OK!

 

Let him know you need time to heal and detach so you will not contact him, you're asking he not contact you out of respect and if he does you will not respond as it's not conducive to your healing. Unfortunately, the other drama of A endings is that even when with single relationships it's possible to move on and maintain a friendship, with affairs people often give that up completely as it is just totally inappropriate to end one's affair but try to be friends with one's former AP.

[whichwayisup]

I'm a 24yea old who has been involved with a married man for quite some time now. I'm ready to walk away and move on with my life but I kind of don't know where to begin. I love him so much but I know that we don't have a future together. We decided to end things but I don't have the heart to dog him out. I am disgusted at the amount of years Ive wasted and I need help am I hopeless.

 

That man is disgusting and took advantage of your innocent heart and emotion years ago. He was the adult, the mature one when all this started. So wrong of him to do to you, he took your teenaged years away from you, took away any chance of you having same aged boyfriends and experiences.

 

I feel for you, it's awful and I know you're hurting so please do get counseling to help you cope and deal with all this. Talk to your parents, your friends too, and keep posting here.

 

And by dog out I assume you mean outing him to his wife..

[PreciousOne]

I am very appreciative of everyone taking there time to help me in my time of need. I am one of those people who knows the solution to a problem or sees things for what they are. I guess I was just afraid of pulling he band aid so to speak. Ive tried over and over telling him I want to walk away and did NC and all he did in the past was ignore my request but this time I think its different. I think he has came to the realization that he was wrong for even approaching me. When we met I lied and told him that I was 20 I was always tall for my age and very voluptuous, was not in school anymore, anyway that's not important because the age difference is so significant it doesn't matter.

 

 

We had the talk about not seeing each other anymore and I reiterated that we should just have no contact at all with each other and it has been working I guess the wheel s set in motion. I was going through a lot when I met him I was running away because there was a lot of drug abuse in my household coming up and I felt drugs were more important then I began having meaningless sex and sometimes sleeping outside because I didn't want to be around my parents who fought sometimes physically over drugs. So when I met him it wasn't supposed to last so long I just sort of clung to him and depended on him for a lot and then my dad moved out of state and my mom kind of disappeared and things just spiraled not making excuses just giving a little background. I feel absolutely terrible about being with another womans husband I really do and unfortunately I know that I will have to reap the bad that Ive sown.

 

 

 

 

Im just going to be strong and work on myself as people have suggested and try to forget about the past. I know it will be difficult but I know the outcome will be well worth I thought about getting a second job and may still get one at least for a couple of months. My biggest fear is falling weak if he comes around because my grandma liv e with me and they never turn him away she uses drugs also so maybe he pays her Im not really sure but its hard for me to be mean to anyone and I have such a weakness when it comes to him I kind of just want to do something to piss him off so bad that he doesn't want to even try to contact me I know that its childish but I am desperate.

[violet1]

I am very appreciative of everyone taking there time to help me in my time of need. I am one of those people who knows the solution to a problem or sees things for what they are. I guess I was just afraid of pulling he band aid so to speak. Ive tried over and over telling him I want to walk away and did NC and all he did in the past was ignore my request but this time I think its different. I think he has came to the realization that he was wrong for even approaching me. When we met I lied and told him that I was 20 I was always tall for my age and very voluptuous, was not in school anymore, anyway that's not important because the age difference is so significant it doesn't matter.

 

 

We had the talk about not seeing each other anymore and I reiterated that we should just have no contact at all with each other and it has been working I guess the wheel s set in motion. I was going through a lot when I met him I was running away because there was a lot of drug abuse in my household coming up and I felt drugs were more important then I began having meaningless sex and sometimes sleeping outside because I didn't want to be around my parents who fought sometimes physically over drugs. So when I met him it wasn't supposed to last so long I just sort of clung to him and depended on him for a lot and then my dad moved out of state and my mom kind of disappeared and things just spiraled not making excuses just giving a little background. I feel absolutely terrible about being with another womans husband I really do and unfortunately I know that I will have to reap the bad that Ive sown.

 

 

 

 

Im just going to be strong and work on myself as people have suggested and try to forget about the past. I know it will be difficult but I know the outcome will be well worth I thought about getting a second job and may still get one at least for a couple of months. My biggest fear is falling weak if he comes around because my grandma liv e with me and they never turn him away she uses drugs also so maybe he pays her Im not really sure but its hard for me to be mean to anyone and I have such a weakness when it comes to him I kind of just want to do something to piss him off so bad that he doesn't want to even try to contact me I know that its childish but I am desperate.

 

I'm sorry you had to endure an abusive, unhealthy childhood. I've been there and I know what it's like to use drugs and sex to numb the pain. With all that you've been through, I don't see how you'll be able to get through this all on your own especially without family or friends support. You didn't mention giving therapy a shot. Is there a reason why you won't consider it? I think therapy can really help you.

 

As far as this man is concerned, you have to cut all contact. There's no way around it. You can't move on if he's in the picture. Is he friend's with your grandmother? Is there a reason why he has to come to your home? I don't think him giving her money to support her drug habit is healthy. I hate to say it, but if your family is using drugs it might be best for you to cut contact to a minimum with them. I understand blood is thicker than water, but sometimes you even have to cut family members out in order to survive and be happy.

 

I also strongly suggest you join a gym. Exercise releases endorphins in our brains which helps us feel happy. It will help you loose the weight and gain self confidence. Community recreational centers are relatively cheap if money is an issue. If you're in the states, Planet Fitness is pretty cheap too. Btw, I do admire you for taking responsibility for your actions. You could have easily used your age and childhood to justify your actions, but you didn't. Continue to post here and do what you have to do to keep yourself healthy. Stop believing you're weak. You are a strong young woman who CAN overcome this.

