Hammer Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 I am a woman who has always believed that if I have needs, that's what friends are for. That's what my mom believed, that what my dad believes, it makes sense to me. The problem is that I have had several bad experiences with friends. One who, well, lets say it was a long physical night that left me in tatters. He went off and got himself killed before I could try and and deal with him. Our little session made him much happier with women and he was killed by 2 brothers after standing up for a woman they were terrorizing. The other had taken some drug, decided I was his ex-wife, and kidnapped me. It was the strangest 12 hours of my life and I might have been able to let it go, but then he loaded a gun in my presence. I don't know what his intentions really were but I know what I thought about it. I thought he was going to kill his ex-wife (me as stand-in). I talked to him to the point he put it away, but Jesus, this was my friend. A very old friend. The problem I now have is if I can't trust my old friends, how can I ever trust someone new trying to come into my life? I thought I knew these two men but obviously I was mistaken. How can any other man be trustworthy if your own friends aren't? Can't trust my friends, can't trust anyone. Just the idea of even getting emotionally close to someone is scary. I just don't. But I'd like to. I finally realized that this was the problem on New Years Eve. I was with a bunch on friends who are very open with each other. Very open. And I just found it frightening. And I realized that's why I'm not so close with them, I have trust issues and can't get close. It's pretty sad if you think about it. Almost all my friends are gay men. No stress there. Anyway, brilliant insights wanted. Thanks. -Hammer Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 That is horrible and sorry all that happened to you. What will help you is therapy. Talk to somebody who can help you cope with all that has happened to you, your losses, pain and trust issues. Not everyone is out to screw you over. It is OK for abit to keep the guard up, especially in your case but we all need family and friends around us, human contact to survive. I really hope you feel better and are able to trust again. Hugs to you. WWIU Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hammer Posted January 3, 2005 Author Share Posted January 3, 2005 Thank you WWIU. I have a therapist I see every so often. I don't like to go too much though, It costs so much to go to therapy and I question whether they have my interests at heart or just want my money. I realize it's probably both but I'm not sure. I've had doctors look at an obvious problem and say they see nothing. And charge me for it. It's seems to be all about money. So I try to figure it out by myself mainly. I realize that the main problem is that I don't trust myself and so can't trust others. But it's hard to really believe that. There are so many examples of untrustworthiness. It can't all be me. There are lots of people out there who are out only for themselves and will hurt others to attain their goals. And many of them are in positions of power. I fear the day I have to lie on an operating table. I truly believe that if they perceive my death to be in their best interest, they'll make sure it happens. Then charge the bill to my father. I don't really want to talk to someone at $90 an hour, I just want to figure it all out. Thanks for responding to my post. I know therapy would probably help. Hammer Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Some places have a sliding scale for the cost of therapy. That's why I go to a teaching hospital here in town. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hammer Posted January 3, 2005 Author Share Posted January 3, 2005 Yeah, I may have to do that. They are not created equal you know. I ran right over one therapist from a college. The next one got to me. I like the one I have, even if I am paying. He actually does have a sliding scale that is up to the patient. I tend to pay depending upon how much I get out of the hour. He's really good and knows my issues about doctors and paying them and trust. My hour with him is usually very productive so I end up paying 85/90 dollars. I don't feel so bad about it. It's my choice. I've been thinking about it and I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to do as much work on the issue as possible and then take this information and the issues I encounter to the man. He'll make sure I'm thinking straight. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
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