possibility of reconciliation?

[looking4_hope]

I'm confused and don't know what to do.

 

About two weeks ago.. my H and i had a conversation over the phone (after 5 months) regarding our marriage. We have been separated for 6 months now and it was the first time we had a phone conversation. I was really confused about the status of our marriage so i wanted answers.

 

We talked about whether or not we were going to continue on this path of divorce or work things out. Through out the whole conversation, he couldn't flat out say "no i don't want to work this out anymore" I was ready for it… but it never came out. He would dance around it but when i asked him to just give me a straight answer he'd say things like "well we're still married" or "yeah, sure." So that gave me a little hope thinking that he wants to work on our marriage. My IC says that "he's left the door open for reconciliation." Which i'm happy about but still confused.

 

During that conversation another topic came up. It was about him coming to my home state for vacation. Our marriage was literally on it's last string and i wanted to know if it was the stress from his school, work, MIL that was causing all fights. (I mention my MIL because he went to her all the time to "talk" to someone about our fights and i know she'd give him some kind of advice that would be like 'leave her' *i've read text msgs from her that say this* or something counter productive.. and it would stick in my H's head. My MIL isn't married.. she's never been in a "real" relationship. I didn't think she was reliable source for advice, and i think she was biased.) Before i left, we were planning a vacation to visit my parents but things took a turn for the worse, got into a fight and told me to go home. I couldn't take it anymore (it was always how our fights ended up -- he always told me to just go home) and i ended up leaving in moments notice. So i left. I figure he could just follow me if he cooled off but it never happened. When i got home.. i asked if he wanted to come over but.. his reply was "for what? what's the reason for me to go there." At that point, i felt defeated. I thought he knew why i wanted him to come here and i thought he was listening but i guess he wasn't and just never brought it up again, i just didn't want to fight anymore. (i also have a feeling he called his mom and told her that i left and she gave him some advice) I couldn't go back to how things were and i ended up staying here.

 

Back to the phone call-- so when i spoke to him recently, I got the courage to mention to him again why i wanted him to come here. I told him "the reason i wanted you to come here was because i wanted to FIGURE out why we were fighting so much. I know we've been fighting a lot in 2013 and i wanted to know if we could even 'connect' or if it was just really over… and if it was really over then at least we can both say that we did all we can and we could walk away from this marriage." He replies and tells me "If i stay there i'm not staying at your parents house." and i say "that's fine, now you understand why i never wanted to go to your moms house.' (I didn't like going because of the energy i felt being in that house. I just didn't feel welcome) I told him "it was fine.. but know that my parents have nothing against you… they still welcome you and hold nothing against you they still view you as their son. (My parents have always been for our marriage, my parents have been married 30+ years -- that's where i get my marriage advice from.. and they understand the ups and downs, i guess that's how i stuck it out so long vs. my H's advice source) Then he adds.. "if i go there.. sorry if i don't call you." I was hurt.. and the OLD me.. would've probably went off on him but i just shrugged it off and i didn't want to get into it with him because ultimately the goal of that conversation was to: Figure out where we stand. Plus, i realy didn't think he'd come here (tickets are waaay expensive around this time of year).. so i didn't take it personally.

 

I told my IC and my IC feels he's just trying to get me angry.. to trigger the "OLD" responses i'd give him (i.e. yelling over the phone, being angry… etc) but i told my IC i didn't think he'd do anything as far as coming here. She feels that it sounds like he's finally "listening" to me. Rather than brushing off what i say.. he's finally "listening" and she's glad that i didn't get into it with him about it. Im glad i didn't either because i just didn't find it important. She feels his pride is getting in the way of him being open and his stubbornness plays a role in it too. My IC feels i should just take the stand and be the one that approaches him because he has a difficult time communicating. I took note of this but again didn't think much would occur.

 

Well… recently… i got his weird text from H asking me if he could get my parents address. I asked y (i figure he was going to send me D papers) and he tells me.. "so i can put it in for my leave sheet" (he's in the military) I was stunned. I know he knows my parents address by heart (he's recited it to me before and filed paper work before w/o having to ask me) i asked if he was coming here and he just replies with "IDK" I called him up asking if that was the real reason he needed my address and he asks "what else would i need it for?" and i said.. "for the D papers" and he tells me.. "if i needed it for that i could've just looked it up. It's for my leave sheet for christmas break" So… as i'm trying to figure out what's going on.. i ask him.."so u know my address but you need to ask me for it??? because you don't know if you're coming?" he just replies with "idk." I didn't want to ask anymore after that because i didn't' want to keep pushing and cause him to close up. I'd like him to open up to me and tell me but what's the limits??

 

So.. now..i'm really confused. Is my IC right? That maybe he was listening?? Is this his way of reconciling with me?? I don't know what to do. I feel like he's reaching out, and the reason why he say she "dk" if he's coming here is because he's hoping that maybe i'd help him get a ticket out here (i have friends in the airline company that can get him free tickets--and they want to help me any way possible to fix my marriage -- they know how much it means to me. My other friend has even offered to give me a hotel room if he really doesn't feel comfortable staying in my house). Would anyone else take this as a sign that he's reconciling?? I don't see a reason why he would need to lie on his Leave form if he wasn't really coming here. I mean his mom is an hour and a half a way from where we live and he could just stay there for christmas. Why else would he need my house address here?? and if he was staying at a friends house while he was here -- he could have called them for their house address.

 

*At the end of our first phone convo he said he wanted to work things out with me.. but since i haven't spoken to him in so long idk what if he's being sarcastic*

 

sometimes i feel like i should just come out and offer him the ticket to come here.. but i don't want to scare him off and do "too much" to where i become too pushy or desperate. It would be nice if he could just come out and say what he wants but i don't' think he will. I notice it's one of his habits -- he throws hints and i have to figure out what he wants if he sees that it's not going his way, then he'll come out and say it.

 

i just don't know what to do or how to take the recent events.

 

If i ask him if he's coming here and he replies "IDK" do i just keep asking him until he does know?? will that cause me to be too pushy??

Or should i just back off and let him come here on his own?? If i back off what if i lose this opportunity for us to reconcile?? i'm so confused.

 

What would u do? Ask and be pushy and desperate?? or leave it be and perhaps lose the opportunity to reconcile?

[looking4_hope]

The best thing you can do is be honest and strike the right balance. You don't want to be pushy because we can't make anyone do anything, and you don't want to be disengaged because that sends a whole different message. Rather be balanced and honest in your approach. I think there are too many unknowns to try and figure out what his reasons are. You both definitely could work on your communication and that would certainly greatly enhance your relationship. Since he hasn't communicated his intentions clearly, then we can't guess at them. You'll know more soon. For now, hang on to hope and be balanced with your approach. And if you can find out what your husband wants and needs from you, then that would be a good start. Hope you are able to reconcile! You all should certainly look into counseling, or a marriage retreat or marriage intensive of some kind. All the best!

 

Thank you for the advice greatly appreciated! Finding the right balance-- never thought of it that way