[HeSh_tTheBed]

I get what you guys are saying There are a few snags though people always say occupy my time and move on but Im a very introverted person who doesn't have many friends. Ive wasted 9 years almost with this man Im used to depending on him for a lot of things and over the course of these long years he seems to be my only constant I know that I knew it was a dead end and that it wouldn't go anywhere but at the age of 16 I never planned on being this involved and didn't really understand what I was getting myself into Im not making excuses but I love him so much and I know I shouldn't but even though we had this conversation we have tried we went almost a year and a half without physical contact but now my self esteem is completely to the groung because Ive gained a lot of weight and feel like no one else will want me and that Ive wasted my youth on this dead end relationship. How do I just stand firm and deny him. when he comes by my house I fall weak and allow him to come in and Im tired of being weak but at the same time he is significantly older than me but I feel like he should have more self control. I know I may not make sense but I just need help I am ready for a change and am just so lost

 

Dear Precious One,

You are precious (forgive my AWFUL username, I was very angry at the time I created it!!) and have so much life and I can assure you that it is going to be a very interesting and worthwhile journey, since you have already begun taking stock of your life at this young age. Never stop.

 

I would like you to consider that MAYBE you're introverted BECAUSE of this man. I have a friend--a very loud, boisterous, hilarious friend--- who has turned into the town hermit because she is in an affair with a married man. There are many reasons for this, some of them have to do with the affair itself--the secrecy, the "specialness"you feel about being a person who doesn't play by society's rules, feeling outcast, like you have "nothing in common", esp. with other women, fear of being judged, etc.etc.

 

But ANOTHER reason is simply that you give too much of yourself to relationships. You get COMPLETELY immersed in love to the point where you stop caring at all about yourself and are solely focused on being in a little world with Him. And I capitalize the "H"because he, with his age and his experience, is almost like a god to you. And, god-like, he knows this---he was seeking someone who he could fill up with himself, someone over whom he could have all the influence, all the power a man could possibly have with a woman.

 

I am one of those people that thinks older man/younger woman relationships are not that unnatural HOWEVER when it's married-adult-to-teenager, it is another story. That is about exploitation--whether he is conscious of it or not (he may not be, he may be just a grown man trapped in a young mind and thinks he belongs with you, like Michael Jackson thinking he could only "connect"with children.) Whatever the case, it is not good for you.

 

Please do me a favor and try to order a copy of the book Women Who Love Too Much. It is a self-help classic and it is for women who totally disappear into the cocoon of love, lose themselves completely, to the point where they have no idea what is good for them any more. These women are most often the victims of abuse. You may be one of them.

 

Please take care of yourself---your whole life, NO ONE else will--- but, later, after you put all of this behind you, you may SHOCK yourself with how awesome your life can turn out. You can start fresh as a strong, experienced woman (maybe a little wary, but that's good)---not to mention find a really cute guy who thinks the world of you & is available for healthy love.

[PreciousOne]

Thanks. I had thought about counseling before but financially it not an option. Im going to try and look at this as an addiction that I need to let go of. Think of him as a cigarette, something I used to love but had to let go because it was so toxic. I know its only been a few days but Im feeling very optimistic about everything. Right now I'm just focusing on my family right now and thanking God that I don't have any kids with him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I cant say that I don't think about him often but not as often as I thought I would. I feel the hurt getting a little worse everyday but I know eventually it will ease. I cant lie and say that I haven't spoken to him but eventually it will come but when we talk he's not trying to sweet talk me or change my mind because this is a mutual decision. I think that him apologizing for hurting me and wasting my time was an eye opener for me it made me realize that he is now aware of the effect everything has had on me. And that he doesn't want to keep wasting my time and I'm grateful for his clarity and willingness to release the hold that he knows he had on me.

 

 

I feel as if I did put him on a pedestal in a way and made him the center of my little world. I've always been a quiet laid back easy going person from childhood, quiet and observant so I don't really feel like the situation has made me introverted me and the friends I used to have just grew apart when I decided to make improvements on my life. We keep in touch but I don't feel as if I could turn to them for relationship advice because they always say you have no right to feel hurt or you have no right love him because he married but I think that's total bulls*&t

 

 

 

 

 

[experiencethedevine]

I get what you guys are saying There are a few snags though people always say occupy my time and move on but Im a very introverted person who doesn't have many friends. Ive wasted 9 years almost with this man Im used to depending on him for a lot of things and over the course of these long years he seems to be my only constant I know that I knew it was a dead end and that it wouldn't go anywhere but at the age of 16 I never planned on being this involved and didn't really understand what I was getting myself into Im not making excuses but I love him so much and I know I shouldn't but even though we had this conversation we have tried we went almost a year and a half without physical contact but now my self esteem is completely to the groung because Ive gained a lot of weight and feel like no one else will want me and that Ive wasted my youth on this dead end relationship. How do I just stand firm and deny him. when he comes by my house I fall weak and allow him to come in and Im tired of being weak but at the same time he is significantly older than me but I feel like he should have more self control. I know I may not make sense but I just need help I am ready for a change and am just so lost

 

 

My goodness me! NINE YEARS??? You were a very young woman! You need to let this awful man go and take the time to find someone who will offer you so much more!

 

 

If your problem stems from lack of self esteem, then seek suitable counsel to address the issue, and don't ever let this happen to you again!

 

 

This man is literally stealing your life and disabling your ability to develop the social skills necessary to conduct healthy relationships with men!

 

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is really about a man taking advantage of a very young girl and moulding her so that she relies on him for support.

 

 

You don't need to do that my love, you really don't.

 

 

Putting on some weight should not mean that you succumb to this dreadful individuals advances because you know little difference.

 

 

Please seek the help of family and friends to get you out of this terrible situation.

Edited December 11, 2013 by experiencethedevine
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