in need of gudance

[karliejane]

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I love him so much. I am 30. It is a serious and grown up relationship. We have a wonderful relationship and friendship and sex life. I think he is a wonderful person. We have spoken about marriage and it is in both our plans. We plan our future together. Both of us.

 

My problem is difficult to verbalise but I will try.

 

Today I found on his internet history that he has been looking through numerous pictures of a girl he knows on the internet. All the pictures are of her in a bikini.

 

As an isolated incident this seems harmless (ish) and I would usually mention it and forget it.

 

But when taking into account our past it hurts me. Deeply. During our relationship he has had a porn addiction, he has looked up pictures of my friends to look at their bodies, he has told me I am a physical dissapointment, I am obese, I am not sexy, he looks at a girl everywhere we go. At the shops, at my friends houses, he looks at my cousin - everywhere. And when we talk about it he says that it is because I am fat and they are better than me. He says he feels he can do better than me physically but that I am everything else he wants and realises that his desire for me to be underweight, and under a healthy weight isn't right. But that it is what it is.

 

I am currently on a diet, to lose 20kg as he has said he won't be able to give me real compliments until I am 20kg lighter.

 

I am not obese. And I am not ugly. I have always been treated like I am attractive, until now. And it hurts very much.

 

It hurts me that I am dieting and being told I am fat, and worse being treated like I am not sexy - and all the while he still looks at these pictures, despite the fact that we have spoken about it and he knows how much it hurts me.

 

When I tried to speak to him about it he acts like he is bored, like I mean nothing and I have to fix it on my own. I don't get any support or love during these times.

 

I want to be with him, and I want to believe that he loves me, and I will have lost all the weight in two months, so I am hopeful that the problem will then go away. When I meet his physical requirement. But his lack of empathy, support or acts of love surrounding this situation hurt me.

 

And the dishonesty it repressents and the distrust it creates.

 

It also is difficult to maintain any self esteem. With no compliments, only bad feedback, his constant staring at other womans bodies, and his secret perving.

 

And it adds injurt to insult when he seems like he doesn't care.

 

Please I am looking for honest feedback. I have done this so long now on my own that I don't know if I am wrong to expect something sifferent. Or if I am delusional to think he means what he says that he loves me. Or if I am being ridiculous.

 

I understand that all people see and notice membvers of the opposite sex, so please, I'm not looking for feedback saying that's normal. I understand to an extent it is. My feeling though is not to this extent and not at this age. And not when it is severly affecting your relationship.

 

I have had other long term relationships (5 yrs plus) and am not a kid. I also like myself and always thought I was pretty and sexy before this. So I am not crazy insecure.

 

Please help me. I desperatley need any and all guidance.

[princess_peach]

What you're describing sounds like emotional abuse. If you want to lose weight, you should do it for yourself, to be healthier, not for some a**hole who clearly does not love you. I would leave him, but if you really want to stay... then tell him honestly how his lack of support makes you feel, like you just did here, and then see if he makes an effort to change. If he doesn't, then you are much better off without him.

 

*Edit: Just re-read your post and realised you've already spoken to him about this. He's an ass. You deserve better.

Edited December 10, 2013 by princess_peach

[MidwestUSA]

Love doesn't come with conditions. He won't up give you a compliment until you lose weight? This is emotional abuse.

 

If you get to his preferred weight, he'll simply focus on something else. It's a way of maintaining control. Lose the weight for yourself, but just lose him.

Edited December 10, 2013 by MidwestUSA

[winny]

All I can say is he doesn't love you or respect you or even sees you as a friend!

 

I would not comment on the weight of a stranger even... and he is doing that to his girlfriend! And staring at other women in front of you... that is cheap!

 

Speak up and stand up for yourself.

Tell him how his behavior and words make you feel.

 

If he doesn't change soon you have to get out of this "relationship".

Edited December 10, 2013 by winny
correction

[ZX4]

You are not in a healthy, grown-up relationship; you are in a relationship with a childish bastard that continues to belittle and emotionally abuse you, no matter how attentive you are to his desires [for you to be thin].

 

Best case scenario: You leave this guy immediately, and take some time off to work on yourself.

 

Worst case scenario: He starts physically abusing you, and decides to REALLY take you for a ride.

 

 

It's you life.

[d0nnivain]

Him looking at other women wouldn't be so much of a problem if he wasn't so nasty to you about your weight & looks. He sounds like a jerk. No man should ogle other women IRL or OL while making nasty comments to his SO that she needs to lose 20kg.

 

 

Why do you put up with this? What makes him sooooooo amazing that you allow him to treat you like this? I have a great suggestion for you to lose at least 120 kg -- dump him.

[charlietheginger]

Get away from this buttwhipe...

those skinny chicks probably won't give him the time of day

 

he is taking it out on you blaming you for not looking like them...

 

leave him someone that loves you for you will come along@

[avision]

Oh my, dump this guy! He sounds emotionally abusive and just downright disrespectful. Ditch him now, before you commit to a lifetime of being called obese and unattractive! Unleash the power within you you know you have, to break up with him, focus on yourself and feeling good, and relying on some resources (family,friends) to get you through.

[skela]

One way to lose some weight fast is to dump this guy. He is abusing you emotionally. You will be much happier with someone that respects you. If you want to lose weight do it for yourself, because YOU want to. He is trying to control you by taking away your self confidence and self esteem. He's trying to make you think that no one else would want you so that you are tied to him. Run girl RUN!

[karliejane]

Thank you everyone for your feedback! The support is heart warming and needed! I would really appreciate all and any feedback on this. It is good to get different perspectives. I would also love to hear from men. I am 178m tall, and he wants me to weigh 60kg. I currently weigh 80kg. Which is fine for my height. It makes me very sad. He said that if I lose weight he will still look at other girls but then I will win, whereas now they win. It makes me feel like hiding away.

[d0nnivain]

Thank you everyone for your feedback! The support is heart warming and needed! I would really appreciate all and any feedback on this. It is good to get different perspectives. I would also love to hear from men. I am 178m tall, and he wants me to weigh 60kg. I currently weigh 80kg. Which is fine for my height. It makes me very sad. He said that if I lose weight he will still look at other girls but then I will win, whereas now they win. It makes me feel like hiding away.

 

Really, this man is not NICE to you. Why do you want to stay with a guy who is so mean?

 

Love yourself enough to find somebody who cares about you, no matter what.

[karliejane]

I don't know why. He makes me feel confused. Like what he is saying isn't that bad. Also I suppose because he doesn't offer the information. I pick up after seeing him stare, getting no compliments, his suggestions I join gym, his never looking at me - that there was a problem. So I asked him. And eventually found all this out. He says it is my fault for asking and pushing for answers. So I suppose a part of me believes I created this. Was I wrong to address it as I felt it? Should I have ignored it? I didn't expect the answers I got. but he says I mustnt ask questions if I don't want the answers. I just never thought the answers would be so mean.

[d0nnivain]

You were right to ask for answers when you knew something was off. He wasn't wrong for telling you the truth but if he really isn't that into you, he should be more of a man & break it off with you. To stay with you, take what you are offering him -- emotional & physical -- he's using you.

 

There shouldn't be anything confusing about this. It's not a good relationship for you.

[karliejane]

thank you. he says he would be happy if i stayed as i am physically. but that he would need to do alot of work on himself in order to find me near ideal. or compliment me. or not like other woman more. i have lost 7kg so far, and he says there is a difference. and that i have about ten more to go. i dont know what to do.